Think I am, but not sure what to do...
27 Feb 2011, 5:50 pm
Hello. I'm Frankie/Francesca.
First of all, sorry if I blab, but I guess this is my first ever vent about aspergers.
Recently a friend of mine with aspergers told me she thinks I could have it, too. She sees me in all sorts of moods and behaviours and out of everyone I know she probably knows me best. I agreed with her.
I've never totally thought about autism or aspergers before. Now I know more about it I've suddenly become overwhelmed by the aspects I really can relate to. It would explain A LOT.
My family have questioned whether I have some kind of autistic tendency. Apparently my mum always wondered. My sister asked her not so long ago and she replied "Yeah, she probably is, but I never did anything about it." It kind of upsets me that she could see how different I was to the other kids and even wondered if I had something 'wrong' but just shrugged it off.
I can't help thinking that if she had done something my future of school and university wouldn't have been so hard. I wouldn't have felt so goddamn isolated. I could have understood why I am the way I am. If she really knew how difficult social situations have been for me and how negatively affected I've been I think it would upset her. Problem is if I sit down with her and tell her I MIGHT have aspergers or something similar she'd just think I'm being silly and that whatever issues I have are things I can correct. I have other personal things I'm going to have to talk to her about, also (namely, my sexuality) that I know she'd have a hard time getting through her head. I just think maybe it would overwhelm her and she'll lay blame somewhere.
I know maybe I'm just worrying too much, but I know from many years of observation that she'd react that way. My dad used to have spells of depression (I do have a few relatives with bipolar, etc, and 'socially odd' behaviour ) When my mother found out she just told him she had no time for people like that and he should just get over it.
She likes to blame me for not having very many friends. She keeps complaining that I don't do enough social activities and don't put myself out there. I DO push myself and I HAVE tried, but she doesn't understand that it's just failed for me. She said university for me was a "missed opportunity" and I've wasted it. She told me that when I graduate she's worried I'll just stay at home, unemployed and do nothing with my life. It makes me so angry. Really, I can't 100% explain to her why I CAN'T be the wonderfully social, typical, extrovert, go-getter student she encourages me to be.
It's not just her who makes me angry, it's everyone. Although I WANT more friends, I really can't stand most people. I've only ever met one person who REALLY understands me and that person just happens to have aspergers. We're very similar people.
The isolation is crazy. Most people either don't want to know me or don't bother to have the patience and understanding. Most friends I've ever had have come and gone and express no desire to salvage the friendship. I go through waves of emotion when I can't sleep, but I'm tired and when I'm tired I get irritated and upset. I get sad a lot. I'm anxious a lot. I'm, a lot of the time, a mess.
I'm just fed up that very reserved, introverted people are expected to fit into the rest of the world or deal with the lonely consequences. I went to a huge family get together and EVERYONE went. I'd be having dinner around a huge table of people with their partners or whatever. I felt lonely. I felt disorientated, agitated and exhausted. If I was in that room by myself I wouldn't have been. I almost friggin' cried.
I could go on forever. I'm not really sure why I joined here. Maybe I just need to talk to like-minded people. I want to be understood.
If you stayed awake long enough to read all of this, cheers!
