Could I be an aspie?

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Hello everyone I am new here. I have been seeing a psychologist who insists that I am not autistic, but I have yet to get tested for Asperger's. After heavily researching about what Asperger's syndrome is and all the symptoms, I am convinced that I have it. First off, my life has never been normal. I have always been a very sensitive, extremely shy, angry, anti-social person since I was a young boy. I have always had extreme difficulty making friends and there were always only a few people that feel alright socializing with me and I noticed that it is because they are the same and we can relate. I have always felt very uncomfortable trying to talk to people in general and especially with girls. I noticed that when I was in elementary school a few really cute girls in school liked me, but they quickly put me in the friend zone as soon as they realized there was something different about me. Most of the time women will just ignore me as soon as they make eye contact with me just one time...as if they sense some sort of pain, depression, strangeness, anger, etc. and they don't want to choose me as their potential guy because of these reasons. Usually conversations between me and strangers never even take place because people ignore me where ever I go. I know that I have a serious problem because I am not a bad looking guy. In fact, people have told me that I am really handsome and that I should try modeling, but my extreme shyness would not mesh well with this sort of lifestyle. I have a difficult time keeping eye contact with people most of the time and when I do, it is really awkward and people react as though they just looked at something weird and they quickly overt their eyes. I am tired of having to force people to talk to me because it sure seems that way. If I don't say hello, nobody says anything to me and frankly I am sick of this. What is so wrong with me? I am not a bad person. I am not out mass murdering people or kicking babies out of windows. I am 28 years old and after living this way my whole life, I have become extremely cynical and bitter at the world. I know that it isn't really the world's fault, but I have no other outlet for my anger and it is as if I feel justified lashing out at the world for my pain from years in isolation. I sometimes try to reach out to people and I have recently started attending this Christian church even though I am not even Christian just because the people are so accepting and friendly and I would most likely be able to deal with them without getting into and argument and/or fight and having a public meltdown. I used to have meltdowns back when I was in elementary school when I would be bullied and sometimes I would snap and fight back and other times my emotions were so strong I would cry and scream and my face would just burn up red. It is as if I am still a boy living in a man's body. I get so depressed, anxious and hopeless all at the same time. It is like these emotions just ball up inside me and the stress sometimes has physical symptoms, which really make my life even more difficult to tolerate. I really want to change. I enjoy my alone time and I enjoy being able to do things like my music and art projects, but sometimes the loneliness just tears me apart inside and some days I wake up and just don't even want to get out of bed. As far as the "career" side of my life...I feel that I can never stick with anything and that shows because I often change jobs frequently due to getting into arguments, cussing out customers, throwing stuff at customers and cussing them out, quitting, etc. I have too much trouble tolerating the general public and it has kept me from really getting ahead in life in regards to careers and making money. The only thing I haven't given up on in my life(excluding living itself) has been music only because many people I know claim I am a musical genius. This is not bragging. I am not calling myself this. This is just what other people say when they hear my music. Anyway, it is one reason why I have not quit this as I have everything else in my pathetic life. I really hope this supposed "talent" takes me somewhere, but I have my doubts. I have this constant fear that regardless of how good my music is, people will just ignore me completely because I am this anti-social Aspie that nobody wants anything to do with and it is just heartbreaking to see others have a happy life and be loved and I try so hard and still nothing ever seems to change. I don't want to commit suicide or get back on hard drugs, but sometimes I feel like there is nothing really for me in this world and I just feel disappointed. I recently changed my major so now I have to get a new BA degree, which means I have to return to college with a bunch of people YAY!(sarcasm). I don't really get bullied anymore since I carry myself with a little more confidence than I did when I was younger. I still do harbor anger dating back to when I was a young boy and I am worried that I might actually lash out physically(possibly with a weapon) at the next person who tries to bother me. I don't want to do this of course, but I just know that if I do absolutely nothing and walk away...it will leave me feeling like an even bigger coward for years to come and I although I don't want to get into trouble with the law...I don't want to live in fear and be seen as a coward to the world. I also have a routine where I call up the few friends that I have(also anti-social people) and hangout with them and when they are busy, I just stay at home all the time and play video games, read books, play guitar and eat and I do all these activities in kind of an endless cycle. I also have this really weird obsession with world maps and globes. I can just stare at them and think about traveling for a good 15 minutes at a time. I am completely obsessed with music and I listen to it all the time and I don't just listen to it. It is like I play these little fantasies in my mind while I listen to the music I like and I noticed they are the same kind of thoughts. I could go on forever about all the symptoms I have but I think that is enough for my first post. Can anyone on here please give me some advice and help me out? I am here to make decent friends because in today's world...they are hard to come by. Does it sound like I am an Aspie?

Everything you explained is what I went through too as a child, I was the 'weirdo' and 'freak', I was the difficult child with meltdowns and sensory issues.

As for being put in the friend zone, I'm going through that phase now, it's difficult AND frusterating.

If you believe that you DO have Asperger's, no doubt you have it.

