Overwhelmed by simple everyday things.

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I've always found myself getting overwhelmed by simple everyday things that most people don't seem to struggle with. As much as I hate admitting it, taking care of my hygiene is a constant struggle. I won't go into detail about how bad I used to be, but I have taken a lot of baby steps to try to improve things and to stick to them for the most part. However, even though I've been able to stick to improved habits for many months or even years, I still find myself overwhelmed by the increased effort that I'm putting into my hygiene. Like it's really not normal to dread the thought of having to brush my teeth twice a day for the rest of my life and I still can't manage to floss most of the time.

I feel like these problems are caused by a combination of issues that probably consist of constant fatigue from chronic illness, executive dysfunction, and sensory overload. In relation to the last one I think that certain activities such as showering and brushing my teeth might be providing too much sensory stimulus. The stimulus isn't necessarily bad, at least not in the moment, but even pleasant sensory stimulus can cause feelings of being overwhelmed and increased fatigue if there's too much of it.

Another part of the equation I think is just my abnormal perception of time. Time just goes way too damn fast for me. I know everyone experiences time going faster as they get older, but I'm still fairly young, and for the past several years time has just sped up to the point where it has almost no meaning. A week feels like a day or two to me, so if I have to do something even once a week, like piling the garbage by the front door(my sister actually takes it out), it feels like I'm doing it all the time. A month feels more like a week to me, and a year feels like it passes in the space of one season. It's just way too fast and I need it to slow down but I can't make it slow down.

So yeah, there are definitely still things I want to improve about myself, but I'm already feeling overwhelmed and stressed on a daily basis just with what I'm currently doing. It just feels like there's no room to move forward if I constantly dread and feel overwhelmed by simple stuff. It's even effecting my ability to prepare food for myself. I really can't manage anything overly complicated or that requires a lot of work including clean up time. Some days I can't manage more than a bowl of cereal and there are times when I can't even do that and just go hungry. There are some days when I feel like I should have in home assistance for food preparation and housework that I just can't handle, but that would be really awkward I think while still living with family.

Same. I have concluded that when you are different you have to do things differently. I bumped into something recently that suggested specifically not to listen to the media that suggests you push hard and give 110%, reason being? Being disabled is hard. Take breaks when you need them. People will push you no matter what it seems, you have to stick up for your own self-care. And yeah I struggle with brushing teeth twice daily too, I settle for mouthwash. Don't want to cook? make sure I've got easy stuff around to munch on that is kind of healthy. You don't need to be perfect at everything. Don't know about you but I see my faults more often than I recognize my talents, strengths, and goodness. But I've got plenty of the latter. Bet you do too

yeah, i am 34. and lately, feel like getting even more dysfunctional. to think, that when i was 22, flunked out 4th year structural engineering. what? only civil and mechanical engineers need to know structural engineering, and only while they are at work. unless someone lives in the wild, or is completely reclusive, everyone needs social interaction. even if someone is living in the wild, everyone needs Axis 5: Global Area Functioning.

and yes, got fired from a couple minimum jobs. fine. whatever. plenty of neurotypicals get fired. sometimes, it's the former employee's fault for getting fired. for example, incompetence and rule breaking. sometimes it's the employer's fault. for example, lgbt discrimination. and sometimes, it is neither one's fault.

but seriously? lately, things have been "As Good As it Gets." nobody and nothing bothered me, with the exception of obsessing over the distant past. no school, no work. very little homophobia. no symptoms. but even things like riding the bus. standard everyday noises seem too loud. traffic, cell phones. too many distractions. and too many things happening.

and if i cope this badly when things are going as good as it gets, then sooner or later things will get much worse. and i will cope much worse correspondingly.

besides, i am also getting worse with coping as i age.

and suspect it has to do with the fact that i got a BA at age 24. so it's been 10 years since i did anything full time. with the exception of a couple of jobs, that fired my worthless corpse. and it's only getting worse.

