why are they pushing me out of my comfort zone?

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My therapist and my dad want to work together to push me out of my comfort zone slowly, but i dont want to leave it at all, thats kinda why its called a "comfort zone". i never really felt my age, i may be 16 but i feel 13 or 12. maybe 10 but im still having desires for relationships. I need some advice because im really anxious, when my dad and therapist were talking about and telling me to buy my own clothes and wash them i shut down and curled in a ball and cried.

Thats exactly it.
You dont act your age.

They want you to act your age.

Do you have money with which to even buy clothes? as for washing them it is a good skill to learn but too much at once can be overwhelming I imagine.

Unless you're planning on having people wait on you for the rest of your life & wish to remain dependent on others, it is essential that you learn basic self help skills, no matter how much you can't be bothered.

I know it feels stressful now, but you will learn to appreciate it in time.

Last edited by Noetic on 23 Feb 2013, 4:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I know it seems annoying now, but learning how to do things for yourself will actually feel pretty good! Once you get into a routine of washing your own clothes then it won't seem bad at all; it's really simple and some people even find doing laundry relaxing.

As for buying your own clothes, that's something that can be very expressive and personal. Personally, I much prefer to go shopping by myself so that I don't feel rushed to try on clothes or buy something I don't like. You can choose whatever you want and experiment with what makes you feel most comfortable.

Try to keep an open mind about it and look at the positives. A few years from now (or even a few weeks from now) you may look back and laugh. I remember when I first did my own clothes shopping. My dad was with me, and every time I picked up a shirt I would look at him for his approval. He would always reassure me by saying, "You're the one who's going to wear it; you decide." Now I can't imagine ever asking him to approve my wardrobe, haha. Not because he would disagree, but because I know that what matters first and foremost is what I think!

I agree with the others. Sounds like your comfort zone is unhealthy and is holding you back from learning essential skills. It'll be tough at first, but once it's all said and done, you just might find that there was nothing to fear all along and that you prefer doing these things yourself. I know I like shopping by myself. No one forcing me to chat with them, critiquing my choices and I can go at my own pace. I don't like doing my laundry though, but that's because I'm lazy.

Washer and dryers are very simple to operate. They're designed to make everything easy. Just let your dad show you how to do it and you'll be doing it by yourself in no time.

Because theyre NTs they love doing that!!

I don't want to feed ZombieBride's anxiety, but I wanted to point out that there is more to laundry than just using the machines, especially if there are multiple people in the house using the machines. One thing I try to do is make sure I can wash and dry all of my clothes in exactly the same way. My sister bought me a sweater that I like (that replaced what I wore previously - and I wore it every day for about ten years), but I have to wash it differently and it completely messes me up.

Dealing with other people is always the possibility of finding they left their clothes in the washer and/or dryer, which means with some people I can remove their clothes but with some people if I remove their clothes they will pitch a fit about it, even though doing so doesn't harm them, and it's not my fault they left wet clothes in the dryer for 8 hours to begin with. Even so, it makes it vrtually impossible for me to maintain a laundry routine because I only know whether I can do the laundry once I check the machines, and if I can't it will be longer than it should be before I remember to check again.

There's also more to shopping than just going into a store to select clothes. I don't know what it's like for ZombieBride, but it is about a 50/50 chance that I'll have a meltdown and exit the store at some point during selection (I can't find the clothes I expected to find) or trying things on (even if they fit, if the fabric feels wrong it can mess with me). The store's overall temperature can aggravate this as well. Also, how busy it is and how many people are just in the area, directly interacting with me or not. There may also be issues with loudspeakers and noise level, and the fluorescent lights means I have to wear sunglasses.

The last time I shopped for clothes was one of the smoothest experiences I've had. I was able to go in, find clothes that fit on the first try, try them on, and purchase them. I also needed a week's warning to prepare for this, and initially I was told one week before we did go that I was going to go that day to buy clothes, which freaked me out enough I had trouble explaining that I could not do it that night.

And even with that smooth experience, I was shaky, disoriented, and my motor skills weren't working properly from the unavoidable level of sensory overload I experienced.

