Communication Issues

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How would you explain your communication issues? I have been trying to put into words how I feel, but I'm finding it difficult. I'll try here.

I don't like talking to people. I don't know why. I like the days at work when I can just get on with what I'm doing. Days when there are no phone calls or emails and I can just work away by myself. When I know that I have to say something to someone at work I will wonder when the best time to go and say it is. I overthink it. I imagine what I am going to say and what they might say back. I put off going to talk to them. It doesn't have to be a serious issue, just something that is an everyday mundane thing. I would rather email people instead of having to talk to them. That way I can say what needs to be communicated and then they can email back. Then I can have time to think about the reply and then think of an appropriate reply. Face to face is too quick. I get muddled working out what they said and what I should say back.

Typing this is easier than it would be to explain it face to face. I can go back and re-read what I've written and the edit it so it makes more sense. I can't do that when talking to someone. They misunderstand and I get frustrated and tied up in knots trying to explain myself.

I wonder if other people just go up and talk to the other person as soon as the idea comes into their head. Just say things without thinking them through then understand the response they get and get on with the rest of the day. To me the act of having to communicate is complicated. I don't know why. It stresses me out and I don't enjoy it.

How do you find communicating with people? What are your experiences?

I find writing and email much more work than talking to someone. Both take effort, but with talking, I don't have to go over what I said, I go over the other persons reaction which is easier for me.

Part of it may be I am pretty gentle, but quite direct. For written communication that can create terrible problems. Whereas face to face, people being insulted is modified by that I wasn't yelling or red in the face when I said it.

I used to have a terrible time talking and trouble getting started, very worried and going over everything afterwards. But at that point, writing was still much more difficult and I don't think I would have been able to about emotions. For me writing is kind of like translating into a semi foreign language. I know most people here find writing easier, though.

For perspective, there is dyslexia running through my family and I was slow to learn to read, so it might not be the ASD at play with what I wrote.

I identify with exactly what you said.
before going to talk to someone I practice it lots of times in my mind. I like doing stuff by myself and prefer writing than talking. And I don't answer my phone. I have thousands of excuses for when people ask me why I didn't answer their calls. I don't like it. At all. I let my cell phone in the silent mode and later may text the person that called.
my idea of a perfect resting day is not having to talk to anyone.

I find I can't do small talk, I don't like it and when I attempt to do all the 'normal' small talk stuff it doesn't come across right. I have got into trouble at work before for not asking my manager if she had a nice weekend. I get muddled sometimes when people talk face to face with me, I never know when its my turn to talk and end up saying too much, not enough, being off topic. Usually I do go over things in my head and end up holding back, which also might create a pause and people stare at me, sometimes they get offended and think I am not listening.
Now talking to clients, that i can do, I have a set script and since I have done it long enough I can change the words to seem more natural but really I stick 100% to the script. The higher up's love it because I say all the things I am meant to say saving their behinds from any potential lawsuits against them. Clients often tell me I make them feel better because I remained calm, and usually i think, 'ah ok...I was just being myself?' I think they take my lack of emotional response as professional and calm. But that makes me seem cold hearted I'm not, I always give them time if they cry and ask them if there's anything we can do for them, even though it feels unnatural for me to say that, I do feel sympathy for them.

I can't do small talk at all I just have no idea how people do it.
Unless I know the other person is interested in what I' want to say then I just can't say anything at all and my mind wants to go blank.
I think if I had 5-10 seconds to think about what I'm going to say I could do it but when put on the spot I just sort of freeze up.


I don't really have much in common with me ex-wife any more but I always feel totally at easy around her and never scared to speak my mind, I wish I felt like that around total strangers

I can pretty much talk to my 21 year old step son like I've known him my whole life as well and he's the total opposite of me, really out going , works in a busy night club , has about a million friends isn't scared to make fun of himself even on videos he posts on his employers facebook page.
He spends most of his time poking fun at females rather than trying to be their friend and they love him for it.

I guess it's all about confidence at the end of the day, and I don't think I'll ever be socially confident

Last edited by AutisticGuy1981 on 05 Apr 2014, 7:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

I can converse, but my main problem is in not "thinking fast on my feet," quickly enough to respond and react with what I'd really like to say half the time, when in a conversation with people. I can be articulate in a conversation, but normally certain conditions have to be met for me to get that relaxed -- a quiet environment, only one person, maybe two, that I'm talking with, no interruptions or distractions. If I'm not in an ideal setting, I feel like I can't gather my thoughts in an orderly manner, and the attempt to chat or converse becomes stressful and exhausting, and I also start not to be able to respond quickly.

When that happens, there are consequences such as, for example, if someone says or asks something rude, inappropriate or unexpected, I'm taken by surprise and I can't immediately find the words I want to say until later when the moment has passed. Sometimes I wind up sharing too much when, if I'd stopped to think a moment, I could have said "That's a personal matter," or handled it better. I frequently fail to stick up for myself, hold back answering something I don't actually want to discuss, etc, because I can't think fast when the unexpected is thrown at me in a conversation. It is something I've never mastered my whole life, much to my great distress. It's something that upsets me about myself more than most things. I'm an intelligent and articulate person with a good intellect and a good vocabulary, but it's just that I seem to have a problem with "processing speed."

I relate to preferring writing a post or an e-mail, because you have time and quiet to formulate what you want to say, and even immediately correct or re-phrase something before posting or sending.


