Trapped in a box by how people perceive me

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I used to think of myself as someone who didn't really care what people thought about me. If I did care, I'd be into normal people things, and I'd throw my multitude of quirks out the window (well, I probably can't, but I could try, I guess). But I like who I am, and I like what I like, so I'm perfectly content with being different.

Then again, I think about the things I'd like to do in the bigger picture of life, and I hold myself back. Four years out of college and working... nothing has really changed since then. Looking to the future, when am I going to ever do something new? I want to, but I find that I just never do it. Partly, it's doubt and uncertainty that holds me back. My unfamiliarity with social situations makes me put off everything. I get these urges to venture out and do something outside my comfort zone, but then I'll back off and wonder, "What if people said, 'Oh wow, I didn't think you had any interest in that,'" which would just kill my enthusiasm. Does that make any sense? I just hate it when people comment on what I do or what I want. When I was a kid, my parents would ask, "Now are you sure this is what you want?" All that made me do was want to put it back on the store shelf.

I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in a box by people, and all they have to do is be surprised that I did something that's unlike anything I've done before, and it scares me right back into my box. For example, I've never been on a date... and it petrifies me to think about how surprised people would be when/if I'm fortunate enough for that to ever happen. It's ridiculous, I know. I shouldn't think that way.

In other words, I guess I'm not scared to be different, but I am scared to change people's perceptions about who I am, what I can do, or what I like. Deep down, I know that it's an irrational concern... I'd love to be able to just turn off that part of my brain, but I don't know how.

Makes sense. I can't stand it either. I have been jumping over hurdles for a long time now and accomplishing alot but then these as*holes tend to try to push me back in and act like I'm not supposed to do anything other than what they think I should be. I don't want to fit into their narrow minded stereotypes so I try and with practice get better at whatever I'm focusing on.

I will still forever be thrown into their categories. They wonder why I get even more withdrawn when going to their social gatherings. Well gee, maybe if you'd stop stereotyping me, treating me like s**t, assuming you know me when your judgments are wrong, pretending you don't look silly when you yourself react in an infantile manner to other situations I remain calm in yet putting me down for reacting towards sounds that I find bothersome, lights and crowds then MAYBE I'd feel more included and might just come out of my shell.

To put it simply, as*holes make me more withdrawn. They just love to judge everyone as if they aren't that way themselves like the hypocrites they really are.

I am EXACTLY the same way! It frustrates me to no end.

The solution is all about finding the confidence and strength within yourself to be yourself, and think for yourself. It sounds like you are scared of drawing attention to yourself.

If you dread some situation where someone might say something, think of it in advance and rehearse it in your head. You need to reprogram your irrational reactions to things, its not really that complicated, it just takes persistence and awareness. Instead of reacting to things in such a fearful manner and interpreting what people say in the most judgemental and negative manner possible, just see it in a neutral way. If someone says "Oh, I didn't know you were interested in X"... and that bothers you, just imagine that situation. Just imagining it will give you that unwanted reaction. Keep imagining it until the sting wears off, and then think about what you can say confidently in response. Summon up that feeling of confidence and associate it with that situation. Just explain details of what you plan to do, or what the subject is about and that gives them an opportunity to ask questions.

flyingkittycat, I'm sure there are plenty of "as*holes" in the world, but you need to relax. You're taking the OPs paranoid attitude to a whole 'nother level. People aren't judging you at every turn, you are just overly-self conscious. Just because someone comments on something doesn't mean you're not supposed to do anything other than what they think you should be. People have a right to their opinions and to react to how you present yourself, and you have the right to disagree with their opinions. If people see something strange to them they will react, it doesn't mean they are all out to get you. Often times things that seem different just makes people feel insecure.

The whole world does not revolve around you and making you feel (un)comfortable. Unless someone is physically restraining you from doing the things you want to do you have no right to complain.

And other people are not perfect, they can't read your mind and know everything so of course they are going to misunderstand someone who is different. If people put you down it is up to you to say you find lights and crowds bothersome or whatever and that's just the way you are. If you react to people comments by becoming hostile and insecure then people will continue to put you down, if you respond with confidence and reason then people will respect you.

You guys need to let it sink it that other people will say and do what they say and do and its ok. Its a process to get over it but you need to accept that people will criticize you, or maybe the bad things they say are true, or maybe they are wrong, but in the end little of it matters. With confidence and not needing everyone to react or not react the way you want them to, the world is your playground. You feel like you have no power, but the problem is you don't realize all the power you have. Other people have a powerful effect on you, but you also have a powerful effect on other people.

I've been pushed into that sort of box, so many times, that I've started to rebel against such people. I now make my own decisions, about what I like, or what I'm able to do.

SHEESH ...and I thought I was the only one who felt like this!

