Good Article: 15 Things Never Say to an Autistic

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http://www.autistichoya.com/2012/02/15- ... ay-to.html

This is a really good list, i'm sure almost all of us will understand this list and have heard or suffered hearing a lot of things on it.

I wanted to share the article with everyone

Here i cut and paste:

15 Things You Should Never Say To An Autistic
Trigger warning: Quotes of things that shouldn't be said. They can be ableist and triggering.

Edit 17 Apr. 2012: After receiving a slice of humble pie over the anonymity of the internet for language that was interpreted as cissexist, binarist, and inaccurate, I've revised the language in number 13.

Note: I use identity-first language (i.e. "autistic person") and not the politically correct person-first (i.e. "person with autism") because I'm not a person with Asianness or a person with womanliness. Calling me an Asian or woman doesn't mean I'm not a person and neither does calling me an Autistic.

15 Things You Should Never Say To An Autistic

There could really be a hundred or a thousand of these, but I've decided to choose just fifteen for the sake of brevity and not imploding anyone's browser. All of these things have actually been said to Autistics, children and adults, and some of them are unfortunately very common. Some happen more often over the internet, and some happen more often in person, but they're all phrases or questions that can be incredibly hurtful. Sometimes people who say these things are well-meaning, which can make the impact even worse. Especially in those cases, people might not understand why these can be so offensive and hurtful, and occasionally insist that what they're saying is a compliment, even when it's not.



1. "So is that like being ret*d?"
Factually speaking, Autistic people in many cases do not have an intellectual or cognitive disability, and many people with intellectual or cognitive disabilities are not also Autistic. There are some Autistic people who also have an intellectual or cognitive disability. Nevertheless, the word "ret*d" is often very hurtful for Autistic people, as it is frequently used as an insult to dehumanize people with developmental and intellectual disabilities. The r-word is often used to express hatred for people with disabilities. Please don't use it.

2. "You should be very proud of yourself. You seem so normal. I couldn't tell that you're Autistic."
While this is rarely said to Autistic people whose disability is very visible, it is very frequently said to Autistic people with much more invisible disability. It's insulting because it suggests that because the person doesn't appear to be disabled or doesn't fit preconceptions of what Autistic people are supposed to sound or act like, that person must therefore not have a disability or be Autistic. It also suggests that "normal" is the standard to which anyone should aspire to appear or act (and that "normalization" should be the ultimate goal of therapies or treatments for autism rather than pragmatic coping skills to navigate a world where Autistics are a minority), and therefore that it's not good to act or speak in ways commonly associated with being Autistic, even if those behaviors don't actually hurt anyone. This is very dismissive of a person's disability and experiences.

3. "You must be very high-functioning."
Many Autistic adults take issue with the "high-functioning" and "low-functioning" labels for a variety of reasons. Some people have received both labels but at different times in their lives, and many Autistics have very uneven skill levels -- some people who might be able to articulate their ideas very well at a conference may be unable to travel alone or cook for themselves, while some people who are unable to communicate with oral speech might be able to live independently. That debate aside, this is also very dismissive of a person's individual experiences with disability. Unless you know someone very, very well, you have no way of knowing what specific adaptive functioning skills or life skills a person has or what his or her needs and challenges might be, and it's not possible to acquire that information simply by looking at a person.

4. "You're not like my child; you can write a blog post. My child will never be able to write a blog post."
Not everyone who can write a blog post can live independently, tend to their own activities of daily life, get and keep a job, complete higher education, travel alone, communicate with oral speech, or manage their own finances. The ability to write a blog post says absolutely nothing about a person's needs and challenges, and how disability might affect an individual person. There are people like Amy Sequenzia, Larry Bissonnette, Amanda Baggs, Tracy Thresher, Hope Block, Sue Rubin, and Carly Fleischmann, all of whom are non-speaking Autistics or people with autism who have given presentations at conferences, written blog posts, written letters to the editor, published articles in newsletters or journals, and visited legislators. Other people, like Kassiane Sibley and Kathryn Bjørnstad, who are frequently touted as "high-functioning" because of their blogs, do not have consistent adaptive functioning abilities.

