Happy with no friends?

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Hi. I am a parent who is invading the general discussion because while I appreciate hearing from other parents, I very much value your thoughts as people who have lived through (or are living through) childhood with autism.

My seven year old son has no friends. He seems to not care. He's happy to stay in his room and read about prehistoric life or create artwork. I'm fine with that. All in all, autism doesn't seem to be a hugely stressful way-of-being for him right now in his seven year old life. In our home we know how to support him and although he has some rocky times (like during the holidays when things change and his rigidity and anxiety hit the roof) but we know how to help him navigate those times too. So everything should be just fine, right?

-BUT-

What I have read here from different adults who grew up within the experience of autism sometimes confuses me. It seems like one camp says, "Do nothing but provide comfort. As long as the kid is happy, just let him be". Others describe this incredible lonliness and the feeling of always knowing that they were different and genuinely wanting friends but not knowing how to make and maintain friendships.

So my question is: Do I attempt to pull him out of his "happy place" to foster social skills and social thinking (which are absolutely necessary to live an independent life) now while he is young and his brain is "malleable" or do I let him be and work on those things with him when and if he comes to the place of really desiring relationships?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts,

Definitely start fostering social skills now! If he doesn't learn them now, it'll be a thousand times more difficult as an adolescent, when hormones are sending all your emotional reactions and sensory problems through the roof.
I've always been hyperlexic, which is both a boon and a bane, but experienced excruciating social problems as a child. I also couldn't articulate or communicate my feelings at all well. For example, I was publicly abused and humiliated by a teacher in the second grade, and never told my mother. She found out from a classmate. I never understood or knew i was supposed to tell anyone. I didn't even really understand what was going on. This led to everyone in the school bullying me very badly for the rest of grade school, because they followed the teacher's example.
I'm trying to explain that learning social and communication skills has even more importance that just making friends.

Also, as he grows older, I think your son will probably want friends that share his interests. Is there a group in your community that might allow your son to make social connections with other kids on the spectrum? I personally was not so interested in making friends as a child, I was much more interested in playing and reading by myself. But as I grew older and became interested in sex and stuff, that kind of thing became MUCH more important!

I wouldn't go overboard but introducing him to more social activities is always a good thing. There are some people with Asperger's who never get lonely, never feel a need for people. Your son might be one of those type. But there are others who were always lonely and felt different.

Yeah, taking him to birthday parties and stuff and just saying, "well, have at it!" would be a bad idea. But basic communication skills are crucial.

If he likes art, take him to places where there are art AND people.

I have been a 7-year-old who preferred reading about prehistoric life and creating artwork, alone in my room, to socialising and making friends. My favourite dinosaur is still Euoplocephalus, what about your son?

I did have friends at that point, however. A total of two good friends, twin boys. They came over at my place a lot, and I visited their house fairly often too.
In my childhood, my mother placed a lot of value on stimulating my social skills. She noticed that I didn't respond as a normal child when I was a baby. It's for this reason that she kept hugging me even though I did not respond. I believe she said I was about 3 years old when I first hugged her of my own initiative.
For that same reason, as I'm an only child, my mother thought it was important that I saw my relatives often, aunts, grandmother, but especially my little cousins. We played a lot, sure we also fought a lot, but it created an environment, a home, in which I felt supported by and belonging to a group of people, though even back then I remained an overly shy and solitary child.
I never had classmates over, though I always got along well with a couple of children at school. I never felt comfortable to accept them as friends. Whenever I said goodbye when leaving a school, I figured it would be forever and just shrugged. "Thanks for the memories." NOW, I have located three of my old classmates via Facebook, and there are plans for us to meet early next year. After seven years of not having seen each other.

So yes, I would agree with Malisha that socialising is important for autistic children. 'Leaving well enough alone' does apply, but mostly in the context of not overdoing your son's social development to 'match' that of other children. It should never feel forced to him, is what I'm trying to say. My mother was careful about this with me. I had my me-time, and I had times that I felt perfectly comfortable and welcoming about the idea of playing with other children.

If I may ask, how is your son's relation with your other children (perhaps especially your six-year-old [daughter, son?], as they're in about the same age range, and both autistic)? And also, how is he doing in school, interacting with classmates? Is he getting along with any classmates in particular?

I am 34 and do not have a "friend" in the world. I have my wife (who is my best friend but doesn't really qualify in the context of what you are asking), my son and a lot of work acquaintances. I have no family connections to speak of. I have an excellent and satisfying career, a wonderful family and home life and could not imagine being more satisfied with my life than I am presently.

Coming from an NT's perspective you look at a life without friends as something uncomfortable or tragic. If you could see things from your son's perspective you may be surprised to realize that he simply does not want or need friends. I would have a conversation with him and try to discover how he feels about the situation.

Friends are not the yardstick all Aspies measures their lives by.

Same here It seems that a great number of Aspie kids started with their first special interest being dinosaurs. I would love to see a survey of paleontologists to determine the percentage on the spectrum.

