A letter to my father.

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This was what I wrote in am email I just sent to my dad:

Dad,

You are an important member of my family. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. But there are several reasons why I don't want to be around you. The basic reasons are why Mom has been sending me back; I had not wanted to come for over a year now. She's been trying so hard to keep me going back, because she believed you would chang enough to realize who I really am on the inside. She was also hoping you would be the father I've always needed. Sadly, her attempts do not prevail much positive results. I've always feared you when I was younger, but now that fear has turned into resentment. I don't want to come over because something different happens every time, and I know I'll cry at least once. You see, you can't treat me like Hannah, Courtney, and Chandler. I'm different in many ways. I don't think like them, and I never will. Having Asperger's Syndrome is not something I can grow out of, just something you need to get used to. You have never understood me for who I am, and I'm not sure if you're even trying to understand. If you truely understood how I felt, and even wanted to learn more about me, you would have done that. That's one of the things I actually like about you; you get things done, and may learn something in the process. I'm not going to be what you've always wanted, but you still have a chance to make me feel like family when I go over there. I'm not ten tears old anymore. I'm going into Sophomore year. I passed Freshman year sucessfully. I've accomplished so much more than what was expected of me. And when I come over to tell you that I did it, hoping for a positive reaction from you, you completely ignore me and go strait to Hannah, who hd just finished 7th grade. I'm not saying you shouldn't be proud of her, because I know I am. I want you at lease ONCE to say somethng encouraging, like "Way to go, Makayla! I knew you could do it." Sometimes I never really feel like your child, just more like an unwanted house guest. You've known me since I was born, but you don't know what I'm like. There are several positive things about me you have never recognised. I also change so much, even over the course of a month. You still treat me like that terrified ten year old who is trying to stay out of trouble; but can never figure out how. In order for things to be different, you have to understand that I have different standards than most people. You know how many people out there are just like me? Many of them have accomplished as much as I have. Do the research; you may be surprised to see what people like me can do. I have many doubts that this letter will not work at all, because I feel like this is falling on deaf ears. Please let me know I'm writing this letter in vain.

Sincerely, with all my heart,

Makayla

parents are humans too

i know, just saying.
sometimes at 15 it's hard to remember that making a baby doesn't instantly make you super-human.

did he reply?

So, basically, it sounds like you're dad is a jerkface. Now, I'm not there, I can't actually see what's really going on, but from my experience, in situations like this, it's usually the parent's fault. The whole comment about parents not being superhumans is pathetic. If you decide to have a child, that is a huge responsibility in many ways. If you can't handle it, but have a child anyway, I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no respect for you. Of course your parents aren't going to be perfect, but if it's that bad to the point where you can't be around them, then there must be a failure somewhere.

Which brings me to the second thing I was going to say. He probably blames it on AS. I'm sure all of us here know that's full of crap. That isn't any better of an excuse for him as it is an excuse for us to intentionally be a jerk. Well, wait a minute. Maybe this has made a full circle. If he has AS too, it could be because of that. But then, I would think that if he has AS he would understand you better. I don't know, I need more information before I can go around making assumptions like this.

And lastly, I didn't get any sort of positive reactions for passing the 9th grade either. I had a cousin graduating from high school, two cousins graduating from college, and even my little sister graduated from elementary school that year. It was by far the hardest year of my life, and nobody ever said anything to me about it. It might not seem like you've accomplished much, but after freshman year, it's all downhill from there, and it goes by fast.

are you always doing good at school? perhaps he feels the others need more encouragement than you to do well but doesn't realise you'd like some too...?

My father also never, ever gave any praise or positive reinforcement to either me or my sister as we grew up. I can remember vividly being chosen for a very advanced program during middle school...that program had a math section and a science section. I got into the science one. His comment? If you had studied more you couldve gotten into the math section too.

In high school I had tried out for the school's swimming team but I did not get chosen.. I was slightly overweight compared to the other guys that were stick-thin but my lap times were the same as theirs. In any case, months after I was passed over, the school's team got into the national championship. The day the competition began I was in class when the swimming coach comes into the room with the principal and they get me out of the class... one of the guys in the team had broken his arm and couldnt compete and i was the only one left they could toss in.

Long story short, I ended up going without having had a single day of training or even being in a pool since the tryouts and I did win 2 gold and 1 silver medal.

Dad's comment? If I exercised more i wouldve had the 3rd gold one.

So... umm.. yeah I understand where you come from on this one . To this day neither my sister nor I ever bothered to try to make him proud of anything since he just didnt seem to care. As an adult now I know he did care and my mom would tell me how proud he was of the swimming competition result... but he just could never get it out of his mouth... that he never was any good at displaying emotions even to his kids. Years later we found out he was bipolar and although he never had the rollercoaster ups and downs he did have some sort of emotional anxiety that he kept strongly under control by becoming extremely formal and patronizing.

and crap.. I have AS and im not bipolar but I do that too ><


My suggestion: Just go to him and give him a big long hug and tell him you know he's proud of you but he's too proud to say it. I guarantee you that will get a reaction out of him.

No need to apologize. I was not aware of that.

*hugs*

If only that wasn't a virtual hug. *sigh*

My hypothesis was correct. He is in fact a jerkface.

And, I'm not trying to go off topic here, but if you made all B's in your freshman year, that is really good. I barely passed with straight C's the first year, and I'm usually a straight A student. You really should be proud of yourself, and I'm not just saying that.