Using Aspergers as a crutch or excuse ??

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I've never liked the phrase "using something as a crutch". Crutches are things people use when they have trouble walking. There's a form of ableist stereotype that says that people get "addicted" to mobility aids and continue using them when they "don't really need to". But the same is true of things like cars, far more so than it is true of mobility aids. People constantly use cars when they don't need to, but you never hear someone saying "using something as a car". People generally use crutches because they need to, on the other hand. I think it's all part of the stereotype that says disabled people are lazy and get special treatment and get to have "advantages" that other people don't have, and that stereotype leads to the idea that disabled people use these "advantages" even after we don't need to anymore because we're lazy or something. I don't buy that stereotype though. If someone uses crutches it's nearly always because they have trouble walking. Even if they can walk without them, it doesn't mean they don't have a condition that makes walking with them easier. Moreover, crutches, even forearm crutches, are so uncomfortable that almost nobody who doesn't need them, uses them. If you can walk perfectly (as in, without discomfort or internal difficulty, not as in superficially looking perfect) well without them, then there's no incentive at all to use them, they just hurt your arms and get in the way of holding things, generally making life much more difficult.

So in my book if someone uses crutches, or uses something the way people genuinely use crutches (as opposed to the stereotype called up by the saying), then they are almost always doing what they need to be doing, for good reason. I also think the near-paranoid level of fear disabled people have of "using our disability as an excuse" is due to the same stereotype, we're constantly bombarded with the idea that disabled people use our disability to get away with things. So we try to distance ourselves from that stereotype. Even if it hurts us, in some cases even if it kills us.

I know because I am like that. I am constantly functioning at 200%, tapping into energy reserves that most nondisabled people would only use in emergences. And yet even doing that, even pushing myself far past my limits all the time, I still look "lazy" to people with certain prejudices. There's no way on earth that I could measure up to typical standards even if I tried. And yet I still live in such fear of being lazy that I drive myself to the point of collapse on a regular basis. This of course destroys my health considering that I have a condition that affects energy at the muscular level. And it drives me to extreme levels of shutdown too. I am getting better about this, but my tendency is still to overdo things. One reason I hate this stereotype so much is that it kills disabled people sooner -- people who can't afford to burn themselves out, do it anyway, and if they have enough serious health conditions then they can die from the results of overwork. It's a serious issue. I'd so much rather see people being lazy than people working themselves to death. And yet I still can't manage to get to the point of just doing things the way I need to do (which wouldn't be lazy, but which I'm conditioned to believe is lazy). I'm getting there but I'm not there yet.

What phrase do you propose replacing it with? Should we start talking about using a car? I confess, when I use the phrase, I don't think of crutches at all, and anyway, I've never thought of it in terms of laziness. I've always thought of that more in terms of self-sufficiency; I'd rather be independent. Of course that's impossible, but I'd rather try to do absolutely everything myself and ignore genuine needs to get used to working at 200% just in case I ever absolutely need to.

Speaking of stupid things, why is the goal for disabled people always independence? Show me someone independent and I'll show you someone who grows his own food, generates his own electricity, built his own house, has no friends, no wife, no children, prints his own money (can't get it from elsewhere and he has to pay taxes, right?), creates any assistive technology he needs (like a bed, glasses, a car, a plate to eat off of)...

Why can't the goal just be interdependence wherein the disabled person is not institutionalized and contributes to society as much as they receive?

(Granted, I'd rather strive to be that friendless man who made his own car from scratch, not to mention mining the metals and tanning the hides for the leather seats... but then, I'm a little crazy that way.)

Though I don't think it's an ableist stereotype at play when I refuse to use Asperger's as an excuse even when it gives me difficulty; I'm worried that I'll confuse people. I mean, I can look like I hate you when I don't, but if I tell you about that, what happens when I really do hate you? Or, I'm bad at executive function, so sometimes it's not simple laziness that's making me act lazy... but plenty of the time, it is, and how do you know the difference?

You're not crazy, you just want to be completely self-sufficient.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel.

Oh I didn't mean everyone who uses a phrase means it to be ableist. I just was looking at the phrase overall rather than each individual use. Sorry if that confused anyone.

When I first started to understand my diagnosis, I blamed it on some of the strange things I did. My parents and my speech teacher encouraged me to not say "I can't do it because of my Aspergers", as well as to not be ashamed of it. As of now, I try hard to not blame it on certain situations, but sometimes my Aspergers does get involved. Nevertheless I still appreciate it anyway.

