Behaviour modification and mourning what's lost

Post Reply New Topic

Yeah... This is common. I have been in a state of exhaustion so many times. Panic attacks, depression, etc....

That said, it is still important to do the little things in life to live so we need to find some sort or reasonable balance in all of this. I think you may have executive function issues that can be helped with one or more of the many (google them) executive function tools and tricks.

Also if you know the morning routine is gonna suck, try laying out everything ahead of time in the evening if you are better in the evening. That is what I do. I am soooooo NOT an morning person so I try to do everything at night. I keep a schedule/routine during the day that gives me time to do the mundane stuff but then also gives me 2 or more hours every day to just be autistic and get "lost" (I call it "find my flow) in my obsession. I also NEVER stop stimming. I really don't care where I am. I pace or rock at work without apology.

Finally, you may try seeking some help/medication for executive functioning or anxiety. Do not allow the therapist to focus on "fixing" your AS but do see if there are comorbid conditions causing some of the problems.

Good point about the possibility of comorbid conditions causing problems. I was diagnosed with ADD as well so maybe I should look into meds for that? I find that I can't remember things to do unless I actually study my diary like a school book! I spend a lot of time filling it in and learning what's in it and that itself takes up so much time and energy. I should probably look into other short term memory issues too. I have a whiteboard in my room, my diary, notes on my phone, stickies in my room and on my computer and I still forget things frequently. If they're not to be done as soon as they come to mind (e.g. it's an appointment that has a set time in the future, or I need to go to town for something but can't for another few hours) I'll forget them.

I do have everything laid out for mornings incl. packing my bag for the day, but it still screws with my head and I'm at a loss as to how to get over that issue... Might all become clear when I look into other possible problems!

It's not an absolute either-or choice, you know. You don't have to choose between using every particle of effort you have to appear NT, or else giving it up entirely and just pursuing your goals at the expense of not connecting with the world at all.

Better is to find a balance and just pick the skills that are useful to you--the ones that let you communicate and get along in a world not really made for you. If something does nothing for you other than make you look more NT, you can drop it. But if it's useful, then keep it. Pick your battles.

Ok I've been trying since originally posting this to balance things out... I've had two sessions with my new occupational therapist and I've made unbelievable improvements in my anxiety by combining breathing exercises with deep pressure. We worked on this in the first session eight days ago, where we had the appointment in a café. We were in a noisy, slightly crowded place, and the therapist took both my hands and squeezed as hard as she could while getting me to squeeze back as hard as I could, and then she asked me about what it felt like and what was different from when we weren't doing that a few moments ago. Then she got me to do the deep breathing that I had learned from a counselor before at the same time as using all that deep pressure - and suddenly I got into this state of total focus and calm and presence. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before... Suddenly I wasn't noticing the hum of the fridge, or the noises from coffee machine, or the talking going on around us... All that mattered was me and my therapist and what we were doing at our table. And since then I've been trying to recreate this by myself and, while it's not nearly as good as when someone's squeezing back, it has acted as a tool for calming and focusing in situations that are normally very confusing and instantly overloading, e.g. socialising, shopping. I'm still not able to last long in those places without getting mentally overwhelmed, but I can last a little longer now which allows me to get some stuff done with more ease, and my anxiety is lower than it's ever been in my whole life. It feels like what I'm doing is taking advantage of my autistic traits and using them to do what I struggle to do the "normal" way. This week's session was about understanding how the deep breathing technique works and mastering it, and looking at alternative ways of dealing with morning tasks e.g. using visual cues like lists and/or pictures of everything I need to do and also looking at alternative ways of doing those things - like, instead of showering, doing a sort of sponge bath thing, which would still be effective but would be far gentler on the senses, or else turning on the shower first thing when I get up so that I can get used to the sound and some of the temperature before getting in.
I think that this therapy is going to be exactly what I need. It feels like I'm learning to function through my autism, instead of trying to function in spite of my autism. The hard part is keeping in mind that it's all going to take time and not to despair when things get hard or when I think I'm not doing well for a day or two. Last night I felt overloaded and today I felt upset and frustrated because I wanted to do certain things but I couldn't because my mind couldn't cope, and I'm working hard to just try to remember that it's going to get better over time and that no self-punishment is going to help.

You're just overanalyzing, which is very common wth Asperger's. Lots of self-doubt too, as a result.

Somebody who is Autistc or has Asperger's doesn't have to let that define. Somethng like yoga or meditaton would probably be good to gve your mnd some more "space" to deal wth things less analytically and with more freedom. Wth more sense of spaciousness, paying attention to social cues is less overwhelming. I know for me just meditatng for 10-20 minutes twce a day helps alot in preventng meltdowns.

Its possible for somebody with autism to progress and develope, even if this course wll look dfferent than a neurotypical person. And ts possible to work on eye contact etc too without going nuts. Perhaps you'll never be exactly like an NT person but you'll make a little bt extra where it counts.

Ok now I'm burnt out. Have been since Friday... Needing lots of extra sleep and not leaving the apartment because I can't bear the change in sensory input between inside and outside, even briefly... I thought I was getting somewhere, I didn't feel this exhaustion til the end of the week after getting lots done during the week, but it seems I still exhaust just as much as before... I'm still glad to have eliminated a lot of anxiety but I wish I could just get through the day without the exhaustion catching up at some point... I'm confused because I was so hopeful about therapy, though I guess it's just gonna take more time... I also still miss my own little world and no longer being able to get lost in it like I used to... I'm scared for my future and I feel dreadful when I get exhausted like this and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life...

