Dating a NT

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I have Aspergers and I have been in a serious relationship with a NT for 6 years now. When we first started dating I left for school so it became a long distant relationship and it was great. we saw each other only every other weekend and just mainly talked on the phone. 4 years ago we decided to move in together.....Heres the problem, I never told him I was an Aspie and once he got to KNOW me the relationship has gotten extremely stressful for me and I find him getting really frustrated with me ALL THE TIME. I love him but living with such and outgoing NT with an A type personality is super nerve racking.

I know its not his fault for not being accommodating of my ''special'' situation but after 4 years and a 1 year old daughter, I don't know what to do!

Can anyone help??

I think all people have problems in their relationships, and I feel that no matter who we're in a relationship with, AS or NT, it's going to be exceptionally difficult.

My NT boyfriend of 4 years is wonderful in many ways, and difficult in many ways. However, if not for him, I would likely have no friends and would be a hermit. He also helps me with situations that I might often find difficult. On the other hand, I help keep him organized and give him very logical advice when he's having a difficulty of his own. I think we create a nice balance.

However, yes, we have difficulties and bad fights sometimes, and it's almost always because of stuff surrounding my way of thinking and my perspective on things. We frequently misunderstand each others' intents, because he reads my behavior like an NT, and I read his like someone with AS. I'm a 'truth seeker' and logical thinker who always uses facts to support my arguments, and he misreads this as a need for me to always be right and and believes that I'm 'keeping score' in our relationship. He thinks I sometimes play 'games' with him. None of this is true, but I can see where I might be misunderstood that way.

I have trouble with him making generalizations and not saying exactly what he means, which makes it difficult for me to understand him. He also tends to change plans, which is something he handles quite easily, and which I do not. Recently, we've had issues because I feel like I push my comfort zone a lot to spend time with him and he doesn't seem as willing to do so (we both live at home, and he has a twin bed. When I spend the night at his house, we both get restless sleep, because the bed is so small. His issue is that I move around a lot, and my issue is that he snores and his body heat overwhelms me). I still often want to stay the night with him, despite my discomfort, but he often doesn't want me to stay because he wants a good night's sleep (when we dog sit or stay somewhere with a larger bed, these things aren't issues). He says we'll live together soon, so I can be patient to stay with him, and I say he can be patient to not always have a comfortable night's sleep. I read this as him not loving me as much as I love him, and it creates major issues.

Despite these challenges, I would never give up my relationship with my NT boyfriend. We constantly communicate (even if it takes me a day to reflect before I
Can explain myself) and we both make reasonable compromises. I think I'd probably have more trouble with an AS boyfriend, because I wouldn't have much patience for someone just like me! There may be fewer fights, but I couldn't handle having to listen to someone else info dumping about their special interest, when I just want to talk about mine and need someone who can listen.

What are the primary issues in your relationship? Have you tried making reasonable compromises? There will ALWAYS be problems, but you have to decide how much is too much and if the good outweighs the bad.

Yow. Life is rough when you're a single parent. My daughter's mother left me when my daughter turned 4, so it was just her and I for a while. I would vote what's not there - which is "It depends."

The year after my daughter graduated from high school and went on to Texas A & M (she's an astro-physical engineer for NASA now), I met my current wife and life is great. But, there are a few things we do to keep it that way.

1) I wasn't diagnosed until after my wife and I tied the knot. So we were both at an disadvantage. You have an advantage in that you already know. Knowledge is power. Consider using it by telling your mate. That way the both of you can sit and plan a strategy on building your relationship that works for you. I recommend Solutions for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome by Juanita P. Lovett, Ph.D and Loving Mr. Spock by Barbara Jacobs. There are two outstanding works that have helped us make a great relationship even better. Also try Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Whether your Aspie or NT, men and women do communicate differently. Women are relational - and thus they tend to reach out more, are more outgoing, and are more focused on building relationships. Men are problem solvers and that is what we focus on. We are concerned with "fixing" things. That is a big deal because we Aspies are simply hard wired differently and can't be fixed. Aspies and NT's need to learn to accomodate each other because. like it or not, relationships are a two way street.

2) Communication and honesty are musts. That means you both need to be open with each other. Some people disagree with this but I do believe that our pasts do affect our present. Thus - no secrets. Both of you need to "come clean" so that you can help each other carry the baggage instead of each his or her own. It becomes a team effort.

3) Don't be affraid to seek help. I'm not ashamed to say that I've been for a while now, and will for some time as I'm only recently diagnosed.

4) Don't lose your determination. Stick it out. Us against the world means exactly that. Remember that you're a team, not just a couple.

5) Chose a date night. I love date night. I live for it. The two of you need time together.

Hope this helps!

Longshanks

wowww. I've never met you and those are EXACTLY the problems we are having. The only difference is he doesnt know I have AS so he ontop of those problems, he can't understand why someone would be so honest so he doesnt trust me. What u said has really made me think.

Im starting to feel drained bc I can't be myself and he's so closed minded so he ridicules all of my special interests. I was going to end it, but I am afraid of leaving him because I feel like hes the only thing that makes me normal and I do not do well alone. We're both trying so hard but unless he has an understanding of me I don't see how this can work in the long run. There will always be a communication issue

I've seen successful Autistic/NT relationships.

I've seen successful Autistic/Autistic relationships.

I've seen failure Autistic/NT relationships.

I've seen failure Autistic/Autistic relationships.