Are you able to explain to them that this is too much? I find it virtually impossible to function with instructions like "go do this." I need a lot of information to clarify what it is I am supposed to do in the first place. I have been purchasing my own clothes and doing my own laundry for years, but I still have a lot of issues with both (as I posted above), and even getting to that point required some explicit guidance. Telling me to sink or swim practically never works, unless it involves troubleshooting a computer.

I was washing clothes at nine years old, and was buying my own clothes at the folkshop I worked at when I was 18 and 19 so it baffles me how can someone not do those things. Whenever I would see something I liked, I got it. Then I had all these clothes because I wouldn't stop getting them whenever I saw something I liked whenever I go to thrift stores and look around.

It baffles me how someone can do them so easily. Actually, it baffles me that people see "shopping for clothes" as the thing itself, and not necessarily all the various elements that make up shopping for clothes that I have to account for to be able to actually do it. But I guess we're all different, if you've met one person with autism then you've met one person with autism, etc.

This, this! The difficulty in question is with "motor planning" (the ability of the brain to automatically deduce and follow the appropriate steps). Many autistic people lack this ability and it's one of the pieces of autism which tends to be least understood by NTs, who assume that not being able to complete multi-step tasks which they don't have to think about is "laziness" or "being difficult".

While I feel the same way about not being my age and struggling to be independent, it is true that learning to be more independent is extremely important, because your parents won't be able to look after you forever. If they have decided you need to be more independent then what you need to do is work out a way that this will be least difficult and uncomfortable to you and communicate it. Often autistic people have trouble communicating exactly what the difficulty is or the help they need (sometimes they don't even know themselves because they have nothing to compare their own brain processes to) and well-intentioned neurotypical people will misunderstand and think they are helping you when they may be traumatising you.

For example, if you are upset by the busy environment in clothes shops, you could ask to be able to buy your clothing online - so long as you are able to choose and purchase it independently and know your size it shouldn't matter where it is purchased from. With everyday tasts like laundry, you should ask for a list of step-by-step instructions, explaining that you have difficulty figuring out the steps and need to be able to learn a series of steps. Memorise the steps for the task and it becomes easier each time. It is important that they allow you to do things the same way each time.

Think carefully and communicate about your needs regarding these tasks and you may find you are able to accept the good intentions of your parents for what they are. If I were your father I would be impressed by your good understanding of the help you need to learn to be able to complete the tasks they are hoping you will achieve.

They are worried that you won't be able to take care of yourself as you get older. You're young now, but there will come a time when people won't be there to do these things for you. It's important to get used to doing them yourself now, while you still have their support.

Learning to be independent and self reliant is the most liberating thing in the world. You are your own master, it is most definitely something to work towards.

Do you find it easier to read instructions than hear them?
Try making a laundry list which includes

how to use the machines for a basic wash

your sizes
types of clothes you like
where they are sold
can you order them online
are they easy to wash without needing special care
do the shops have a contact email - if you "make an appointment" at a quiet time of day you could arrange to have a shop assistant who is aware of your needs and can guide you

Independence can mean getting your needs met, by you, in your own way.

When I go shopping with my mom for clothes and I got about 15-20min before I start saying lets go home! make a choice already were wasting so much time! in a angry tone, I suppose thats a meltdown. Then she will ask me what looks better, I don't care! I can do the chores, I can buy my own clothes etc. I honestly would prefer to use a washboard and the bath tub over a washing machine, minor stains and imperfections don't bother me as I do alot of physical work.

However no matter how hard I try I can never meet their expectations so thats why I stay in my own comfort zone and let the right people do their job. If I buy clothes i'll go to the sale table or a thrift shop and grab a some things that look like something I would like, in a size that I know I already own and go. Then I find out from someone else the styles clash, does not fit right even though it looks/fits fine to me etc. So I think its important to have reasonable expectations if the point is to encourge self reliance as our standards and opinions will differ from our parents.

Last edited by rapidroy on 23 Feb 2013, 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.