Pursuing a diagnosis myself now at 30. I decided to initiate this testing because I think my son has it and was mis-diagnosed. It seems likely that I could have that fixed if I could demonstrate a clear genetic propensity for it.

Anyway, a side affect of admitting to myself that I have this thing is that, somehow, a lot of the adaptive behaviors that were driving me insane have... sort of stopped being a problem. I can remember what I was like as a kid and, instead of being embarrassed by it, understand it and allow myself to act that way again.

There are still times when you have to turn on the "NT" - job interviews, meetings with your boss, greeting co-workers in the morning, etc. Outside of those very set times though, I now allow myself to actually rock in my chair (instead of twitching my toes madly), fiddle with things, walk too fast in the supermarket (concentrating on that keeps me from overloading), talk to myself, give only technical/information rich responses, use my free time to sit alone in a quiet dark place/absorb myself in my interests without guilt or shame, understanding that when I avoid talking with family or co-workers it isn't because I'm a bad person...

I'm not sure if this is helpful for other people, but threads like this spike my curiosity. The autistic spectrum label seems to constrain some of us and be a source of stress and isolation, but for me it has been the ultimate liberating influence. Not as something to hide behind or fight against, but as an understanding that all of the weird behavior I tried to hide and suppress is actually normal for people like us. That I might not be alone, an isolated 'freak' (as I used to think of myself).

Anyway, the point of this is thus: would it be helpful for you to, instead of trying to fake NTism all the time, just work on being able to do it well and then only bothering with it in very set situations? The rest of the time being yourself and not worrying what people think - because you know that you were born this way and that there are other people like you out there?

@K-R-X The thought of dropping all the faking unless necessary sounds ideal... but I get feelings of guilt when I give up on special "coping" strategies and holding in things I need to do. I feel like I'm supposed to be working hard at changing and fixing my way of living, and I'm naturally a hard worker and enthusiastic about any kinds of possible improvements in myself and my life. I'm probably worrying too early about the occupational therapy and should really be honest with my therapist and say how burnt out I got after only a week and a bit and see if she knows more tips and ideas about working with my autism and not falling into a trap of fighting the unchangeable...

I think what I'm saying is I'm scared to stop trying because I'm scared of what people will think, especially when I've spent so many years pretending and hiding my differences in order to fit in etc. I fear that they'll think I'm just putting on an act since my diagnosis and turn against me.

And yet I have so many difficulties with executive functioning, just getting from start to end of each tiny daily task takes so much out of me! It feels less exhausting - even energising- for me to get lost all day in my passion for music, yet to make a one-minute phonecall, make and eat my meals, take a shower and whatever little daily chores pop up, they exhaust me so much that I spend at least an hour trying to clear my head and get back up to speed after each of them! It feels embarrassing and I'm constantly working hard to remind myself of every next thing to be done in a day... And sadly I have got to a point that I rarely even tough a musical instrument any more because I'm scared of getting lost in it! I'm actually afraid of letting myself be what I really am because I have been influence to believe it's bad not to constantly try to improve... And yet I have been trying my whole life to reach the same level as everyone else at these normal abilities...

I just feel like it's bad to need help with things, yet I feel dreadful all the time trying to be independent and it's not changing... I think I'll go with your idea and stick with absolute necessity when it comes to behaving non-autistic, and see what happens... Will be scared about it but I guess it'll be a way to find out who's really my friend...!

It happened to me too. I started adapting since I was young, autism was not a well known thing, and you just had to do what was expected of any person. I was just called a complicated and sensitive person. Now I suffer from the effects of it. Burnout about 10 years back now, and not recovered yet, because also the burnout was not recognised. Be very careful that you do not end up the same way. I have now reached my limits and am paying the price for it job wise

I think you have to get to a place where you learn to be comfortable with who you are and how you need to live in order to be ok. I do understand, for me it means a simplier life. But it also means I have the time to excel at what interests me because I only have 100% to give to it and if I cannot it will become another source of aggravation. Since most of life is a stretch to keep under control I cannot stand not having any peaceful satisfaction.

I don't do anything 'undeliberate' from cleaning, cooking, bathing, shopping, paying bills, social engagements...everything has to be monitored closely or I derail. If rushed or over scheduled everything suffers.

I am here to know myself and enjoy my life. It is up to me to provide, schedule and meet those needs. Everyone else in the world is doing the same thing. I have to go slower, do it simplier and I can be capable of the greatest of things in all areas.

Stop, evaluate and learn what you need to be ok, not what is ok by the world's standards but by your standards.

@alone You're probably right, I keep trying to improve... i feel so desperate to live independently but I'm not coping, probably underestimating my sensitivities just because I've got so good at faking! I'm gettin close to meltdown right now for the umpteenth time this week. It's like I'm overloaded every single day!! And at the moment i only have a weekend job, rest of my money comes from welfare which is only going to be temporary, so all i have to do is that small job and my chores and shopping etc. and I can't even manage that! I'm doing something very very wrong...