To others...no. To myself, yes. I have made no attempt by myself to get a job except once,years ago, when I put my now old and dead e-mail address online publicly. I got lots of offers, but they were all scams. I nearly fell for the first one,a money mule scam, but looked it up online because I wondered why anyone would want me,and found it was a scam.

I was told that I was "normal" and that I should "keep doing what I was doing".
I did and I ended up friendless, jobless with my head stuffed full of facts.

I was told that I could be anything that I wanted to be if I kept on working at the same rate. The schools I went to "celebrated potential". That is, the schools celebrated all of the things that people might be able to.

The philosophy was: "In the future you can reach your heart's desires if you study hard and get rid of your weaknesses."

I actually lost several of my heart's desires following this approach.

If you "promote success by celebrating potential", what you're basically doing is worshipping a fantasy ideal. You're planning for fantasy. Reality isn't always going to match up to the expectations (career plan) that you dreamed up in your head.

Surely it's better to concentrate on what people can do NOW and build up from that?
Surely that's a more realistic and pragmatic approach than forcing people to improve their weaknesses, so that they can meet some fantasy goal in the future?

I was told to do as many extra curricular activities as possible. That way, they said that I'd become "well rounded person" and impress future employers/college lecturers. My activities didn't impress them: they bored them to tears. They were frowning at me and stifling their yawns as if to say "This one is too full of herself: too big for her own boots."
And they were right!

Also, I've noticed that some very successful famous people were not well balanced at all. Some of them were neurotics who focussed on one thing passionately and obsessively. At school, these kinds of people were conviently never mentioned.

Success isn't always a good thing.

It can lead to burn-out and disability.

I remember being at an academic awards ceremony.
One of the student speakers said in a stirring speech that giving out academic awards would promote more success in the future.

It doesn't always.
Receiving awards made me feel horribly embarassed and inadequate. After the initial dopamine high and ego boost, I would feel disappointed when my performance didn't meet my celebrated potential.

I was told that I "should feel proud" of my achievements.
I don't. Actually, I never wanted to feel proud of anything. I just wanted to enjoy doing what I do best. If I'm doing that, I don't need any accolades or peer pressure.

Awards make me feel miserable.
People are never satisfied: if you achieve an award, they expect more from you in the future. If you don't deliver: questions get asked.

In the middle of a nervous breakdown I was told:
"You are better than this."

Better than what exactly?
What's is THIS?
How is being myself, warts and all, not living up to my potential?

I never wanted to put on a plastic smile for other people or be proud.
I'd much rather being working hard on my own terms for my own enjoyment than be coerced into achievement by other people.

Even if that was chopping logs with an axe near some cabin in the wilderness.
I wouldn't need recognition to be happy.

Recognition, if anything makes people depressed.

I completely agree with Collista on the 2nd page--well put.
Yes, reason not excuse. I get so sick of people trying to tell me I'm using it as an excuse when I've waited 18 years to find some reason for it.

I was told by some people that I "had a good brain".

It was like they were a herd of zombies saying:
"Vee vont your brainz! Vee vont your brainz!"

I think they wanted the credit for helping me if I ever became successful, even if it meant damaging my mental health in the process.

Those academic awards ceremonies were bizarre.
A man with a plastic smile would shake my hand and conglatulate me.
In reality, I very much doubt that he would genuinely care about my welfare.
It's like he was pretending to care and be happy for me.

The truth is, if he saw me laying in a gutter right now, he probably wouldn't even recognise me.

Not that I'm in a gutter.

I just don't see how all of these shallow pretenses and empty words are supposed to make people happily proud of their achievements.

If anything, these display of false caring and celebration reinforce society's shallow, throw-away culture.

Perhaps people should be just left to get on with their own lives.
Maybe hard work has it's own reward, therefore doesn't need to be publicly "celebrated".

I was diagnosed when I was very young and didn't even know about it until this past year. My parents never mentioned it for this very reason. I'm starting to think maybe they had the right idea, too. It's a real problem, but it can become a convenient excuse for not doing things that are especially difficult for us but not impossible.

I have to use it as an excuse when it comes to finding a job. I get highly anxious about looking for a job because it involves a lot of social skills; phoning up, applying, attenting interviews, starting the job...... Lacking social skills don't help. It's NOT that I don't want to work - it's the fact that I have such a low confidence and self-esteem. I can't help the way I feel about myself. I can't help it. It's in me, and I've got to live with it. I can't get a job in a shop or pub because of my poor customer service skills, yet I want a job in a shop or pub because I want to be able to work Sundays, because I get bored, because I have no friends to see, because I lack social skills, because I have AS. You see - I've just broken down my biggest issue to the very cause of the issue, which is the AS. So every issue in my life all seems to boil down to AS. It's like AS if the core reason for all my issues. So I've got no choice but to use it as an excuse for not being able to work here and not being able to work here. And I'm trying very hard to find the job I want, so don't anyone go thinking I'm not even trying.

