Have you ever had someone hate you for being 'quiet'?

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AJ89
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12 Oct 2012, 11:50 pm

I'm not a talkative person, yet I can easily make "enemies" because my lack of communication apparently makes me come off as snobby, stuck-up or whatever choice of words any talkative person calls me for being quiet.

I just can't do small talk, I often don't know what to say and I don't want to talk on and on about things that interest me to people because I don't want to bore them.

I work in retail and one of my regular customers hates me because I'm not talkative to him. I do engage in small talk with him but I don't go beyond that unless he actively engages in conversation with me. For example, I was returning from unloading a truck and was heading into the office from the back and saw him in the store. I went up to him, asked him how he was etc., then went to the office since he didn't really seem interested in talking. He then later complained about me not being 'friendly' to my boss and demanded him to fire me which my boss didn't do. My boss said he complained about me because I wasn't talkative enough with him.

I then told one of my co-workers and she said "Yeah, I guess I can see him complaining about you since you're so stuck-up".

I don't even have to do anything to make people hate me. If I'm not talkative, most people will think I'm a snob, which I'm not, and then they think poorly of me.

Has anyone else had someone hate them for not being talkative?



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13 Oct 2012, 12:14 am

I wouldn't say someone has hated me for being not being talkative. I have gotten one time from these two people I knew that they thought I don't like them because I don't talk to them. I just had nothing to talk about. I still talked to them if they spoke to me. Then online I deal with an online friend who always gets upset with me for being quiet. I just don't know what to say and he assumes I don't care after I keep telling him I don't know what to say and I am not good at it. We have had great conversations before but it died out and I don't know what else to say. He can keep on talking to me but he doesn't and he keeps getting upset with me for not talking enough or for being quiet.


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cathylynn
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13 Oct 2012, 12:17 am

people have thought i was stuck up.



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13 Oct 2012, 12:29 am

That's really the only reason anyone has ever been "less than nice" to me. I used to be extremely quiet, and people would basically insult me for it and constantly try to force me to talk. Luckily I've learned to be much more talkative now, and as a result seem to get treated much better and I feel much more accepted in general. Unfortunately we live in a society that places great value on extroversion, so the more reserved are often viewed in a negative light.



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13 Oct 2012, 1:50 am

AJ89 wrote:
I'm not a talkative person, yet I can easily make "enemies" because my lack of communication apparently makes me come off as snobby, stuck-up or whatever choice of words any talkative person calls me for being quiet.

I just can't do small talk, I often don't know what to say and I don't want to talk on and on about things that interest me to people because I don't want to bore them.

I work in retail and one of my regular customers hates me because I'm not talkative to him. I do engage in small talk with him but I don't go beyond that unless he actively engages in conversation with me. For example, I was returning from unloading a truck and was heading into the office from the back and saw him in the store. I went up to him, asked him how he was etc., then went to the office since he didn't really seem interested in talking. He then later complained about me not being 'friendly' to my boss and demanded him to fire me which my boss didn't do. My boss said he complained about me because I wasn't talkative enough with him.

I then told one of my co-workers and she said "Yeah, I guess I can see him complaining about you since you're so stuck-up".

I don't even have to do anything to make people hate me. If I'm not talkative, most people will think I'm a snob, which I'm not, and then they think poorly of me.

Has anyone else had someone hate them for not being talkative?


Yes, I've had experiences quite similar on all my previous jobs. At the factory, I would prefer to sit quietly alone during breaks, I wouldn't do small talk because, like you, I had no idea what to talk about, and usually the conversations that went on were not of my interest. People could always talk to me in the sense that I would answer back, but I'd never initiate conversation. As a result, some people had a problem with me. They would view me as weird, or even stuck-up sometimes. It wasn't everyone on the job, as there were also coworkers at the factory I got along with very well. One older lady took me under her wing, so during most breaks I wasn't that isolated.

My experience was a bit worse when I was a cleaner, first at the airport than at a sports center, and especially with relation to my age peers. I generally got along better with older coworkers, than with coworkers in their 20s; most of the coworkers my age had more issue with my being quiet than the older ones. They'd all socialise with each other, talk, small-talk, and I was always quieter, had different interests and hobbies than most of my age peers at work, and therefore had difficulty connecting. They'd talk about me behind my back, but I'd overhear, and they also thought I was silly in general.

Usually, on jobs where I had to deal with customers, though, even though I was still bad at small talk, I came across as friendly. In contrast to that, on my latest job brewing coffee, I had lots of trouble relating to my two coworkers. We'd had long stretches of awkward silences, and it made them feel uneasy around me, even if I really had little problem with the silence.
The main problem was the disconnect between my coworker and me, though. With my trainer on that job, I didn't have the problem, because there were points of reference we shared, certain interests and philosophies.
It was especially striking when I started a conversation with a customer while my coworker was also on the job, and I just spoke to that man for long minutes because we shared an interest. I was happy to be able to talk for so long, but my coworker obviously felt slighted that I turned into a motormouth for this customer I had just met, and would barely exchange five sentences with her (my coworker), even though we'd been working together for weeks. I can see how I could have come across as a jerk in that situation.


