Why Do Some Aspies Hate Small Talk?

Post Reply New Topic

I have been practicing small talk for over 2 years at my work, and its challenging indeed. I have learned to fake it rather good by learning what others do in their past time and what they like to talk about. The dilemma is that the conversation gets on repeat every week with slight variations.

And when we have emptied the subject my mind just gets blank, i have some standard phrases though that i use when walking past someone or stopping for a second. "Hows it going" "much to do today" "how long do you work today"....some phrases like that. they keep me from not ending up totally silent. And if i feel i go blank....i use "time to get back to work"

When i listen to collegues small talk its very different....they talk about alot of stuff and they just seem to be able to stand their chatting for half an hour if not work stoped them.

I have realised that its not that i dont like "small talk" that has just been a lie i have told myself. its just that i am unable to connect to that flow others seem to create between themself, since i am constantly in my mind thinking of what to say and do next. no wonder i have very little body and face language since i am pretty occupied already.

I dont think many in my workplace notice this since i guess i am rather good at faking.

It takes ALOT of energy though and it gets really boring since i am just repeating the same phrases and same conversations over and over again. No wonder i hate small talk.

My husband used to comment how I made small talk and he was not used to it. I only said it because I was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable pauses made me think if we were really good together (or with friends 'really friends', than we should have something to say. Since we did not I would break into small talk to keep the conversation going. He would talk less and then I would talk more as I got more uncomfortable. Now we sit in silence a lot, but I still feel the urge and do talk about the weather or something equally stupid.

I guess it bothers me that people don't care to get to know other people. Maybe most people go on forever on small talk, but I don't. I prefer to have deep conversations. But how can one start a conversation with a deep topic. I usually avoid meeting new people, but every once in awhile end up in a crowd and someone will start small talk. If it help get us to the really getting to know you stage than good. My husband skips this stage and goes directly into the deep conversation stage. I can't do that because it feels weird. I can't have a deep conversation with someone I do not know. And I cannot get to know you unless I ask you about yourself. If you don't ask me questions back I will take it that you don't want to get to know me.
I'd much rather have you show you care to get to know me than not give a crap.

I feel the same way. It's not that I don't like small talk or think it's a waste of time, it's that I don't know how to engage in it because I can't think of anything to say. Small talk is the art of having a conversation without actually saying anything, just for the pleasure of connecting to another person. I think it sounds rather delightful to be able to do that. I just don't happen to know how to do it, perhaps because I am not relaxed enough around people to let random niceties just flow out of my mouth, and certainly not enough to do it with effortless smoothness, while somehow keeping the nothing comments appropriate and appropriately engaging.

Small talk is cheap. Small talk is often shorthand.

When I lived 'up North' (I grew up in NJ), I handled small talk with silly comments or crazy rejoinders in order to move past the discomfort of engagement, often saying things that made people chuckle. I like to laugh, I assumed that other people must as well and I went to great lengths teaching myself how to accomplish the reaction.

If someone said "great weather today, isn't it" I might have said "Yep, great day for the CIA to see what we're doing". I might even add physical touches like widening my eyes and sticking my tongue out the side of my mouth, just to make sure my body language was appropriately informing them of my intent. I loved to get them to think a moment about what I said, maybe even stop and shake their heads in response. Usually I got what I wanted, them laughing briefly as they, and I, moved on. I avoided further participation by making my comments off handed and 'on the fly', as part of the frenzied persona I projected.

'Down South' they turn small talk on its head (I now live in NC). The 'Southern Hospitality' is sometimes a veneer, you'll find the natives say charming things to act interested though they may feel something quite different. For instance, when a person says "Bless their heart" in response to "my husband ran into the mail box again", they might really mean something like "an idiot like that should consider himself lucky he doesn't get killed". It's hard to tell from the delivery what the intention of such is, even an NT is fooled by the sincerity.

Just the other day I heard a recent arrival from New Hampshire complain that everyone in Raleigh was using "Who knows?" in response small talk inquiries. The transplant said if she heard one more person say "who knows" she was going to slap them, she felt people were being willfully ignorant. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they weren't really saying "who knows", they were really saying "who cares" because the locals are far from stupid.

Last edited by Dinosaw on 23 Apr 2011, 11:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

I have my own ideas on the various type of small talk. Essentially it's a form of sub-communication...and it's not pointless. Although I agree it IS annoying, it does serve a purpose.

1) Small talk with the person you just met - If they initate the conversation, this is essentially a way of 'sniffing' you out, like some animals do when they first encounter each other. In most cases, they're not as interested in WHAT you say as they are in HOW you respond. By (unconsiously?) listening to your words and watching your mannerisms, they can begin to size you up. Are you a friend or a foe? Sane or psycotic? Dumbass or intellectual? Since they have no idea who you are, this small talk allows them to get an impression of who they think you are, and whether further interaction is desired. This is the dreaded 'first impression'. If you make it through the first round of mindless drivel, you might then be felt out further, to see if you have common interests or idealologies.

2) Chance Encounter Small Talk - This is closely related to #1, except that you haven't actually met the person per se, you just happened to get thrust into their personal space...such as at a bus stop, in an elevator or a waiting room. In these cases, small talk is simply a means of filling an uncomfortable (unknowing) silence, to not only assure you that they're friendly and harmless, but ascertain your intentions or state of mind as well. Your response dictates whether they hit the button for the next floor to get off and use the stairs, or at least scoot a few seats farther away.

