Disclosing

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Edit: I've just had the discussion with my mom (more detail further in the page). Thanks everyone who posted, I really appreciate all your advice and support.

I've decided to tell my mom that I'm 99% certain I have AS. I'm really, really nervous, I don't know how she will react. I can't just spontaneously talk to her about it because I would have a hard time knowing what to say, so I printed off the chart that shows how AS presents in females, as well as a couple articles from online that explain what AS is. I am also going to give her the book All Cats Have Asperger's to read.

Do you think that sounds like a good way to approach the subject? Or do you have better ideas of what I should do? Also, should I make notes or highlight the things that apply to me or should I just let her read it and make her own conclusions?

Did I mention how nervous I am? I am shaking right now (I'm also cold, but a lot of it is nerves). I was going to tell her tonight until I realized she's going to bed soon. So if I can work up my courage I will tell her tomorrow. In the meantime, please anybody give me advice. I don't want to overload her with information, but I want to cover as much as I can with the initial reading material so she doesn't put me on the spot asking lots of questions, because I have a hard time coming up with answers spontaneously.

Last edited by SamwiseGamgee on 10 May 2010, 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

An idea? Could you show her what you just posted above? Maybe you could not only tell her, but show her.

Do you think she might interested in Wrong Planet inhabitants, where we could show her? If you want a reference, tell her the Lab Pet is your friend and I'm an Aspie. Another idea (related): Check out this site - perhaps your mother could listen to the 39 minute audio segment, "some audio of tony" which is on the homepage (scroll down just a bit, it's on the right-hand side): http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/ Very concise and well done AS synopsis * * * * * 5 gold stars.

SamwiseGamgee, I would imagine your mother (of all people) would be more accepting. Meaning, she's not a professor, supervisor, etc. so she's not in a position to "do you harm" if you know what I mean. I like your idea of giving her the book All Cats Have Asperger's too. I cannot know, but might take her some time to become accustomed to the idea.

Good luck (and don't be too nervous)!

If anyone is going to understand, it's your mom. Go for it!

With 830 posts, you might have said something incriminating. Send her to AspiesForFreedom.net or someplace where you haven't said too much.
I can't think of any useful advice. When my life is in perfect order, I'll start giving it out more freely.
Good luck.

LabPet, thank you! I don't know why, with all the time I've spent learning about AS, that I never actually went Tony Attwood's site. I listened to that audio clip and I think that would be really good if I can convince her to spend the time to listen to it.

I'm not sure I'm prepared to tell her about WP because I've said some stuff on here that might hurt her feelings, and other things I'm not ready for her to know about me. Though I don't really think she'd come on here anyway, and if she did I'm not sure how far into my post history she'd even care to go, if anywhere. Unless she sees this now and wants to know what I said... No, it's too freaky, she must not know about this site.

That's what is making me so nervous because if she doesn't understand then maybe I'm just crazy.
Although I'm feeling slightly less nervous because looking over the chart of female AS traits, I don't know how she could possibly look at that and not see my life written all over the page. Even some of hers.


I'm kind of disappointed now because when I asked her at 10:50, she said she was going to bed at 11:00, so I decided to wait until tomorrow so we had time to discuss it. But just a few minutes ago she finally went to bed... we could have had 2 hours tonight and it could have already been out there! Oh well, gives me more time to prepare and calm my nerves.

wow- good luck.
I discussed this with a friend recently, saying I disliked all the lying and hiding stuff. he laghed his arse off and said- im sure your mother knows there's something up, you're so weird!

in a nice way, I'm sure it will be similar for you. I'm sure your mother has noticed things about you, and will be relieved to know there is something concrete to go on, and that you're not on drugs or becoming a psychopath.
I agree though, dont give out your WP id- keep it secret. she might one day be bored and check through all your past posts, and even not, it's nice to know you can speek freely someonewhere.

do it as rationally and calmly as possible- prepare fully, but dont turn up with like 3,00000 print outs. point to stuff from childhood onwards that she will recall- don't like being hugged, hate noise, repeated routine, food avoidance- whatever.

massive goodluck. fingers crossed.

Do you speak from experience, or do you just have excellent imagination and intellect? Your remark is spot on, IMHO.

I recently disclosed to my mother as well.

I think it'll probably be fine. I was worried my mother would doubt me, or think I was being attention seeking (she's very logical and unmotherly, and I didn't tell her this part, but I'm pretty sure she's an aspie too lol), but she responded by saying it would make sense!
I bet you'll hear some good stories about things you did as a young child/baby that were very autistic. That's what my mother started telling me.
It was pretty interesting, and she's been trying to be supportive about it, and my mother is definitely not the most loving mom ever.
I think you'll be fine. Good luck!

