Need advice on Son's difficulty w Route change

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My DS who's 4 gets quite upset when we travel down a different road home from the shops (no other change in route worries him at this point)... Even after we pull up in the drive way and he can see the house... but he is not settled until we go back and come the correct way home

He seem's frustrated and I'm assuming that this is scary for him at times as well...

Can someone please tell me exactly how they feel when this happens...what thoughts would be going through their minds and why it is so difficult some days and not others? I guess it depends on their tolerance on the day.

I just want to understand what he goes through and how I can help him cope with it.

Is it unfair for me to drive a different route home now and again (with plenty of warning) to get him used to change or should I keep with the route that he prefers? I just want to do what is best for him in the long term.

Any advice thoughts welcome, thanks.

I wonder if there is something that he looks forward to seeing or experiencing along that route, and that's why he wants to go back. Maybe a set of traffic signals that he is trying to figure out, or a nice roundabout, or maybe some pretty backlit shopsign.

HTH

Have you asked him why?

Thanks for your replies...

I forgot to mention that he has difficulty in answering questions. I have asked him but am not able to get a response where I can understand and help him.

There is a round about on the way home, but that is past the point where he starts to get upset. There is nothing else I can think of that he would be attracted to on the way home... its much the same no matter which way I go. I wish he could tell me

Verrrrrrrry interesting.

The lady who used to drive me home from day-care when I was 3 years old reports that I would scream and have a major meltdown if she went home a different way. It would really really bother me. Apparently what worked (sort of; it caused somewhat less distress anyway) was for her to talk me through it: "After we get you into your booster seat, I'll start driving. We are going to go a different way home today, because we need to stop at the store on James Street to get some milk. This means we'll go down Main Street, and turn left on First Street, then go to James Street, and then to the store. We'll get out of the car...." She'd talk to me about what we were going to pass on the way, and where we would park, and all that.

Then, once we were underway, she'd go through it again: "We'll be on Main Street for about a mile. When we get to the church, we'll turn left on First Street. There's a traffic light there, so we may have to wait for a minute... See, there's the church. Now we're going to turn left...."

She never tried to "jolly me into it," or justify it, or tell me what was so great about this new and exciting route. She was very factual and calm.

Even as an adult, I find that *warning* of change of routine is extremely important. Of course, I don't always get it, but it does make life easier.

Hope that helps.

I have this problem. I like taking specific routes to places we often go to. I'm not sure why exactly this is, I do like to look at specific features seen on specific routes, but a lot of it is still a mystery to me as well. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I'd just thought I'd say that your son is not alone.

I have to drive certain routes and park certain places because it's just uncomfortable when I don't. I get anxious about going unfamiliar places, but I'm not sure why. I think it has to do with traffic sounds, parking anxiety, wanting to park someplace where crowds and traffic aren't as thick because of the anxiety associated with noise and being jostled and the rudeness of other drivers. it's not anything on the route that's important, but more what's not on it.

I don't think I've ever had this problem but my little sister does. It's just a sameness routine thing I believe.

Is your kid any good at maps? I know he's four, but some of us are rather visual and get that kind of thing early. If you showed him the route before you left, it would help.

I study the route before I go someplace new. I hate that kind of thing myself, so I research ahead of time so I'll know what to expect. Of course, when you're four, researching things is a little harder.

Warning people when things are going to change is a Very Good Thing.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I found them very interesting and they help me understand his need to go a certain way

I believe for him it would be about feeling comfortable with sameness.

He has been a very visual boy from Birth! Our first photo of him was when he was a few hours old, he had his eyes wide open ready to study the world... didnt want to sleep during the day at all

Now... I think you are onto something with the maps Callista... he is only 4 but he may take an interest in them, so I'll pull them out for him to have tomorrow.

Changes in routine rock my apple cart. I tend to have the ability to only think about one thing at a time, although I can associate broadly. Because of this I have to have a procedure for everything. Too many things to think about just lead to confusion. I can rationalize that this is silly, but it's just part of who I am.

Thanks For your posts...

The reason why I might get upset at a change in route would be because I have no sense of direction, would have no idea where I was, and feel very lost!

In fact, I'm an adult now, and went out to dinner with friends. One of them drove. I interrupted the small-talk conversation to ask, "Hey, what street are we on now?"

One of my friends replied "Chestnut" and then told the street we just made the turn from, and so on. Now if only I could remember it all better ... She then asked conversationally, "You sure get lost easily, don't you?"

I answered, "Without MapQuest I'd be doomed."

For my son I think it was a right and wrong thing. I think he sees the whole world that way. When I used to take him and pick him up from school I would go the same way. One day his dad picked him up and went a different way. He called me on the phone crying that daddy was going the wrong way. I assured him that he would be back on the same road soon, that daddy drives on a different road, and that he was going home as he always does.

My son is very rigid and likes certain things the same. He's getting better now that I can talk to him and explain ahead of time where we are going and how we are getting there. That way he knows it's OK. Because of this rigidity I actually try to avoid establishing any routines in the first place, and that works for him. If I can explain in any way what we are doing before we do it he doesn't have the meltdowns he used to have. If you have language issues like I did, any visual, picture, map is a great way to prepare him.

While I never got anxious over a situation like this as a kid, I would certainly ask why we were going home a different way. I always asked questions such as, "Where does that street go?" as we traveled down the roads. My mother got sick of answering, "I don't know," so she eventually said, "When you get old enough to drive, you can go find out for yourself." So when I was old enough to drive, I did exactly that.

Does your son like to explore different ways of achieving the same thing? You could frame it that way as long as you give him advanced warning. Maybe you could even show him a map and show him what the new route will look like.