Unable to read social cues or just distracted

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After taking some tests, I'm beginning to suspect that I am actually able to read social cues, at least to some extent. However, I find that in the real world I generally miss them. It could be that I've just gotten to the point when I can use pattern recognition instead of some innate NT ability. It could also be that I'm just so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I'm not paying any attention. What do you think is your reason for being unable to read social cues?

By social cues, I mean things like noticing when people are getting bored, irritated, or uncomfortable with what I am saying, noticing when someone dislikes me, and the like.

I'm often preoccupied with my own thoughts, but I also find it painful to make eye contact, at least, and I honestly just never know when people are bored.

I remember I took this class in college that was about interpersonal relationships, and it introduced this idea of a "perception check" where you actually stop and ask people if they're thinking what you think they might be thinking. This seemed a brilliant idea because I have no idea otherwise. Unfortunately, people read all kinds of things into these kinds of questions and some people are irritated by them.

That does seem like a good idea, and I think that I will try to do that. I can see how it might be misinterpreted, though.

I just realized that maybe I should just look at people's expressions to see what they tell me. I had assumed that reading people's expressions was an automatic process, but maybe I need to make a conscious effort to do this more often.

I put none of the above. I find that... basically to read body language means that I have to not be doing language, at all. Doing language (creating or listening to) messes up my ability to do anything nonverbal including understanding people's movements. I don't know that it's specifically facial cues I notice, suspect it isn't, but rather the overall body movement patterns of people. (I also suspect what I notice is not the same movement patterns nonautistic people notice in each other.) But I can't do that when actually talking to someone or listening to them talk. It has to be that I have language completely shut down in order to understand. Can't do both at once.

For me it's a combination of things, I'm not great at reading social cues in the first place plus I find it difficult to make eye contact. Also I'm not so much preoccupied with my own thoughts but rather preoccupied with what I am saying (both actually getting the words out and esuring that they make sense).

Another thing is that I am much better at reading social cues when I'm observing other people, firstly because social interaction is so overwhelming and secondly because it's easier to pay attention to social cues when I don't have to deal with all of that or have to actually speak.

I can multitask on the computer: writing on Open Office or a word doc, have multiple tabs, etc.

But when it comes to socializing I can only focus on one task. Either I'm watching body langauge or I am talking. I really have a hard time doing both, so I become very oblivious to what other people are feeling because I can't focus on processing me talking and watching them.

I answered 'preoccupied with my own thoughts' but really I think I am preoccupied with sensory information too. I do notice them but I don't understand them right away. It's a mixture of a stressful environment, trying to follow a conversation and deciding when is a good time to speak.
I think it's all down to my ability to be only able to focus at one thing at a time. Eye contact will make me mess up what I'm talking about or not understanding what someone is talking about.

I do know how to tell if someone is bored, dishonest, angry, etc. Though sometimes I can over exaggerate face expressions and tone of voice. I can tell when people find me boring because I guess I just know that my interests aren't very interesting to them.
Sarcasm is still very hard to pin point.
Also, when I was younger I didn't know when people were making fun of me or being mean but now I think I'm hyper aware of it because of past experiences.

Edit: Watching Lie to Me helps.

Im at the same issue: I dont know if Im missing something at all and I think/hope I am not missing a thing as long as I pay attention. I would never have troubles catching if somebody is bored of what Im saying or figuring that somebody dislikes me etc., but maybe I miss more complicated stuff. It is just so hard to tell, because then I wouldnt be able to see it..... so I need somebody to tell me if I missed something. Im also ignoring people at most, so I have not payed enough attention before, that is clear. But what I have experienced a lot is that people think I dont like them, so maybe it is because I have ignored some of their signs? Im going crazy right now because of the possibility that I might be limited in that regard. Thats why I cant vote right now.

Yes, you are all correct. That is something that I overlooked. Though I can read facial expressions, it is quite a challenge for me to listen, to think of what to say next, to make eye contact, and to interpret facial expressions. I can really do at most two of those at the same time.



Me too. I have to consciously think about anything that anybody says about me, to make sure that there is not something hidden. That does make conversation difficult.



I know what you mean. The tests that I passed show that I have some ability to read facial expressions. They don't tell me how I do this. I may just be using pattern recognition, while NTs use an innate ability. That does bring up the possibility that I am missing some more subtle indications.

Yes, the "life test" I have made shows me that I understand nonverbal language and ambiguities.

