Eye contact... Trying to learn it, unable to maintain it...

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When I started attending job interviews, I realised that eye contact was a big (although to some people natural non concerning) factor in how you come accross.

I then tried to learn to make eye contact and maintain it etc... However it feels like I'm staring, instead of just making eye contact...

Anyway, today I noticed someone I was talking to making eye contact with me during a conversation, and in comparison, my eye contact is awful and almost non existent. I just can't seem to maintain it. It just isnt natural to me.

I'm not diagnosed with an ASD but this and another problem I'm having is really causing me a lot of problems with how I feel negatively.

So I guess I'm just sharing and hope you'll share your experience too?

I make eye contact very rarely. People I work with have gotten used to it, but for an interview people make quick judgments. Try to make eye contact during key points of the conversation to show that you understand the importance of whatever it is. But don't keep contact too long - if the other person looks away you should look away too.

If it's a real problem for you, as it is for me, just don't bother too much about it. Try to give other cues that you're listening intently, like leaning forward slightly, nodding at the right time (but not too much!) etc. Worrying about it just makes you look more nervous and gives the wrong impression.

I tend to look at people's mouths and sometimes their nose. If I do manage to hit their eye it's only for a split second before I look away again.

Funnily enough, recently we had to interview pretend patients (actors), and they gave us feedback afterwards. All my actors told me I made "Good eye contact", even though I never once actually looked them in the eye. The general face region, plus other 'nonverbal' cues that indicate I'm listening seem to be enough to make them think I'm making appropriate eye contact.

And if I ever get called out on it, I either say "yeah, my ears are blocked at the moment, so I have to look at your mouth" or "I'm the kind of person who needs to look away a little to really concentrate on what you're saying." The latter is courtesy of Tony Attwood. It all works, you've just got to come across as confident.

When I am talking to someone and I do look at them, I usually focus on their mouth. I also tend to look around the room during the conversation.

There have only been two people who have commented on it. One asked me why I hardly ever made eye contact. I told a friend after I discovered AS that I already knew I had issues with eye contact. She said she noticed that....

I'm kinda curious how often people notice that I don't look directly into their eyes but just don't comment on it.

I went through a phase where I tried hard to make proper eye contact. I've since learned that I'll never be happy doing that. Now I basically never even try to do it unless I absolutely have to.

I enjoy looking to eyes if it's some cute girl and really pleasant to look at~

But outside of that, I really hate when talking to people and they are just staring at me...
I usually lose my train of thoughts if I notice myself staring at their eyes and they at mine.
Feels creepy when their eyes aren't moving at all... O_____O

I kinda fail at eye contact, makes me severely uncomfortable and hard to focus.

Im an epic failure when it comes to eye contact.

I have some advice for you. I didn't discover that people were supposed to make lots of eye contact while talking until I was in my late 20s - I had never done it, and no one had ever told me I was supposed to! And when I found out I had to fix it in a hurry because I found myself in a job in which it was a necessity to "connect" with customers and establish trust with them. I was almost fired before someone gently took me aside and explained what the problem was and why I was so horrible at doing that (well, there were multiple AS-related problems, but not making eye contact was the biggest).

Apparently, the normal amount of eye contact to make is about half time time during a regular conversation, or two-thirds or three-quarters of the time when conversing with someone close to you or having a more personal or intimate conversation. I found this statistic alarming because I knew I didn't have a hope of doing anything like this. If I am looking at someone's eyes there is an information overload and I'm unable to concentrate on understanding what they are saying or formulating a response. Looking at other parts of their face isn't something that works very well for me either - it's not as bad but still distracting.

I did develop something which worked though. I would wait for a pause in the conversation, then deliberately look into the person's eyes (they were usually looking at me, waiting for eye contact) and give them a warm smile, before looking away again and resuming the conversation. Doing it was an effort and difficult to remember and I would have trouble keeping it up for long periods, but it worked. The other person seemed to think they had made a connection with me and would always relax and seem far more comfortable. The smile is extremely important (assuming a smile is appropriate and the conversation is friendly of course). A simple glance without expression is better than nothing but does not give them any information about you or your mood and a NT person will still be left uncomfortable. However, a smile is a gesture of friendliness, confidence, assurance that you are enjoying their company and conversation and paying attention to what they say, and makes that very small amount of eye contact count enough and convey enough of what they are looking for that you can carry quite a long conversation on just a few of them and the NT person will probably be perfectly happy. It's especially important to be able to convey that you are paying attention and are able to make a gesture of confidence in a job interview. Even if you're nervous, smile!

After I started doing this I found that people began warming to me in a way they never had before, and while I was still very socially awkward, people seemed to "get" me better (that is, they worked out that I was a genuine and friendly person who was a bit awkward, rather than someone who was stuck up or sullen or weird). It makes a big difference.

I've finally made it to the point where I get actually make and maintain eye contact with people I don't know but boy does it feel awkward and unnatural. On this subject, nothing gets me more angry than those who say lack of eye contact is a sign of a liar. Have these morons even met a liar? I have and they are usually EXPERTS at eye contact! Maybe I'm strange but my GF never makes eye contact even when we are alone and close to each other but I never for a second doubted that she is an extremely honest girl, even subconsciously.

Don't.

Instead of making eye contact, maintain contact with their eyebrows.

It works wonders.

I am wondering exactly what "Make and maintain eye contact" means to you. It would be difficult even for an NT to do it and not look like they are staring. I think this may be one of those things that gets lost in translation.. or is taken literally or too literally. Making eye contact... it is really more about looking at someones face. And maintaining it is about looking at different parts of their face and doing what the others said about leaning in and smiling. Although your actual eyes will meet with theirs as you look at their face it is not so much about looking right in the eyeballs. If you are having a deep heavy passionate conversation with someone you may look directly in the eyeballs and if you are with your significant other you would do that from time to time. In an interview change eyes to eyebrows and nose and make sure you spend some time looking in those areas and you will be fine. I think you end up putting a lot of pressure on yourself when you think of it as looking directly into someones eyes for a long time. It is when you look down or completely away from someone that it will be taken the wrong way. Practice in a mirror so you get comfortable with the feeling of doing it and your body language is more relaxed.

The best I've come up with is the occasional glance to reassure the speaker that I'm listening. It helps tremendously if I have an alternative focus while in conversation, so I can look away and keep the fidgets to a minimum. If I tried to look at another part of the face, I'd probably lose my focus.

Same here. I can make and maintain eye contact, but I have to force myself to do it, and it feels distracting, unnatural and just really unpleasant. So I usually just look at the area between nose and mouth whenever I feel like eye contact is expected of me. Most people are content with that.

When I talk to people I know however, or I just don't care what they think about me, I usually just take a quick look at the general face area and then look away, at the table or wall or something like that, before quickly looking up again. That feels the most natural for me.

This section I can relate to the most - it certainly doesn't feel right!

Ha ha sometimes i do that in conversation pauses, like when someone pauses then I look at them and it appears they were waiting for some eye contact acknowledgement so I'll glance up just to give indication I am listening and then continue on. But yeah I think if someone questions me about my lack of it I'll just be honest. I'll just say 'It's hard for me to listen and follow the conversation if I try and make eye contact, but I am listening.' If someone cant accept that I think they have an issue I mean its not like their health depends on my giving them eye contact.

Its kind of funny not sure if my brother normally makes eye contact or not but yeah with me he knows I don't really so we might be faced opposite directions engaging in a conversation. If there is a group of people it confuses them at times because they can't wrap their mind around me and my brother talking without any eye contact, looking at each other or body language indicating it to them.