STIMMING: An NT's experience

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I like stimming. I don't actually stim myself, but I like my husband's stimming. I've got a few questions for those of you who stim and I'm interested to hear if there are any other NTs here who like stimming too.

My husband takes off and puts on his eyeglasses, in rapid succession, like 5 times in a row when he's tense. I know now that that's when he could use some quiet time and I sometimes just turn off the lights in our room and lay down on the bed with him for some cuddling. I like cuddling with my husband, so this time we take together is definitely welcome and we both get something out of it. So win/win!

He also likes lining up objects, in order of size and height, so they touch and make cool swirls and patterns. Is that stimming?. I want to start taking pictures of some of the designs he comes up with but I keep forgetting to before he moves the stuff again.

He does this other thing which is so neat, because he does it to me now too, where he puts his right hand over the left side of his head (looks like he's a twisted up version of Rodin's "Thinker" when he does it -- it's cute, not strange) and rubs his thumb in little circles on his forehead. Sometimes, when we cuddle, he does it to me! I feel so included when he shares that with me (it feels like a form of communication, like, "We're in this together") and I can see how soothing it is for him. Sometimes, when I need reassurance, I'll just take his hand and place it on my head and say, "Stim me, baby!" Do any of you stim your loved ones? Or do any of you NTs ask to be stimmed? Do you think stimming loved ones is weird?

The only stimming my husband does that kind of freaks me out (because it seems to actually wind him up more than settle him down) is fiddling with his iPhone. He just started doing this recently. And he isn't doing anything particular, just taking out the stylus, poking some buttons randomly and then putting the stylus back in. Over and over again, with heightened irritation as he does it each time (I don't think he's getting any relief when he does it and it just sort of drives him nuts instead). I always get the feeling he's about to just break and run when this goes on and it seems to happen only when we're stuck in a crowd of people, like on a packed subway. He's just desperate to distract himself RIGHT NOW! So, I usually end up just putting my hand over the face of the iPhone to break the cycle and then we make eye contact and I whisper to him to just look at me. He smiles and locks eyes with me and we make faces at each other until we can get out of the crowd. Do any of you find that some stimming actually creates more tension than it relieves? Am I doing the right thing by interfering with what looks like a potential meltdown, or should I just let him figure it out alone?

I actually perceive stimming as a way of understanding what my husband needs, and not something to patiently ignore or get all weirded out by. There's this one video on YouTube, made by a profoundly autistic lady, which I have saved to my favorites and often watch when I'm feeling tense and overwhelmed. Just sit back and relax and let it flow through you. And if you're an unsure NT, try to leave your ideas about "weird" to one side for a minute and just let this be "normal" for a second. Maybe you all can tell me why this is so cool to me:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SF1csRLyxo[/youtube]

The thing she does with the wire loop at around 25 seconds in is particularly interesting to me... I just want to do that!! I have the huge urge to go find a piece of wire and try it myself! And at 1:48, the paper strip in the window, that's a good one too. So am I a weird NT? Or maybe I just have some autistic tendencies? Or do you think all human beings can relate to stimming in one way or another? I see babies doing this stuff all the time and it does seem to feel good to them too. It's just sad that some people regard it as something that should be stopped.

Can't wait to hear some other people's positive experiences with stimming and some tips for how to make it a good thing in our lives! Aspies and NTs, ok?

i love your story...

i try so hard to share my autistic side with my gf. Unless someone is enthusiatic like you they tend to intreprate thost things badly.

thanks for sharing with us

This post made me happy! I'm glad to see you understand your husband so well.

I don't think the pattern thing is stimming, it's just something he gets enjoyment out of. I do the same thing, just with the graph on a graphing calculator. I make really cool kaleidoscope-ish designs for no reason, it's just fun.

You are definitely doing the right thing on the subway by interrupting. It's not the stimming itself causing the tension, just the crowd on the subway. He stims then to try and distract himself, but he gets agitated because it doesn't work. Then you step in, and provide a very welcome relief.

