When to persevere with people

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This is a gem of a topic for those of us on the spectrum like myself (Aspie). I've always heard the expression that perseverance is rewarded, but in my youth and even after, I took that too black-and-white and ended up annoying people. The common denominator of perseverance, with me, was that it always seemed to be one of my instincts in "reactive mode", i.e. I hadn't anticipated some cue or expected behaviour, which compelled people to shut me out. So I still asked them if they wanted to hang out (potential friends), get more work or hours (workplace), or go on another date (with a young woman that I'd gone out for coffee or dinner or whatever). The responses were invariably cryptic, to me at least, which I could not usually decipher as rejection or shunning, but in hindsight that's really what it amounted to, and my perseverance didn't pay off.

An example was that I moved to another part of town, and a friend of a friend (who'd moved away) was in that area, so I got his number and called him, saying remember me from a year ago, we hung out a couple of times...I asked if he wanted to go for beers, and he said he couldn't because he's helping a friend move. I called him the next week, and he told me the same thing, that he's helping a friend move (and this time it was no longer the end of the month - so I stopped persevering!!)

At the workplace, in my youth, I had my hours chopped under the pretext that there wasn't enough work to go around yet I saw co-workers who'd been there less time than me getting more hours. I persevered to get more hours, put in my best effort, and asked if I could, but just got the standard "we'll see." I persevered again by stating that I've observed my less-experienced colleagues are getting more shifts, and was told it's because they need more experience to get themselves up to a certain level, whereas I already know the ropes - but was told that I also have "some areas" in which to improve. Incidentally, I hear that this sort of experience is very common for Aspies. Later in adult life, at a big company doing systems work on projects, I was reprimanded a couple of times for making gaffes - not really poor quality work, but just misinterpreting situational context, and alienating a couple of people...then I found myself being assigned to the minor projects, below my analysis ability, working with less people. Again, this was under the pretext that there wasn't enough work to go around, which was not what I observed at all from my colleagues (a couple of which were, again, with the company for less time than I). My perseverance in doing the best I could for the small projects and getting praise for it, then seizing my opportunity to ask for more high-profile projects, was just met with "well, now wouldn't be such a good time - but we'll see what we can get you."

Then with the dating scene, I was told on three separate occasions, two of which were after calling to try to set up a second date, one of which was calling to arrange the first date from a phone number I'd got at the club, that she'd gotten back together with her ex just the other day. The first time I actually believed it, but after that I knew it was false - I didn't persevere, but I added a little sarcasm in the mix "ohhh...I must have made him jealous, huh?"

So perseverance isn't always the right way to go - but you have to wonder with the kinds of situations that I describe, are these people a) hoping that you'll fall for the lie they give you and stop persevering, or b) expecting you to read the oblique hint and bugger off. Maybe it's both, b/c either way, they "win", I guess you could say. But I will say that people lying to drive me away is insulting and frustrating. I'm sure NTs get this too from time to time, but not as much, because they are more proactive than reactive and act in such a manner that prevents such "rejection lies" from arising in the first place.

Perseverance is good, but it is also important to know when someone isn't interested in you. In addition, it is good to learn from past experiences and ask ourselves how we can do better the next time. I am a believe in perseverance, but I also believe in making myself better and not doing the same thing twice unless it is something that works and does not get on someone's nerves

It seems as though you are doing fine, you are making attempts at friendship, but you also know when to drop it. You are also employed.

Friends of friends are dodgy ground, but it sounds like you got it right. Offer a couple of times and then leave it. He was either busy or you'd lost an acquaintance rather than a friend.

Re: the workplace

Regarding hours, it's possible you were actually on better pay than your colleagues who were getting the extra shifts. Given the chance, most employers try to keep their costs down.

Regarding projects, perhaps your gaffes or some other executive issues, mean that your employer is worried about putting you on larger projects. Perhaps there is someone you are clashing with who, is on the larger projects team? Or a perception you might alienate the best customers?

It sounds like you have a good job, the projects may be below your technical ability, but perhaps larger projects are above your social ability. If your employer is keeping you on, despite the gaffes it shows that they value your work and also understand your limitations. I wouldn't keep asking, the last thing you want to do is alienate what appears to be understanding management.

Jason

Nope...that's an assumption about the better pay. It was actually my colleagues who were higher paid, because they had been with the company longer, BUT they had only recently joined my dept - ergo, less experienced in the ways and functions of our dept.

I left this company a few years ago in a round of layoffs - likely because I was getting the menial projects and was prevented from being a more valuable employee. We just had internal customers/sponsors, not external, so it wasn't a question of razzle-dazzle sales tactics to impress the client. Surely, they must have realized that with my strong work ethic, intense focus and attention to detail that they realized I was capable of more - and these comments showed up on my performance reviews, so they did realize - but I guess the biases of me being "weird" or "different" must have overruled their better judgement.

I have no idea when to perservere and when not to. This is what hangs me up every time.

I get tired of it too because basically no relationships of any kind endure for me unless I perservere. I have to keep working hard at it constantly to maintain any sort of friendship. It gets to one sided, where I'm putting all the effort into it and if I stop, it just falls apart. So even if perserverance "works" it still leaves me with a bitter feeling that the person doesn't care about me at all, except as it's convenient to them.

The good characteristics you've described probably kept you doing the menial jobs. There is a knack to negotiating these things, which you have obviously missed. Don't take it personally, as a rule women seem to struggle with pay negotiations, it's a similar sort of problem.

My technique for workplace success is looking for gaps and gaping inefficiencies. Then implementing quick and reasonable improvements. I've always been more than happy to take on the crap jobs that everyone else has always avoided or failed to notice need doing. This has always got me noticed (and promoted) pretty quickly. A combination of attention to detail and initiative.

Definitely persist. You might need to adapt your strategy a bit, perhaps you have to find your own projects, rather than ask for them. FWIW I don't really differentiate too much between internal customers and external customers, internal customers can be tougher than externals. Customers can come and go, but you screw it up with someone who matters internally and you'll certainly be kept out the way.

What would you say your weaknesses are? You haven't mentioned anything except being werid or different.. What makes you weird or different in the workplace?

Jason