I suspect I'm on the spectrum, input or words appreciated...

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I have been lurking and occasionally posting for a little while. I've actually attempted to start this thread several times only to scrap it, I'm going to try to follow through with it and actually post it this time. Sorry if it's long, I'm bad at going off on tangents and rambling on, but I would appreciate some input.


I have yet to get a diagnosis, but I am certain I'm on the spectrum. I've always felt different from others, a bit askew, detached from others, a spacey day dreamer, epitome of passive, feeling as if there is a "bubble" around me. I'm now in my mid 20s, over the recent years I have learned a lot of my self and have become very aware of things that I've kinda been oblivious to. I found my way to WP in a somewhat serendipitous fashion, though I was starting to have my suspicions. Ever since I started lurking around WP, it's somewhat reliving, I've never known anyone that has the same issues and quirks that I do, always thought these problems were unique to me. Now since joining WP, it's quite something learning there are all of these people out there that deal with many of the same things I've dealt with my entire life.




Here's a bit about my self, I'll try my best to keep it short....

In elementary school I had one friend and would interact with other kids occasionally, but on the playground I spent most of my time wondering about doing my own thing. Though I rarely approached other kids and was very quiet and kinda awkward, I did seem to get along well with those I did interact with. There were only a few cases where I was bullied or picked on through out all my years of school.

I did very well in school until things become difficult in the last years of high school. I was always one of the top, if not the top student in class. I would learn concepts very quickly, once something was explained to me I either understood it to the fullest or struggled with it. I don't know how I actually learned things though, as I spent most of my time in class spacing out/day dreaming, counting the tiles on the ceiling, making equations from random numbers of things I counted in class, fidgeting with my pencil, back pack, or what ever else would keep my hands busy, anything but listening to the teacher. I have always been calm though, even though I may fidget around and play with things, and touched a lot of things, I was usually very mellow. I was never a bad student, I always raised my hand before talking, I was absolutely silent unless spoken to by the teacher, my teachers would always make note to my parents that I was a spacey day dreamer and was practically mute.


As I got older and as social interaction became more complex with more "rules" in place and more ego-games, things started to become a bit more difficult for me, and it really started to become obvious to me that I was a bit askew in comparison to others. I did pretty well with keeping up a "facade" of sorts, this facade was more along the lines of me just being oblivious to my quirks and mannerisms, I was just mimicking others (NTs) because it seemed to be working for them (if that makes any sense).


I have quite a bit of sensory issues, or I suppose hypersensitivity would be the way to put it. When I was younger the tag on shirts felt like a damn cactus, very prickly, distracting, and almost painful, my mother would always have to cut the tags out. If the seem on socks, the stitching, wasn't lined up perfectly it would cause me a lot of discomfort & anxiety. When my mother would brush my hair it felt like she was slamming a pine cone into my head every time, I would often get upset and almost in tears from this. The humidity of showers would overwhelm me and make me feel almost light headed when I was younger.

I can't hear lyrics in music. I can hear the sound of a voice singing, but I have great difficulty separating those sounds and putting them into words. Sounds in general can overwhelm me sometimes, it is hard for me to tune things out, particularly sounds. Many sounds, from motorcycles to someone talking, will annoy me deeply.

I seem to be pretty sensitive to light as well. Light would literally hurt me when I was younger. Lighting in stores often mess with my head. I prefer to wear sunglasses all the time.


On the flip side of hypersensitivity...I really enjoy certain sensory input. Certain textures I can repeatedly feel over and over. When I was younger, and even still, going through a store I feel compelled to touch almost everything or anything that looks like it will feel nice. I like smelling things as well. I used to humm when I was younger, the feeling of the vibration of humming and the constant frequency felt good.

When ever I am interested in something, I will learn everything I can about it. I'm just a deeply curious person and really don't like "not knowing things". I've always been the person people come to to ask questions about almost anything.


I just recently learned/realized that people actually think in words/verbally. Most of what travels through my mind is visual/conceptual/abstract. The only time words or verbal thoughts come through is when writing, such as now. Sometimes in conversation I have difficulty getting my thoughts from images/concepts and into words.


Though I thoroughly enjoy quiet time alone, and generally prefer it, I do crave socializing, but even when I am around good friends and even family, I feel alone. There is never that sense of connecting or belonging. With that said, I almost feel hyper sensitive to other peoples "vibes" in a way, so there for I shut my self down some. I don't quite understand the difference between sympathy and empathy or the true meanings....At this point in my life I can usually understand when someone is sad or up set or happy, but I don't know how to react to such things. I often feel like people think I'm a cold person that doesn't care for others or give a sh*t about anything. But it's quite the opposite, I do, I feel like I do more so than most people, I just don't know how to show that I do, or if I do I don't do it in the same ways that most people do.