When I get excited about something, I pace and flap my hands. The people who have known me for a while also get some enjoyment out of this because they, like you, don't look on it as something weird. Not very many of them know it's autistic behavior (I haven't told very many people), they just think it's "Patrick" behavior. For one example, when I got around my high school's Internet filter (they blocked Text Twist and the radio station I listened to during journalism), I was alone since it was during lunch (I ate lunch in the classroom that year just because the tables my good friends sat at had too many people I didn't know). When they came back in, I was sitting at my computer grinning ear to ear with Facebook open. I said I was glad I was by myself when I got around it, and almost immediately one of my friends says "haha, we know what you did anyways" and then did a perfect imitation of my little excited hop/hand flap. It made me glad that they had made the connection between my stimming and me being happy and didn't think it was weird.

OMG that hand thing at the start is what I do! (Minus the rocking and the droning) There goes my denial
But I'm glad you posted it because I was a little unclear about what entailed stimming and still didn't feel that I was really Aspergers.

I try to tell myself it's not weird because NT people dance, they play with slinkies/stress balls/paperclips, and they rock babies or an upset person. It's just the intensity I guess, how much it's done, and the awareness or lack therein of how much will be accepted as 'normal'. I still feel embarrassed about my stimming, especially since i was caught doing it recently by an NT who doesn't know about + that I am AS.

What if you were to try to find a way to include her? Can you think of one of your stims that could be adapted to involve her, like if you flap your hands, could you have her lay on your chest with her head in the crook of your neck so that she can look up and see the flapping... like in the video? Maybe if you shared the video with her first and prepared her by asking her to put "weird" to one side for a second and just let it in without bias, maybe she'd "get it"!

Not being aspie, I kinda feel weird saying this, but, stimming is part of your life and it's a GOOD thing. If she knew what stimming did for you and she loves you, I think she'll want to try to see it from your point of view. Just don't apologize for it, treat it like a strength, and she should come around pretty soon!

And yours made me happy too!



Wow, can you post some pics of that? I don't think I've ever seen that before. I just asked my hubby if he's ever done that, 'cause he's actually sitting here at the kitchen table with me drawing up an electrical schematic using different colored fountain pens!! He used to just do them on scrap paper and use crap pens and then leave hundreds of them everywhere. I started collecting them, thinking they were actually quite elegant and pretty to look at. He thought I was nuts when I asked him to get some good pens and nice paper and to stack them up somewhere safe so we could someday go through them and frame the prettiest ones. Now, it's become a way for me to admire his work (he's an over-achieving aeronautical engineer) and since i can't understand all those squiggly lines and sins signs (?) and greek letters, I can at least make a fuss over the pretty pictures.



Good. I often feel "bossy" when I try to assist him 'out there'. He is a full grown man, with a job and lots of adult responsibilities, so it just doesn't sit well sometimes to interrupt him as though I'm his mother. He never has gotten pissed at me for it. And the only time I've ever had to do anything heavy-duty was to stop him from running out in the middle of the night during a meltdown. That was a bit scary. We hit the floor together as I tackled him at the door and I rolled him over and asked him if he was ok. He looked a bit shocked and asked, "Did we fall down?" I had to laugh. "No, I just can't let you run off like this -- it's not safe out there this time of night." to which he said, smiling "Well, if you keep jumping on me, it's not too safe in here either!" FUNNY! We laughed and laughed and that was the end of the meltdown.



I'm already smiling...



I'm liking these people...



And it is Patrick behavior before it's anything else, IMO.



Awesome story! You are so lucky to have such cool friends! If other people could just consider stims the way they see things like how it feels to practice the same golf swing over and over again, going for that sweet spot, that feeling you get when you know everything came together just right... and there's that meditative buzz, that soothing use of the same muscle groups over and over again... I mean, isn't stiming something akin to that? I wish I could think of a way to get stimming more mainstreamed. I've tried hand flapping but I just can't get it right. I like watching the video instead. She's got it down to an art, that lady.

Well, the good news is you're not alone AND stimming is cool!



Exactly! And even if it may be 'disturbing' to the uninitiated NTs, the "social rules" around things that are unusual yet not harmful to anyone are: "If it upsets you, ignore it. If it upsets you and you're feeling a bit intolerant about it... go learn about it and chill out, you intolerant creep!" Them's the rules! So, intolerant people are the ones who need to get with the program, not you! And, I believe, that someday things like stimming in public will end up being seen as normal. Kind of like how women can wear trousers now. A hundred years ago, a woman in pants would've caused shock and scandal!



