Am I on the spectrum?

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I have never done anything like this before, and never spoken about any of this stuff apart from to one close friend of mine. Sorry if I am rambling or some of what I say does not make sense, I am trying to make sense of it myself, I am also very bad at explaining things and tend to include too much detail whilst doing so. So here goes..

I am a 22 year old male.

I have not felt 'normal' in a while now, whatever normal is anyway... And I know something is severely wrong and I am trying to find out what it is. I will point out that I don't think I expressed some of the things I am about to explain whilst younger, some maybe not as intensely, but I am worried that I may have had a lot of these traits my entire life but just never payed attention enough to notice.

The first time something started to change in me happened around 3-4 years ago when I was in college in a philosophy class. This was not long before I went through a tragedy in my life as I lost my mum to cancer and found myself living alone at 20. I love philosophy and it plays a major role in my life it gets me through a lot of things and was my favorite subject. We all had to produce an essay and present it to the rest of the class, no problem I thought, and why would it be? I used to do drama as a young child and did performances in front of large audiences, I had no confidence issues. Yet as I walked to the front of the class to present my essay which I was really proud of, I felt my throat dry up and I started to shake. I spent the while presentation hiding behind my papers as I read it out almost in tears at the levels of discomfort I was feeling. It was a horrible experience for me and feels like the start of ALOT of anxiety problems in my life.

I used to be quite a social character, not amazingly so but whilst younger I used to have a life, I had lots of friends, I would go out at the weekend and look forward to doing things with people. Now I spend every day alone in my house and can't bring myself to do anything, I don't want to do anything or see anybody I just want to be on my own. I don't really speak to or see anybody I consider a friend and have been 'off the map' to almost everyone I know since my mum died. Yet people don't treat me any differently even though I've ignored them for years and I feel like it's pity because of what I've been through. I spend every day when I finish work I come home close my door and won't go outside until work the next morning. I will smoke weed and play games every night because that is what I have gotten into a habit of doing and I can't see life any other way its what I do and can't break the routine. I don't enjoy it anymore but can't stop. I have routines that I can't break out of, like I have bought the same lunch every day at work for 18 months because I know I like it and I am too scared to try anything different. I can't get my food anywhere else because my lunch hour is planned based on how much time everything takes and any deviant on that causes me distress, so I can't waste any more time than I would usually spend, I just can't.

I have read about people with Asd struggling to find work, or maintain a job, I'm currently in work and it's my longest spell of employment in my life and I find that it's work I can cope with and get on with easily. It's an office environment but my department has our own section at the end of the building, away from most of the other staff, and I work in my own room, on my own all day apart from the odd person popping in which is fine. I don't have to deal with people and that's just how I prefer it. The work is very repetitive and straight forward so I know what I'm doing and I have my own routine I can carry out each day to get it all done. I get on well with the males in my department after getting to know them, however I have problems with members of staff from other departments who I don't interact with as much and the same applies for anybody I don't know really.

When I have to speak to somebody unfamiliar I immediately panick once I know a response is expected from me, I panick so much I forget how to speak and don't know what to say other than surfacy BS or one word answers, I am always polite to people but conversation will not go any further than salutations and asking how someone is, I have nothing else to say to these people. If it goes further than that and somebody starts speaking to me about anything I feel physical stress and can feel myself starting to squint alot at the person and feel my whole face tensing up until it's over, I must look like I'm having some sort of seizure. This doesn't happen with people I am comfortable around. However I cannot maintain eye contact for very long or it gets awkward I spend more time looking at the floor or other things than the person I'm speaking to.

Another problem I have is that I will ignore problems and hope they will just fix themselves, for a long time too, or just wont see a solution to something for a long time. For example once I was the only person living in my house I remained permanently in my bedroom, all day every day, even though I had a living room with a huge TV, space for my pc and consoles, more room and comfort, yet I chose to stay in my bedroom alone for almost a year before I tried moving downstairs, and realising it was the better choice I was annoyed it took me that long to realise/try something.

I have an issue with hearing/reading things literally, there has been many times where a joke has been made that I take as a serious statement, and it goes over my head completely, this doesn't happen all the time, but enough for it to be a problem and be noticed by others. It also happens a lot whilst reading text, I often misinterpret what people write in an email or IM, if taking a test about myself I get stuck on certain questions simply because I don't understand what it means even if it is simple. 'does it mean this or that' and then I get stressed. I also spend a lot of time thinking about what I am trying to say or type, as everything feels like it has to be tactful as I don't want to ever offer.d anybody, and a lot of the time I will say things that don't make sense and people cant understand me.