I have never been able to make eye contact, ever, my eyes usually just move around or I simply stare at something or close my eyes when listening to someone. I remember my grandpa and my dad would often get upset at me because I never looked at them while talking. It almost feels like an overload of sorts when I do make eye contact, I end up freezing up. There are, though, a few select people I have crossed paths with in life where it was easy to lock eye contact with.



So some of you may be wondering why I was never diagnosed. I was a first child and my parents were somewhat young when they had me, I honestly think they were completely oblivious to my mannerisms & quirks. As well as them having the stereotypical idea of autism, those that are "low functioning", and never suspecting their son might have it. Not only that, when I was young I managed to blend in well enough I guess, I had a friend or two through most of my life. I was often just passed off as a really shy, quiet, passive, deeply curious and kinda weird kid. But there's sooooo much going on internally that no one knows about, it takes so much energy for me to "blend in", and as I'm getting older I don't know if I can pull it off any more, I'm really not sure what to do with myself. Immersing my self in nature, meditation, and cannabis helps.


I'm going to end it there just because I want to finally get this posted, and don't want it to be too long. There is so much I would like to say, I just have trouble getting everything out linearly. I would really appreciate a few words on what you all think on me possibly being on the spectrum.


I believe my AQ test score was 38.

Hi, it sounds like you probably are on the spectrum. And I personally just haven't had the best of luck with mental health professionals, straight up. And I think it's fine to kind of go through a relatively slow process of self-diagnosis, which it sounds like you have done. In fact, I really hope the Autism Spectrum develops along more of the model of a civil rights movement. As an analogy, I don't think a person who is transgend needs to have a damn psychologist to tell the person he or she is transgend, even though the psychologist might (potentially) be helpful in other areas.

So, with the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum, I'm going to try to include a link to a pro-equality activist's creative spoof re-write of DSM-4, which I think is better than the original!
It's JourneysWithAutism although right now the site doesn't seem to be loading.

And I think I know what you mean about caring more. Although in my middle years, I'm trying to be charitable and tell myself other people care a lot, too, just in different ways.

As far as you really not being into eye contact, I think some people pick up that a person is listening intently and is helped by not having eye contact. And I think there are skills like occasionally saying "okay," "alright" when it feels right which gives the other person confidence they're being listened to. I have also been helped by tabling at political events and commission sales in furniture, although I realize either of these is not for everyone.

One thing you haven't mentioned is jobs and careers. And I'd really encourage you to dream big, remembering that for many of us on the spectrum "easy" jobs are hard and "hard" jobs are easy!

Hello, it sounds like you could be on it. I am a lot like you. I am yet to be diagnosed, but my children have autism so there is a chance a could have it as well.

To me you appear to be somewhat aspie-ish and especially highly sensitive. You would score high on a HSP test.

Some other things I didn't mention in my original post....Like mentioned I was always a really calm and passive kid, but every so often there would be one tiny little thing that would set me off into a melt down of sorts. Hysterically crying, completely shut off from others that are trying to calm me down, sometimes hitting or throwing things but never people.

As far as "stimming" goes...I do a lot of hand rubbing, twisting, and bending of my fingers, especially whilst talking. I like to find something I can click repeatedly, or fold over and over, or twist. I often bend and sway my legs around, bounce my leg. I'm generally always playing with something in my hands.

Certain textures & objects, or even motions & repetitive activities, really pull in my attention. Example, as I kid while all the other kids were playing in a swimming pool, I would be off to the side spinning in circles transfixed on the way the water would ripple from my movement and the sensation of the water on my hand. Things that spin, like a lathe (a machining tool), I can watch for long periods of time. Watching fire ever so slowly break things down is one of my favorite past times, I've always been deeply fascinated with fire but have always been safe & smart when burning things. Watching things mix together, such as paint, or watching things accumulate, such as sand in an hour glass. Watching the way street lights flow and cast shadows in a car while going down the freeway at night. Watching power lines undulate and the painted stripes on the freeway while going down the road. I just thoroughly enjoy observing things that most people don't, it brings me such an indescribable sense of joy and calmness.

Yea, that is pretty much what I have been going through over the past couple years. Slowly figuring out what exactly is going on with me, I'm still learning a lot about the spectrum and about my self. More I find out about both, more it makes sense. I have had many personal epiphanies in recent times.

