It has been two years since I took the "Aspie Quiz" at Wired, and it was the first real clue that something was amiss. Not a surprise, really; when I was 11, I began suffering from severe migraines, and the neurologist I saw at the time informed my mother that I had very focused interests, "tunneled" as he put it. So, I've known for most of my life that I've been a little... different.
It was in high school that I finally started to fit in, after my best friend and only secure relationship moved away. I had to fit in, especially since I was discovering girls. But I never felt comfortable, I avoided parties and groups, preferring to be in smaller groups or alone. Soon, I began suffering anxiety attacks and depression. The migraines, which had faded for almost a decade, returned in earnest. This has gone on for two decades, including two hospitalizations for depression.
Which leads me to the quiz. The score indicated very strong likelihood of Aspergers. Searching about the Internet, I discovered the test at the RDOS site, and each time I take it, I score in the 170-175/200 range. I've taken this test and each time I try to be as honest and self-critical as possible, and the results the same.
I've taken it four times.
Finally, I came across a version of the spectrum exam, and the score was 41; very high probability.
That I've suspected that I've had Aspergers for the past couple of years hasn't been of much concern to me until recently. The rigidity of thought is resulting in problems at work, where I am walking a fine line with termination due to failing to keep up to standards. I am on FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) at my job due to the migraines, and am missing more work, as stress is a trigger. My short term memory is getting worse, and in my job, that is a serious problem. The depression, which never really goes away, is back. There are other health issues I deal with, and it is all getting overwhelming.
It's all coming to a head now, at the tender age of 49. I'm not so worried about disability, what I worry about is losing a sense of usefulness. I have people who depend on me, and they are supportive. But still, I worry.
Sorry about the ramble, coming down from a migraine and needing to unload.
RL
02 May 2012, 6:35 pm
