hello. how are you?

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Four easy words to say correct? But they have frustrated me so much in my life. It was only this year that I realized how important this ritual greeting was. I used to ask why I had to say those words over and over again to the same people day after day. No one really cares about the response to the question, which again makes me ask why do I have to repeatedly ask a question that no one bothers to answer sincerely or truthfully. The response is always "I'm good. How are you?" People care about the tone or inflection of your voice when you ask the question also. Must sound cheerful, sincerely interested even though you're not and they know you are not.

There was a woman in my class who was hit by a careless driver while in a crosswalk. "But she (the driver) was so nice about it." Seriously? The lady who was talking on her cell phone while driving in the middle of a busy city and had so little regard for you and any other pedestrian is more socially acceptable than someone who can't understand why she is forced to repeat words that don't make any sense to her? I know people need to hear it and that's why I do it and I hide my annoyance.

I know I am not alone in this b/c an AS trait is not understanding the social rituals and rules. I am starting classes again tomorrow after a short break and now must prepare myself.

Gudnite.

Hi there. How are you? [Fine.]
And you? [Fine.]
Good. Have a good day. [Yes, you too.]

Grease - Keeps the machinery of life running a little more smoothly.

Words

Small talk.
Niceties.
Pleasantries.

vs

Ideas.

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Noun

gift of the gab

(idiomatic) The ability to talk readily, glibly, and convincingly.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gift_of_the_gab

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blarney_Stone

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Gift of gab - Possible role models

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_McMahon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ned_Flanders
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mickey_Mouse

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In the world of business, some businesses say:

Hi, may I help you? - http://www.gatesbbq.com/GeneralInformation/History.aspx

Hi, may I help you? is different than: Hi, how are you?

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I forgot to shake hands and be friendly. It was an important lesson about
leadership.

- Lee Iacocca

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/autho ... cocca.html

Here's what my job is like:

[chime in headset over drive-through intercom]
Me: Hi, how are you?
Customer: Fine, how are you (or some variant thereof--from the flat to the overdramatic)?
Me: I'm doing fine, what can I get for you today?

It becomes automatic, almost "robotic."

Well-said.

Hey there, how're ya doin'?

Seriously, I have always hated it. Don't USUALLY ask, -I will say Good morning and maybe ask a REAL question, but I hate the phatic stuff. Often just ignore instead of responding - mostly they don't even notice, just reading their script like the telemarketer on the phone.

As for hand shakes, I force myself with Africans [cultural / practical, not racial] and with people who are in JUST the right relationship. But all contact is hard.

The difficulty I've always had with "How are you?" is...

What if I don't really care?

Isn't that just a little dishonest?

It drives me nuts. I swear, the next time I hear my friend say there words, I'm going to explode. I can't stand this making conversation garbage anymore. It's a WASTE OF TIME!

My first post:
I just discovered this board, dont know if I'm an aspie but definitely not NT.

My whole life I've struggled with this & other social 'grease'. I know what the expected response is, but I just can't bring myself to say it. It's difficult for me to say or do many things that are so normal and expected that people think it's weird if you don't. I somehow feel that it is coersive and I would be accepting defeat. Does that make sense?

I generally don't ask 'how are you', or initiate any social exchange, really.
I've settled on 'well enough' as a response, but in my younger years I'd answer as though the ? was meant to be taken seriously: "Ugh, my back is killing me, I didn't sleep well, I'm upset with my neighbor" etc.

I LOATHE this "pleasantry"... especially when you're somewhere like a doctor's office and the answer should be obvious.

Doc: How are you?
Me: *from my brand new wheelchair... can't even raise my right hand to flip him off* *blank stare*

What kind of a question is that? Come up with a more creative icebreaker, please.

I hate this so much. Apparently when someone says "how are you?" it can also mean "hello".
I find that I have to repeat the correct response to the "how are you?" question in my head otherwise I can never get it right (or I end up not answering the question and people think I'm angry, stupid, or deaf). I find it easier to ask the "how are you question" than to answer it. It's like I have more control, or something.

It drives me nuts too. I work with a guy who is usually travelling most of the week and will phone into the office several times a day and each time asks, "how are you?" It annoys me because I'm the same as I was last time he asked. It's as pointless to me as saying: "hello, do you have shoes on today." I say "yes, do you have shoes on?" and he would reply. "Yes, I have shoes on."

But I go along with it because it's supposed to be polite.

My aunt and therapist think it's a major problem I don't say "How are you?"

I tried it on a relative one day though and they were shocked

Welcome to WP.



Actually, it makes perfect sense. I've felt this way for a long time and had to train myself to pretend/act.



Ever see THE INVENTION OF LYING? In that world, your serious responses would have been expected and "normal."

Again, welcome to WP.

My problem is timing. Especially when someone walks by and says "hello, how are you?" but keeps walking. How am I supposed to process this, am I supposed to even answer?

When someone is not walking by there are too many options. "Okay, and you?" "Okay, how are you?" "Okay, you?". I've even repeated back "How are you?" without even answering their question, but now I'm not sure if I was even supposed to.

Me too

Again, this is usually at work--I get into a "rhythm" of what the exchange is supposed to be, but sometimes I stumble. Thankfully, no one seems to care all that much. All the customers really care about is that I get their order right.

LOL! Thank you for that.

Yep, the "how are you" question bothers me too. It wouldn't bother me if the question was honest and aimed at an honest answer, but it never is.

Since people don't want an honest answer and always expect a positive answer; I took to answering with "Grrreeaat!! !" I used the same tone Tony the tiger from the cereal commercials says it. That was my standard response for a few years. It made as much sense to me as always responding "fine, thank you" but seemed more positive.

I got quite a few odd looks. One day a coworker said "wow, I wasn't expecting anger an sarcasm in response to that." I guess people thought I was messing with them, so I went back to just saying "fine, thank you." This was all years ago. Long before I discovered AS and was told I didn't understand my stimulus value on others very well.

That's exactly how it strikes me, just one of those "duh" questions, like

"I've been away for awhile. Do we still live on Earth?"

Um....