I've learned to acknowledge people when they're talking to me. When I was younger I would just kinda space out, it would often appear as if I wasn't listening, and people would often ask for my attention, when in reality I was already giving them my attention. I've learned to nod my head, and say things while people are speaking to me so they know I am indeed listening (those that know me, know I listen even if it doesn't look like it).


As far as job/career.....I've had a few jobs over the years since high school, but ultimately I ended up having melt downs and quit. I really don't know what I want to do. I have ideas. I know I want to work with plants/herbs, I like to help people, I like to be out outdoors in nature, I work best when alone, and I don't mind a little bit of labor or physical work. Not to sound arrogant, but I'm a knowledgeable person, I know a little about a lot of things and have a lot of common sense/logic, I learn and pick up on things very quickly....I just don't have skills, and I fail terribly when it comes to interviews. I don't even know where to begin.











I have a few cousins and family members that seem to be on the spectrum. One of them is diagnosed, the others are likely oblivious to it and would be in denial if I suggested they might be. I suspect my father might be as well, but he wouldn't ever believe it if I brought it up. I have yet to talk to him about me being on the spectrum, but I'm sure he is going to deny it (and probably get angry that I am even speculating that I am). He really doesn't know a thing about autism, he's just really closed minded about certain things.

When I brought up to a friend that I think I am on the spectrum...My friend was like, "Yea, I know. No surprise, I probably knew before you even realized it". So it was pretty obvious to my good friend that I was probably on the spectrum, while I was kinda oblivious until recent years.








I'm definitely highly/hyper-sensitive, no doubt about that.

Could you see yourself as gardener? Would you study plant medicine? Be an "heil praktiker"? A naturopath? You would, to a great extent, be able to control the amount of contact, you would be exposed to, - and your sensitivity would come to its own.

That's kind of the dream, and will sometimes happen. Now, of course your friend may still need to be brought up to speed occasionally.

With your dad, he may view it as a type of defeatism and negative label. So perhaps the approach, they now think a variety of famous people have been on the spectrum, and afterall it is a spectrum. And then be prepared a little bit to talk about Thomas Edison, Jane Austen, Carl Sagan, Jim Hensen. Afterall, it is pretty interesting.
http://www.asperger-syndrome.me.uk/people.htm#edison

And then the next stage, most people on the spectrum, like most people in general, are middle-functioning and that's perfectly okay! Middle functioning people if they just keep going can accomplish a lot.

You know, when you talk about street lights casting shadows in cars, it reminds me a little of the movie Dr. Zhivago a little. At one point of the movie, he watched ice crystals form. and I think there were other parts where he watched closely.

About jobs . . . something like working as a cashier in a department store, which I have done on several occasions, the managers are likely to be disengaged, it can be a very authoritarian workplace where they basically just want their employees to be automatons and not cause problems. Again, I really think, not always by any means, but more often than one might think, the "harder" jobs are actually easier! Are more reality principle oriented, realize not everything is going to work out, etc.

Okay, if you like nature, think about medical school, yeah, getting an M.D., becoming a doctor, the real thing. Don't be too quick to dismiss it, for there are at least several dozen different specialties and even more subspecialties. If you're good at distilling down information and explaining over and over to different patients, that may be the core skill. And getting along with colleagues might be an issue (in part because you have patchy skills, and are likely to be much better than them in some areas), but maybe just medium disclosure that you're on the spectrum. Or medical research. In the book The Great Influenza by John Barry, I really think at least two of the researchers are Spectrum, or at least Spectrum-friendly.

And one particular job, it's a seasonal job, but it really taught me I was good at working with clients, and that's working at H&R Block. Now, I really think a person has to learn what cross-collection is and how to disclose it to clients in a straightforward way. And when I say seasonal, I mean like 5 or 6 weeks.

Can you please explain this a little further? I have similar experiences, but I kind of attribute it to the hot water and me having lower than average blood pressure which I do have. But then afterwards, sometimes when I'm washing my face and shaving, I really want to get out of the bathroom.

This sounds comforting. I seem to be going through the same process right now. A few months ago, I came across a website dedicated to AS, and I was surprized (maybe I should even say shocked) by how all my quirks I'd always been aware of came together on just one page.

