Been accused of being "fake" or "fooling"

Post Reply New Topic

This seems to be one of those no-win situations that comes with the territory of Aspergers if you know what I mean.

On occasion, I and other Aspies that I know have been accused by others of "being fake" or that my behaviour and interactions seem stilted or "somewhat forced" when I wish they'd be more enlightened about it and just see that I just want to engage in mutually beneficial social situations like everyone else!! "Mutually" in the sense that I don't have selfish motives nor do I wish to be a doormat pleasing everyone.

This has to be one of the most revolting ironies ever, since the whole NT modus operandi revolves around being superficial to get pleasure out of interacting with others. So I think, how am I any different, because I'm not "naturally superficial"?!? (talk about an oxymoron.)

The worst is when we're told that we've been "fooling" someone "all along" - talk about adding insult to injury - it's not like my master plan was to get friendly with someone then "seize my moment and stab him in the back". NO!! ! Any attempts to blend in are just that, part of a desire to interact and not be isolated, maybe it's not conforming 100% to their expectations but I figure practice makes perfect, I don't think anyone suffers as a result of my attempts to get "on par". On that note, thankfully I have received these "fake" and "fooling" comments less and less, ostensibly due to this practice and that I can pass for NT (maybe not in the long run, but still).

It happens in the workplace unfortunately too. One Aspie guy that I know aced his entrance exam and interview to a high profile job, then a few months later he was told by his supervisor that he "fooled" and "conned" them well gee, excuse him for just wanting to put food on his table by himself and not go live in a group home or mop floors!! ! Must be a pretty horrible con artist. Upon disclosing the manager grilled him on why he didn't tell him that from the get-go (and they say WE ask obvious questions relating to ToM ).

Sociopaths(ASPD) are the most "fake" people you'll ever meet. Being fake is the main attribute of that mental-disorder in my opinion.

In general, I fear not being believed when I tell the truth. This has made me try all the harder to be open and honest, but that can sometimes come across as "trying too hard", I think, which is apparently a classic tactic used by liars. In fact, someone I knew a long time turned out to be doing this. Speculation now is that he's possibly got narcissistic personality disorder. I'm so freaked out by having been fooled for so long that now I don't know what to do. At least I have some kind people around me to help me see how I'm not alone in having been fooled and that things will be okay. It's been a while since the truth came out about this guy, so I'm starting to calm down and feel better now. But it still makes me feel all the more like I need to be scrupulously honest. I'm not sure what makes people believe each other, though, and it seems to have very little to do with the truth having been told. This is very confusing to me, even after the attempts of others to explain it.

I don't get at all why someone would want to lie so much. Why not actually be a nice person and let people like you for that instead of making wild stuff up to try to get people to like you?

Yeah that kind of crap pisses me off to and its bloody confusing.

I haven't experienced that myself, but I'd guess that people just notice that there's something "off" about the way you interact, and it sets off a false alarm in their head. They have a hard time understanding someone who has genuine difficulties with social interaction, so they jump to the more familiar explanation that you must be some sort of manipulative weirdo.

Me too - I had this throughout high school. People didn't like me because they thought I was trying too hard and trying to be someone I wasn't, but when I acted in the ways which were natural to me they liked it even less, and I was rejected worse than ever. This was all so frustrating, confusing and downright hurtful that eventually I just clammed up and stopped trying at all. I'm only just beginning to be able to emerge from that behaviour now, more than a decade later.

It's a no-win situation, unfortunately - you just have to try to explain the way things are for you to the people who are important and let the rest get on with the way they experience life, even if that excludes you.

It doesn't help that many "Aspies" are self-diagnosed.

It's lying, it's being civil.

I agree with UnLoser's explanantion. That's so true.

I feel the same as Jayo and Jinks. I have been through all that myself and still am. Not being able to fit in and being seen as some weirdo/liar/freak/whatever they don't like still hurts and saddens me. Some are even hostile and make work unnecessarily harder for me. Others are just amused about it all. Of course there are some good people, too. But the whole situation is very depressing and stressful.

My husband recently accused me of this because he said I've changed....I haven't really, but his perception of me has. Who is fooling whom?

Um, forgive me for typing my reply as an extended metaphor, but I really don't know how to put my point across literally.... I assume that actors are all conning the audience because they take on roles that usually differ from their real selves. A good actor is an actor who gives audience the illusion that he and his role are one and the same, but the oxymoron is that being good at acting implies that you are good at conning the audience. In other words, you are a good actor/conman only if your audience fail to realize that you have conned them. Some newbie actors are so afraid that they might forget their lines that they tend to exaggerate their facial expressions and/or voices excessively. Their mannerisms usually seem "stiff" and "wooden" because they are still trying to figure out what mannerisms their roles are expected to have. The audience end up complaining that these actors seems so "fake" and so on and so forth.

Wait, I have thought of another extended metaphor... Voters might say that Politician A seems so sincere while Politician B seems so fake. In reality, Politician A is a better conman (hence more fake) than Politician B because those voters who can tell that Politician B has been conning them can't tell that Politician A has been conning them too.

^ This, most certainly. I think, icyfire4w5, that you have it, exactly.

Also,

The worst thing I've ever think I've had someone say to me was a person with fellow aspergers in a workshop that I took that told me that I was fake and not only fooling everyone else, but also fooling myself. She then proceeded to tell me that my ways of coping would make me miserable, and depressed, and that I would likely end up killing myself.
LIKE HELLO.
Firstly, people can say whatever they want, but that doesn't change YOU. If what you're currently doing makes you feel happy and works to an extent then continue doing it. Who gives a flying sh*t what those other people have to say. This is the main reason why I don't make it common knowledge amongst my friends that I have AS. It seems like when people know that something is off, they have an opinion. Everyone has an opinion about everything. What makes your life any of their business at all. Your mental state is nobodies business but yours, unless there is the intent to harm someone else physically or yourself. Telling an interviewer that you have AS, unless it is particularly debilitating and would put you at a disadvantage for the job (though it seems that it did not for your colleague), is the equivalent of telling an interviewer that you have an allergy to something that isn't readily present in the workplace. Verbally harassing someone and calling them a "liar" does not make them a bad employee, it makes you a bad employer. I wouldn't worry about these comments as much, as they're only going to come as people find out about your difference, which, in time, will only happen if they are extremely intuitive, an expert on the matter, or too nosy for their own business.
Furthermore, I commend your efforts to conform to social norm. A lot of people on here seem to advocate every single person in their entire world changing in order to suit them the best, when in reality we do live as minorities in a neurotypical world and to some extent, we do need to learn to meet people halfway. (I know this comment will likely start a firestorm, but I feel as if it needed to be said).