Am I on the spectrum? Should I try to know?

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Hi everyone,

I am looking for some advice as I am getting more and more confused and feel I may need to go through formal diagnosis to get formal closure, though I am afraid of the consequences on my psyche if I do get positive diagnosis.

The context is that my 2 year old son has just been diagnosed with ASD. And the more I look at him, the more I realise many things I have done "differently" in my life. Adding to that a likely genetic link, I am tarting to wonder whether I am myself a mild ASD/Asperger.
I have a relatively successful life, married, 2 kids, but it is getting harder and harder in my jobs to interact with people. And I almost feel like I'd like to shift the blame on my nature rather than do more effort to manage other's expectations. I think it would help me to understand why I am the way I am, but afraid it will then give me a massive excuse to procrastinate and do less efforts towards others...

I've started compiling a list of facts and behaviours, which I'll share with you below. And I'll be looking for your opinion on the following 2:
- do you feel I am likely positive?
- should I try to know for sure or ignore it as I am quite functional and I shouldn't risk my current equilibrium?

Here is the un-ordered list of facts:

One of my 2 sons is ASD
One of my cousins is Asperger.
My IQ used to be 135+
Learned to read at 2.5 year old
Around 10, sometimes banged my head to the wall in the classroom (in front of the whole class) when I didn't get the best grade
Used to draw Tie Fighters and tanks rather than rainbows
At 10, produced and acted in a school play I organised from scratch (asked for headmistress's authorisation to use a classroom during breaks). I chose play, roles, and managed it all. I expected others to obey me as I was the best.
My drawing is still at the level of a 5 year old.
Was loved by teachers, except when I became arrogant: stopped doing my homework as I was the best and didn’t' need them. When threatened of sanctions or expulsion, I used to call the bluff by saying the school would never expel their brightest student
Still chocked them with my knowledge of historical wars and the death tolls involved, talking casually of Timurid massacres and how they made pyramids of craniums in conquered cities..
I am usually 97+ percentile in all tests taken (GMAT, GRE, TOEFL, etc....)
Had the highest ever score in my company's assessment test for analytical and verbal aptitudes
Was #1 at admission test for engineering school
Failed a year at engineering
Was #1 at admission test for Business school
Was an average student at best
Got tons of promotion at work, employee of the year, etc...
Was made redundant a few times (usually for not developing enough my network)
Socially, when I was young I simply didn't register others. Then I noticed I was a bit of a pariah nearing the Omega status. Then I understood some of the sad rules of the game (things like verbally bullying the omega of the class) and my status went to Beta level. Was quite successful with ladies by playing a dark melancholic character.
As a kid never did direct cruelty on animals, but scientific experimentations which people felt was cruel: like observing how a black ant mound reacts when I introduce a red ant intruder
Never understood why people frowned on thing like cloning. I find it would be great to clone 10000 people and put them in different environments to precisely assess impact of environment versus innate skills.


Don't see faces, I see functions (Doctor, Waiter, Colleague, Neighbour, ...). They become people only when they become part of my “circle”
If people are not part of my “circle” and do not have a function of interest at that point in time, my brain does not register their presence /existence and I can walk next to them without noticing them.
I learned how to keep eye contact, but I then loose track of what people are saying. I cannot efficiently look and listen.
I always felt that feelings hold humans back, that we need to become perfect machines.. only realised what it meant when I had my autistic son
I have very few friends, and half of them are related to common hobbies
I can deal with randomness, only if it's planned. If we say let's go to the beach and back, I'll get very irritated if someone then suggest that we go to the supermarket or cinema on the way back: it was not in the plan. However if the plan was “today we'll go on a random road trip”, I'll gladly go on unknown paths, go random places and enjoy my time. I just need to know the program!
Once I made cookies for office colleagues. Saw one of them talking to 2 others. Offered cookies only to the one I knew. Everyone was shocked at how rude I was. In my mind, I made those cookies for a specific set of people, and giving to others would mean there is a chance that not all my intended recipients will be able to taste them.
I am very helpful, however I want people to ask for help in order to give it. I cannot accept subtle cues. If people need something, ask for it. I have troubles in environment where I am supposed to guess pro actively what people want.
Can appear very direct and insensitive. I have to force myself not to say to a colleague things like “we are all replaceable numbers” even though it is true!
Love MMORPGs. If I had the money, I'd go back to to playing 40 hours a week. But I also like more open and random activities like travelling. Would like to go backpacking for 6 months.
Before starting a new character on a MMO, I sued to spend days modelling on Excel what would be the best combination of race, career, equipment. And I found that part almost more enjoyable than the MMO itself, knowing I would have an optimal avatar (even if marginally)
I often like to open excel, and throw some problem or stats and come up with a simulation of something (optimising scoring in a game, bettering mortgage, deciding whether I should change cars, etc...)
I love being anonymous in my life. I love standing out professionally, but in my private life I hate it. I tend to mimicry anything I can just to blend in. I wonder if people get irritated when I start adopting their tics, lingo, expressions
I can be very cold hearted. I understand and feel the emotional implications, but reason should prevail.
I feel that my goal in life is to be as much as possible independent from others. Again, I do love being with people, but I can't stand having to depend on their goodwill: have to depend on your boss, on the plumber, on the baker, on your neighbours, etc.. I relate to Aristotle who said that “he who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god”. I'd like to be the latter but may be falling to the former case in the process.
Don't have sympathy for the individuals in business transactions: I can't stand waiters who try to chit chat, they are here to serve me, and they are paid for it. A plumber is paid for a job. Same for an accountant, a doctor, a teacher, etc...
I get very irritated when member of my family start having a chit chat with non members of the circle. Why should my mother and my neighbour talk together??? Or with the nursery director? they have nothing in common, no business relationship, all it does is waste time and give information to another party
I hate idiots. I admire intelligent people. I always thought society was a pyramid based on intelligence, unfortunately it' not. And I hate it when idiots succeed...
Work hard and with passion, but when I solved a problem, I can't get motivated to repeat the motions another time. I've done it, don't need to prove it another time. Which can cause me issues at school/work/personal life.
When in a discussion, if someone says something inaccurate or new, my brain will go in overdrive till it analyses the situation. In doing so, I loose track of what is being said in the meantime, and then I also feel compelled to intervene/interrupt out of turn to showcase my analysis.
I have issues finding the right moment to jump in a conservation
Live very badly failures, and for every high I now expect the low to come and bite me back bitterly. I play to “not loose” rather than win.
I can't stand oily textures on my hand. I get even very disgusted if I see others (even on TV) with hands covered in oil, chocolate, honey, ....
If only there was a rulebook for human interactions, I could optimise and fake my behaviour. Unfortunately it's an art more than a science.
When I walk, I go from a point A to a point B and my mind focuses on the task at hand, hence I ignore everything else on my way there.
I never know what to say in bereavement situations
I only invited 8 people to my wedding, even though it offended many people in my family
I am very cynical.
I am very much a Peter pan at heart, loving cartoons, Anime, Mangas, comics, video games, etc...
I can have routines: at university, I used to eat in the same place every day for a few months, till I got fed up of its food, then would choose another place to which I'd remain totally loyal for another few months.
Very often people don't realise I'm joking when I say some very dark jokes...
I have been told in my job I wasn't empathic enough. In reality, I do empathise with their feelings, but choose to ignore them because they shouldn't be relevant They are, but they shouldn't.
It really annoys me to have to interact based on how people react rather than how they should react. A director who wants to take poor decisions in order to increase his bonus: understandable, however he should be working in the company's best interest, not his.. but still I'm supposed to empathise with him...
I don’t' work efficiently from home. Almost like for school, I feel I need to go to put on my uniform (suit) and go to the proper place to work. Home is for leisures only.
People cant' understand that you can be 2 different persons at work and in your personal life.
Understand Good and Bad, Law / Illegal, but struggle with concept of ethical or not. If it's legal, then end of discussion. If people find something bad, then make it illegal.
Surprisingly, I am not organised at all.