@sun.flower 110% Oh goodness no. I gave up on that after leaving elementary school. 70-80% would be nice though... It's been a very long time since I used mouthwash. I don't think I ever used any brand other than Listerine, and I definitely wouldn't be able to tolerate that stuff at this point in my life. To think when I was younger I would hold that stuff in my mouth as long as I could just because I thought it was funny when my mouth eventually went numb. On that note I also used to enjoy making my limbs fall asleep. Why did I ever think that felt good? Anyway, I'm really not sure if there are any mouthwashes out there that I'd be able to tolerate. I can't even use regular toothpaste, partly because I need to avoid fluoride, but also because they tend to leave awful aftertastes in my mouth, and if my mouth feels less clean after brushing my teeth, then there is absolutely no motivation to do it. Maybe there are some more natural mouthwashes I'd be able to handle, but it may be quite some time before I have the energy to look into it.

I also don't feel like anyone is really pushing me but me, and sometimes doctors who I don't listen to if I feel they're being unreasonable. I think part of the reason why my level of hygiene used to be much worse than it currently is, is because no one really noticed how bad it was, or if they did, they never said anything because they didn't want to offend or upset me. I was even able to fool my old dental hygienist into thinking I took much better care of my teeth than I actually did because for about a week before a check up I'd brush and floss a lot more and then I'd get rid of much more plaque buildup than most of the people she saw. The only time I ever got an inkling that someone had unvoiced thoughts was when I saw my mental health file after needing a copy of my records for insurance reasons. One therapist had described me as "dishevelled" which really doesn't even have anything to do with my actual hygiene, just my appearance. I never brought it up or asked for clarification. I assume it mostly had to do with the fact that I dress in clothing that's not much nicer than pjs and my clothes usually have wrinkles in them because I'd never have the energy to iron them or put them away properly(I actually just put the majority of my clothes away in drawers for the first time in several years a few weeks back and my sister stared at me like I'd grown another head). Or maybe it was because my hair often looks messy even when I actually brush it, which I often only do when leaving the house, because I prefer the natural look, so I never get it cut and it's all uneven and shaggy. Anyway, the point is, that I probably would have been more motivated to take care of my hygiene and possibly even my appearance if I thought that the people in my life even noticed or cared how bad it was. If no one noticed or cared, then it didn't really feel like it mattered. Now I'm motivated to do better more because I know I'll be more comfortable and avoid certain health issues than if I let these things lapse again, but it doesn't mean that I don't hate it.

I probably need more marginally healthy stuff around to snack on. Most of it I wouldn't really call that healthy. Maybe the granola bars are okay, but they tend to not get eaten as much if there's other stuff around that I'd rather be eating. There are almonds in the house which I like, but I can only eat those in small quantities unless I want very painful stomach aches later. Honestly, cereal is probably healthier than most of the easy snack food that's around the house, but it just generally doesn't feel that great on the days where it accounts for 2 or 3 of my meals. Since I live with other people, I only have so much say in what food enters the house and it's harder to avoid eating the bad stuff once it's in your home than it is to resist buying it to begin with in many cases.

I feel like it would be easier to accept it if I can't make any more progress if I was actually feeling like I was tolerating the amount that I'm currently doing more and more, but I'm not tolerating it more. It just feels harder as more time goes by, and I wonder how long it will take me to fall apart and lapse back into my old habits. I know it sounds really negative but it seems to be a recurring pattern with me. The last time I tried to work, they started me out with 8 hours a week thinking I'd build up a tolerance and then they could increase my hours. The opposite happened and I was doing worse and worse the longer I worked there until I couldn't do it any more. A similar thing happens if I'm pushed too much in PT. I'll deteriorate and then not even cutting back will help and I'll just keep getting worse until I stop altogether to give myself time to recover. Maybe if someone else was responsible for things like my meals and my laundry, it would be easier for me to just focus on basic hygiene without feeling overwhelmed.

