Empathy vs. being too helpful

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As an Aspie guy I have had to learn the hard way that being overly helpful is not always a good thing and is not always a substitute for fully empathetic-based actions.

During my life, both in terms of friendship, workplace, social clubs or settings, etc, I have exhibited a tendency to be overly helpful, but not taking into account the overall situational context when doing so (typical ASD trait) and at times it backfired. People would accuse me of lacking common sense and good judgement, "betraying" others, etc, etc...when it was "obvious" that helping someone in X manner wasn't proper for that point in time. Essentially, and ironically, showing a lack of empathy, when carrying out my well-intended actions. (so, cynically, "no good deed goes unpunished???" maybe no unsolicited good deed, yes.)

I have come to believe, and other Aspies can agree or disagree, that the tendency to be overly helpful is not an Asperger trait per se, but is rather a well-reasoned response to years of being misunderstood, slandered as being selfish, not being attentive to the needs of others, etc, etc...so you could say that this tendency is an overcompensating mechanism. Sure, it might diminish the perception people have of me/you being selfish, but we are still perceived as weird, or in layperson's terms "he's got some sort of problem." Then it can become a vicious circle if we try to respond with more helpful gestures.

In the literature out there, I have read that this pattern is fairly common among Aspies, especially in the workplace which has unfortunately led to them being reprimanded. Including myself. No doubt b/c of not comprehending workplace politics.

To cope with this, I took to asking people "would you prefer if I did such-and-such action?" Which tends to show empathy, as well as avoiding bad judgement. However, the downside is that this can leave you vulnerable to manipulation, as the person could say "yes" and for whatever situational context prevailed at the time, it could appear as though you "betrayed" others who didn't want you meddling or sticking your nose where it didn't belong. (let's leave out the Italian-American stereotypes on that one...)

Also I discovered through trial-and-error that in the NT dating world, being too helpful, especially in an unsolicited way, is construed as a sign of desperation (more so for men than women). And no, I don't believe in being a doormat, just a decent person to bust those myths, but sometimes I guess (at least for me) that is a fine line to observe.

I have been burned too by being eager to be helpful and eager to please and doing things for people and showing someone I care by doing nice things for them and being used as a doormat and those deeds being dismissed as a "well I didn't ask you to do that for me" and they don't see it -of course this was directed towards another aspie I was trying to show affection for and they couldn't see it.

Since I prefer to be helped in practical ways instead of being subjected to the standard expressions of empathy, I do the same outwards, towards others. However, most others prefer to be helped according to the standard expressions of empathy, whatever they are.

I treat others how I'd like to be treated. There were times I wish I had help and had none. There were times I did have help and was very grateful someone pulled me out of a bad spot. Help=Good

There are people however that are users. Through being helpful, have met those types of people as well. Instead of declaring not to help others ever again, decided to examine their personality and warning signs so that I could get away from that person in a swift manner.

This is very wise. It's a skill that i haven't quite achieved yet, i seem to see everybody as genuine

I've gotten better at it by learning "the hard way". But to the original topic/thread, I have found, as others have, that people who initially come across as being too helpful are concealing something more insidious, and they usually turn out to be liars, users, manipulators etc, once they've reeled their target in. I suppose, looking at it objectively, that I had ulterior motives in helping others in that I wanted them to accept me despite my quirks, so that probably made them suspicious on some level. Basically, what I didn't realize was that being too helpful was considered a quirk unto itself - a lesson learned in time.

Thank you for opening this topic. I can find myself in this one... I was, and still am, very polite in everyday situations and I tried to be helpful. I thought that was an empathy for sure. However, it is more likely that it all just a coping mechanism, something I built to avoid rejection.

In the end, it's not lack of emotions, feelings, being rude and so on, that is the main characteristic. It is the inability to give a proper social response in a specific social context and situation.