Pretty sure I have Asperger's...but is the disorder alone?

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Hello everyone! I am certain that I have Aspergers Syndrome based upon talks with a psychologist (not officially diagnosed, but he says that I display "all of the classic symptoms"). When I view the list, I tend to agree, with the hyper-sensitivity to sounds to the awkwardness in social situations...but I do not think it fully explains everything. I have learned all of the coping mechanisms associated with being an Aspie through soft skills training throughout college and beyond, and yet, I feel unable to succeed.

For example:

--I know how to act socially and how to make small talk after years of practice, but I have absolutely no desire to interact with anyone, even my family and best friends. I will literally find every excuse in the book to avoid contact with those who I am familiar with, and for others, I am able to put up a facade for a short period of time, but not much longer.

I was recently at a networking event, and after 30 minutes, I migrated to the corner and started panicking...someone asked me what was wrong, and I told him to go away.

--I literally cannot stand people, and this is only heightened by Asperger's symptoms (being unable to concentrate when others are talking around me, etc.) I will do anything to avoid conflicts with them, and as much as I hate to admit it, will only openly seek relating to them when I feel I have something to benefit. I have no real remorse for my actions, and I have absolutely no inclination to feel sorry for them, even in the event of death.

--I spend thousands of dollars per month shopping on EBay, if only because it does a great job of taking my mind off of life's circumstances.

--My uncle is bipolar, and as much as I hate to admit it, I fly off the handle way too quickly, and have a very, very inconsistent mood pattern. When things are going well, it is euphoria, and when they are not, I will do anything to try to reverse the feeling.

I mean, I know that Asperger's has symptoms of being asocial and unable to relate to people, and I worked hard to try to cope with this...and I no longer feel shy about interaction. But these other feelings...anti-social feelings, if you will (in the psychological sense) and anxiety, are they common partners to Aspies?

I just...need to know if I should bring this up to a professional. I am at the point where I am starting my career, someone who had the knowledge to overcome social awkwardness to get his foot in the door, but is finding it impossible to succeed at the job on a social level...and I do not like these feelings of hatred, anxiety, and depression that are resulting...I don't know what to do...

While there are a lot of attendant emotions and quirks that come with being on the spectrum, there are also many other conditions that can mimic much of what you describe. I think getting additional feedback from a psychiatrist or other doctor who you trust and have the ability to communicate with would be advisable. It could be bipolar (I would venture type ii, if that is the case), SID, or any of a number of other issues that would produce generally similar experiences with very different causes.


M.

I really do appreciate the quick and helpful reply.

Causes...hmmmm, would it help to mention that I have severe head trauma resulting from swelling of the brain at the age of 5 months? I sincerely doubt it, but it doesn't hurt to mention.

I mean, I am mainly concerned because I know how to cope with the asocial tendencies and social awkwardness...but I find now that I cannot approach people nor have any desire to do so. Going to work is hell for me, not because I do not like to work, but because it is a constant struggle with my own nerves.

Wow. Tough issue.

Having any success in a job sadly requires an ability to interact with others.

Well, you don't have to like people....just tolerate them. So, you need to work on this. Since NTs frequently use others out of self interest, I don't see why you should be concerned. Just seek to do no harm.



Wow. Can you afford that?



Having AS means you can also have issues with "meltdowns" and "shutdowns." It's not quite the same as being bipolar. Bipolar has to do with mood. "Meltdowns" (for me) are more like having a hair trigger temper, but not everything sets you off. Sometimes I have the patience of a saint...other times I go off like a land mine.



Sadly, yes. Depending on how much AS affects you has much to do with it. You can learn to manage them, though.



Hard call. You'll learn that the ADA really doesn't do squat unless your employer specifically supports helping disabled people make the most of their careers. So, anything that exposes your disability is a risk. However, if you need professional help to prevent ruining a career opportunity, that's what you have to do. The first thing you need to do is see if you can find a counselor who is qualified to help an adult with AS who your employer need not know about. The second thing is to get a feel for how your employer looks upon hiring the disabled. If they are not regarded as really being supportive, you need to take steps to protect your job and professional reputation.

I can say (from experience) that if there is an issue where the ADA would apply, if there isn't formal notice to the employer before it does something like terminate your employment, the courts tend to give the employer a lot of latitude in why they make the choices they make. Not to scare you. Just matter of fact. You have to be your advocate if you need accommodations for your disability.