I worry too much about what other people think of me even though I know it doesn't matter, and it influences my day to day life and causes huge anxiety for me. I am permanently worried about a magnitude of things that keep me awake at night and stop me from doing all sorts of things.

I am very clumsy and often knocking things over or banging into things, I seem to have a hard time with doorways (lol?) I am Always bumping off frames and other nonsense.

I feel like I could keep going forever with these things but I've probably said enough for now, it's been hard for me to say this stuff and it's taken a long time to get the confidence to put it on a forum like this. I want to know if anybody has similar problems and/or thinks I am on the spectrum and should get help.

I have taken a few tests related to asperges/autism and in all cases got a score suggestive of having it. But these were pretty short tests (50 questions) and quite brief in covering specific areas. I did the rdos test and got the follow score

ND score 165/200
NT score 68/200

To me that sounds pretty suggestive, and I know I don't have a severe case of this if I do (yet?) it seems certain traits are more strong than others and alot of what I feel is internal and not expressed outwardly.

Lastly, most of these symptoms seemed to have started during the last 3-4 years. If I am autistic is it possible I just never picked up on a lot of stuff until recently? Or can something like this come on suddenly or be amplified by a traumatic experience followed by isolation or such?

Thank you for reading if you made it this far I am curious to hear your responses.

I guess it's possible--but I don't think it's probable.

I get the feeling that anxiety and maybe depression might be what's causing your symptoms. Autism is something which is usually present from toddlerhood, at least. It doesn't normally emerge during adolescence or later.

Obviously, I can't know for sure---nobody can on the basis of what's written on the Internet.

If you're in a position to be assessed for this, go for it.

Welcome to WP, anyway--whether you are autistic or not.

None of us would be able to say one way or the other. But I think what strikes me is you have high levels of anxiety. I think it'd be worth testing for an anxiety disorder if you can.

Starting with going to college the tramatic events of a few years ago seems to have triggered your problems which include symptoms that occur in Autism and other conditions. As noted above if you not born Autistic but the traumas caused your problems you are not Autistic. Seems is the operative word as it is always possible you have always have been autistic but did not notice the traits until the tramas made them much more severe.

Bottom line you are having issues impairing your life and they need to dealt with professional help.

Hi, thanks for the feedback. Just to clarify I had been in college for 3 years at that point it wasn't new to me or anything and then that one time I found it really difficult to present that essay, very randomly and this is the first case of anxiety I remember.

As for childhood I think I was a bit of a hyper active child and quite intelligent for my age, my mum did say to me a couple of times she thought I had ADHD, which is on the autism spectrum. this was around 13+. I never payed enough attention to my own behaviour as a kid or teenager for me to compare to what I am seeing and experiencing now which makes it hard to judge. My dad didn't live with me during my life and I didn't see him often enough for him to have an opinion on this.

I do agree anxiety is an issue but after some reading about it and disorders I don't feel like I exhibit a lot of symptoms associated with anxiety, though I do experience some, with high intensities, in certain situations. It feels like the anxiety is stemming from something else. Although my anxiety levels go through the roof in certain situations, it doesn't feel like the main issue I have as I want to know why these things are causing me anxiety when not having done so really before, or just on very manageable levels.

Also would anxiety problems produce a similar score on that test I did? I thought the results were pretty high. I know that's nothing to go off but there must be a reason for that.

Here's the thing: no one else can say if you're autistic but you. A doctor can rule out other things, including ADHD, depression, and clinical anxiety, but there's a lot of things that can exist alongside autism, and doctors are human beings who make mistakes. Someone with autism can help, but we don't know you as well as you do.

On one hand, anxiety can cause people to isolate and become repetitive. On the other hand, anxiety can autistics to isolate more and become more repetitive. Drama can help people with autism learn social skills...along with people who are clinically anxious, and people with a normal level of shyness.

No matter what, if you can relate to us, you are welcome here.

ADHD is not on the Autism Spectrum.

I see about ADHD not being part of it, must have gotten confused about something there. I am pleased to receive such feedback and thoughts, and being made welcome. I struggle every day like many others, and I am trying to find out why. There are a lot of strange things about me many I haven't been able to mention as some things feel too preposterous to explain. Just makes me feel stranger.

I wish I had someone to tell me more about myself and my habits through my life it could help a lot with finding out what is up with me, but there is no such person.

From what I am gathering people are leaning towards anxiety problems, but I feel like it's more than that, maybe it's part of it. I have had a lot of thoughts about autism and asperges and comments have been made or I wouldn't be on here. The more I think about it I try to make connections between autism and my youth, where I was most oblivious to anything going on with myself, I've always had strange intrinsic ways about things, that perhaps became 'normal' as time went on.

