Daily sensory torture - what to do?

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Hi all, I am a recently diagnosed Aspie, married with two toddlers. Prior to marriage I was 'introverted' but very high functioning to the point that no one would pick me as having Aspergers. Getting married and having babies has pushed so many Asperger buttons (communication problems, sensory overload, social exhaustion etc) that I became mentally very unwell and that's how I got the Aspergers diagnosis.
I very much want the best for my husband and children, but I am that finding living with them is putting unbearable levels of pressure on me. I find daily life a sensory torture of too much noise, too much mess, too much stinkiness, too much 'interruption' of how things have been planned in my head, too many demands at once. I find myself constantly enraged and shouting because I simply can't cope.
It has reached the point where I am seriously considering having to move elsewhere, because I can no longer cope with constantly feeling completely out of control and like I am dying.
I had no idea before getting married that I am not AT ALL cut out for 'family life'. I have always suffered severely from sensory overload, but was able to manage it because everything else in my life was fairly 'safe' (lived by myself, had a nice introverted job etc). Now even having a runny nose or washing the dishes can tip me over the edge.
I would appreciate any advice others might have.

Caretakers for the elderly have breaks assigned to them where their duties are relieved for a day or 2 so their emotional receptors don't get overloaded, shouldn't be any different than getting a sensory break. I'm not a parent yet but I believe that if it takes 2 parents to create a child it also takes 2 to raise a child. If "DH" is not contributing equal input he'll need to step up, from everything I've heard at and about weddings a successful marriage consists of each party taking up the slack of the other's deficits and relying on each other's strengths. If anything, as long as the grandparents are nearby enough and family dynamics are healthy enough to do so, packing the kids off for a few hours a week= win/win/win - you get a bit of space, GPs get someone to spoil, kids get to enjoy being spoiled

Take breaks periodically as often as you're able. Ship the kids off for a weekend if it's feasible. They won't be toddlers forever, and it does get easier from there.

Your husband, if he hasn't helped already, needs to try help out more. Motherhood is a sensory challenge for anyone, and throwing Aspergers into the mix can be awful. Add in fluctuating hormones and it's a perfect storm of suck.

If you are by yourself, put the kids in a safe room with nothing where they can hurt themselves, climb,etc. and some toys, and try to sit in the corner and read, or even just shut your eyes (without sleeping). I used to have to do this when my kids were toddlers and my husband was working long hours. (we had no nearby friends or family to offer a break). I would sit on the floor in the same room as them and lean back against the door and just zone out. I would have my diapers and a little supply basket nearby if they needed anything, and they couldn't leave the room. Admittedly, it wasn't restful but it gave me a little of a sensory break, and it was usually enough to pull me back from the edge.

Some things never get better until they get older though. I hate changing diapers, and snot makes me gag to this day. I remember feeling very touched out.

If you have friends nearby, would you be able to schedule times to trade babysitting? My budget was not infinite so I had to get creative. Of course, watching someone else's kids is another bag of worms, but then at least you have a chance to drop YOURS off somewhere. I found it tolerable if it was planned far enough in advance.

I promise it does get better though. There will always be gross stuff and disruptions to routines, but once they are older they can entertain each other and you will be able to step back and BREATHE. They will also be able to understand that sometimes when you are approaching meltdown mode, it's not because you don't love them, it's because your brain is wired differently. In fact, I lost my temper with my son today (who is 9). We went to a Boy Scouts fair, which is loads of people, loads of noise, too much visual stimuli, etc. He kept bugging me over and over to play video games when we got home. I was trying to make it through the massive parking lot with his brother and dad and not get hit by a car. I finally turned around and growled "Stop asking me over and over!" He cried, and I felt like the worst mom ever. Once in the car, I was able to say I was sorry, and it was wrong for me to yell and that the whole day was just too much of a challenge for me. I asked him a question over and over again and he found it irritating, so he saw it from my point of view. I often say at home "Mama is overstimulated". When they were little, and I'd have to do the room thing, I would say "Mama is in time out".