Thank you all in advance for your help, support and advice.

There's enough there to make anybody wonder. Some of those are pretty typical ASD traits. I'd say, sure, if you want an evaluation, get one.

The big question with ASDs and diagnosis isn't really "Are these autistic traits?" but, "Do I need help with these things?" If so, (and "help" includes "information that will help me help myself") then it makes sense to seek an evaluation, because a diagnosis is not made unless you have some sort of noticeable problem (again, "noticeable" can mean "noticeable only to myself by the amount of effort I expend solving the problem"). So, if you want help, then get an evaluation; if you can make it on your own even in high stress circumstances and you don't need help, then there'd be no reason to diagnose you with anything. Psychologists, at least good ones, know that "quirky person" is not something to diagnose, because "quirky person" is not a problem!

I'd say with issues like that, and the family history, there is a high probability that you are on the spectrum..
I'm in a similar situation. I have decided to go ahead and get evaluated myself.
This is a decision you will have to make though. We cannot do it for you..

Sincerely,
Matthew

Everyone is different--I decided that it was so obvious I was on the Spectrum, but so well adapted, that it made little sense to get a diagnoses.

For instance, when the lady who passes out paychecks came to my office, I actually looked away, while telling her the status of the other folks in our department (no easy task--lots of business travel and other outages). She was quite pleased--she got info that made her job that much easier. Of course, by looking away, I could focus and give her the most accurate info possible.

I find that by helping others, they ignore my little quirks.

You do appear to be on the spectrum. However, getting a formal diagnosis as an adult is a matter of need and/or interest. If you don't need active help for your condition, but are interested, you could try the online diagnostic tests.

After I saw myself in a number of articles about Asperger's, and in some online research, I took one of the online tests, as I believed I was an Aspy. The test confirmed it. I am thinking of taking some of the other online tests, but just for my own interest. I don't like therapy (been there, done that), and I don't like psych meds (been there, and done that too), and am handling my problems well enough without the meds, so I don't see what point there would be in me getting a formal diagnosis.

As for people chatting, I realize you are not into that, but there are reasons why others do this. Waitresses, hair stylists, bar tenders, etc. chat with the customers partly to make a customer's visit more pleasant, and partly to inspire warm feelings in the customer, so that they leave a bigger tip. In the case of someone like your mother chatting with friends, relatives, neighbors, and yes, even service people, she gets pleasure from these social constacts. Absolutely do not interfere with or criticize her about this. And the same holds true for any one else who gets pleasure that way. NTs are not robot-like, as many spectrum people are. They like and need social interactions far more than most of us on the spectrum do. Some people on the spectrum are also able to socialize, at least to some extent. This is not something bad, or to be criticized. Robots don't need social interaction, but people do. Even you engage in that, as your son wasn't born in a lab.

So ease up on people engaging in social contact. And do try the online tests.

Thank you all for your reply, I'll have some further thoughts about it before doing anything.