BassMan_720 wrote:
Hi ericatris
I am so sorry for how you must be feeling right now.
I would suggest that you change your therapist. My wife has finally decided to divorce me after 27 years. I found out about Asperger's less than three years ago. I am 54.
WHen I found out that I was likely Asperger's, I worked very hard to find ways to find work-arounds to my limitations. I know I was the one with the problem. I was willing to do what was necessary but I was working alone and spent much energy addressing the wrong things. It was not only my wife that was lonely, I was terribly lonely too.
Your husband will never understand what it is that makes you feel so lonely. I am assuming that he loves you and that he is very frustrated that he does not understand what is missing from your relationship. It doesn't mater how much effort he is willing to put into making things a success, because he needs help just like a blind person would to find his way around a strange place. He will need you to be understanding of his limitations, which might take some time, and he will need you to guide him to put the effort where you need him to. He will also need encouragement when he get things right.
To me, negative responses do not work well. I am not good enough to distinguish the subtle rules to identify what I the negative response was for and I compensate by shutting down all possible offending activity. This can mean suppressing positive actions too.
If you want this to succeed, you will both have to put in effort and both will need to be understanding and patient with each other.
I wish you both success.
Your post is somewhat chilling to me. I am a few years younger and have been with my wife a few years longer. But I know she has considered divorce when I was utterly, utterly clueless.
I have been the one who kept us together, by being extremely willing to change and prioritizing the relationship over every other thing in my life. The most difficult parts have been when she has been withdrawn and non-communicative and I have had to beg and insist that we talk things through. This usually results in epic talks, often lasting until sunrise followed by closeness that is sustaining. Sometimes these talks are followed by big changes: jobs, living situations, schools, ways of living.
But it's a thing that needs constant monitoring and maintenance, this connection that makes the marriage work.
I don't know anything else. We met in high school and have been together since I was barely an adult. When I read your story, and consider that this could be my future, I am chilled to the core. It sounds like you are doing well and I salute you for that.
I guess the woman who started this thread is no longer coming here. It sounds like there are no answers for that situation. I hope they are all OK. It sounds like the family has financial resources and that's a good thing. I would suggest that mom hire some people to do the necessary care and then take a month away, go on holiday to somewhere peaceful, alone, and figure out where her priorities are--then maybe go back and keep delegating a ton of the maintenance tasks (keeping meds scheduled etc.) to human or software assistants. Everyone should live for themselves and love themselves first--it's the only way to solidly be there and love others.
Wishing the best for all.
08 Nov 2013, 8:02 am