@shortfatbalduglyman Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you got further in life than I ever did. I never managed more than an Associates degree in General Studies and it took me five years to even do that. I never really did well in a traditional school setting and I don't think I even wanted to go to college. I just went because I needed to stay on my father's insurance and at the time you need to be disabled or a student to do that. Eventually I was able to do the disabled thing with the insurance. Once I graduated I wasn't even proud of my accomplishment. I just felt relieved that it was over. Maybe if I could have figured out something I actually wanted to do with my life that I was actually capable of doing, I would have enjoyed school more. All the dreams I had were much better in theory than in practice.

I also know what you mean about the good as it gets thing. Objectively, things probably aren't that bad right now, and there are some potentially positive things on the horizon as far as being able to get more help. I'm still coping terribly now as far as being overstimulated goes. Some situations I can handle better than others, and with some the anticipation is worse than the reality, but telling myself that it probably won't be that bad doesn't help stop the anxiety. I mean today I was stressing after I found out about a block party on my street that will be happening in August. My sister said that no one was forcing me to go, but I was like I'm definitely not going, but I don't even want it happening in my vicinity. I don't want to hear any noise from the party whether it be music playing outside or just people talking loudly. In addition to the potential sensory overload, I just disapprove of these things on general principal because they'll be setting up grills and tables in the middle of the street which will make it difficult if not impossible for vehicles to get through(the same reason I hate parades and street fairs). And last time one of these things happened, one neighbor had his Rottweiler out in the middle of the street without a leash which is against the law no matter how well behaved the dog is. I just really want it not to happen and for everyone else to go bowling or something. So yeah, if I'm coping so terribly now, I shudder to think how much I'm going to deteriorate as I get older.

Ugh, sorry for the long replies. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to say everything I want to say more concisely.

Similar to something someone has said, personally I'm finding myself getting more dysfunctional in these tasks than I previously was. Before recently, I think I made these things so firmly part of my routine that the need to do them "came from within" because they almost were part of my asperger-driven routine and need to do the same things at the same times every day. That can be very useful, to have these tasks actually become what you "need" to have happen.

After relatively recent upheaval and trauma I went through, all of that got profoundly messed up for me and things have not been the same since. I lost all my routines and it became a vicious cycle -- the loss caused me profound stress, the profound stress caused me not to be able to regain a grip on the routines I needed --- and around and around. I'm still struggling now to get a handle back on all of this stuff, because it continues to negatively impact my mental health NOT to do these things in a regular manner anymore, yet it's my poor mental health lately that keeps me from caring. I can't win for losing.

I know what you mean about routine. Unfortunately I don't have too much of set routines. I have a set routine for the morning, which is mainly just to try to help combat my severe noise sensitivity. If I didn't have that, I doubt I'd have a morning routine. Brushing my teeth is definitely part of that routine, but if I forget to do it when I go to the bathroom after getting up(often because I'm barely awake) then it just doesn't happen. I don't eat breakfast until mid to late morning and tend to graze on my breakfast slowly, so that by the time I'm done, it's too close to lunch to really be worth doing. I only started actually brushing my teeth in the morning when I was told by a hygienist that it would give me some benefit even if I did it before breakfast, which seems odd to me, but if it helps me have less cavities, then I should try to do it.

Other than the morning routine, I have certain things that I do at set times or certain days of the week, like taking meds, showering, or gathering up the garbage, but a large part of my day is unstructured. I've always felt like I need a lot of "down time" to help combat anxiety and depression. So I spend a lot of time doing whatever leisure activities I'm in the mood for.

Then sometimes my shower schedule will get messed up because I just don't feel well enough to shower on a particular night. I don't shower everyday and never have, and I think that's more about how I was raised than the Asperger's and chronic illness, though I doubt I could handle doing it everyday even if I wanted to. Basically no one in my house showers everyday. I was taught that it's unnecessary and bad for your skin/hair, unless you're actively getting sweaty and dirty on a daily basis. So people in my family tend to just shower whenever they feel they need it rather than doing it everyday. Since I've started taking baby steps to improve myself, I set out specific nights three days a week to shower(which is actually more frequent than at least two family members I live with) and if I miss a night, often I can't just make myself do it the next night and will wait for the next scheduled night.