Hang in there!! PM me if you want to talk.

Being the way i am i felt almost robotic with my children, i found it odd to actually see mothers enjoying being mums! Seeing their anticipation in the playground at hometime, eager to grab and cuddle their offspring, i on the otherhand would be waiting in the corner, feeling of dread and doom, squinting in the over-bearing light, working out my coping strategy, my timetable for the evening, calculating how many hours, minutes and seconds i had to endure until i could put my kids to bed. Playgroups= torture, parks= torture, shopping= torture. I still find it odd to see the closeness, the hugging and the interaction that other parents have with their children, i have to look away because it causes a very negative reaction in me. I love my children very much but im unable to show it in a typical way. Their neediness attacks my senses, its painful to admit.

I just hope you are now using a birth control method because the last thing you need now is any More kids!

On top of what others are suggesting, build what you can in for sensory protection - this might be redoing lighting in your house (it would be for me), or it might be adding sound insulation so you don't have to hear outside sounds as much (which can be as simple as decorative rugs and still help) , and build in things that are nice sensory-wise, like music that calms you, or pressure on your body simulate a hug, or whatever works best to for you, just little bits to help you through the day.


And get breaks. Everyone needs breaks.

I'm not a parent so I'm not sure how helpful my advice will be but as others have said, perhaps organizing with your husband a "time out" period for you each day (where he takes full responsibility for looking after the kids and running the household). Perhaps one or two hours a day of isolation and quiet. It's vital that you are able to "recharge", otherwise as you've said the pressure will continue to build up over time and lead to a full scale breakdown, which an hour or two of quiet will be insufficient to fix (when I let things get that bad it can take weeks of isolation for me to recover).

I don't know the layout of your house but do you have a room somewhere which is a "quiet zone" you can retreat to, where your kids know not to go and not to interrupt you, during daily time out? Perhaps a space in the quietest area of the house? Where you can quietly read, lie down, or just zone out in whatever way works for you.

But yes, living 24/7 with no time-out and constant contact and sensory overload will lead to inevitable breakdown. Our minds aren't designed to deal with that kind of pressure. It's vital that you can incorporate recovery time into your daily routine.

Oh, and I can completely empathize with the whole "feeling like you're dying" part. I have a bad habit of pushing myself to the limits when it comes to socialization and sensory exposure (mainly due to bipolar - when I am manic it's like my barriers and limits just disappear and I can't stop myself from pushing way beyond what my mind and body are able to handle), and I know the feelings that come along with each consequent increase in overload until the point of no return - and believe me, if you feel like you're dying inside and everything is setting you off then you're close to the edge. If you find yourself self-harming or actually finding it unbearably painful when people speak to you then you're in real trouble. Either way, it sounds like your current situation has escalated to the point where you probably do have to isolate yourself somehow for a few weeks in order to recover. But it doesn't have to be permanent, what you have to do (no matter how difficult it is) is change your lifestyle and adjust parenting responsibilities to prevent future breakdowns.

Oh, and self harm can be a whole variety of things, not just the stereotypical cutting.

Eg. chewing your nails/lips till they bleed, pulling out your hair, scratching your face, digging your nails into your hands, banging your head against the wall, etc.

Sorry for the triple post.

Thanks for all the replies.
At the moment the children are in full time childcare, while my husband works and I 'sit around doing nothing' all day. I feel very guilty about this, but otherwise I would really go insane. We are all together in the evenings and at weekends. So even though it seems like I get a lot of alone time, it just doesn't seem to be enough. It's hard for me to cope with the fact that even though in many ways I am so high functioning, some basic things are just so difficult. I cannot, for example, make a decision on what snack to give the children if they are both babbling and pulling on my legs and waiting impatiently for me to get them something. The mental effort of trying to decide on crackers and cheese or an apple (with that kind of distraction) is roughly the equivalent of asking a 'normal' person to calculate 36 x 89 (without using pen and paper).
This whole Aspergers thing really blows my mind sometimes ....