My husband keeps accusing me of ignoring him...

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Oh my gosh, what is that site...the Aspergers hate group or something? What that guy wrote is horrible!

It is mostly a bunch of NT women bashing their aspie husbands. There are a few NT men bashing their aspie wives.

I was joking but there is some seriousness in their. She may be married to Qplan or a guy like him.

Personally, I think Qplan is a real prick.

They are getting divorced so maybe this isn't her. He believes the judge was an aspie and screwed him.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/n/mb/mes ... sg=11320.1

That man seems to think anyone is aspie if they do a "inconsiderate" thing like not holding the door open for someone who is pregnant. I opened doors fine by myself when I was pregnant so I don't see why they would need that help.

I don't know what the deal with his wife is. According to him she is abusive and neglectful. Their kids think she is mean to them and her mother also thinks she is not a good mother.

He seems to shut down anything an aspie says to him because he has this idea we can't see their view nor empathize and doesn't think they are qualified to respond to his posts.

It is considered a polite thing to do. I have had people not be polite and the door has almost hit me in my face plenty of times. I had to duck back a lot. A lot of people are rude about this. It's not totally an aspie thing. Some people are just jerks. If it happens I have my moves I developed so I don't get hit and I don't even worry about it. My thinking is if they open the door for me then they're awesome for doing that. I have bigger things to worry about then some schmuck not opening a door for me. I assume it is the same for you am I correct? I mean you have a child to feed.



I wish there was a way to obtain her story.



If this is true then why can't the converse of this be true as well? How does he know what our view of things are and how can he truthfully empathize with us. How is he qualified to respond to our posts?

Yeah, seriously. When I was pregnant I had someone shove me out of their way because I mistakenly pushed their shopping cart away (there was nothing in it)...I sincerely doubt this person was an Aspie because they were so aggressive.

You have to tell him and then he has to stop this complaining or complain only when reasonable. And that you don't ignore him just that you are an aspie. And that it might feel like that you ignore him but you don't.
Otherwise this will kill your relationship.

Hope you are able to build up some nearness (again).

Well and you have the same right to demand something from him than he has from you.
No reason to believe that you have to be like him or more NT like.

He has to understand you and you have to understand him. That's probably pretty hard for both of you, but I guess not impossible.
And if he is just freaking out and leaves then the earlier the better.

I have been in a 9 year relationship and I never felt understood. In the end I wish we would have separated earlier,
or I would have had the insight into being an aspie earlier.
She couldn't stand my traits and kept me from socialising and tells me it is so difficult for her now.
f**k she has no idea what kind of problems I have been going through and still face!

It is pretty normal for an aspie to want to have some attention, because usually you get so little of it.
Although you can influence it quite a bit.

And then there is the thing that aspies set their expectations about what to expect from life down to a level that is much below comfort,
with the consequence that you get into contradictory behaviour. Then you start to hate yourself for that,
because even if you would like to, you cannot express it properly
whilst others will demand still from you to be like them.

Last edited by onks on 30 Aug 2012, 1:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I know it's a polite thing to hold doors open for someone. It just doesn't make sense and I see it as if you want to impress people and make them think you are a good person and it's also to help you feel better about yourself, you do that. That is the only logical thing I see in it. If someone is close by to you and you open the door, it then makes sense to hold it so it won't hit them. But what if they were a distance away and the door wouldn't hit them as it closes? Why wait a few seconds for them to come in? If someone had a stroller or was in a wheelchair and there was no handicap door opener, or they were carrying lot of stuff or something heavy, then it's logical to hold it open for them because it makes it easier for them.

I have opened doors myself with a stroller and some people have got the door for me and I remember to thank them. I even use handicap door openers too if I see one.

I am sure I have been one of those rude people who open a door and wasn't paying attention to their surrounding so she nearly hits someone with it as well.