There are other chores that I have the same issue with, where if I'm not up to doing it on the specific day that I have set for that chore, then it often goes undone until I'm actually up to doing it on the specific set day of the week. I had an occupational therapist write up a schedule trying to outline my day even though a large part of it is unstructured. She thought this would help me add in more things to my schedule, but every time she suggested adding more chores to the schedule, I would just say that I couldn't handle adding anything else to do on a weekly basis until I can get past the point where doing what I'm already doing feels overwhelming and exhausting. I don't know what, if any, type of professional could help me with this, or if I should just accept my limitations and stop trying to push myself to improve myself further.

At least I made a helpful discovery last night. A few months ago I decided to actually start filing my nails to make them look nice rather than just tearing off the excess when they get too long(which sometimes resulted in bleeding), but it would be so difficult to make myself do it because it would take me about an hour. I had no idea if it was just me or if it took everyone that long but it would suck because my hands would cramp up so badly. At least it was something I can do while watching tv. Then I made the discovery that it actually matters a lot what type of nail file you use. I had been using really cheap nail files that you'd get from dollar stores and the latest one I purchased was so bad that it had worn out beyond usefulness before I'd even finished filing my nails one time. Then I found an old Revlon nail file that hadn't been used in a long time and I was able to file my nails about 10 times faster and it didn't look any worse for wear after using it. So it's one of those things that's probably worth paying more for if it will make the task a lot easier. Maybe I just need to find ways to make other tasks easier than they currently are, but that's easier said than done.

You might try making prioritized lists of stuff you need to do.
Perhaps lists for daily, weekly, and monthly. Cross stuff out as you do them.
I find it helps to have visual clues as to what I need to do.

You might also keep a list of stuff like the nail file issue in which stuff seems to be harder than it should and maybe you should work on making it easier or better as time allows.

I've been studying what sort of very low lactose cheeses I can eat.

I have tried lists and visual cues like signs before and I always found their effectiveness to be limited for one reason or another. There is a list of stuff that I would like help with making it easier/less painful, but back when I had home occupational therapy, they really weren't able to come up with any simple solutions and said it really went beyond the scope of what they were able to do for me. I think sometimes I'm not always aware that something is harder than it needs to be. Like I figured out the nail file thing by accident. I did ask family members if it was normal for it to take an hour to file your nails and they had no idea because they all like their nails long and these days I prefer them to be as short as possible.

Honestly, I don't think the feeling of being overwhelmed by simple everyday stuff really comes so much from not being organized and not having lists of stuff that I need to do, though that might be a smaller component. It's much more that I don't have enough mental and physical energy. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted everyday by what I'm already doing, and if I can't fix that, then I can't really pile anything more on. I already feel at risk of falling apart from exhaustion, and I wish I knew how to fix it.

Cheese is always good and I hope you find some that you can both tolerate and enjoy.

You may need to make time to enjoy a special interest. An activity you find interesting can actually give you more energy, rather than take up energy.

I am lucky enough to have a big yard with lots of flowering plants--there is something blooming half the year. And it is good that it doesn't bloom all year round, so I get a vacation from working outdoors on the plants.

A great deal of my time is spent doing leisure activities because often it's the only thing keeping depression and anxiety at manageable levels, though it doesn't always work. I can't really say any of these activities are giving me energy. Perhaps the problem is that I don't really currently have anything I'm passionate about, I'm just trying to pass the time. I guess there have been times in the past if I was truly passionate about something then I'd feel more energetic when doing those things. However, I think it's unhealthy on some level because if I'm enjoying something that much, then I throw myself into it so hard that I eventually burn out and can't do it any more. I find that I have a great deal of trouble with moderation.

Maybe I'd be happier if I had something to do that I was passionate about, but I find that can be very hard to come by. If I lose the passion for an activity that I once loved, or if I just can't do it any more for whatever reason, it can take years before I find something else that I enjoy on that level again. So yeah, I agree you make a good point, but it's easier said than done.

kythe:


@shortfatbalduglyman Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you got further in life than I ever did. I never managed more than an Associates degree in General Studies and it took me five years to even do that. I never really did well in a traditional school setting and I don't think I even wanted to go to college. I just went because I needed to stay on my father's insurance and at the time you need to be disabled or a student to do that. Eventually I was able to do the disabled thing with the insurance. Once I graduated I wasn't even proud of my accomplishment. I just felt relieved that it was over. Maybe if I could have figured out something I actually wanted to do with my life that I was actually capable of doing, I would have enjoyed school more. All the dreams I had were much better in theory than in practice.