Sadly, I believe my employment may be in danger of being terminated.

My last boss was as unsupportive as one could ever fathom--it appears that people with AS have inconsistencies with personality, and my boss made my performance review last year as if the 8-12 days when it really acted up were the only days that mattered. He cited "lack of professionalism" by stating that I had "little regard for others" and that I made "greivous errors" on reporting by forgetting to change dates on days when concentration was difficult. He claims that such inconsistency was unacceptable, no matter how good my work is on other days, and I was put on written warning...I showed this review to someone objective, and she agreed that it was a one-sided review that assumed that I was nothing but a lazy bum and that on a normal day she believed that I was one of the stronger people at my position.

She also said that I accomplish tasks so quickly that it creates the appearance that I put in a half-hearted effort.

Truthfully, if I were to bring up the possibility of a disability to him, he would likely be more inclined to laugh at me than believe that it served as justification for my actions.

There are educational requirements associated with my position that I cannot even bring myself to do...last time I tried, I did it for 10 minutes and I ended up throwing my laptop across the room. If they are not completed within the year, I will be terminated on this basis.

Truthfully, I just want out of there anyway, as I believe this review has soured my future with the company indefinitely.

I don't know what the laws are where you are, but in the UK, I'd advise someone to get in touch with either an advocate, the union or the human resources department, or all three, with regards to the warning, as it doesn't sound like it's taken your AS into account.

In the meantime, it sounds as though it would be a good idea to get your diagnosis formalised if only so that it affords you some level of protection from situations like this, help coping, and in general life, not getting in trouble with the authorities. Just imagine if you had a meltdown in public, and the police were called. You'd be treated as a hoodlum, not merely a temporarily melting aspie.

When my husband died, the police attended. My advocate spoke to them, and it protected me. Apparently my advocate predicted that I'd be pulling funny faces and I don't know what else, as I wasn't told the details of the conversation. From my point of view, I was trying to keep calm, so started chatting to the policewoman about my theory of the historical roots of marriage and her upcoming wedding. Thinking about it, I suppose that yes, it was a bit weird behaviour for the circumstances, especially from an NT's point of view who'd never had the delight of meeting up with the strangeness of me before.

So anyhow, you can see how a diagnosis could help you just generally with what life throws at you. Good luck.

Thank you for the helpful advice...this is exactly why I wish to stop running from the diagnosis, as it is becoming very difficult to cope at this point.

I have felt this way for over 15 years, and I have done everything in my power to hide it from everyone, including my parents. When I told my family and friends how I have really felt about social situations and social mores over the past month, they thought it was in jest...my best friend even started laughing .

I have been terrified of letting people know about my feelings and the thoughts that cycle through my head, and I have learned nearly every coping mechanism in the book in an effort to make myself appear "normal" to people...and it has been working. But now that I see that my mannerisms are holding me back from advancement, ones that no facade could ever mask, I have started to realize that putting up with these feelings and traits is becoming too much to bear.


It is because I have learned the coping mechanisms and still find myself unable to function or advance that I fear that I have something in addition to the possibility of Asperger's. I have accepted who I am, and that I may not be suited for the social pressure cooker that is the business world...I just wish that my parents were so accepting, as they continue to deny my claims as if they occurred overnight. They fail to believe that I could hide them for so long...

Going through the diagnosis is really hard too you know, there's a lot involved and as an adult it's torture. I've had to see several psychologists and a psychiatrist and had loads of meltdowns as a result of having to talk about really personal embarrassing stuff. But, that said, if you find it difficult to work because of AS you should get diagnosed. I've been sacked twice and had final written warnings, and demotions several times as well. I'm really good at faking eye-contact and stuff like that but I'll never be able to pass as a normal 32 year old because I still look and sound closer to 22 and on top of that I am incapable of having relationships due to obsessive/compulsive behaviour and asexuality. I reckon that the social anxiety and depression gets worse and worse the older you get so you may as well go and try and get help before it's too late. x

I read this quote, and you and I are one in the same.