It's very difficult for many people with Asperger's to get a diagnosis, especially for adults.

Maybe there is some way you can find a person that specializes in ASDs.

I haven't been diagnosed just yet and I cringe at being told I'm wrong I guess I'm a stuck up ass that way..

I do think you have Asperger's

Hi Alienboy

From what you've written (and you are very good at writing out your thoughts), I would say it's possible. But, what struck me about your post was your obvious anxiety, which I expect is due to how your life has been affected by it. You also seem angry with yourself, for not dealing with bullies and suchlike, effectively. But, if you're anything like me, just letting out your feelings may not be the answer either. Your emotions are obviously very strong and you may attempt assertiveness, but it could turn into aggression (or perceived as this). Have you tried writing your feelings down about incidents that have affected you? I did this last year about things that had been bothering me for over 20 years and it helped. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I think I would be in a very similar situation if I didn't have a few trusted people to speak to. Do you have anyone at all that you can speak with about this? Please speak with your psychologist or doc more. Although you've written your thoughts very eloquently here, I suspect you're not so confident with your verbal communication. Why not write or type out what you want to say and take it with you on your next visit.

Good luck

Yeah I am worried that my psychologist(who I will start seeing soon) is going to need a lot of time to decide whether or not she thinks I have Asperger's syndrome and if she says that I don't that is really going to suck because she works at the only free psych clinic in the entire area that I know of and I currently don't have any money or a job. Her saying I'm not is going to really make my life difficult because I will definitely need to keep seeing many different psychologists until I meet one that agrees that I do have it. I don't understand why these psychologists have the nerve to say nope you are fine...when clearly nothing is fine? It must be their pride because as soon as you claim that you know you have it, they don't even care to check if you are right...it is as if they want to prove you wrong, which assures them that they are the doctor in control and that they know more than you. It is this kind of attitude in psychologists that I can't stand and I am reluctant to going into see them often because sometimes it seems hopeless. I will set up an appointment later this week and I will probably be posting threads after each visit just to help out other Aspies on here so that they can possibly avoid whatever happens(or doesn't) to me. Mummy_of_Peanut...I love your Avatar because The IT Crowd is one of my favorite shows. I have written out my feelings before, poems, song lyrics, etc. and yes they help a little, but overall the emotions are never completely in check. About my verbal communication...what I used to do last time I would visit my psychologist I would write out everything that is bothering me and all the reasons why I think that I am an Aspie and print the paper out and read it a loud to her during our scheduled appointments...which helped get my point across a lot better! I will continue doing this and I highly recommend other Aspies do this as well. I am wondering...what are some symptoms of Asperger's do you both share with me and others that you have that I may not have(or forgot to list)?

Hi Alienboy

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. That's more than can be said for me. I don't have a diagnosis of any sort and I'm not seeking one. I've never discussed my problems with any medical professionals. I've just floated through life, aware of my differences, extreme shyness (which I've just about conquered), being a target for bullies, difficulties with seemingly simple tasks, e.g. answering a phone, approaching a boss, keeping friends, reading a book (although I can read very well). The worst thing was appearing to invoke hatred in others, although I didn't think I'd done anything to cause it (this was bullying with angry undertones which I still don't understand). In fact, I'm very caring and wouldn't knowingly do a thing to hurt anyone. But, I sailed through school and uni (despite being unable to concentrate) and did what I was told, so no-one bothered to question anything.

It was only when we were starting to investigate the cause of my daughter's unusual behaviour and Aspergers was mentioned, that it actually dawned on me that this is what the problem had been for me all along too. Like you, it all makes sense. The closest I've come to telling anyone was when my daughter's speech and language therapist asked about family history of people with social problems. I told him that I don't keep friends. I tend to have friends for a while, but when I move on, i.e. from school to uni to work to full-time mum, I don't keep them. I've only known my best friend for 3 years (she's the first person I've felt I really want to hold on to). I didn't want to say too much as I didn't want him to think I was diagnosing myself (which I obviously am doing).

One difference I see between you and I is that I'm probably more of an extrovert than in introvert, even though I've struggled with shyness since I was 7yrs. I will speak to relative strangers. Some have shook my hand and thanked me for the company, but I'm not sure they'd want me as a long term friend. One that saw me as a great friend almost immediately was the very one to avoid at all costs (but that's the topic of a very different discussion). My shyness becomes apparent when I'm in a group of more than 3 people or I'm speaking with a boss. Also, I make eye contact, but I'm constantly aware of trying to do the right thing. I'm sometimes aware of my eyes rolling when I'm talking and a little nervous, which must look a bit 'shifty'.

Your church sounds lovely. My best friend is a member of a church like that and I was tempted to join for a similar reason to you, although I'm a lapsed Catholic and probably more of an agnostic these days.

I really hope your music works out for you. I'm in a similar position with painting. I've been told by friends and family that they're great, but I've never exhibited or sold any. But, I'm entering an exhibition/competition next month to kick start my ambitions.

Cheerio for now.

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

this is the best test i know of. enjoy.