Regardless, I have come to accept something is wrong, and I aim to find out what it is. I would struggle to get myself to a gp without having confidence in what I think is going on with me. Ironic since a gp should be referring me but it's just how it is.

Thanks for your welcomes and advice!

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disability that shares a lot in common with autism. Because of that, people sometimes say that ADHD and autism are on the same spectrum. I think that ADHD and autism are different, but similar.

Your last post seems to describe more autistic-type mannerisms. You are on a journey of self-discovery. Whatever you conclude, good luck.

I think you're going to be all right. You just have to sort things out.

I hope this Site helps you with that.

First of all, I want to say Welcome to WP.
Secondly, I am really sorry to hear about your mum. Her passing is still very recent and I know you have been greatly affected. I wish you the very best in dealing with her passing and working through it.

As far as you possibly being on the Spectrum, we are not allowed to "diagnose" anyone here at WP and we are not qualified to anyway. I would recommend a really great book to you that I read twice as I as preparing for my diagnosis. It is called The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome and it is by Tony Attwood who is a leading expert in Asperger's/High Functioning Autism. That book is very comprehensive and it will teach you a lot. It is written for teachers and parents of Aspie kids mainly and has many strategies on how to help them in the classroom settings. But as far as understanding High Functioning Autism, I found it very helpful and I was able to see myself all over that book.

The first time I read it, I just read it through. The second time as I read, I took notes and anything in the book that applied to me I wrote down examples from my life, starting all the way from a very young child and wrote down all the examples that I could think of of things that happened to me that whatever the paragraph was describing. When I went for my diagnosis, most of the time the diagnostician wants to talk to parents or relatives who knew you as a child to know your history. But the notes I had written were so insightful that they did not need to contact anyone else about my childhood. And this is very helpful because in many cases, such as your own, sometimes the parents have passed away or other relatives can't be reached.

But really learning about what HFA/Asperger's is really helped me understand my own situation and this book is an excellent start. There are many fabulous books and resources out there and I am sure that other members here can recommend some.

From what you described in your post it is possible that you might just be feeling a lot of anxiety and depression and of course that would be very understandable in light of your mother's passing of cancer so recently. But if you feel strongly that you should look more into the possibility of being on the Spectrum, I would definitely read Tony's book as a good place to start. But whether you find yourself on the Spectrum or not, or whether you are uncertain, you are always welcome here and hopefully you will find friends and support.

Yep......Attwood's book is an excellent resource.

I also just want to throw in that ASD also can potentially come with a LOOOOOT of other co-morbidities as well.

Some ASD for example, are prone to seizures.
It's really such an array of characteristics that it is surprising (to me at least) that it can be so easy to spot the Autie Aspie person sometimes.

Some other ranging co-morbidities I've read about/have myself:
-ADHD/ADD
-Prosopagnosia
-Depression
-Anxiety Disorders
-Low Muscle Tone = body awkwardness
-Other Mood disorders (wouldn't surprise me- the NT world isn't particularly accepting of ASD people in my humble experience)/Bipolar
-Tourettes
-Sleep issues
-Intellectual disability/retardation (not PC way of saying low IQ perhaps)
-Dyslexia/Dyspraxia
-Other Learning Disorders
-Bowel Issues/IBS-type issues
Lots, going on.
((Sorry for not providing any links- It's super late for me and am tired))
Makes it a lot to wade through and think about.

Thank you for the replies.

Skibum - thanks for your kind words, I will definitely look into the book I might see if I can find it in a store today if possible.

Maybe the post title sounds misleading, I am not looking for a diagnosis on WP but rather just want to know if ASD sufferers experience any similar things and what they THINK I could be experiencing.

Unfortunate_aspie thanks for the I formation, I will try to point out some of what I share from that list.

ADHD has been suspected but never diagnosed - from my mum

Depression/anxiety I certainly have

I have had sleeping issues my entire life, apparently I didn't get a full 10 hour sleep until I was 8 years old and it's alway been very sporadic. I've been through periods where my sleeping times used to move around the 24h clock for weeks at a time. Working and having a schedule helps stop that but as soon as the weekend hits I am up all night again.

I definitely suffer with bowel issues, I don't know how that relates but I have problems almost every day. This is not diagnosed as IBS, as with most things I don't want to see a gp about it I am too scared of what I might hear. But this has been an ongoing thing for a while now.

I hope you all are doing well today.

Now...you're a known entity