Should I be sad that I have AS? Because I am.

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Ever since I found out about it, i stopped trying to talk to people, and make friends, I realized why I had all this anxiety and couldent think straight or socialize. It feels like Im the 1% genetic defect. I cant hold a job because I cant socialize correctly, and I also have that wierd AS look. I take a small dose of this anti-depressant but whatever, its not going to change my AS, so I don't know what to do. I already tried becoming NT through vigorous "social" practice and studying and Im still the same.

Dont try and be something your not. Learn to accept you will always be ostracised by the mainstream world, then let them go.

Well, first of all, don't listen to the media stereotype of, "Oh, he's got autism; he can never learn or change and he'll always be just like he is now," because that's silly. Autistic people can and do learn to communicate better, interact more efficiently, and become more competent in all areas. Just because you are autistic does not mean you can't learn.

Secondly, it looks to me like you're focusing on your weaknesses. Let's say you had a physical disability, like a spinal cord injury, and you used a wheelchair because you couldn't walk. And let's say you spent all your time thinking about playing (non-wheelchair) sports, running marathons, and not needing that wheelchair. Let's say that you believed that your life could only get better if you could walk. Wouldn't you be depressed? You're doing a very similar thing here--you're focusing on the stuff you're absolutely crappy at, and judging yourself for it. What about the things you are good at, the things you like to do? What about the things you are interested in? Aren't those a better focus for your life? There are probably even skills there that'll let you cover for some of your weaknesses.

But isnt the main point of life socialization? Seems to me

It can be if you're an NT. Not for me. For me, the main point of life is discovering new things.

Anyway, who said that the point of life had to be socialization? They sure weren't autistic. This is a cultural norm, not a self-evident fact, and like any cultural norm it can be examined and discarded if you don't like it.

Thank you for saying something so wise, and it does give me some hope. But I feel like the OP myself. I have failed so badly at trying to join groups and be social (and it wasn't just that it didn't work out, it was more like I ended up being chased out angrily and painfully, and it still hurts years later). Now that I know I have AS I can understand why it happened, but it also makes me feel that I know why it will not work out if I were to try again. At least before I knew it was AS I had hope that it would be different the next time.

If there is a way that I can work on this to get better at it, I don't really know what it is.


I don't think that socialization is the point of life, but I am terrified of being alone and I find it very painful. I can find other interests to fill up my time (and even that is difficult because I also have chronic fatigue) but they do not replace human contact and closeness.

I just this year discovered AS and it does explain a great deal of my trials and failures in the past. i always knew something was screwy with me, but now that i have reassurance that I was just misunderstood and not crazy (which is what most people called me for years).

After having read so many of the posts on this forum, I now have data about what specifically it is that I do that NTs find odd. If I wanted to, I'm sure I could start watching myself and editing some of that behaviour - the ones that it makes sense to alter, anyhow. I'll never be perfect. i'll always break down under stress, to some extent, Im sure... But there's no negative change or difference between today and a year ago - only the positive one of being more self aware of my flaws (failure to portray proper body language cues can only be considered a flaw). I didn't lose anything. I had some successes before. I can only hope that my new awareness allows me to improve on the frequencies of success as i go forward...

Self awareness is, in a way, a curse. But it can also allow for growth. Improvement.
Maybe i can finally get closer to realizing that "potential" all my teachers used to write about.

No thats the BS western society feeds us. That idea was instilled in me as a kid too and I lost just about all self esteem cuz I was putting in extreme effort in all the time but I still couldn't socialize normally. After a while I saw that belief for what it was. BS. Outside college I have no friends, I do everything alone and lifes better than ever now. I used to think there was something wrong with me since I like being alone but whats wrong with enjoying your own company better than the company of others?


Same here. Friends come and go. Knowledge you have for life. Its ironic that some NT people insinuate that I'm wasting my time sitting in front of a computer or pursuing my hobbies (all of which are constructive) when I could be hanging around with them doing social things.

Last edited by cnidocyte on 12 Sep 2010, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I will just add my personal experience with the diagnosis of AS being delivered to me.

Before the Diagnosis

I wondered why I became so absorbed in interests while at the same time ignoring social contact.
I wondered why I eye dodged and found it difficult to look people in the eye.
I wondered why I had sensory issues while others seemed to have no difficulty with them.
I wondered why I obsessively adhered to routines and disliked change.
I wondered why a change to my daily routine upset me.
I wondered why I used to self-harm.
I wondered why----------well you get the point.