I also know what you mean about the good as it gets thing. Objectively, things probably aren't that bad right now, and there are some potentially positive things on the horizon as far as being able to get more help. I'm still coping terribly now as far as being overstimulated goes. Some situations I can handle better than others, and with some the anticipation is worse than the reality, but telling myself that it probably won't be that bad doesn't help stop the anxiety. I mean today I was stressing after I found out about a block party on my street that will be happening in August. My sister said that no one was forcing me to go, but I was like I'm definitely not going, but I don't even want it happening in my vicinity. I don't want to hear any noise from the party whether it be music playing outside or just people talking loudly. In addition to the potential sensory overload, I just disapprove of these things on general principal because they'll be setting up grills and tables in the middle of the street which will make it difficult if not impossible for vehicles to get through(the same reason I hate parades and street fairs). And last time one of these things happened, one neighbor had his Rottweiler out in the middle of the street without a leash which is against the law no matter how well behaved the dog is. I just really want it not to happen and for everyone else to go bowling or something. So yeah, if I'm coping so terribly now, I shudder to think how much I'm going to deteriorate as I get older.
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it does not make me feel better for you to tell me you got an Associates degree in 5 years. plenty of autistics got graduate degrees in STEM, from better schools than me. and plenty of autistics did not get Bachelors degrees. everyone is in a different situation, so it does not make sense to compare them. it ain't no competition. having said that, my precious lil "parents" are chinese. and the chinese way is to tell a child that another chinese child got a phd in electrical engineering, and why aren't you like that. but that is okay. that is not illegal. they were just doing what they knew how to do. whatever.

having a lower level of education does not guarantee that did not get as far at life as me. life has many components. academic intelligence is just one of them. besides, Steve Jobs did not get a Bachelors degree, and look how vocationally competent steve jobs was.

life has many components: academic intelligence, vocational competence, emotions, finances, relationships. something like relationships, you can't objectively measure.

besides, what if you did not get as far in life as me? there is only one of you and only one of me. there are plenty of autistics and neurotypicals that got much further in life than me.

when i got my diagnosis i was 21. in the united states, where i live, clients have to get diagnosed before age 18, to get services from the Regional Center. thus, i do not qualify. nor will i ever qualify. as a result, help ain't on the horizon. at least, not in the form of social service agencies. government bureaucracy.

unless a private party decides to "help", help ain't on the way. and precious lil "people" act so innocent. they do the slightest thing and they want a Purple Heart award for "helping people". precious lil "people", most of the time, act like they are absolutely important, funny, cute, worldly, wise, academically smart, morally innocent.

yeah i am afraid of dogs. not just rottweilers. last year some idiot's off leash dog bit me. and that idiot was just sitting there, like he never did nothing wrong.

when i lived on campus, there was at least one activity that involved noise so loud that i could hear it in my apartment. but the other days, that did not happen. yeah i did not like it either. but it does not happen often, and not for a long time either. right now, i do not live somewhere too crowded. thus no block parties or parades.

residents where i live mostly keep to themselves. plenty of below the poverty line racial minorities. such as myself. not many college kids.

but anyways block parties last only one day or so. so whatever.

Fair enough. I suppose I could have chosen my words better, but I think by now I've become used to my point getting lost because what seems very clear to me in my speech is not always so to those I'm talking to and I'm at a loss as to how to fix it. I meant that I didn't get as far academically, which I think would be an accurate thing to say, and I guess I should have specifically stated that, because I don't know you well enough to know about all the other areas of your life. Though, I'm not even sure if there was much point in clarifying that. Based on some of the other points you made, it might be rather moot.