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Dillogic
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13 Oct 2012, 3:34 am

Plenty of times.



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13 Oct 2012, 3:49 am

Yes, and I think this is probably a problem a lot of us have. I was amazed when I discovered in high school and later university that people thought I was stuck up. The truth couldn't have been more the opposite - my self esteem was rock bottom and I believed no one would ever want to talk to me (my social failures had mounted up to such a painful extent that I stopped talking to anyone unless spoken to). I also didn't have the slightest idea how to talk to them because they were all interested in things I knew nothing about and I was interested in things they knew nothing about.

When my mother remarried my new stepfather somehow came to the conclusion that I was dishonest and sulky and trying to take advantage of him by living with them. He had fits about it over and over again until I was forced to move out. Again, nothing could be further from the truth - I only want to help people and would never dream of doing anything dishonest or of taking advantage of anyone, and I didn't want to live there - I did only because I felt unable to manage independently due to my difficulties (though I was forced to do so anyway). I was just afraid of him and unable to speak to him and he completely misinterpreted it. When I learned later the importance people place on eye contact and that they think people who don't make eye contact are being dishonest, I realised that that was probably why.

I have never been able to understand why people misinterpret me so badly. Clearly I'm unable to communicate what's going on inside to the people outside in any meaningful way or they wouldn't come to the complete opposite conclusions!



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13 Oct 2012, 4:25 am

It's not uncommon for someone who is shy to kind of avoid eye contact... Hearing of experiences people have had coming across as dishonest just irks me...

I always just assumed people didn't think much of me either way. Like, they may just think "she's quiet/really shy/boring" but not really have much of an opinion. I figured that they must just not have known that I wanted to have friends or they were too shy to talk to me as well. But, I do wonder what people really think...



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13 Oct 2012, 9:16 am

I'm decried as arrogant anyway because I usually make clear decisions and stick to them, like, no small talk for me since it's a waste of time and I prefer to read.

The effect of me not talking, however, was that some women told me I was such a great listener ... they were rambling on and on and liked it. Truth is, even if I want to say something I'm incredibly slow with it and people obviously can't stand silence and need to fill every second with words. No, I don't think someone hated me for being quiet, at least I'm not aware of it. Rather the opposite, I suppose.



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13 Oct 2012, 9:45 am

I actually don't like being around quiet people.

I don't hate them, but I find it stressful to be around them.

As aspies the only way to get a read on someone is by what they say, not how they act. So anytime I'm around people that don't like to talk I get mega stressed.

Anyhow, verbally explain, that you don't like talking. Also it don't hurt if you act like your atleast listening to those around you.

Anyhow the OP coworker is a immature child. No competent boss would ever take that complaint seriously.



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13 Oct 2012, 11:38 am

My experiences have been more that people think I don't like them because I don't talk to them very much.


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13 Oct 2012, 11:42 am

jetbuilder wrote:
My experiences have been more that people think I don't like them because I don't talk to them very much.


Same here, honestly. I've sometimes had to explain to people that, really, I did not dislike them in spite of my apparently aloof attitude toward them. That usually patched things up between us for about 2 days or so.


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13 Oct 2012, 10:36 pm

yes. As a man alot of people will hate you if you are quiet.



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13 Oct 2012, 11:07 pm

Hate might be too strong a word, butt I tick some people off for being quiet, including my ex. (That was among several reasons why I broke up with him.)

I have always been very quiet. In all my life there have been 3 people I have ever been chatty with; my mother, my grandfather, and my ex. And even then I only have so much to say.

Normally I don't really have anything to say. And if I listen to others talk, I don't have any need to give my POV out loud.

I've been told that I am too quiet by teachers, but I have never cared; there's no such thing, I am as quiet as is natural for me. I've also been told that I'm so quiet that it's easy to forget that I'm there.

I've never cared if anyone dislikes it. I think extroverts are a pain. Quiet is so good. In fact among the most enjoyable situations I know are the good quiet times when my mother and I are sitting in the living room reading books. It's quiet and good and we're together in a relaxing non intrusive non weary way.
I'm happily introvert and non-talkative.


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14 Oct 2012, 1:15 am

I am also very quiet..i would agree that some people are offended if you are so quiet and tend to think you are rude
It is really that because i find interaction difficult that i tend to avoid people...also i hate to feel that they think i'm odd so that makes communication worse for me...i would love to talk more, but my shyness and lack of comunication skills keeps me locked in this isolated world :cry:



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14 Oct 2012, 1:36 am

I have not been hated, per se... but if you talk to much you are arrogant, if you don't talk enough you're stuck up...

People want noisy idiots like they are.


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