Listen to this little theory. I hope it explains a point:-
Job advisor: Here's a job in a kennel place, hours 9 til 5, in walking distance, will be feeding dogs
Me: Can't because I don't like dogs barking because I don't like loud noises
Advisor: Why ever not?
Me: Because I have AS.

Job advisor: Here's a good job - in the local supermarket, hours 10 til 4, on the tills and the customer service kiosk
Me: Can't because I have social phobia because I have poor customer service skills because I have poor social skills
Job advisor: Why?
Me: Because I have AS.

You get the general idea. Every job that comes up seems to give me scary thoughts, and I try breaking it down as to what's bothering me about it, and it just boils right down to having AS. I can't have a job that will effect my life and make me unhappy. I get overwelmed in crowds, so working in a shop is a daft idea.
And I don't want people telling me to ''pull myself together and deal with it, or I'll never get anywhere'', because that's no good to say to an Aspie. If Aspies can do that, then AS wouldn't exist. And I know other Aspies are in employment, and I know I will be when I find one what's not too loud or not too complicated for me.

Ohh, I know I haven't explain myself properly in this post, but all I will say to all of you is just carrying on with the way you feel about having AS. If you use it as an excuse, then use it as an excuse. If you don't, then don't. It's entirely upto you how you want to see it. Personally, I use it as an excuse when it comes to employment.

This is a major issue for me and maybe, just maybe, it may ultimately prove to be the root of many of my troubles in life. It seems like i've always felt it's better not to know if I can do a given thing rather than to try my utmost and learn i'm simply incapable of it. I have done this with many things over my life. For instance, when I took guitar lessons at 15, the instructor tried to teach me all these elaborate solos. I never thought i'd be able to play them and I couldn't imagine remembering them even if I did. Therefore, they were extremely intimidating for me and nothing terrified me more than the thought that i'd never even come close to mastering them no matter how hard I tried. The instructor would write out the solos every week in guitar tablature form. I never even glanced at any of them because it just seemed overwhelming to me. I had only been playing for a year or less at this time and this guy was expecting me to master Randy Rhodes and Eddie Van Halen solos. After a few weeks of this, the instructor became very frustrated with me for not even trying.

I've done this with countless other things too....including math. I took introductory algebra twice in college and dropped it both times instead of receiving the inevitable F. After that....I gave up on trying to pass algebra (or any higher maths courses) because I was horrified by the thought that I ultimately might never be able to do it no matter how hard I tried. Thus...I just opted for course substitutions which I was eligible for since I do have a documented learning disability which manifests itself (on IQ/achievement tests at least) as difficulty with higher math concepts. I did not seek out tutoring or an alternate way of learning math, I just gave up on it. The thought that my problems with math might ultimately be a learning INABILITY rather than a learning DISABILITY was unbearable to me and still is.

What's worse is that i'm very self-contradictory when it comes to this sort of thing. I've been going out of my way now for years in an effort to get clinicians to tell me what i'm ultimately capable of and what i'm not. I've undergone more IQ and neuropsychological tests than any other person I know, including others with NVLD/AS. Maybe i'm just lazy....but if so...I don't like being lazy nor do I believe it's something I have a great deal of control over. On the other hand....it just seems to me that IQ/neurpsych tests can only tell you so much. One can only truly discover what they ultimately can and cannot do if they try their hardest and either succeed or fail. Personally speaking.....part of me just doesn't want to know for certain. I just don't ever want to admit that there may be things i'm incapable of now matter how much I "put my mind to them".


It's a catch-22 situation and as ridiculous as it seems... I just don't know how to resolve it. Try my hardest and take the chance of being devastated by failure or never try anything and live COMPARATIVELY free of mental anguish in the realm of unknowns. Wisdom may suggest the former while considering the latter folly. Still....I have known the pain of failure enough in my life and no psychic pain feels worse to me than a sense of inferiority. At least when it comes to a sense of intellectual-cognitive/artistic-creative inferiority.

I don't feel like I use it as an excuse, just an explanation, but I'm sure I have crossed that fine line at times. I'm still getting used to actually having an explanation/excuse at all, and I'm still figuring out when I need to push myself and when it's okay to admit that something is too much.

Although I was only recently diagnosed with asperger's Ive used the condition as an excuse to be a bad friend and not attend any social gathering larger than two or three people...