As for your parents trying to compare you to others career wise, I can relate a little to that. I developed fibromyalgia several years before I knew I was on the spectrum. In a way, fibromyalgia is on a spectrum too because there are some people that have it very mildly and can function more or less okay with some extra meds, and then there are others that are so ill that they're bedridden. I have a fairly bad case that's left me mostly homebound, but I'm not bedridden. Because my family didn't really understand this, I was seen as lazy and resented because of my limitations just because they knew people with fibromyalgia that were able to work full time. I think I got more understanding and acceptance once we all learned that there was the Asperger's stuff on top of it, but it still hurts that I needed an additional diagnosis to be taken seriously.

I live in the United States too. I don't recall the exact age I was when diagnosed with Asperger's but I was definitely older than 21, though perhaps only by a few years. To clarify, I say that only as a matter of fact and not because I'm trying to imply that my situation is worse because I was diagnosed latter than you were. Actually, I have no idea when I was diagnosed because I only found out after specifically asking a therapist if she thought I had Asperger's and she said I did and assumed I was aware of it because it was in my records. So yeah, no idea who made the diagnosis or when or why they didn't feel the need to tell me about it, but I didn't find out about it until sometime in my early to mid 20s.

I share your frustrations that most of the resources out there are only for children because it's not our fault that we didn't find out when we were younger and it's pure and simple age discrimination. I don't know what state you live in, but it might be worth some further investigation to see if there are any resources for adults that you might have missed. I mean I'm sure you've looked into it, but it's only fairly recently that I'm finding out about a lot of stuff that I didn't even know existed. Where I live there is something called an Adult Autism Waiver which can help fund services not covered by insurance. Unfortunately it's kind of a joke in the sense that it's so underfunded that you can be waiting three years just to get an application, but maybe I'll get on that program someday. Then someone pointed me towards a more general program in my state called the Independence waiver and that has a much shorter wait time and it's what I've just been approved for. No idea yet how much they'll be able to help me, but I hope they'll be able to improve my situation in some way. Then I just found out a few days ago of yet another adult autism program that I think is supposed to sort of be like additional health insurance beyond medical assistance. I think they do other stuff too, but I'm not clear on the details. One thing that stood out to me is that I'd be able to get some coverage for glasses which you can't get on regular medical assistance past 21, so it's something I'm definitely going to look into. Maybe you really have left no stone unturned, but I do hope that there's something out there for you.

I'm not just afraid of dogs, I actually kind of hate them and think they're disgusting for a number of reasons. The noise they make is a major trigger for me and I have neighbors that don't give a damn that they're negatively affecting my health and refuse to train their dogs not to bark at every little thing. I've even been woken up by them at 4am before. Then even if a dog is perfectly behaved and silent, I still wouldn't want them anywhere near me or my things because I get grossed out by the slobber if they lick you and even their wet noses touching me disgusts me. Sometimes they also smell revolting and leave their fur everywhere. Yeah, I just pretty much don't want dogs anywhere near me and I can't tell you how much it pisses me off that I choose not to live with dogs, but I still have to deal with them invading my personal space with their noise. I guess it's a good thing we don't live in a country where it's common for people to bring their dogs everywhere including stores and restaurants.

I can only imagine the frustrations with living on campus. My noise sensitivity didn't really get severe until I was done with college, but since I only did community college living on campus was never an option. When I looked into the possibility of transferring to a four year school, and was even accepted to one I was interested in going to, I came to the fast conclusion that I wouldn't be able to handle living in a dorm for a number of other reasons. I never did end up going to that school for several reasons, but the living situation was definitely a factor.

Dogs are a big issue for me too.

I like walking up on the hills close by and taking in the view but dogs have put me off leaving the house because there's too many owners who have no control over them. I'll be just minding my own business but there's always one that will just start going crazy at me for doing nothing more than walking past whilst trying to ignore it.