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I can communicate, but I'm also very quiet because I "don't have anything to say," and my psychologist said that this was one of a few things that convinced her that I might be on the spectrum. It isn't just that I'm nervous or that I can't decide which line to use, I genuinely find it hard to think of anything unless someone else is doing most of the talking and giving me ideas for the conversation. Part of this is the idea that some self-help websites push, which is that you want to go ahead an be different and make a conversation worthwhile and not ask the boring questions that nobody cares about, which for me is disastrous 'cause its the boring questions that get conversations started and launch into the more meaningful topics.

Email is wonderful because I can work at a message until I think I've said exactly what I want to convey. When I have to speak in person, the flow of thought just isn't there, and I end up sounding weird because my voice is odd and wants to retreat back into its shell and it ends up using clipped, childish language.

Another communication problem that I have is that I JUST DON'T MOVE. That creeps people out. I'm doing a little better (I'm still very rigid), but looking back on old family videos, I look like a manikin; I tend to move as little as possible, and then when I do, I seem robotic. I usually have to concentrate very hard if I want to appear relaxed and flexible. Its easier to use my face now, especially for smiling.

One thing that I think causes the physical rigidity is that I subconsciously don't want anyone to look at me, and so I stay reeeeeal still and focus on the object of attention. In the videos where I'm holding a pet, or my baby niece, I'm staring immovably at whoever I'm holding, and I seem to be trying to lean as far away, and interact as little, as possible so that the camera can ignore me and concentrate more completely on the real subject.

I understand that feeling of not having anything to say. I hate starting a conversation with someone because I don't know where to take it. I always begin with "hello, how are you?" but then they say fine ask me how I am and I say fine and then there is no where to go. I sometimes tell them how I am really feeling and some of my medical symptoms just to make conversation, but I think people have got it into their heads now that I am seriously ill. I'm just honest. Most people don't talk about how they really feel. I only do it because I'm stuck for conversation.

If someone gives me a topic I can be ok with that depending on what it is.

I had an argument with someone when I was a teenager. She told me I was just shy and I tried to get it over to her that I didn't talk to people because I haven't got anything to say. That's not the same as being shy. I can't force myself to go and talk to people if I can't think of anything to say. I end up just standing awkwardly next to them.

I hate dealing with clients because I am supposed to ask them quesitons about what they want and everyone is different and I have to be adaptable. I can't have a script. I would like one, but it wouldn't work for what I do. It really stresses me out.

I am also more confortable around people that talk a lot and bring the topics to the conversation. But I have a really useful book that is called "how to talk and make friends" (in portuguese this is the title). In this book they teach lots of tips and now I can carry on conversations. Some important points:
- notice something about the person that may give you a clue on what to talk about, for instance, if they are carrying a book, or wearing some band t-shirt. Then you know some topics the person might like to talk about. I am good at noticing these details and so may be other aspies, then we can use it in our favor.
- don't ask yes or no questions! If you ask for instance "do you study here?" the person says "yes, I do" and then you don't know what else to say. Instead ask open questions like "what do you think of this course?", then the person is going to talk about it and keep the conversation going.
Those things actually help me a lot.

I used to have this issue. It was really bad where I could not talk to anyone and if I had to get in front of people to talk it was the equivalent of what I imagine being shot feels like. It was that painful.

Now I am ok approaching people. I come across as a little awkward but I am able to hold long conversations and give the other person time to respond to what Im saying, etc. I can do this with just about anyone one on one.

At events, if approached the right way, I can have a highly fulfilling conversation. Though everything has to be just right for this to happen. I think having too many people around is overwhelming for me. I still constantly go to events and observe people from the corner hoping to get one conversation in before the night is over. I do enjoy conversing with people. This was not always the case.

The problem is most of my relationships most always end with the other person taking me the wrong way. I neglect to read their emotions and they consider me a cold ass hole. Its a constant cycle in just about every relationship and its the core of what makes my life so difficult. .

I talk too much all the time, or say nothing at all. Rarely is their an inbetween. I get my point across real well. I pretend to be a good listener. Especially around large groups. When someone asks me about the topic, I say "can you repeat that". When someone has something interesting to say, I can carry on a conversation. For some reason people don't call this socializing.

In a conversation with alot of people, I do not understand how these people know when it is their turn to talk, and I keep getting stuck on key words. Sometimes when they ask me to add anything, I never shut up.

I have actually had people say that I am a good listener, and they were suprised I am interested in the conversation, when I had no idea what they were talking about. Now they probably think I am like them, and I do not even know what it is.
Fun.

This sounds kind of like me. A lot of the time I am quiet because I just don't really have anything to say. I am also continually surprised by the things other people will bring up in a conversation, because it would never ever occur to me to mention those things. Sometimes a person will say something to me, and it just doesn't occur to me to say anything in response, but then I realize the other person is looking at me sort of expectantly like they want me to say something and I have no idea what it is they want. It's not shyness or anxiety or anything like that, I just don't know what in the world I am supposed to say, and the truth is most of the time I don't really want to say anything.

If the other person is really chatty and they keep the conversation going, and they talk about things I know something about, sometimes I can roll with it and become very talkative. But I can't sustain it for very long, and at some point I will just space out and become unresponsive.

And when I CAN think of things to say, I have trouble finding the right time to say it and getting my words out smoothly. It seems like a lot of people just talk over me, talk too fast or too much and I don't know how I am supposed to get a word in edgewise. It's like there is a tiny split second window of opportunity to respond and I just miss it or I can't get my words out fast enough. Sometimes I just have to interrupt people, and I don't like to do that because it's rude but I don't know how else I'm supposed to get a chance to talk.