Why has my dad b ecome so competitive with me?

Post Reply New Topic

I am a female aspie in my late 20s, in the last year of my PhD. Within the past year, I have published a couple of articles in top journals in my field and have generally become quite successful in my field. However, I am not the type who will rub my success in people's faces.

My dad is a mysoginist in general. He has a low regard for women scholars, scientists, or writers in general. He has been ABD (all but dissertation = never finished his dissertation) in his field for more than 15 years and has leaned on my mom for financial support.

Lately he has been trying to demean me and decrease the magnitude of my accomplishments. He has developed a very cynical attitude towards me (he is 63 years old).

Am I a reminder of his past failures? How do I deal with him from now on?

Yeah, if what you mean by his past failures is how he never achieved what you did, then yes. Does his attitude towards you actually affect where you get in life? I have a feeling if you tried to rationally prove that he's just minimizing your achievements to make him not feel so bad about himself, he'll become too defensive and refuse to accept it no matter what you say. So I'd say just ignore him and keep going on with your life, difficult as it may be, if he starts anything just be like 'hmm yeah ok', 'right', 'sorry i'm kinda busy'.

Oh, dear me.

I had a Dept chair once. Missed out on his REAL calling so went to academia - already bittered. Never got himself a doctorate - I don't know that he was even ABD.

He was not your most sound person.

My sister - when our younger brothers started into puberty - used to pound them on the head because if THEY got big she ought to grow up. Which to this day she has not done.

No big advice - just be gentle [not too obviously], try to understand.

Hello and congratulations on your success. I wouldn't "ignore" and try and make him feel better. What your father is doing is plain wrong. My 8 year old daughter has high funtioning autism, and i hope her future is as great as yours. You have enough to deal with in life in general without a parent giving you grief. I would talk to your mother and ask her or another family member to talk to him and remind him how fantastic it is that you have done and are doing so well in life. NT people have not accomplished as much as you have. You need to be celebrated and congratulated, not put down. If no one can help talk to him I would juSt ask him to stop saying or doing what is making you feel bad in a calm, but firm way. you can not be treated this way just because you are a woman or because he is jealous. I'm sorry to be angry I just hate injustice of any kind. I hope my daughter does as well as you have. Well done!

Acknowledge his comments politely, then file them in the mental dumper. You can't change him. What he says won't affect your accomplishments. You can't change people, especially at that age, just demonstrate the minimum respect due his position as a parent, and let it slide. It's not easy, but it will get easier with practice. YOU know that what you are doing is solid.

I do think he doesn't like to be surpassed by you. Tough nuggets for him. Nothing to be done about it except keep on as you have been. Who knows, maybe your success will nudge him to complete his?

Jealousy?

Maybe he is preparing you for the real world. I am trying to teach my newly diagnosed AS son how to lose gracefully and how it is ok to lose (by winning when playing with him) . Just because you get a PhD, people are neither going to be nice to you nor are they going to be respectful, and that is how it works for NTs . I am an ABD but I quit because there is not much money in pure sciences atleast. But you can't put a price on the intellectual freedom academia affords you, if you get tenure. I assure you getting NSF grants and phd students will make everything else you have done seem like a cakewalk.

Unfortunately, that attitude toward women is still common among men his age--they have trouble accepting the fact that women can do their jobs just as well, or in some cases, better, than they can! I see this all the time when the mistake me for a woman on the phone.