I had two little dogs last year circling around me in a field going absolutely mental and the owner was screaming at them to stop, I couldn't deal with it, I stopped and put my hands to my face like I was in pain, the woman said "They won't hurt you" but that wasn't the problem, I was out for a quiet walk and now I was in the middle of total chaos and I ended up shouting at them to leave me the f*** alone. I haven't been up there since and I still think about it often and worry about seeing them again on the way to the shops or something. I wish I hadn't reacted but it was just ridiculous, it seemed to go on for ever, I was walking away from them but they kept following me and circling me and ignoring the owner, they only stopped when I shouted at them.

There's one next door to me now that barks every time I take the rubbish out or go out to clip the bushes and trees. The owner speaks to it like its' a baby, she tells it to stop but it takes no notice of her and she ends up having to usher it back into the house.

Ugh, I feel for you. The thing that people don't understand, is that their dogs can hurt someone just by barking at them. It is physically painful for me, and if I was physically close to the dogs like that it would have been severely emotionally distressing as well. I mean obviously no one is going to know what my issues are but no one should be allowed to own a dog if they can't properly control them and that means no barking unless someone is actively threatening them/their owner or if there's like a fire or something.

Dogs are okay, but cats are my favorite animals. I'm a small person, so large dogs could knock me over. Little ankle nippers can be a pain, too. I don't trust people who train their dogs to be mean. Usually, the people are nasty, too. I like cats because they spontaneously do things that entertain me. Dog videos bore me because they're usually full of dogs doing tricks specifically scripted by their owners. Cats invent their own entertainment.

Fair enough. I suppose I could have chosen my words better, but I think by now I've become used to my point getting lost because what seems very clear to me in my speech is not always so to those I'm talking to and I'm at a loss as to how to fix it. I meant that I didn't get as far academically, which I think would be an accurate thing to say, and I guess I should have specifically stated that, because I don't know you well enough to know about all the other areas of your life. Though, I'm not even sure if there was much point in clarifying that. Based on some of the other points you made, it might be rather moot.

As for your parents trying to compare you to others career wise, I can relate a little to that. I developed fibromyalgia several years before I knew I was on the spectrum. In a way, fibromyalgia is on a spectrum too because there are some people that have it very mildly and can function more or less okay with some extra meds, and then there are others that are so ill that they're bedridden. I have a fairly bad case that's left me mostly homebound, but I'm not bedridden. Because my family didn't really understand this, I was seen as lazy and resented because of my limitations just because they knew people with fibromyalgia that were able to work full time. I think I got more understanding and acceptance once we all learned that there was the Asperger's stuff on top of it, but it still hurts that I needed an additional diagnosis to be taken seriously.

I live in the United States too. I don't recall the exact age I was when diagnosed with Asperger's but I was definitely older than 21, though perhaps only by a few years. To clarify, I say that only as a matter of fact and not because I'm trying to imply that my situation is worse because I was diagnosed latter than you were. Actually, I have no idea when I was diagnosed because I only found out after specifically asking a therapist if she thought I had Asperger's and she said I did and assumed I was aware of it because it was in my records. So yeah, no idea who made the diagnosis or when or why they didn't feel the need to tell me about it, but I didn't find out about it until sometime in my early to mid 20s.

I share your frustrations that most of the resources out there are only for children because it's not our fault that we didn't find out when we were younger and it's pure and simple age discrimination. I don't know what state you live in, but it might be worth some further investigation to see if there are any resources for adults that you might have missed. I mean I'm sure you've looked into it, but it's only fairly recently that I'm finding out about a lot of stuff that I didn't even know existed. Where I live there is something called an Adult Autism Waiver which can help fund services not covered by insurance. Unfortunately it's kind of a joke in the sense that it's so underfunded that you can be waiting three years just to get an application, but maybe I'll get on that program someday. Then someone pointed me towards a more general program in my state called the Independence waiver and that has a much shorter wait time and it's what I've just been approved for. No idea yet how much they'll be able to help me, but I hope they'll be able to improve my situation in some way. Then I just found out a few days ago of yet another adult autism program that I think is supposed to sort of be like additional health insurance beyond medical assistance. I think they do other stuff too, but I'm not clear on the details. One thing that stood out to me is that I'd be able to get some coverage for glasses which you can't get on regular medical assistance past 21, so it's something I'm definitely going to look into. Maybe you really have left no stone unturned, but I do hope that there's something out there for you.