Right now, I'm a bit too overwhelmed to fully respond but...ain't THIS the story of my life.

flyingkittycat wrote:

When I was a kid, my parents would ask, "Now are you sure this is what you want?" All that made me do was want to put it back on the store shelf. [/quote]
This happens to me too. After I ended being a kid, and became a teenager, it still happens.

sometimes feel like I'm trapped in a box by people, and all they have to do is be surprised that I did something that's unlike anything I've done before, and it scares me right back into my box. For example, I've never been on a date... and it petrifies me to think about how surprised people would be when/if I'm fortunate enough for that to ever happen. It's ridiculous, I know. I shouldn't think that way. [/quote]
This happens to me too. It's scary, and annoying at times.

What I always hated is when people act like they know what's happening in my head.

This includes things like... one time I echolalically said, "How 'bout mousy-blah hair." And my brother said "Have you been reading A Wrinkle In Time?"

And for years I couldn't even look at A Wrinkle In Time because it reminded me of having someone think they knew where my words and/or thoughts came from.

Any time someone says "Did you get that from...?" even if I didn't, I freak out. (And usually I didn't.)

I even used to build these entire layers of distance from my own thoughts so that I wouldn't have to get asked if I got something somewhere.

And still a pet peeve is when people tell me what I am thinking or feeling. It drives me up the wall, and makes me really freaked out. And that makes me over-explain things so that people will stop telling me I'm thinking or feeling something I'm not thinking. And then they act like my explanations are aggressive, and then I get confused and even more freaked out because now they're reading aggression that doesn't exist into my actions.

But I have gradually been getting better at allowing at least some of these things to happen without losing it when it does happen. It's hard though. Really hard.

If people see you do something, especially if they're surprised to see you do it, which means that they've specifically noticed that you're doing it.... and it's something you've never done before.... That something is what THEY think is normal and you should do.. but to you it's something that you aren't 100% sure you wanna do a lot, you're just trying it on for size right now....

But because they perceive it as normal behavior, and all of a sudden they see that you CAN do it.... They're going to start expecting that you do it all the time... Which you may or may not want to do, and you haven't decided yet just how much you like it.

If people see that you can be what they deem normal... they'll expect you to be what they deem normal (ALL the time.. or at least more often). That threatens you with a loss of your "self" and your individuality, which you prize so highly.

I think we aspies have to learn to prize our individuality and our differences more than most NTs. Because we are SOOO different in some ways, we literally view the world from a different perspective... and as a result we DO act different... if we didn't value our individuality so much we would go insane. I think, and I don't mean to put anyone down in this, that that valuation of our self has a lot to do with those of us on the spectrum who are successful and those who are not.

There is another aspect at play here that I see consistently in aspies that I think I should mention just for the point of it. We do what some people would call "second guessing ourselves" a lot. I don't like calling it that, though I often resort to those words because it's easier to explain to NTs that way. Instead I think it's more an issue of us needing to be certain of a situation before we can commit to that situation. We aren't per se "afraid of commitment" instead we're just to practical minded to commit to something which is "too unknown to us"
To us.. trying something new... is testing to see if it is something worth committing to, changing our lives toward, a new behavior to pick up... it's more of a test to us than it is to an NT. We are more observant when we do this, thus it increases the chance we go into sensory-overload. It makes us more aware of other people who are witnessing it... it makes us ponder what they're thinking.. which for the most part we aren't good at doing.. so we come up with wildly inaccurate versions. Usually those versions are negative enough to stop us from even trying... other times just negative enough to stop us from trying again.... Especially if the first time doesn't go just perfect. A shorter version of this is as simple as saying that Aspies can't deal with Cognitive Dissonance as well as NT's... well, that they can't IGNORE it as well as NTs anyways... So we have more need to be sure of something before acting or believing.

Some recurring issues I see in the comments is also worth note... I'm gonna have to examine my own actions and thoughts some more on this one... It's like just because we are mind-blind we don't want others to be able to guess what we're thinking either. I guess it gives them an advantage over us. Hrm... long time ago, I do remember saying things like "If anyone were ever able to figure me out... I'd have to change myself or just plain move away." Yeah, I think there is a part of me that fears others being able to understand what makes me tick... but there is also a burning in me that wishes that someone really could... Maybe that's one of the reasons we tend to alienate those that we most care about?

Anyways... as far as doing what you described, and what I just tried to describe....
Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, afraid to wear it in public.

^

Very well-said, Exclavius.

I feel the same way, always have.

Don't let people make you feel like you've done something you shouldn't have when you express an interest in something or do something out of character. They generally don't pay as much attention to us as we think they do and even when they do, they usually get over it quickly.

I often do things that seem out of character, but it's because I keep so much of self inside (to fit in, but also it's something that I just do naturally) that nobody really knows what my true intentions are or how I feel about certain things, interests I have that I don't talk about. I try to express myself as honestly as possible and usually try to go with what I really feel. This does mean that I appear inconsistent at times and even unpredictable, but for me that's better than holding back just because people might not think I'm completely normal. The people who matter know that I'm a good person and that's really all that matters to me. The people who judge are not worth having around, and usually aren't very interesting anyway. You will find people who are most like you and that you really enjoy having around when you are as true to yourself as you can be.