It be a miracle if the wife came here and talked about her side of the story. Most kids think their mothers are mean to them, most people think someone is a bad parent just because they do their parenting differently than theirs or not do it their way and doesn't follow their standards about it. I have even see some women complain online about their mom in laws thinking of them as bad parents because of how they do their job as a parent. Maybe the wife is abusive because of her meltdowns and anger problems and Qplan maybe pushes her buttons. Not trying to make excuses for her. If he meant that is what she does to the kids, it could be a sensory reaction. I know I tend to slap or throw my son off (Not literally throw him off) when he bites me and I react to it. It's like a tick. If I knew a way to stop it, I would. But when I do think he is going to bite me, I stop him before he even does it. It's a sign for he is tired. He also does it when he is playing but I can't tell the difference so I always assume he is tired and put him to bed. I am sure some people may think of me as a bad parent for this. Some people expect you to be god when you have kids. I don't like hitting my son or throwing him off when he hurts me but it's my natural reaction to pain. If I am not expecting it, it startles me and my body goes to defense mode. I thought that wouldn't happen with a child because everyone says kids are different Those are probably the people that expect you to be god and are holier than thou. I am not sure how NTs react to the pain. I am sure they don't react the way I do. I know my mother once slapped me when I was a baby for biting her on the neck. But she was sleeping so she was not fully awake when it happened. She thought it was some bug so she reacted to the pain. If she knew it was me, she would not have reacted that way.


s for the last question, you asked why can't the converse be true, he is painting all aspies with the same brush. I don't know why he thinks he is qualified to respond to our posts. He knows our views when we say them but he seems to think they are all wrong. I saw how he responded to Lwaxy who is also aspie. If he didn't know she had it, his approach to her may have been totally different unless he is one of those people who accuses anyone of being an aspie when they don't agree with his views or see things his way.

Wow the stuff on that forum is just scary. Ignorance and Hatorade don't mix well.

Sorry to hear about you husband. You may be able to make him to understand with time and persistence, if you have the strength for it.

Well and probably there would have been a non aspie newton and a non aspie einstein.

and definitely they would have had the patience (and craziness) that it took to develop their theories

Her husband cant be that bad. That is almost impossible.
That guy would probably even kill his own children.

Why can't some aspies be aggressive?

Honestly, I don't understand it myself. For the most part, I open the door for people but there are times that I do misjudge the distance they are from the door and I think they are further away than they truthfully are. My wife has fussed at me about this. I usually just apologize just to avoid arguments.

One thing that I hated about this especially when I was younger was I ended up opening the door for multiple people and I didn't know how to socially get out of that. The thing I do is I open it for one person and that's it. Once that person is out I walk off.




What does it mean to pay attention to one's surroundings anyway? My wife has fussed about this with me as well. What exactly am I supposed to pay attention to? Her advice is very ambigious. There is so much in my surroundings. I've seen tiny pebbles on the ground. Am I supposed to notice that? For whatever reason, I can't derive anything further from her.




They are getting divorced and they are both fighting for custody of their children. He apparently lost and he thinks the judge is a female aspie. How does he derive this? Is Qplan a medical professional? I discovered aspergers on my own and suspected I was. I made sure I obtained this diagnosis from a medical professional who specialized in Autism Spectrum Disorders. I discovered it on my own at the age of 29 especially when my wife and I was having major problems. I knew something was wrong. I've always felt something was wrong but this made me even realize in a greater way something was wrong.

There are times that I will use up all of the milk and I forget to replace it. She will get upset about that. I offer to replace it but apparently it is more about the emotions and feelings behind it. She sees it as being inconsiderate to her feelings. I've done some research online and what she is doing is using abstract thinking. Feelings and emotions are abstract concepts. This is how she naturally thinks.

I use concrete thinking. My tendency is to rectify the situation at hand. I would just offer to buy milk. I would solve the issue at hand. If this was reversed and someone drank all of the milk I would want them to replace it. I would want us to make sure we had enough milk. Even after the problem is solved and I buy more milk it still isn't over. It is more about her feelings being hurt. For me, once the problem is solved I feel better.

How do you think on this? What is your thought process?