I can't go to a psychologist for many reasons:
1. I live in a provincial town with zero ASD awareness. Most psychologists here can diagnose autism only in severe forms like LFA. A few years ago, I was treated by a therapist for anxiety disorder. We had some 20 or 25 interviews with a lot of in-depth talking, and it helped to some extent, but she totally overlooked the AS. She noticed some external manifestations like stimming, unnatural eye contact, monotone voice, lack of facial expressions, but she attributed all these to stress and depression; she knew that I had problems describing my feelings (I tend to go too much into details, describe facts instead of feelings, or give examples from fiction or movies), but she thought it was because I wasn't "honest" with myself; she noticed lack of empathy, and she saw that I often misinterpreted words and behaviors of other people, but she treated this as an ethical problem, etc. Among that therapist's profeccional interests was also couple counseling; so once I went to her with my partner. Everything was nice until she said "And now, look him straight in the eyes and say..." That was a catastrophe, LOL. Both she and the man thought I was deliberately ruining the relationship.
In short, psychologists haven't been very helpful.
2. I'm in my mid 30ies and (relatively) well adapted. Actually, I can live with myself the way I am. Adaptation was a long and painful process, maybe because I didn't know that what I had to cope with was a medical problem. Anyway, I don't think I would enjoy being a patient or treated as someone who needs extra care (by friends and family etc.). My adaptation only started to work when I learned the take-me-as-i-am attitude (watching House MD helped a lot, LOL).
3. I'm generally not sure that conditions like AS, ADHD, bipolar disorder, or depression need medical treatment. These new-fashioned diagnoses exclude too many people from the "normal population"; actually, anyone who can't make a great corporate career and happily enjoy the pleasures of consumerism is considered more or less "disordered". IMHO, people do have the right to be themselves and to be "different" as long as they are not dangerous for themselves or others. In this sence, "neurodiversity" is a good thing.

Hi FirstDay, I think we probably have a lot of agreement that psychologists put 'normal' up on a pedestal and basically worship it, and seem to view anything 'unnormal' as bad just for that reason alone, even though they say they don't. Now, where we might disagree . . okay, I have struggled with depression, haven't yet tried antidepressants, but they are kind of my ace in the hole. And I have read from multiple sources that something like zolft or wellbutrin may work great for some people but not do a thing for others, just that everyone's biochem tends to be a little different. So, my personal plan is 5 for 5, which I've read has somewhat higher than a 50% chance of working, but I playfull tell myself that's my Vegas over-under. That is, if things get bad, I'm prepared go five months trying a different antidepressant each month, and hopefully take a deep breath and try another five if needed. And I think I'll have better luck with a regular doctor like an internist, who's more likely to take the attitude, okay, if one doesn't work, let's try another, which I've read is the right way to go about it anyway, or let's say the percentage baseball way to go about it. And also, it's sometimes important to step down from an antidepressant in phases even if it doesn't seem to be working.

And I know this is a lot to throw out all at once. And I do think depression can be both, biochem and situational at the same time, as well as philosophical in a number of ways.

And I understand life to a large extent through story and metaphor, too! And at one time in my twenties, every night there was a rerun of a Barnaby Jones episode at about one o'clock in the morning. I also got into Quincy ME when it was predictably on every night, and Quincy is a real fighter and has a way of challenging people who are generally good that they don't have to just go along with something.

That's an interesting scheme, thank you. I haven't taken any drugs yet, either, but if one day I have to, I'll think of trying it. My depressive episodes were back in 2000 and 2007; both times it was probably because I tried to live together with someone and didn't cope with that. I had meltdowns at least once a week, normally even more. I was trying to find some emotional reasons for that (with the help of psychologists) but I failed, and now I'm starting to think that probably there was no other reason than overload. Now I'm living independently, and I only have 1 or 2 meltdowns per year. I'm still dating the guy I lived with in 2007; and it's all right without living together. I just need some place to be alone and restore because I feel drained after several hours of communication.

Dont let on if you're fat or like train spotting or you won't be in with the 'in crowd' on here!

- been always fascinated by those things, too. As a kid, I spent hours burning things, watching them burn, too. Another thing I love is the grass, and how it moves in the wind.
I love looking at small things, or parts of things. I'm often stressed and desoriented by too many impressions or too many people to talk with, like at a party. etc., and get into kind of stupor; but if I find something to look at, like raindrops on the window glass, or pattern on the tablecloth, or just some light fleck, actually anything, and watch it for a while, it helps me concentrate.

I'm not sure I'm on the spectrum either... trying to find some clues here on WP. Anyway, I was surprised to find so many people with the same type of perception here.

I think that's one very good thing about finding out about the Spectrum. Sometimes the explanations are simple. And not necessary the complex explanations which clinical psychologists seem to prefer.