Thank you. I hope it works out like that for me too. I'm also afraid that she won't believe me, or will get upset or something. I really wish she'd get home soon because my prolonged nervousness is making me nauseous and I can't seem to make it go away.


That made me laugh really hard because I'm trying not to do that. Anytime in the past when I wanted to discuss something with her I'd write a letter with printouts attached with all the relevant information.

Thanks for the massive good luck as well.

Ahahahahaha- oh god, I had no idea anyone else did this! I remember when I was 11 I was researching disorders and discovered ADD/ADHD and was certain I had it. I bookmarked about 30 sites and wrote up a full report for my mother to present my case.
What was even better was that she loved my research and told me to bring my print outs and written report to the doctor for my diagnosis...
(Again, I'm convinced my mother is an aspie.)

She may have an initial knee-jerk reaction of, "No, you don't." My mother did when I brought up the possibility with her the first time, and as an educator, she knows about things like ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, AS, and autism. She worked almost solely in all-girls private and independent schools, so she's seen these things present in very bright girls. Yet when I told her I thought I might have Asperger's Syndrome, something I'd been wondering about for a while, she denied the possibility.

A couple months later, we were talking and she brought it up. She apologized for brushing me off, and said she remembered how I had told her for two years I had ADHD and she's not believed me. When she learned more about it, she and my dad agreed I should be tested for it, and I do have ADD Type 2. (My father also learned he had ADHD.) She asked me to tell her more about why I thought I might have AS. We talked about it for a while and she asked if I'd talked to my therapist about it. I said I had, and that my therapist agreed with me. Shortly after, I was tested.

Since that conversation, my mom has been nothing but supportive. She's helped me learn and cope, and identify things I could work on. My dad has been equally supportive; he suspected I had AS before anyone else! As a teacher, I know it is sometimes tough for parents to accept that there is something "different" about their child. Telling a parent that a child needs testing for an LD is one of the trickiest things teachers have to do. Parents often blame themselves, which makes accepting things harder. Having all this information ready for your mother is a terrific idea! While she may initially not react as you hope, chances are she'll come around -- and who knows, she might be like my dad and say, "Yes, I'd wondered about that. Do you want to get tested?"

I told my mother and assumed she would be happy because I was happy and didn't think beyond that at all. She was happy for me, but it was way more complicated than that, sadly, and it probably would have been better to wait...

Keep in mind that if you are an adult, your parents might feel guilty for not getting it diagnosed when you were a kid. It may stir up all kinds of old memories for them that you have no way of knowing about. What if your parents suspected you had autism and argued about whether or not to seek help for you?

I'm not saying not to tell your mother, but make sure you've thought all of this stuff through beforehand. It might not hurt to get a professional to confirm the diagnosis first, either.

I told her! For the last hour we've been talking about it. At first she was thinking that she saw some of the things in me but was explaining them away by the fact that she's the same way. I told her AS was genetic. The further she got reading, the more she was coming around to it, and eventually was like "oh crap, are you saying I might actually have this too?" ("oh crap" like in a joking manner, not like "well now I'm doomed"). So I got her to take the aspie quiz, which she got 97 AS and 123 NT. So she might or might not have it but she has a large shape in the "intellectual" AS part of the result pie. But anyway, it went really well and she's still reading some of the stuff I printed off, she said she needs to absorb it. I'm hoping she decides to learn more and she might clue into the fact that my dad also has it, and my cousin.

Thanks everyone who commented, I really appreciate it.

The book is brilliant as an introduction to the topic. It also has lolcats.

I thought so. My mom enjoyed it too.

Yay! So happy you did. Tell your mother "hi" from the Wrong Planet, if you'd like. Many AS individuals do really well and are proud of our diagnostic distinction (although it can be hard too). The Tony Attwood site has some great info; the tab "about Asperger's" may be helpful and is written succinctly, plus the audio. Within reason, certain YouTube videos are wonderful.

SamwiseGamgee, I shared this beautiful video before but it's well received and so worth the watch. Note: Although video is "gently" spiritual/Christian, it's not intrusive and definitely applicable for anybody. Um, I'm not a Christian, per se, but I think this video is stunning! So many wonderful comments about this one - a medical provider I know LOVES this video. I imagine you're mother would appreciate, and it's compiled by a mother with Asperger's (in Germany).

P.S. This clip is embedded and therefore will merely re-direct you to YouTube with one click

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1SoL4UfPNI[/youtube]