This was originally a short letter I wanted to let out in the havan in the sticky thread, but it got longer then expected and I decided that I wanted to talk about it with folks that know about these kinds of things intimately
Quote:
Oh how I wish I could let all my resentment out, I kept trying to hint to you - and I'm not subtle - that I needed your support, and you kept evading me, why are you surprised that I refused to speak to you? I've got all this anger towards you and no where to vent it, you refused to listen, to even try to understand what was happening with me, you blatantly derided it as nothing important, as very mild, as something you could never understand, but how can you know unless you try? I know I've certainly tried speaking to you, pointing you in the right direction, but you implicitly say you can't deal with it, but if I can - and I'm the unstable one - then surely you; with your high horses and succesful lives and you partners and apartments and jobs and cars, can make the effort.
At this point, after all the anguish you have put me through with your silence, the worst thing is knowing that you have no idea how you made me feel, and I'm at this point in my life where everything has been turned upside down, mum's only one person, and I just wanted someone to talk to and for someone to say "ok, I'll try to make an effort, I'll try see from your perspective", you have no excuse, there is no crisis in your life, and I felt my heart break when you were sitting on the sofa watching Friends with mum and you complained about how loud the shops were in town, so I said "my occupational therapist says I'm in the top 1% of people with hypersensetive hearing" and you just glance at me and look away and mutter "well that's not what i have.." and get back to what you were doing - I look at you with a blank stare and say "f**k you" if only for a reaction - nothing, you ignore it. Mum could see what I was trying to do "Sarah he's trying to talk to you about what's going with him" but you bitterly deny it "no he isn't, arn't you not Ciaran" and suddenly I'm put on the spot, know this is the last thing she wants to talk about, so I say "no, that's not it.." and shrink back into my chair, I don't speak to you for the rest of the day, when you tried to ask me something trivial I tell you "f**k off"
It's Sarah's birthday next Sunday, there all coming over to me and my mum's house
What's an autistic to do? Any advice?
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'not only has he hacked his intellect away from his feelings, but he has smashed his feelings and his capacity for judgment into smithereens'.
08 Apr 2011, 6:21 pm
