Bio - Help!

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I got a publisher to accept my ebook. Now he wants a bio. What can I possibly say?

Born, not dead yet. Asperger's. Dysfunctional family. Education a shambles. Throngs of bullies at every turn. Retired. Isolated. Cousins dying in chronological order. Cries a lot. Likes ice cream, Law & Order, Pavarotti, oldies, writing, editing.

No, that won't do. How about a Penguin style bio -
Born in St-Laurent, attended Holy Cross and Athabasca. Lives in Cote St-Luc with dog.

Help me - make up a bio for me! Anything at all, really. Um, not vampire. Raised by dolphins?

So you're retired? What did you do before retiring?

What are your hobbies? Is there anything you like doing?

Maybe instead of dog, say (for instance) "his golden retriever, Spot."

Maybe mention the bullies in a more positive light. "Was a victim of bullying, but became a [your old job]." Something like that.

Maybe ask your publisher to clarify what he'd like, or provide a template. Or ask someone else, or look at the bios of other authors he's published.

Congrats,


Aren't the bios on the dust jackets rather sparse anyway? I hardly ever see anything beyond place of birth, current location, and who are what pets the author is living with.

Don't worry about it.

Couldn't you make up a fake one as and publish under a pseudonym if you want to keep more private?

There is so much you could say at 59! Perhaps you could start with a biography from a book that you really like, or a biography from a similar book from that publisher. I have had some things published, and the biography is pretty stressful, but the only comment I ever had (about two years after one book was published) was about a typo.

I am using a pen name and I was wallowing in the bliss of anonymity until this bio thing came along.

I always wanted a string of initials after my name but I didn't want them to be ADD, PTSD etc.

Yes there are so many things I can say at age 59, but they're all rotten.

I really need some help here, if you have the patience. I'm sorry, but for the life of me (pun!) I can't think of anything I'd want to own up to. I need something so vague that I can live with it. I like this publisher, maybe I'll stick with hiim, and be stuck with my bio. :<

Can you post a link to the publisher, and preferably to a similar book or book that you like, with a biography that can be read online? I am sure it is just a matter of replacing the bits one-by-one. My last one only said:

NAME is a JOB doing FUNCTION for COMPANY and he was previously a JOB for COMPANY. He lives in CITY, COUNTRY with his wife and children.

Is this ridiculous?

===
Trish has published articles in magazines and e-zines. She is retired from thirty years service in cubicle-land and devotes most of her time to writing..
===

Trish is my pen name.

Hey, that's great! Congratulations. What's it about?

Oh I am so weak, I can't even wait till it's done - here's the publisher's page on me -

How to Land an Office Job

I just sent him the bio. It says I've published articles, I'm retired from 30 years in cubicle-land, and i spend most of my time writing.

My pen name is Trish.

No, that's not a picture of me.

Thank you all for your help! Tossing ideas around really helped.

I find that when I do this kind of thing, it causes physical pain because it is so stressful, so congrats on getting it done.

[b]
i love law and order