After the Diagnosis

I realized there was a reason for the above-mentioned "I wonder whys."
I realized I was autistic. It should have been obvious to me. But I was not educated on autism---now I am.
I realized I was beginning a new journey in my life---a journey of understanding.
I realized I was happy about myself---in the years before the diagnosis, I had felt unsettled with myself. But I was now settled.
I realized I was autistic, and I was not alone in the world. There were others like me (Asperger's individuals).
I realized I was happy with being autistic.
I realized I was-----------well you get the point.

After my professional evaluation and diagnosis, I went through a month of busy research on Asperger's. I had a lot of questions I wanted answered. Understanding as much as I could about my differences paved the way for me to launch a new music ministry. I share with my audiences that autism has given me the gift of music. I realized I was a talent type autistic savant. Whenever I become fascinated with a musical instrument, I can play it well without lessons, instruction, and in very little time (sometimes immediately).

But what about socialization? It doesn't bother me anymore. I enjoy my time with my family, but not with other people. I have no friends. So what. The WrongPlanet has become my outlet for communicating with others.

My advice---try to find peace with yourself. It may take time. But learn to like yourself---you are special. You have a purpose in life---it may take time to discover it. Right now you need to learn about yourself and be amazed at all the clues of autism in your life before you were diagnosed. You must make an effort to accept autism---I find it as a gift. Where are those gifts? The gifts are often found in your interests. Make your interests work for you.

I don't know what else to say. I am just trying to offer anything I can think of at this time. I am sure there are other things I could say on my experiences. I just wish everyone could find peace and happiness with themselves.

The main point of my life is either mostly religious, and to help people or find myself. I know it sounds like one of those corny movie goals, but I literally want to know who I am and what I'm good at, because I'm tired of not knowing my abilities. I also like to figure out genetic diseases and try to rewrite the theories of intelligence. Really, I've said that to my counselor something about a research study involving how little we know about intelligence.

Well said. AS is a different 'wiring' neurologically speaking. While it does propose certain deficits, especially socially, it is not a death sentence. When we accept our own differences, we open the door to acceptance by others not on the spectrum. There are no greater numbers of 'social deviants' amongst us than the greater populace. We are merely different, not dangerous. I continue to hold hope that our way of thinking will someday be accepted by all, not just the few.

My finding out explained all this too, and helped me see how to "adapt" (I was in the middle of grad school--withdrawing from people wasn't really an option).



Okay, not to be picky, but calling AS a "defect" reinforces the stereotypes that many people already have about it. For your own sake, don't play into it.

And you're right--nothing will "make you NT" because your brain is wired differently. The only thing that could change that would be a (now-hypothetical) brain operation that could pinpoint the neurological differences and "correct" them.

Let me tell you, even if such a thing were possible, I would not do it: I've known people who have had brain surgery for other problems and the results were NOT pretty.

More importantly, there is no "defect" that needs to be "corrected." It is a DIFFERENCE.

What everyone else has said has pretty much covered it, so I won't rehash the "focus on your strengths" talk.

What I will say is this: learning I have AS explained pretty much everything that was/is "odd" about me, so I looked upon it as an "Aha!" moment. I could finally give "IT" a name, and therefore a "reason" for being the way I am.

However, I'M STILL ME. The label doesn't change that. Also, being AS does not mean that you CAN'T EVER socialize.



Just don't try to socialize like an NT--that won't ever work. People with AS socialize differently. If you want to learn how to socialize, it has to be in that "different" way. We have to learn social skills the way other people might learn math.

Like Callista and others said, we've been trained to think that socializing is the be-all and end-all of living. Trust me, it's not. I became fairly okay at it, and there are still times when it seems to be more trouble than it's worth. I'm not a hermit, but I need my "alone" time--for "finding things out," etc.

Find a balance in life that makes you comfortable.



VERY well-said.

Take care. Remember that you have friends here.

It doesn't have to be, but if you want it to be, there are many different ways of socialising; look for a form that suits you.

I know that's easier said than done, but the important thing is not to be downhearted if (like most of us here!) you know that mainstream socialisation is not for you.

For me the main point is solving tough intellectual problems. Being social is only a means to that end for me. Give me a tall ship and a star to steer her by.

ruveyn

I'm not sad that I have AS. I am happy and I enjoy life.

I second this!

Well, to an extent.

I still struggle with it and can get quite down at times, but the fact of the matter is that the "point in life" as the poster puts it is simply to enjoy it, whatever that entails for you as an individual.

I understand that you would like to be "typical", it would be so much easier at times and I can quite often feel the same (in the beginning I struggled immensely), but you are what you are and there is nothing wrong with that.

I think one of the most freeing things about having an ASD is that it gives you a reason to shirk the way society tells you to live your life (within reason of course) whereas previously you may have thought you were stuck like everybody else in a pre-fab template.

You are free, not defective. You are incapable of being boring and "usual".

Enjoy!