I wish we had that kind of connection. It feels like the autism community is so fractured. Some parents keep their kids' diagnoses a secret. Some parents don't want their autistic kids around other autistic kids because they think it will make their behaviors worse. Some parents aren't willing to admit to themselves that their kids are autistic. It's an interesting world, isn't it? He's found some kids who share his interest, but he always says, "Nobody likes only dinosaurs or likes them as much as I do."


We signed him up for Cub Scouts because he loves nature and camping, and it is an activity that he and my husband can do together. Last night they went to the local, huge "jungle gym maze" as a group. When he got home I asked him if he had fun and he goes, "Yeah! (pause) Except the other kids kept playing tag with me and I just wanted to play by myself. I kept telling them I was playing alone but they kept tagging me anyway." That was actually what made me post this question. So, do I tell myself, "Well, he's comfortable in public and being around others, so that's good enough? Or do I push further and tell him, "When you're with a group, you need to play with the group. You can play by yourself when you get home."? That's what I have trouble discerning. When I was in a kids I also hated playing in groups. I sincerely had no desire. I still don't particularly like groups and mostly get through them by pretending I am not in one. It's kind of hard to push him to do something I know can be really uncomfortable, but I will do it if it's truly what's best for him in the long run.


He's partial to Spinosaurus at the moment, but it changes every couple of months. Sincerely, his knowledge amazes me. He's able to look at dinosaur posters and say, "Well, that one can't be true because those two dinosaurs never existed during the same era." If only he could go straight from being a seven year old to being a paleontologist, I think he'd be OK.


He and his sister are only 14 months apart and function more like twins than anything. We did early intensive intervention when they he was 4 and she was 3 and the therapists worked extensively on imaginative play skills...and voila! They do indeed play together very well. He plays well, for the most part, with all of his siblings, esepecially since he's trained them all to say and do exactly what he tells them to during said imaginative play. It's pretty much only "imaginative" for him. If anyone else dares to use their imagination, they may end up getting slugged.



His teacher said he mainly keeps to himself and that the other kids are impressed by his drawing abilities. His special ed. teacher gives him goals like, "Say hi to one kid today"...which I think is kind of silly, but whatever. He talks about other kids at school- how they are funny or get in trouble, etc. but as far as I can tell, he doesn't do a lot of interacting. There is one little girl who is always sending him dinosaur pictures that she drew for him and he puts them on his wall, but that's about as deep as the "interaction" goes.



I wonder why? Sincerely, what is so fascinating about them? His *first* true special interest was animals, when he was under two years old. He would drag a step stool to the window and spend great portions of the day just waiting for birds to fly past them. Just think, since birds are supposedly relatives to dinosaurs, maybe he somehow intuited that fact and eventually went backward on the timeline of development. Ha!

You should try to foster social skills if he doesn't seem to have social skills, but if he is a real loner with no interest into socializing, then I recommend leaving him alone especially if he's over 15 (That was the very start of my loner behavior although symptoms started at 6th grade)and capable of socializing. Certain loners do not like being pestered to socialize. One doesn't need to be social to be happy. Pretty much coming from an adolescent growing up to be an "adult adolescent" who is very happy being a loner. How little is my interaction with people other than first degree relative? Somewhere near 0-5 words a day, but I try to get to about 3 words. Sometimes more only if it needed, but it ain't for my sakes. People cannot make me talk if I do not want to or have no interest. It does frustrate me to try to pretend because it does take some effort and it does bother me to pretend to be someone that I'm not.

They are bizarre compared to what one sees in everyday life and they are gone. All the information there will ever be is already here waiting to be dug up or correctly interpreted. It's hard to describe as it is a visceral thing that defies explanation for me.

1. Dinosaurs are a fascination for many kids, autistic or not, just like trains so they certainly have an early introduction to them.
2. Aspies often like to learn names of things. There were tons of dinosaurs and it's perfect for learning things by rote.
3. These gigantic creatures were roaming the Earth before us... how isn't that fascinating?

Granted I don't have a huge interest in dinosaurs, but I understand the allure even if I can't explain it better.

I like your explanation. It really does help me see them in a more interesting light. Big, scary things that look like they could rip me to shreds were never fascinating to me, but it's been about 4 years since my son became fascinated by them (coincidentally he was first introduced to them in the waiting room of the psychologist who was the first to diagnose him with autism) so I've had a lot of time to learn about them and come to appreciate them...at least a little.

Also, MidlifeAspie, I was thinking about what you said earlier, about being happy with no friends. I can see how it might be true, but anyone who hangs out here obviously derives something positive from community or sharing with others, right? That's what I want for my son. I believe some people can be happy with very little social contact, but it is hard for me to believe that anyone can be happy with no social contact, despite their wiring. I sometimes wonder if those who say they "want no friends" feel that way simply because it sounds so threatening to go through the process of developing that kind of relationship.