I'm not just afraid of dogs, I actually kind of hate them and think they're disgusting for a number of reasons. The noise they make is a major trigger for me and I have neighbors that don't give a damn that they're negatively affecting my health and refuse to train their dogs not to bark at every little thing. I've even been woken up by them at 4am before. Then even if a dog is perfectly behaved and silent, I still wouldn't want them anywhere near me or my things because I get grossed out by the slobber if they lick you and even their wet noses touching me disgusts me. Sometimes they also smell revolting and leave their fur everywhere. Yeah, I just pretty much don't want dogs anywhere near me and I can't tell you how much it pisses me off that I choose not to live with dogs, but I still have to deal with them invading my personal space with their noise. I guess it's a good thing we don't live in a country where it's common for people to bring their dogs everywhere including stores and restaurants.

I can only imagine the frustrations with living on campus. My noise sensitivity didn't really get severe until I was done with college, but since I only did community college living on campus was never an option. When I looked into the possibility of transferring to a four year school, and was even accepted to one I was interested in going to, I came to the fast conclusion that I wouldn't be able to handle living in a dorm for a number of other reasons. I never did end up going to that school for several reasons, but the living situation was definitely a factor.
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that is okay. a lot of the times, i phrase statements awkwardly too. sometimes, my thoughts are so conceptual, unusual, seemingly unrelated, or peculiar, that it takes a lot of skill to explain it adequately. and, even if i did explain it adequately, then what? the listener might not hear it or comprehend it. sometimes they think they understand and they do not. including counselors, especially counselors.

besides, what if they heard, understood, cared (in a positive way), and believed it, then what? whooptie do then. well.

b/c the precious lil "people" that i interact with do not have political power, except from voting and going to political protests. they can't set laws or do anything like that. so what is so great about them anyways? sometimes it just feels like it takes way too much energy to explain anything to anyone.

according to your post, you did not get as far academically as me. thus far. in that you got an Associates and i got a Bachelors. but the bachelors is just in cognitive science, not in an STEM subject. and the bachelors is not a graduate degree. and it ain't from an ivy league school or anything. plenty of autistics are much more educated than me.

besides, what's so great about being educated? my cousin (about 33 years old) got a BS in Aerospace Engineering and was unemployed or underemployed 10 years. he still lives at home.

and, for a long time, i felt profoundly ashamed about not being academically smart enough. but, academic intelligence sometimes does not suffice, for the purpose of earning enough $$ to live off of.

meanwhile the previous licensed clinical social worker did not (in my biased perspective) appear the slightest bit academically smart. she did not know what a CPA, percent body fat, sole proprietor was. she did not know how to say "excuse me?". seriously her amount of wisdom was more justified for a teenager, than for someone with a masters degree. she had a big ego. then she acted like she was morally superior to me. and she expected me to believe anything she said. she did not let me disagree with her. even with vague, subjective statements that had no functional implication whatsoever. seriously, she ought to get her high school diploma revoked.

california

the director of Computer Technology Program told me to go to the Independent Living Center. and i did. no resources. then a woman from an autism society (don't remember which one) told me that she would ask the director about resources for clients diagnosed after 18 and get back to me. she did not get back to me.

and i have done a lot of research.

likewise the city that i live in does not have much money either.

dogs are just dogs. while i fear dogs, i do not hate them. maybe they do not know better. but i do hate their owners. self-important precious lil "people" that act like "i didn't bite you; my off leash dog bit you!". but in any event there is a leash law, and it's the owners fault for breaking it, not the dog's.

living on college was way too much of an emotional rollercoaster for me. on the positive side, everything was convenient. and i do mean everything: classes, dining halls, campus activities. on the negative side, some things were too convenient. other freshmen. extroverts. neurotypicals. making so much noise. partying. 18 year old shenanigans. it's like their metabolism was too high or something.

at this point, i would not go back to any sort of dormitory living situation, unless physically forced.