Aspergers and the eternal struggle with self and others ...

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Hello fellow aspies!

I need advice, assistance and maybe some good constructive criticism.
In particular from anyone married with children and potentially having only recently been diagnosed. Anyone of any age, background or circumstance is welcome to contribute but those in a similar situation may have the perspective I'm looking for.

What do you do when in crisis and you feel that can no longer trust your life partner to be there for you?

Do you instantly go with that feeling and take action?

Do you wait and go only with proof that they may not be 'on your side' for want of a better description?

Do you retreat into your cave and make matters worse?

Do you suck it up and go against all feelings and loss of healthy communication channels and try to start again, building up knowing full well they are on shaky foundations?

Is it only the aspies that have to manage their lot in life and no real responsibility of the NT partner? Is it fair to be constantly expected to change or be a better aspie?

Is it fair that I feel I still have to announce 'I have a disability!' when situations, comments and reactions are blown out of context or turn around on me?

Why can't people accept me for who I am when I accept them for who they are?

Is it really just best if I don't try to teach my children about the things in the world that I am still coming to terms with myself and may never will?

The overwhelming feeling that people may be actually better off without me in their lives (day to day) is this just me feeling sorry for myself? or is it the truth?

How do you control anger or frustration in situations where family, friends or close associates are the direct cause?

How in these situations do you successfully communicate without causing more damage than has already been caused?

At a time in my life when all of my bases of love, support and acceptance are at an all time low and keeping their distance, is it right for me to feel isolated and forgotten? As in is it all my fault? Is it solely my responsibility to ask for help and support when the very essence of a friend/family etc is to be there for you, often without even having to ask?

have any of you (esp. newly diagnosed) ever just gone Stuff it! That's it! No more!
and ...
paved your own way through life/career (breaking boundaries) knowing the reason you never had one is because you had bought into everyone elses always forsaking your own?

Is this the only way to succeed and be happy if you are a highly gifted individual with aspergers and add?

It seems my entire life has been spent in servitude to a system that has no respect for me or my abilities, in turn that lack of respect has become my own.

How do you rebuild a (healthy) aspie ego that was once destroyed by teachers/family, painfully rebuilt over years, then destroyed (purposely) by an misguided soul looking for answers, the truth and a better understanding of self?

My determined search for no ego led me to realise I actually needed one, especially as that is all the NT world has to offer me

Mmm sorry for the heavy dose of cynicism, it hasn't been the best of years ...

I'll finish now with a few questions for anyone involved in computer related industries

How do u limit the width of the net you cast when seeking new information?

How do you maintain control of the need to understand it all?

Even when you scale it down to just the essentials, how do you remain focused on the bigger picture and not the steps/elements of it first?

I really hope this post provides some good discussions and comments and yes I am quite depressed, anxiety and stress ridden at the moment, even more so than usual.

If you knew the specifics you'd probably cry or at least vomit, it has been a very tumultuous year, one that I would not wish on anyone!


In temporary peace, and glaring light ...

Im 44 and was diagnosed last year. It sounds like you're not always taking the time to be alone to recharge.
At times everyone in my life has let me down by being a flake, not being on the same page (ie they could give a crap about my dreams), or by continually expecting me to 'normal'. I pretty much gave up on being able to depend on anyone else. Yes it's sad but I have to accept reality.
As far as the interpersonal BS I try to do the best I can but it isn't totally successful. Periodically my wife goes insane because she thinks I'm 'ignoring her'... of course I'm not ignoring her. Sometimes she has a real temper and it causes me to withdraw which she interprets as ignoring her. It's a viscous circle.
I'm with you.. I accept her flaws and all and expected the same in return. If only logic prevailed

Regarding some of your questions...
If you feel like you need help - ask for it.
Your ego will return when you embrace your gifts and give up trying to 'be' something you aren't... that isn't to say you can't try to learn new skills to smooth your way in the world but be you.
I maintain my control of needing to understand it all by being too busy to spend much time on it
Regarding your life - it's your life and you're living the life you created. Perhaps it's time for a change.
Wish I could offer you something more helpful...

Boy, this sounds so familiar. But I have had a little success by realizing that I can't live anybody else's life for them, and don't like it when they try to get me to do so. Likewise, they can't spend all their time (or even much of their time) taking care of me or being interested in my problems. We all have some energy for others, but not a lot. Let's be honest. And you probably want to call your own shots. It is hard to stop trying to control everything, and being scattered and disorganized because of it, but making some effort has let me relax and be more effective as a visitor to this planet.

Sounds like you could try to make some lists on who and what are important to you. Then rethink that list and make another. And then a third list and maybe even a fourth list. When you've pared the list down to the most essential, then while balancing your heart with your reasoning, decide on the right course for you.

For sure, as long as you let yourself feel and think you're being victimized, you'll be spinning your wheels. So be brutally honest with yourself; cry and get mad if you need to without going overboard; and then come back to reality and attempt to do right -- for yourself and your loved ones.

Hi. I'm relatively confident I can relate to your turmoils. I was in an unloving marriage for over 10 years. "Did it for the kids." I had some very dark times. And I came out the other end. If I can, anyone can. That means you.



I would seriously consider "plan B." I never did. "Plan B" was launched on me when I wasn't expecting it, or ready. From that miserable crisis (she was the wage-earner) I would suggest you start considering how to get an independent life going on the best of your terms. As far as you (don't) know, she's already talking to a lawyer.



Tried marriage counseling yet? If both partners are willing to give it go, it might go well.



From my experience, the other partner doesn't really want to hear "a reason" they should be more flexible. You two are both in it, equally. Unless you don't feel you are in it equally, then things aren't right.



Proceed w/ extreme caution! How old are the children?



You got to get space, support and success outside the family. Especially if they are planning to pinkslip you.



I probably had that year. Like I said, if I could survive it, you can as well.