Knowing the reason for distress, but still feeling it anyway

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Since I was diagnosed about a year ago, I better understand the things that I find difficult to deal with or that upset me. But this insight doesn't actually bring any relief from those feelings.

For example I am very distressed right now because my routine has been disrupted, I can see clearly that that is the cause, but that doesn't make me feel any less distressed than before I was diagnosed when I couldn't identify the triggers.

I'm trying to make sense of this, and what it realistically means for the rest of my life - That no amount of "understanding" myself can change the way that I am built.

Is this the reason that talking therapies do not really work for people with autism? I see a clinical psychologist regularly (and have seen other mental health workers through most of my adult life), and although I like that I have someone to talk to about my challenges, nothing really ever becomes any easier.

Knowing doesn't help diminish these things, but I think it does help in more indirect ways.

A lot of my problems I didn't understand caused me a lot of anxiety. Since learning, I no longer have as much anxiety about those things, but they're still problems.

I still hate feeling like things are chaotic or out of control and have my entire life tried to arrange things so that doesn't happen, but it doesn't stop other people from overturning that sense of order whenever they feel like it.

It's important to me to understand why I get stressed out but knowing still makes me feel them. And even though I know a crowded street or flashing lights could give me sensory overload it will still happen. If you think of your stress as physical and your ability to control them as mental it might help you understand why they can't be controlled. It's like they are both separate things. By the the I don't mean this literally. don't know nearly enough about it to say it is. But I know the lack of emotional control is primal and people usually can control their emotions by the higher thinking area which is kinda dysfunctional in our brains (to varying degrees depending on the individual and depending on whether they have or have not developed ways to help control these stessors).

You have to put every thing in it's proper place according to how you view it. There is little room for deviation: insistence on sameness. You're emotional BUT it's an emotion based on direct experience instead of indirect causation. I wouldn't say you were necessarily logical in your presentation, at-least NOT totally, BUT Literal. And, like me, it's hard for you to walk away from a discussion without having 'felt' (emotion) THAT you have proven your point.

*based on previous discussions

TheSunAlsoRises

Talking about your problems is the easy part. The hard part is making changes to your life that will help fix those problems--while it make take years, it may well be worthwhile to look into a different job that better suits the way your brain is wired, rather than adapting your brain for the job you have now.

Easier fixes are things like going shopping at off hours to reduce the stress and hassle. Don't try to do stuff online in the evening when the site is likely to be overloaded--wait until morning and then you can do it easily. This post was done early in the morning, when this site isn't so busy.

When I was first diagnosed I was told the 5 different stages I should go through in order to be less distressed and also less depressed about having AS. The stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked for me because I have all the 5 stages all at once and I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I'm still a teeny bit in denial (not as much as I used to be), I'm angry about myself and the whole idea of me having a disability, I'm forever crying out for any help, I'm anxious and depressed about how other people see me and the unwanted vibes I give off, and I've half-accepted it because I open up to people like my family about things what worry me and how I feel, but I haven't 100 percent accepted it because I'm not happy with it.

So.....however much I know the truth about how distressed I am, it still doesn't seem to change the way I am and the way I feel about things.

The five stages are not, I don't think, necessarily validated. They make an interesting theory but they don't work that way for everyone.

The problem I have with the "stages of grief" theory is that grief doesn't go in stages, it's cyclical and cycles can occur simultaneously and repeatedly. But, anyway.

Therapy will not "cure" any manifestation of autism. That is just part of the neurology. Having a diagnosis will do nothing to make any of it magically go away. Therapy can help you to realize that your difficulties are not a moral deficit. You aren't bad, or crazy, or stupid, or any number of other hurtful things you've been told about your unique neurological differences. You can be kinder to yourself and take your sensory and other needs into account. Therapy can help you realize that it's ok to do that.

I just need to see myself in a different light, but I can't just change tomorrow - it requires help, and I am (finally) getting help. After a few sessions of counselling they are going to refer me to CBT, which I'm willing to try and see how it goes. It might work, it might not, but there is nothing wrong with trying things out.

The trouble is, I take things too personally. I blame myself when things go wrong in my life. When somebody bullies me or falls out with me I just blame myself because I am The Aspie and I've learnt that The Aspie always get suspected of blowing it because of something I done. Then it makes me think I'm a bad person, which causes low self-esteem. Then it's made me not trust people, and I find it very sad because I'm 21 years old and I've already reached the stage where I've lost trust in people.

I'm also convinced that I have an aura. I never used to believe it, but now I do. It's invisible, yet it attracts the human eye, so even when I'm sitting on the bus and go past people in the street something makes them turn round and stare at me through the bus window as though they hate me. So I even believe I'm doing something wrong even when I'm just innocently sitting on a bus, minding my own business. The aura must be perhaps bright orange, causing me to glow and just cause people to stare as though it's vital. Or it might be florescent green. This also distresses me because I don't want to be noticed when I'm not trying to do anything to be noticed. It wrecks my self-esteem badly because I know I'm nothing special to look at, so the looks I get can't be good.

Also, I find myself being silent in group conversations because I am never going to join in again, since every time I do it it's always the ''wrong time''. I find a gap (and I'm not an interrupter anyway, I've always been good with waiting my turn), but I still get funny looks as though they're saying ''butt out!!'', or no eye contact at all as though I was not meant to speak - and I see people talking over eachother in conversations all the time and it seems OK if they do it, but I can't otherwise I get funny looks or no eye contact.

One day I'm going to yell out, ''why can't I do anything without people acting so smarmy?! !!''

I'm glad you'll be getting help, Joe90. Therapy can help you feel better about yourself. I think you might find that once you feel better about yourself you might not take things quite so personally. I did a version of CBT on my own when I was young and it has helped considerably. It would have been nice to have therapy, but it wasn't possible at the time. CBT is a good reality check.