Overly self-critical

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When I talk to some people about social skills problems, they tell me that everyone does that and the solution is to not let it bother me. I feel they are making my problems small and that is not a solution. I want to make fewer mistakes socially. I'm not sure I am capable of not caring and being less self-critical, although I may not be capable of making fewer mistakes, either.

Just say %$#* it. As as old singer's line about a similar subject:, His reply was "you are what you are and you ain't what you ain't Don't worry about trying to conform to what others think you should do and how you should act.

Like Popeye: I am what I am.

I have had that experience several times and it is insulting for people to say that, because they are essentially accusing you of blowing an insignificant problem out of proportion and using it as an excuse. I've been on this planet half a century and I can state with complete confidence that the issues Autistic people deal with may resemble minor hurdles that NT people experience, but they are not the same, or "everyone" would have had the same problems functioning on a day-to-day basis that I have had and clearly that is not the case.

Neurotypicals may know what "the jitters" are like or "stage fright" - but they do not live with that level of anxiety on a daily basis. When you drive yourself to work and become so sick with anxiety that you can't get out of your car, you are not experiencing something that "everyone" goes through. If you are bullied your entire life because others figure out that when they verbally assault you, you shut down and become unable to respond, you are not going through an experience that happens to "everyone." Being annoyed to distraction by someone turning the TV up too loud in no way resembles experiencing physical pain from certain sounds, as though someone had just tasered you. I hatefully resent having my handicaps trivialized as though they were meaningless.

As far as being self-critical, JKT, keep in mind that most of your social shortcomings are due to the hardwiring in your brain. Your gray matter is simply hooked up a bit different than most and that is never going to change. It doesn't mean you can't learn to work around that and improve your social functioning, you most certainly CAN, but there's no textbook for it, you just grow into it over time. Which means, you're going to get thrown and humiliated over and over again, but you will will only learn to stay in the saddle if you keep getting back on that horse (I can't believe WP doesn't have a cowboy emoticon).

Thanks, Willard. I'm glad to see you return to WP.

To "not let it bother you" is not the solution. It is best to keep trying to get better, socially. It would not hurt to think about your own shortcomings in social situations. Just think about it, and try to do better in your next social encounter.

The problem is for me, when you dont understand what mistakes you are making, you cant learn from it. Even then i have a hard time remembering stuff that i am good at.

It would be like someone yelling at you in chinese everytime you do something that seems random.

Mistakes socially can be very costly. That is one thing ive learned over the years. what seems right and okay, isnt always.

Generally, people don't want to hear about problems. They want to feel cared for and important. If you want to play the social game, remember it's a subordination of your desires to conform. If that sounds like a drag, you can always be yourself and find out who's still standing.