Primal Urges

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I grew up hunting and fishing, I do get the urge to go hunting from time.

There's definitely something romantic (and relaxing) about doing outdoor activities and being in nature, but I don't really consider doing any of those as a reflection of my "primal urges." For one thing, as a female my primal urges are supposed to include carrying around a baby on my back and watching out for those cute pink berries.

Or so I've been told.

When I was a child I liked stalking animals... though, I never actually hunted to kill.

I have found that the smell of some people makes me feel aggressive and territorial. The people are always male and their scent only makes me feel aggressive sometimes. When it is bothering me, I get illogical urges to fight with them. I feel even more aggressive if they are in an area I think belongs to me, touching things that belong to me, or are interacting with "my people.” A few months ago I went to the martial arts gym at which my brother trains, and the entire place smelled of human body odor. I had to wait outside for him because I felt so much like punching someone that I became extremely frustrated and started stimming like I had not done in public since I was a very small child. I am female, but I have never felt this way about another female. If a female is sweaty and stinks, the worst I may feel is that she stinks and it’s unpleasant. There are also many men whose scent does not make me feel aggressive at all at any time.

I also never become attracted to someone gradually. For me, attraction is "primal." I am usually fairly calm and honestly do not have many feelings when going about my daily business, but occasionally I will notice someone and before I even know if it's male or female, I am very interested and turned on- and oblivious to almost everything else in the surrounding area. All of the "crushes" I have had started in that way. Interestingly, I have found that all the people I feel this way about turn out to be people I like spending time with and talking to- I am not entirely certain if this is because I genuinely like their personalities or if something happens to my brain similar to when people "fall in love", leaving me unable to detect negative things I would normally count against a person. I am leaning towards the latter as I have found that a certain young man I have known for almost ten years is starting to seem much less fantastic than he did for the first few years I knew him. I am still very fond of him, but I think whatever spell his prettiness and/or pheromones had over my brain is starting to wear off.

I think it must be scent that triggers unusual primal feelings in me. Of course the aggressive fighting feelings happen because of scent, but I think I need to be able to detect scent, coupled with something visual, in order to truly become attracted to someone too. I can acknowledge that someone is highly attractive after seeing them in a picture, but I have never felt strong attraction to anyone I was not physically close to. The sexual feelings are also very aggressive at first and are not so different from the other scent induced urges. Both seem to be connected. I feel much more territorial and generally illogical for the first few days after I have met someone I am attracted to, and I will continue to feel more aggressive and emotional around the person until… I am not sure when. The longest lasting relationship of any kind with a person I was attracted to has been going on for almost ten years, and while I don’t feel the same intensity I used to and he doesn’t seem as great as before, I still feel very unusual around the person. I feel sort of aggressive and invincible and nervous and vulnerable at the same time, if that makes sense (it doesn’t make much sense to me).

Although it’s not exactly the same, the urges make me think of Pon farr just a little. . .