I am 24, but get mistaken for 15 on a regular basis, and I actually avoided suspicion in elementary school by faking eye contact with my "counselor"...I was able to shirk future appointments because they believed I made significant progress. I am able to give stunning presentations and join in conversation for short periods of time...and regress for days because of being completely and totally stressed and depressed thinking I made an idiot of myself. I have been offered relationships, but have run in the other direction, for I know that I could never devoted the time or energy towards one, and I am OCD enough to have a collection of sports cards that tallies in the millions, and I still buy more, and can tell you the price of pretty much any card from any year.

I was put on written warning because my boss believed I had "no concern for the well-being of others" because I did "questionable activities", like burn popcorn on occasion, leave my comb out on my desk, and sometimes chew gum loudly. When I had a bad day performance-wise, it was seen as a liability that masked the rest of my hard work.

So, I can definitely relate, Marsian, and at the very least, it feels good to finally post this to someone who can relate

AspBite, one of the problems with Asperger's is that it can present as other things, and cause other things. I'm 65 years old, and when I was younger, nobody was diagnosing AS: it's only been about the last 15 years that even kids were diagnosed much, and for the older among us, many counselors simply won't, because adults have learned things, like eye contact, which I do very well, that mask the basic symptoms. I was only diagnosed last year. I've known for many years that I have a "cyclical" Clinical Depression, which I believe now is rooted in the AS social problems in elementary school, or maybe other things entirely. Prescribing the correct antidepressants for it is an art in itself, but I finally got the right ones (Zoloft + Pamelor) that really work well for me, calm down a lot of the emotion turmoil, bring me up out of "hibernation" phases, and settle the hair-trigger temper-- that's from the Depression, I believe, not directly from the AS. But I do still have panic attacks, which can be controlled by taking a Xanax as soon as I feel them gathering: they appear to come from the AS, maybe. (After I've taken a Xanax, I don't dare drive a car, which is another thing to be thought of in connection with a job. I can do any kind of work, though, just as long as it's not involving dangerous machinery.) You haven't said, or I missed it, just what sort of work that you _do_ do. Apparently Clinical Depression frequently comes as a result of AS-- I heard one session with Tony Attwod, in which he says that when Aspies need antidepressants, frequently a half-dose is optimal for us. But a lot of amateurs here who have it aren't going to get you sorted, that takes professionals, including a psychiatrist or other MD who can write prescriptions for the antidepressants and maybe the Xanax. It might be best if you do lose this job, to give you some time to get sorted and find one that will work with you, like say, one where you don't have to deal with people much.

From what I've read, it is possible that your brain swelling caused it, not that it's all that useful for knowing what to do about it. Some of the cutting edge research says that we may lack certain connections in our brains that NTs have, and that maybe interference with the brain while it's still forming its connections might cause those to be left out (for example, the lawsuits about infant vaccines that used to contain some mercury). But there are advantages to it, like the ability to focus intensely at times, and the savant capacities that some of us have. As I've read and been told by professionals, the best thing that we can do about it is learn what to do, form some of those connections in the learning process, learn how to work around our weak points and use our strong points.

And get hold of yourself and find some other distraction than spending money on eBay! You _can_ do it, and you're going to need that money for the aforementioned professionals: it takes a while to get the effect from the modern antidepressants, and the first ones you try may not work well, if they're for you at all. I had to go through three or four kinds before I got the proper combination, and I'm still continually fiddling with dosages, since my biochemistry still changes on the cycle that I mentioned.

But remember, I am _not_ a professional, just someone who's lived with AS all my life without knowing what it was, and who has read a lot about other people with it just in the last couple of years. Aspies vary a lot among ourselves.

I should have said, when I said that I believed that the Depression "came from" the AS, that I believe it was a sort of "habit of mind" involved with the school year, when I couldn't be alone enough to recuperate from the forced sociability in the daytime. In the summer, I could be alone all I wanted, and as a result, didn't get depressed-- I don't have Depressive problems in the summer, unless they're situational: I was a wreck in the summer after 911! But then the winter is "situational" too, on that theory, a learned habit. Just as the right antidepressants will work with a situational depression that comes from grief, they work on my depression. But I'm still an Aspie, even when the Depressive symptoms are dealt with by the pills. I'm just a non-Depressed Aspie! ;^) No pills for that condition (unless you count tranquilizers for panic attacks--treating the symptom), just learning (which also treats the "symptoms", one at a time)