(and of course there are successful and failure NT/NT relationships)

Simply whether the people are autistic or NT isn't all it comes down to. Relationships take effort.

Any particular reason why you date someone for 6 years, have a child with them and never bother mentioning the AS?

It shouldn't matter.

My preference, though, is to at least date eccentric NT's.

Eccentricity characteristics from wikipedia:

* Nonconforming attitude
* Idealistic
* Intense curiosity
* Happy obsession with a hobby or hobbies
* Knew very early in his or her childhood they were different from others
* Highly intelligent
* Opinionated and outspoken
* Unusual living or eating habits
* Not interested in the opinions or company of others
* Mischievous sense of humor

Sounds familiar?

Last edited by Keyman on 27 Feb 2012, 10:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Oops! I'm just eccentric! Yea! Oh, wait. Guess that means I have to give up my membership here ...

Good question!

Was gonna say that kiddo sould tell him that.

Not only is it a fundamental fact about yourself, it cant hurt.
If he is already befuddled by your "special interests" and whatever else he finds odd about you it wont get worse if he knows the reason for it. It might improve his opinion of you.

Very naive!

I have been married to a NT for almost 8 years. I think he has more of a B type personality, and like I always say he is so laid back he is sleeping lol. I swear sometimes he has AS as well, he has some weird quirks that are typical AS, but I digress. I think because he is so laid back and is so patient he is able to live with my weird quirks, traits and attitudes, etc. For the most part we get along very well. Lucky I have him!! !

I have an NT girlfriend. I brought up the aspie thing by saying I took this test, and it said I have certain tendencies to relate to people and communicate the way a person with Asperger's relates to the world, but in other ways, I behave the way normal people do (my score was AS=128), and it's not black and white, which is the truth. I don't know if I have Asperger's, or don't have it, and I don't care. I know I communicate differently, and your boyfriend knows you communicate differently. You telling him you have Asperger's doesn't change your relationship.

In many ways we balance each other, I don't feel super close to her, because that is my nature, but I am closer to her than I am to anyone else. We have been together going on 5 years because she tolerates my oddities, and I tolerate hers. There are certain lines I cannot have violated, and I tell her when she does. Several times I have told her what I need in a relationship. She actually has changed her behavior to accommodate my needs. In return, I have learned to do the same for her.

As an example, I had to go to work yesterday. We were driving home, I decided that the only way I could eat before work, was if we came home, she cooked the food, and I went up and showered while she cooked, then I came down and ate, then left. I explained this all to her, and she thought I was rude, and treating her as if she were my personal maid. Stress for both, because I did want to eat, I explained everything, and I obviously don't see her as my maid, I just wanted food, and my plan was logical. She then said, what you should have said is, "hey baby, when we get home, would you cook me some food. I have to go to work soon, and your the best cook in the world. If you do this for me while I shower, I'll be forever grateful." So, I said those exact words, she smiled, and said, "of course I will." Then a few minutes later, I said, you normal people have a strange way of communicating. She then looked surprised, and said, "you didn't mean what you said," (she is not the best cook in the world, though quite good, and I wouldn't be forever grateful, but I do appreciate the food, so I thought it was odd to make up these lies that are extravagant, just to ask a simple question). The old me would have explained this, the new me took the hint, smiled, and lied through my teeth by saying, "of coarse, I meant every word." In the end, I got food, she got verbal love. It worked.

Relationships are a compromise, and if we both didn't get something out of it, it would be over. You have to look at your relationship, and decide what you need, and what you can give. You also have to look at your child, and decide how your partner will influence your child. There are three in your relationship, your boyfriend will probably always be in the picture on some level.

My NT girlfriend is eccentric, quite. I've told her I am autistic and she is very understanding about most of my main hangups. She is not ASD, I have considered the notion, but no, she is just an eccentric NT. We work very well together. The relationship is young, only 7 months now, but we get along famously. I can foresee some issues in the future, but see signs that she is very open to communication, even my direct version of communication, and is determined to make our relationship work. I too am open to communication, and try to "get" the less direct style she employs occasionally, and am equally dedicated. I am optimistic.

I think an aspie dating an NT is perfectly fine. I just think aspies should steer clear of certain types, those that feed off control and manipulation etc. They are at risk of being emotionally abused in those sorts of pairings. (I learned this the very hard way)

I wouldn't care either way about whether I would date an Aspie or an NT. IT all depends on the person's interests and personality. If I ever meet someone who I have a lot in common with, I will like them for those reasons instead of if they were AS or NT. Chances are I wouldn' even be able to tell if I was dating an aspie unless he told me. I would never reject a person just because they were AS or NT.

Well everyone I dated (except one) was NT. And they're vastly different from each other. If the NT person has a lot in common with you, like common interests, hobbies, food preferences, religion and political views, then your odds are pretty good. If you have nothing in common then it'll be very hard. I can't speak for NT people but aspies usually don't try too hard at making their relationship work. They don't feel the reward (relationship) is really worth the hard work.

So, sure you can date NT people, or marry them. If they're fairly compatible with you. If they're very very different then it's just too much work. Unless I have other strong motivations (say he's a billionaire) I would not bother.

I understand that after being with him for so long and have a kid, it's very hard to leave. I don't know how compatible you guys are of course. You can try to work it out, but do keep your options open in case it doesn't. Start saving some money in your own separate account and get your support network ready. Living with someone very different from you is hard, and it's not like he's the only guy in the world. Why deny yourself (and him) the chance of a happier relationship?