Being asked how you are

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I know NTs ask this to seem interested in you, but I usually hate being asked this question unless I haven't seen someone in a while. I usually say I'm ok or good. A lot of times when I'm tired after socializing for a while and my mom asks me how my day was. I usually say I'm okay. She often asks why my day was okay. This infuriates me because I am usually too exhausted to talk about how my day was and I've told her several times that I hate when people ask that. I rarely like to talk about my day and I know no one cares about my day anyways. I usually have antisocial body language(listening to my ipod and a monotone voice) when I don't want to talk. Does anyone else have this problem?

Last edited by DevilKisses on 23 Mar 2013, 7:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

I hate this too unless something genuinely interesting has happened to me that day that I want to share, but I will normally just share this anyway without being prompted.

What I really hate though is when people ask me what's wrong with me. Either there is nothing wrong with me when people ask me this (why do people assume that just because you're not talking you're upset?), or if I am in a mood I'd rather just be left alone until the bad mood passes. People nagging me to explain my bad mood only makes me worse.

I can relate. I think people ask you why you are okay because your body language might be expressionless or seem antisocial. Most NTs seem to think that means you are not okay. I often get asked if I'm okay when I'm relaxed or tired. I usually look sad when I'm relaxed or tired. Once when I was going to the spa to get a massage, the massage lady asked me how my day was. I told her my day was okay, but I was a annoyed at her fake cheery attitude. Because of this I probably sounded grumpy when I answered. She asked me why my day was okay. I've never had anyone ask me that, but I assumed it was her way of asking me what's wrong. I just asked her sarcastically if all days have to be good and perfect. She didn't know how to respond to that. Another thing that really gets on my nerves is when strangers ask me if I'm okay. I would be fine with that if I was obviously injured, but I normally get asked that question when I'm jittery or antisocial. I usually tell them I'm fine in a pissed off voice so they will leave me alone.

They're not concerned about you in any way, but they just want to be social and polite and not show their real thoughts, which why you don't like it.

All a socially accepted act in order to be "normal".

That question makes me uncomfortable, and so do "how's it going?", "what's up?" etc - all the meaningless questions that are meant to be asked for their own sake.

I understood this to be a ritual, belonging to the category of necessary social behaviors known as politeness.

The formula that I learned was something like this:

A: Hello, how are you?
B: Fine and you?
Then conversation can proceed or terminate.

It was understood that this was a convention, not an actual question, and the obligatory answer was always "fine" regardless of one's actual condition.

I was very surprised to hear at work that it was wrong to say "fine." There is a new (new to me, any way) formula that goes like this:

A: Hello how are you?
B: How are you?
Then conversation can proceed or terminate.

In this formula, the pretense that the question is anything but ritual is abandoned.

This does seem totally pointless: if you are not going to pretend to care, why bother with the ritual at all? It may seem marginally less ridiculous than requiring people who are physically or emotionally unwell to claim they are 'fine' but why not just stop at 'hello?'

I know they are not concerned about me. That is why I usually give them a one word answer.

I don't hate it, but it does make me feel confused and uncomfortable because I am always tempted to answer honestly, and that can take a few seconds to assess and summarize accurately. It's such a huge question to ask so casually, and it feels so dishonest to constantly answer with "fine" or "good" when that is not always the case. Moreover, it seems dishonest to be compelled to reciprocate the question if I am not genuinely curious.

So basically, this:

Only when I'm overloaded and trying to reduce stimulation.

To friends, I describe my genuine feelings as much as I can, or at least try to; to others, I just say "fine", "okay" or "good", partially because anything more is pointless because it's little more than an extended greeting, and partially because I wouldn't trust them with that knowledge. Is random people asking annoying? Yeah, it is, but it's far from a big deal.

It depends on whether they genuinely want to know how I am of if they are merely asking me to appear more friendly by pretending to be interested in something they are really not interested in at all...

Bingo!

Sometimes having to answer such a question with 'I am ok' when I might be something else such as more than ok or not ok at all makes me cringe.

Socialising can be so false.

I'd prefer it if people were more honest and genuine.

ie

"Hi I am trying to be friendly and show you that I am a friendly person who would like to initiate conversation with you, what would you like to talk about, perhaps we could exchange some ideas on the subject if we share any of the same interests?"

Alternatively

"Hi, I am trying to be friendly and polite but I don't have much time to get involved in an in depth conversation right now. However perhaps we could exchange a few light hearted comments or humour just so we know that we are not each others enemy and that we may be open to deeper discourse at some point in the future"

Or

"Hi, I actually do not wish to engage in any kind of real conversation with you but in order to appear polite and friendly I decided to come up and speak to you. This is merely an attempt to make you feel welcome, even if to some people you might not be. Try not to take this personally, sometimes peoples personalities conflict and they are unable to along together. Such is life."

Or

"Hi I really don't like you but in order to appear socially acceptable I have to appear friendly. This is my attempt to do so when I really don't want to be here talking to you at all. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means that my own perception of you is not a favourable one is all. Sorry".

---------

Whichever might really apply. Anything but 'how are you' when they don't really mean it.

Last edited by bumble on 23 Mar 2013, 12:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.

That question makes me wanna bounce the ball back straight away.

I hate this question.

Them: "How are you?"

Me: "Good, and you?"

I was trained by a neighbour like a puppy when I was young, being rewarded pop and snacks if I said the right thing. It's an automatic response and I cannot shut it off unless I really put effort into it. It doesn't matter if I'm good and I usually have no interest in how good they are doing, either but hearing them talk about themselves is better than me talking about myself: the lesser of two evils. I wonder if my psychiatrist has realized that when he asks me how I'm doing when entering his office and before sitting down that I still say "good, and you?" when he greets me, and then I proceed to tell him how I'm not doing so well...

I really should come up with a new reply to that question. Maybe:

"That's a nice greeting you have there. Has it been working well for you?"

Lol

I don't really hate being asked that question, but why ask it if you don't want to know? If you want to be polite, just say "Hi". Saying "Hi" is still being polite. Or am I missing something......?