I moved from Norway to Germany when I was 17, and from then I started to detect that people where indirect in speaking and acting. I thought it was because of my different mentality and so did my friends, who teached me a lot the first years. I had especially one friend who used to tell me things like: "The person you just talked to thinks that.....because you said....and behaved....." He constantly told me things I had misunderstood and I thought a long time that he was the reason for my anxieties, and what I thought most: I dont like Germany, because people are indirect and boring here. I felt that I was on the right side and all the others where suggercoating, hinting and being boring due to their origin. My behavior is accepted until this day because my friends think that in my native country Im normal. I also use to express my annoyance when somebody is being indirect and teach my friends how to say things as they are

I actually thought until recently that german and french mentality is more away from the nature and more finicky due to a longer academic history, or something like that
Also jokes which implies 2 or 3 meanings, and that would be the whole point; still makes me feel extremely bored.

I have been stubborn and outgoing, and that has helped me I guess.

I have always understood nonverbal language well, but what I guess now, is that body language in my direction; which is applied to make me understand something particular, could be the problem. I mean the kind of signs that only me and the person giving it to me are aware of. I see this communication everywhere but feel that I have nothing to do with it. Yes I can give clear signs to people and also receive, but I think Im ignoring most of the ones directed to me. My aspie friends though, dont even have to glance in my direction to make me aware of something. I understand something within a millisecond if one of my aspie friends is not even confronting me with her face.
And I think it is exactly the face that is the problem, because I see that people are confronting each other for much too long, looking each other straight in the face without using particular many words. I dont do that with my aspie friends or anybody else, it would simply be too personal. I have had (especially) girls communicating with me that way before and I feel run over by it. Its an attack.
I understand it though, but I cant take the person seriously. I kind of have the feeling that Im confronting a naive child when it happens.
I think that because I cant take people seriously (maybe due to their unconsciousness?) I ignore the signs that are directed to me; on purpose. I dont want to have a personal connection to most people, because I feel different. I cant have nonverbal conversation on an unconscious level, but faking works fine, it is just exhausting.
That means, that I have personal connection to some people, but those are the people that understand to not intrude my personal space. I have known another aspie girl since for ever and we still can only look each other in the eyes for max 2 seconds. I believe that our nonverbal communication is much more difficult to detect than that of NTs.
I start to believe that my signs are finer and more conscious, which will explain why I experience the world as a brutal place where my nonverbal signs are often run over by some unconscious NT. This would also explain why Im fighting so much instead of living.

Why I misunderstood people when I came to Germany I guess is because I didnt care about personal directed signs. I have always felt more independent in a way, because I counted on myself and I ignored most peoples attempts to generate a connection. If people think that we have a connection and Im in fact consentrating on other stuff, of course there must be misunderstandings....
I also think that I was not the one misunderstanding, because most (if not all) of the misunderstandings where based on: I had been flirting with someone or I had showed someone that I dont like him/her. What about this: I didnt show anything and people thought a lot, and why I didnt notice that people thought a lot was because I ignored them, and not because I cant understand nonverbal communication.

It took me a while to understand this message, but I think that I see what you are saying. It's interesting that you seem to be capable of reading your Aspie friends so well. I guess that makes sense, because some Aspies are extremely sensitive. I think that I am at the other extreme, where I am somewhat insensitive to everything.

The slow recognition of cues we can synthesise from learning doesn't count - only the near-instantaneous stuff that, if you're like me, just doesn't work.

With one other aspie girl, I communicate on a different level because I know she understands the situation the same way as I do. Nobody notice this communication, and it separates us from other people and their realities. At some point I was embarrassed when talking to other people while she was watching, because she understands everything. She is also better than me in dealing with people sometimes. Im just not used to be understood, so our relationship is exeptional.

Maybe it is the differense between male and female AS, and maybe Im no aspie. I dont know if I have a slow recognition of cues, but maybe Im slow reacting to a cue if Im not there on the persons level.

I tend to misread people. For me, predicting what someone is feeling is akin to an elaborate guessing game and based on pattern recognition I think. I try to be sensitive to people's feelings, but I often get it wrong. So I end up asking the same questions often... "Are you OK?" "Is everything alright?" in hopes of them telling me. Because if they don't tell me, I have no way of really knowing. I find this method works pretty well, but it isn't appropriate everywhere and it can get annoying for the person I'm trying to talk to.

Mostly it's just distraction for me, I just don't routinely scan people, and even when I do look at them, I'm usually just thinking "yup, make eye contact, smile a bit, now what were we talking about?"

But if it's distraction that primarily stops me from reading social cues, the very fact that it stops me would mean that I'm not very good at reading them, having not had enough practice. Nonetheless, I've seen some important clues when I managed to look for them and when the clues have been fairly strong - I've seen anxiety, happiness, sorrow and anger. I'd have probably benefitted if only I'd known what to do about them.