Example:

Person #1: "Nice weather we're having today, isn't it?"..........translates to............"I'm not a wierdo, I hope you're not either."
Person #2: "Yes it is, I hope it lasts a few more days."...........translates to............"No I'm not, and I'll leave you alone if you do likewise."
Person #1: "Absolutely, I could get used to this."....................translates to............"It's a deal. Thanks for letting me know you're not a lunatic."
Person #2: "Ditto"...............................................................................translates to............"Ditto"


3) Small talk in the form of gossip - Talking about other people and their problems is how someone with low self-esteem keeps the focus on someone (anyone) else and away from themselves. Not only does gossiping endlessly about other people deflect closer personal scrutiny, but also is their way of forming a 'bond' with you, by sharing 'secrets'. Such people often don't have the confidence or social abilities to do otherwise, and it doesn't help that often the recipient of the gossip is sharing in this behavior to similarly deflect the focus of the conversation from themselves as well. Although it might be thought of as a win/win scenario, it's actually just the opposite, since the two aren't forming any kind of substantial bond...like trying to fill your stomach with whipped cream.

So...in my opinion, since an Aspie tends to be more blunt and to-the-point, this little small-talk dance that NT's engage in IS pointless. Unfortunately, I think a majority of Aspies don't know the proper dance steps, and end up stepping on some feet. All I can suggest it to learn the steps. You don't have to "feel it" to learn how to move your feet...and you don't necessarily have to care about the subject matter to feign mild interest in it.

I understand the "point" of "small talk." Humans are a highly verbal species; therefore, they use verbal communication to "figure each other out," as opposed to, for example, dogs, who rely on smell. It's no different than monkeys grooming one another. People say random things to other people and gauge who they are and what they want based on the semi-random replies those people provide. People aren't "dumb" for engaging in small talk, they're actual quite smart in that they're preventing potential social disasters.

One I had this little revelation, my ability to "small talk" improved.

The reason I don't care for it is because I generally don't like talking, period. I don't even like talking about "deep" subjects because it involves TALKING. My preferred method of communication is the keyboard.

I'm sure if I sat and thought about it for a while, I'd think of lots of reasons why I don't like it but for me, the main reasons why I don't like small talk are:

1) It's a sign that we're running out of things to say, the conversation is dying and it gets REALLY uncomfortable from here on out;
2) It's a waste of time;
3) It's tantamount to saying to the other person, "I really don't have anything to say to you!";
4) I don't get it! I don't see the point!
5) It can feel very false - and I don't do false!

Because it is trivial, trivialising, ritualised, superficial, often insincere, and meaningless. Given a marvellous amazing brain, small-talkers choose to use it for that? Like using a ferrari just to go to the supermarket.

This. It's completely pointless and boring most of the time. I mean, is it really worth talking about how it's sunny outside or rainy? I can see that it's sunny. I can see that it's hot. What more needs to be said? I'd rather be silent than waste words on talking about what I ate for dinner last night.

And unless it's in the context of a first encounter, I equate small talk=small mind.

For me, it's just boring and also awkward because I don't know how to respond to the other person.

Last edited by daydreamer84 on 22 May 2014, 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

For me, its because Small talk is spontaneous and about current general events, Im not a Spontaneous person and i dont have multiple interests to talk about. Most of the time i have a 'Script' i follow, and i never have a script for small talk. mostly greetings and 'good byes'

This is so me. I typically have no clue what to say unless a conversation has to do with something I?m very interested in or passionate about.



I agree with both of you so much. I used to work at Trader Joe's, and they insisted that we talk to the customers at the register. I marveled at how easy it was for most people to talk on and on about the most asinine stuff. I just couldn't do it, so my line was the fast one; the sooner they were gone, the less time to force up a fake conversation about their potato chips or frozen pasta. I wasn't cut out for customer service. I someone was wrong, I told them so. "The customer is always right" was the bane of my existence. How can it be possible that every single customer is ALWAYS right?

No wonder I've always had a hard time staying on a job. Maybe if I could talk to people as easily as I can converse through type as I do here, my life would be a lot easier.

Because it is a COMPLETE WASTE OF ENERGY.

Why do people feel the need to force conversation in order to clear the air? Let me tell you:

Because they are stupid. They are afraid. They are incapable of deep thought. They are crapping on the planet and on all of us day in and day out.



But it's fine, we're the one's with the disorder, because we don't feel the need to follow social conventions in order to avoid facing the facts on a daily basis. We don't feel the need to fill space and waste important energy on completely meaningless, utterly worthless "feel-good" conversation. And then we are blamed for being "weird," "abnormal," "bad," "horrible," by these stupid people, the same people who are very seriously risking the forward progress of the human race. All for a little small talk. Return to the safety of your home, Aspie, nobody wants you! You are not part of the "normal" way.

Sorry, I guess it has to be said, doesn't it?

For me it depends on the small talk. For example, for a while I was living in the country, we had a stable and my neighbor was keeping his horse there (one of those cool really big horses with fluffy feet lol). Sometimes when the neighbor would come over to take care of his horse I would just watch him and he was talking about horses etc, it was interesting small talk to me, nothing personal, just an interesting general subject. On the other hand, I didn't like small talk with his wife, eventho she was also a nice person, because she kept asking questions and it annoys me, especially coming from an almost stranger, with whom I am not ready to share my feelings or details concerning my life.

There is of course also the very boring small talk, like someone mentioned, what kind of purse you prefer etc.

Speaking of small talk ... I always wonder what in the world the royals (or other public personalities) say to all these people who are there to see them, I always see them do small talk with a lot of people ... they must be really good at it.