SO true! Anyway, dinosaurs are somewhat interesting (though hopefully I do a good job of pretending that the thrill me because my son so loves to tell me about them). What bugs me about dinosaurs is that nobody really knows what they looked like at all. When I think about it, wouldn't that be a hard concept for a lot of Aspies to deal with? It's so gray and so un-black-and-white. Plus they are pictured as huge, loud, and scary....and they always have to be all full of blood and have long, stringy pieces of meat caught between their teeth. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers. The prehistoric world doesn't sound like a very nice place for people with sensory sensitivites. Just sayin'.

i would say, for now while he is happy being alone, just be there when needed. When he get's older start gently pushing him to do new things/socialize (that bit might me tricky).

I admire your ability to think so rationally about this. There certianly are parents that do want to keep their child seperate on the assumption they will copy the autistic behaviour. The major flaw with that thought is that we are autistic by the very nature that we do not pick up social cues, it is why we struggle to do what normal people do, we do not read body language. It is also not just those on the spectrum, but often the disability community. I heard one so called advocate say that whenever two disabled people are around each other it is a segregated environment and as soon as two people with disabilities live together it is an institution. I guess that means the two Deaf people I know who are married to each other need to be forcibly divorced so as not to institutionalise them. Sure refusing to allow people to be a part of the mainstream world is wrong, only allowing them around disabled people is wrong, but it is also wrong to not allow them any choice. It is natural for people to spend time around people like themselves. Doctors hang out with other doctors, lawyers with other lawyers, bus drivers with other bus drivers, and people should be allowed to choose to spend time around people with similar conditions as themsleves if they would like. Is a wheelchair basketball team and the paralympics really that bad!! ! For me real inclusion means allowing people to be a part of both the disability and the mainstream world if that is what they choose to do. CHOICE is the key.

Many people on the spectrum fail to understand why people are not as obsessed about something as they are, and it is something they can really struggle with, so what he is displaying is perfectly normal. I cannot understand why people have not memorised whole acts of parliament like I have. I do know on some intellectual level why they have not, but on a day to day level get really frustrated by it. I had a disability advocate helping me earlier this year and the response was I'm sure it is in the legislation somewhere, I'll have a look at it now, and my response was its section xxx on page xxx, and she was just shocked!! !! But that is me and that is what my obsession is.

Helping him to try to understand that most people have a wide range of interests is useful, you may need to get a psychologist to work with him on that, but finding a decent one can be diffiuclt. This has been essential for me to understand and learn how the rest of the world operates if that makes sense, but whether I would have been ready to have that explained to me at the age of 7 I doubt it, but it is something I still need and require, the constant help to interpret the rest of the world if that makes sense. It has howvever been incredibly diffuclt to find a decent person to help me.

It is important to ensure that he does have plenty of time to be alone, as that is clearly something that he needs. So if you have something planned for the next day where he will need to be socail, allow more alone time the day before and the day after if that makes sense. The only way I survive now is by allowing myself to have ME time and learning to accept that in myself was really difficult. I do cope with social situations now by making sure the day afterward I can spend alone, etc. It was what I do to keep myself sane if that is the right word to use.

Nothing wrong with aims for a hello every day. He does need to learn to be polite to people and to say hello and the like and providing it is a reasonable request, ie. one person a day, I actaully think it is a good thing to encourage. Sure he knows how to do it, but the regular practice is good, and is to some degree important, but it is also important to make it reasonable. I would not be expecting him to be social in both cubs and school. Cubs alone would be fine and a reasonable request, but it will be difficult if they go on camps and the like and he may not cope with such long periods where he is expected to be social. The weekly 2 hour meeting or so would be good for he, a reasonable expectation for what he can cope with, etc. But I would also allow him alone time before and after that, especailly if it is afterschool as while he may be spending time alone at school, he is still around people all day and that is a lot of a non social person.

I am in a different country, but the National Autism society and state based branches of it do have support social groups for children, teenagers and adults here, and for parents as well. Yes we have the parent groups who want to cure it, but the largest ones are about supporting us to be who we are, and to help us to live in the mainstream world as we are.

I've explained it this way: we need to eat a variety of foods to be healthy, and our minds need to learn about a variety of things to be healthy too. It's perfectly ok to have one, very favorite thing learn about, but if you learn about ONLY one thing, you will miss out on learning other important things you need to know, so you need to take time to learn about other things too. This seems to work for him.



This is exactly why I laugh to myself when parents suggest homeschooling their autistic kids and they are told that wouldn't be good for them. They act as if simply throwing the autistic kids into a large room of NT kids all day, every day will teach the autistic kid to act more typically. While I do agree school might be a good place to practice social skills, obviously autistic kids aren't going to absorb those social skills through the process of osmosis; someone has got to be supporing them in that effort.



Thanks for pointing this out in this way. To me, it just seems like a goal that is beneath his abilities, because he plays so well with his sibs that a simple "hello" once a day at school seems like nothing. You are right, though, when I think about him being stuck in a big building with a bunch of people all day when his preference is to be alone, a simple "hi" is more than enough.

Thanks to you all for taking the time to chime in. Often coming here and posting a question which is followed up by thoughtful answers is much, much more valuable than consulting with any "professional".