I'm worried people think I'm making excuses.

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I've only recently been diagnosed, and I'm 17.

When they told me and explained it to me, it explained so much. All these little things and all these huge obvious things about me, they were all explained by Asperger's.

Now, a lot of these things either I'm having trouble changing, or won't change. Like my inability to look most people in the eye. My difficulty with understanding the subtleties of social interaction. And how I may come across as obsessive, rude, and "too open". And I notice these things happening. And when they happen, I always WANT people to know I have Asperger's. Again, I'm that person that is "too open". I want people to know because that way there's an explanation!

But the problem is, and this has been bothering me for a long time now, even tonight, that I'm worried people will think I'm making excuses. I'm worried they'll say, "If you can recognize it, why can't you change it?", or what they have said, "Don't use your Asperger's as an excuse to be rude!"

I just don't know. It's really scary and hurtful. Does anyone have any advice?

You're just making excuses, you're just not trying hard enough, etc.

I bet everyone on these forums has heard it a lot. I certainly have.

No advice on how to deal with it, unfortunately. Murder is still illegal.

I knew even this site would be a problem for me...

I don't really know how to reply to that...

We all have about the same issues, but welcome to the forum. There are no good suggestions I can give you at this time, since the people you speak of I tire of and don't hang around. People will eventually accept you or won't, listening to them nag isn't going to change anything.

Edit : I like how Jory's response was similar to mine.

The problem is that it's also happening with my family.

Not my Dad though. He's actually got it more severe than I do.

These people who look people in the eye and recognize that they are looking people in the eye, why can't they stop when you want them to not look you in the eye? Grrr, always have to be reminded to not to try to bore into my eyeballs with their eyeballs...

I generally don't care what people think about it, if they need to know then i will tell them, if not then i wont, if they're jerks about it then they're jerks :o I think its quite simple, not everyone can or has to understand.

NTs have trouble dealing with people who are not part of their herd. They keep trying to make the different person conform to the herd, and get frustrated and angry when you don't conform. They tend to feel that if you can't be made to conform, it's because you are deliberately fighting the attempt to get you to conform, even when that's not so. For some reason our non conforming really, really bothers them, especially when they are our relatives. I am in my early 50s and still have to deal with this. Fortunately, I live alone now, but still have to have dealings with them. They don't mean to drive me crazy, and I don't mean to drive them crazy, but they can't handle my being different.

The only real suggestions I can offer are to keep your Asperger's on a need to know basis, and to minimize contact with people who keep trying to make you conform to a "normal" state that is beyond your ability to achieve.

My advice, don't use it as an excuse, it's not an excuse for anything. There is little consensus here, but I suggest keeping your diagnosis where possible to yourself. It is your reason for you, when you make a social mistake, you know it's not entirely your fault, it might be better next time.

Your ability to blend in socially can improve and does improve for most with age. That does take practice and motivation. If you use your diagnosis as a shield you might fail to make these changes and see the improvement.

Why don't you make a list of the things you want to improve on, such as eye contact and work at them one at a time? Maybe your parents or friends can help you or give you feedback? They might be more tolerant and helpful if they can see you want to work on these things.

I found a great tip here yesterday on eye gazing, this involves sweeping over someone's eyes, rather than making direct contact, but gives the impression of making eye contact. Follow someone's arm with your eyes, up to an ear, sweep across to the other ear, then back out again.

Why don't you start with that that?

Jason

Koi, I don't think you have to change anything! Remember that being an Aspie is, or can be (!), a real attribute! Use it to your advantage. Take your most special skills, which I know you have, and explore that. You've written very well and seem to be very conscientious - these are great qualities.

For instance, I'm not so good at eye contact.....so? Why is eye contact imperatively necessary? It's not. Instead, I'm a great listener and try to respond with my own knowledge and experience. (I don't need not know the eye colour of to whom I'm speaking). True, your not neurotypical, but so? I'm not right-handed either, but do I need to 'fix' that? Of course not.

Your honesty is an admirable quality - never change it. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone, ever. I think now it may be best if you do not share your diagnosis with those whom you do not really know, not because it's a negative (the contrary!) but because it's simply not understandable to others. In a sense, like how an attractive person would not flaunt their sexuality to just anybody. Keep it private. On the Wrong Planet you can share it though!

You have much to be proud of and there's no shame, at all, in being an Aspie. Our world is full of people who are superficial, kind-of dull, dishonest, etc. Already you have traits they might not. Now apply your special talents to contribute in ways another maybe could not. You'll find your niche. (And no need to worry so much - I worry about every possible thing and it's counterproductive, really).

Oh, and most especially, WELCOME to the Wrong Planet

Redacted

Last edited by nat4200 on 21 Apr 2012, 1:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

unfortunately there is only two things you can do.

1. deal with the fact that this is always going to happen (which i cant either)
2. be miserable about it

it seems the nicer the person, the more they will suffer from ignorance. you seem nice so i can understand how you feel. people who are tougher can probably get by a bit easier.

That example actually really makes sense. I like examples where I plan plug things in logically.

Thank you to all of you who replied while I was asleep! ♥

Well from my understanding there are some things that cannot be changed.......and it can vary between people with aspergers. I'm 22 and still cant make eye contact with most people with family and people I know well I can make some eye contact but otherwise its nearly impossible because it makes me too uncomfortable. Some people seem to just look for anything they can to criticize so I wouldn't worry too much about it.......I know it can be kinda hurtful when people make assumptions like that.

But yeah when people think you're being rude do they think its intentional? perhaps with family or friends you could explain aspergers means you have difficulty with social interaction and don't mean to be rude...I mean I know usually whenever people thought or think I'm being rude I have no idea I was doing anything rude not sure if its quite like that for you though. As for changing things, I think people expect that a bit too much....I mean I personally don't think just because I have aspergers I should be obligated to try and change that, how would they like to be told to change they way their brain works all the time? So yeah sometimes you have to just let people have their own opinions and try not to let it bother you to much, that can be easier said than done though.

To Sweetleaf:

The eye-contact problem isn't so much a concern with my family. They understand that aspect (or at least my immediate family. When Christmas comes around, I never leave the computer room). Yeah, I've known them for literally my entire life! Same with my really good friends too.
Well, unless I haven't seen them in a while and we meet up. Eye-contact is difficult then too.

And yeah, I try to explain to people that I don't mean to be rude. But I do realize it's rude after the fact (well, sometimes. I apparently caused a communal uproar last night that not even I will go into because I said something that I thought was supportive and good but came across as the worst thing since burnt sliced bread.) Eh. Sorry, I digress. So that's what makes it the hardest, knowing that you've done wrong, BUT JUST A LITTLE TOO LATE.

I'll... try. I'm sure that can work with some people. But there are special cases like going into a new classroom where I can't look up at all. And, I have an Aspie friend that sat next to me at lunch last trimester, and I couldn't even look at the side of his face. Anything. Even if he wasn't looking at me. I could not ever bring myself to look at him.
I'm sure there are other people that I'm like that with, but I can't think of them right now...

Well yeah sometimes I can figure out afterwards how people might have founds something I said rude...but typically being rude was the furthest thing from my intentions so it can be a bit frustrating so I definitely get realizing things too late. Then of course trying to apologize is always fun...

And yeah that may be a good thing to try, my issue is I can't pay attention to what someones saying if I try to look like I'm making eye contact because then I have to try and think about both at once and it doesn't seem to work.