Oh, dear. How'd that go? Were they creepy about it? Argh. Sorry that you felt bad.

The lady in the video is Amanda Baggs who posts here under the name of Anbuend.

I always liked the flapping piece of paper in that video with the flag outside in the background.

Trippy video... mainly because of the humming. It took on a tune of sorts, a little eerie but oddly pleasing. I am undiagnosed and still wonder if I am AS. It's the stims that keep me believing I might be. I stroke, manipulate, and even peel my lips, rub my skin (which is soft if I do say so ), compulsively squint and blink especially after a stressful experience and tend to hold my breath until I get my eyes feeling just the way I want them which increase my tension, stick out my pinkies, in fact, my hands are almost constantly moving, frequently across each other if nothing else is available, in intricate patterns. ADD or ADHD are also a likely consideration for me. Suffice it to say that this does not nearly scratch the surface of the number and variation, some of them very subtle, of my stims. One of my favorites is when I get going on a painting and get into a rhythm stroking intricate lines into the piece with a dagger shader (kind of brush). My husband has gotten used to my spending hours sometimes rambling about miniscule nuances of film trivia and character analysis, only partially obsessive since I am currently trying to grasp the theories behind plot, character, etc, for my writing and often tend to pick up on things from my independent studies while watching a film.

Unfortunately, he and the kids have to put up with a lot, too. I don't like sudden loud noises (who would?), being touched unexpectedly, especially in a fact I consider too intimate or personal (my 7-year-old likes to kiss me on the arm and it's all I can do not to slug him. Poor little boy) and any sound that intrudes on my thoughts or tries to loop in my head (think of a song stuck in your head, but with everything). I feel it is fair to not expect them to humor me in all things and try to let a lot of things go, but it builds up over time. I wear ear buds a lot. They're essential in stores unless you actually like Air Supply and Hall and Oates. But I digress.

My husband says he doesn't even notice my stimming. I can control it reasonably well around others, but he wouldn't know me if he saw me at the computer after he goes to bed! Bobbing, waving my head all over, my hands all over my face and neck as I read something...

I am very grateful to see a positive concern for what we are and what we do.


This is something I do when I am trying to figure out or remmeber something, and when I can't, I get frustrated at my glasses for some reason.


I do this frequently as well, but I was told it had to do with being insecure and being a perfectionist....i don't mean to correct you or anything , but that was coming from a mental health professional opinion who also believes that with the right medication anything can be cured enough about that one for now, before I start ranting about ......



My version is very similar in that I have a habit of putting my right over or behind my head while stimming the left ear. That is my favorite stim toy, rubbing the grain of the fingerprint just right to where it produces a noise that only I can hear, been doin that all my life. In the brief encounter I once had with marriage, I would do that to her ear, it felt good, and I assumed she thought so as well. One day she jumped out of the bed very angrily and said "I can't stand it when you do that - stop it" then she slept on the couch that night. any attempt to talk about it was "stupid, or in the past". Your husband is a fortunate man, and WP is fortunate as well.



Crowds cause me to sweat or even hyperventilate, by stimming in whatever way I can find, this can be subdued to tolerable degree of intensity. Yes the tension creates tension, but it's something I can control. As far as interrupting, yes I would tell you that you are interrupting, but be glad that you are, cause I would rather argue about how you are interrupting me than feel the feelings from my surroundings that I cannot control.


Excellent perception, he is not doing it because he wants, he's doing it because he has too. There is no reason for anyone to take someone's stimming too personal, there are no implied intentions, just results of stuff being bounced around on the inside, drugs can deaden it yes, but everything else is zombiefied as well. You have made the right choice by being a part of, instead apart from.


I hear NT's say "you're getting on my nerves"...well..everything always effects my nerves, I cannot imagine a world without that feeling, accept for a drug or alcohol induced one, in which case everything is numb, not the pink floyd kind of numb either. I think all people deal with their nervous energy the best way they know how, some tend to release it on others, some on themselves ans some on objects.


I haven't read the thread yet, but I hope you will hear from many..and yes, by talking about it is a good place to start taking action, by being a part of the solution, opposed an addition to the so-called problem.

Thank you for your heart.

That's her? topic

Anbuend is Amanda Baggs? I have not read a post by her for over a year now. I was wondering where she went. So insightful.