First, he is committing the fallacy of Hasty Generalization. Second, if we are wrong then will please how us how and why we're wrong? These are the things I would say to him. The question I put here is rethorical meaning this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetorical_question My point is to him to show us all why we are wrong. Honestly, it could be that we are wrong about many different things in life. I can't correct myself, neither can you, nor his wife can correct herself if we do not know where we are wrong and why. My point to him is for him to back up the crap he dishes out.

What baffles me is that the nearest he gets to detailing his problems with her is that she hurt his business because he didn't know she had AS. Could it be that he's a poor communicator whose pride won't let him see how his weakness contributed to his relationship failure? Case dismissed.

Good vs. poor communication is a matter of point of view.

Anybody who thinks the guy communicated well, should have no trouble explaining how business damage could be related to ignorance of AS in a spouse, and how it was reasonable of him to assume that such a link, if one exists, would be obvious to the typical reader. If he had explained the link himself, he would have been using a communication skill that he did not in fact use. Thus, his communication was rather more obscure than it could have been. Perhaps my notion would make more sense to you if I used the words "clear" and "obscure" for "good" and "bad" respectively?

I'm not saying it's his only fault. The way he focusses on his business losses as his main grievance - no talk of his emotions at all. And didn't he want to stop Aspies reproducing, or was that his friends? I think that putting others down on the Web like he did, without even trying to back up their allegations with strong, reasoned evidence, is tacky.

This is only a conjecture that I am making off the cuff. I have no scientific proof of this. I am not defending his behavior one bit. I'm just stating what I think ocurred. First, qplan is more than likely an NT and his wife is more than likely AS. Some NTs have certain needs that other people may not have. Some NTs are more likely to imply things than state things directly. There are certain things he is implying to the other NT members of that forum and certain things are assumed. I do not believe that you, I or his wife or a lot of aspies know what these assumptions are. I believe this is why he is so obscure. Certain knowledge is assumed and implied. Please read Hume's A treatise of human nature. These assumptions come from some NTs neurology and their experiences.

He probably implied that he needed certain things from wife. She didn't read or pick up on this. This fed into his negativity and his drinking. We have a cycle from here. One need of some people is to feel connected. He wanted to feel connected with his wife. Part of this is reading the non-verbal stuff and doing it all times 10. I will try to give an example. There were a few times my wife asked if I knew what time did Office Depot closed. I responded by saying "no, I do not." From my point of view, I was just giving her a response to a literal question she asked me. What she wanted was for me to show that I cared about her and her feelings by offering to look it up or just looking it up without asking. This is so foreign and alien to me that I slip up sometimes. This is probably one type of incident of many that happened between qplan and his wife.

One thing that helped me was that I had access to my wife's email so I was able to obtain this information when she was speaking to other NT women who had aspie husbands. I was able to read the conversations she had with other NT women. It was a very enlightening experience and I was able to read and analyze NT women's thoughts especially my wife's and to know what I was doing wrong. I understood what I was dealing with now and I was able to modify my behavior.



Here is the thing. I could be wrong but I believe he was venting his emotions but it was in a non-verbal and implied way. I don't think he was trying to prove anything. I don't think he was thinking with reason, logic, or trying to obtain strong, reasoned evidence at all. I think he was just venting a lot of crap.

I'm familiar with the strong human desire to have our emotional needs met without our having to spell things out, in relationships.


You mean when a man says his AS wife hurt his business, NTs automatically know how she did that?


So his drinking ruined his business? If he had a drink problem, he's likely to have been pretty insensitive to his wife.


I think that kind of thing happens to NT couples all the time. It's often unconscious.

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I don't think I would have enjoyed such a route to enlightenment. Criticism of me, which isn't phrased with my sensitivities in mind, would probably just make me feel dissed. If only people would just say what's up, in a bite-sized kind of way, I think that could get things moving a lot faster.


I think he was just trying to get reinforcement for his own prejudices, and he got it from people who conveniently didn't ask about the real situation. I think it gets a little dangerous when a group of people are egging each other on in the belief that Aspies should be labelled as a liability in relationships. When somebody vents their spleen it can get very ugly, and we're all human, but I don't see how it's ever appropriate to echo hate, unless war is the desired result.