The flag! Yeah! The flag always grabs me too. It's like the paper's part of the foreground while you can focus on the flag flapping off in the distance. That's so neat that you picked up on it and liked it too!

Have you seen some of Amanda's other videos, like "Happy Dance" (love it!). Or the ones where she "talks" about her take on autism and how it relates/doesn't relate to the world around it? Very intense stuff. She's got one on her channel that I could only watch the one time because she talked in depth about all the painful stuff disabled people can be exposed to. It was rough to hear. But I'm glad I listened the one time. It gave me a ton of insight.

I think Amanda is incredible. I hope she keeps making videos for us!

Do you intentional work at not stimming in front of your husband and others? I mean, he must know, right? Do you think you could ever include him in some of your stimming? Like maybe find one of your stims that he finds soothing and share it with him once in awhile?

My favorite from the video is the keyboard. I love that sound. I stim a lot but it's mostly body movements. The only stim I hate is pacing. I hate to take breaks from things and pace. If I can't pace I get so stressed out... well, it isn't good. When I'm at the computer or alone in my room it's worse than other places because otherwise i'm kind of paralyzed with anxiety so I can't do these things as much.

Some of your husband's stims actually sound like the repetitive behaviors of someone with OCD, especially the thing with the glasses and the iphone fiddling. In my family, our stims actually calm us. But OCD behaviors can cause great anxiety if one can't stop them at will. That, to me, sounds like what you were describing a couple of times with your husband.

! !!!FISK FEST!! !! (I just learned that term on the Trivial Pursuit game the other night... from a very cool member here Hope it's not derogetory... )

It's love! What can I say? Or at least it's my version of love and, as you know, DW, I'm not too normal myself!:geek: So, maybe I'm a little left of center, but just maybe most non-AS aren't thinking/living/feeling outside of the box. And maybe they just want their world to go along in uninteresting and uneventful ways. They don't know what they're really missing.



That made me LOL! That's exactly what his face says when he's doing it. It's like: "What was that I just was thinking about? Hmmm. Hey! What's on my face? Where the hell did these damn things come from?! Oh, crap. Why can't I see all of a sudden? Where are my damn glasses? Ah. Here they are!" And all that in just a second or two! And then he repeats it a few times until he feels better. He always ends up working out the confusion by the time he's done. And it really does seem to let him be openly frustrated, which he has no ability to express outloud.



"Insecure"? Why can't they say "not comfortable" instead? "Perfectionist"? No-one better be looking for a cure for perfectionism, dammit! I like my perfectionism just fine, thank you! And medicine can only go so far, and is too often over-prescribed, as I see it. Understanding and reassurance that you have support and guidance if you want it... from real live people who care... now that's good medicine, IMO. We all need those things, it's just that not everyone needs the same things to feel understood, supported, etc. I'm finding most psychiatrists are not helpful, and possibly more harmful, in our case. I prefer the talk therapists myself. And if it weren't for my hubby's BPD, we'd never see a psychiatrist again!



Great stim! I tried it! I liked it! Hey, Mikey (dating myself back to the 70's there). Seriously, the sound generated is very soothing. My hair gets in the way a little, and that would distract and frustrate me, but once I get my arm in the right place, it's a nice one.

I'm sad about how things went for you in your marriage. I'm sorry she didn't "get" you and I only wish she had tried a little harder to let your aspie qualities be a part of your life together. That's a good example of why I think it's really important for all of us aspies and NTs to share what we like and enjoy instead of just focusing on how 'difficult' communication and social skills are. I started this thread precisely because I want to focus on the good and not the bad for a change.



Funny thing is, he's never gotten upset about my interruptions. But I worry that I've been unfair, even if he doesn't realize it. He can't always tell when people are being unkind, so I worry that I could slip into saying/doing unkind things just because he doesn't give me any boundaries or correct me in any way.



There are drugs for stimming? Really? I may be being naive here, but, WHY?



Yeah, drugs and alcohol are definitely just asking for more problems. When I'm tense? I go play piano. Or the guitar. Or I draw. Or write something like a poem. Or call a friend and complain about what's bugging me. And lately, to relax when I'm tense, and I've had reason to be tense lately ( ), I've been going onto the Games forum at WP and having a total blast with my new friends there! (And I AM going to be the last poster, you wait and see, bub!)



And you, for yours