5. "I know a kid whose autism is really severe. You don't seem like him."
Every Autistic person is different from every other Autistic person. Among Autistics, there is a huge range in individual abilities, skills, needs, and challenges. It is impossible to know what an Autistic's abilities and skills versus needs and challenges after a brief conversation either in person or in the comments thread of an internet post. What makes Autistic people a group united by a shared diagnosis are the commonalities of all Autistic people. All Autistic people share some of the same core characteristics that define autism -- key differences in neurological functioning, sensory and cognitive processing, and communication abilities that often manifest as disability. If an Autistic person was diagnosed by a qualified clinician familiar with autism, that person is Autistic, regardless of whether they look, speak, or act like another Autistic person.

6. "Can you have sex?"
Yes, Autistic people can have sex. Some get married and have children. Some have Autistic children. Other Autistic people are never taught about sex, for a variety of reasons. Autistic people, like all people with developmental disabilities, are at much higher risk for abuse or victimization -- sexual or otherwise -- than the general population, but that doesn't mean that Autistic people don't know about or can't have sex.

7. "Does that mean you're really good at math/computers/numbers?"
If there's one thing that's sure to offend an Autistic, it's seeing him or her in terms of common stereotypes about autism. A very small minority of Autistics are also savants. Many Autistics have higher than average measured IQ, and many Autistics have measured IQ that falls right into the median, while still others have an intellectual or cognitive disability. Some Autistics have dyscalculia or similar learning disabilities, and actually find math to be extremely difficult. Other Autistics, including those who might be good at math, simply don't like it. And yes, some Autistics happen to be excellent with math and enjoy working or studying in related fields. There are Autistics who are relatively computer illiterate as well as Autistics who thrive in the IT world and community. Asking if we like math, computers, or numbers because we're Autistic is like asking a Black or African American if he or she likes watermelons or rap music because he or she is Black or African American.

8. "But you're married/have a job/go to college. You couldn't do that if you were really Autistic."
Yes, it's true that every Autistic isn't going to get married, have a job, or go to college. But plenty of Autistics do get married, have jobs, or go to college. This statement is insulting because it's ableist. (For those who may not regularly read my blog, ableism is like racism, ageism, or sexism, but directed toward people with disabilities.) While not every Autistic person may be able to do all or some of these things, it's very ableist to assume that no Autistic person can or that anyone who can must not be Autistic.

9. "Do you take any medications for that?"
This is a very personal decision. Some Autistic people take medications for various reasons, and some do not take any medications. You wouldn't ask a stranger if he or she was on medication for anything, so you shouldn't ask an Autistic person whom you don't know very well if he or she takes medications either. This is very rude to ask someone, especially someone whom you do not know well. The only context in which such personal questions are appropriate with strangers or acquaintances might be during a conference or panel presentation where the Autistic speaker is specifically speaking about his or her experiences.

10. "You have no right to claim to speak for severely Autistic people who can't speak for themselves."
Firstly, any non-speaking Autistics can speak for themselves. People like Amy Sequenzia, Larry Bissonnette, Amanda Baggs, Tracy Thresher, Hope Block, Sue Rubin, and Carly Fleischmann are all non-speaking and they can speak quite capably for themselves. Secondly, while every Autistic person has different abilities and needs, that does not mean that Autistic people who may present as highly verbal or invisibly disabled cannot speak to the commonalities that they have with Autistic people who do not present the same way as themselves. Furthermore, any Autistic person will understand another Autistic person's experiences far better than any non-Autistic person by nature of also being Autistic. That doesn't mean that I should be advocating for your child in his or her school (unless you ask me to do that, it's not my place), or that I know your child's particular quirks or personality, because unless I actually spend time with your child, I don't and won't. It does mean that I share the way your child experiences the world, and can speak to that.

11. "Can you please not flap/rock/spin/jump in public? It's embarrassing."
Flapping, rocking, spinning, jumping, or other stimming (calming behaviors), in the vast majority of cases, hurts neither the person doing it nor anyone else nearby. There's nothing wrong with stimming, and this statement communicates that the Autistic person should stop acting like him or herself or stop moving in ways that come naturally and instinctively. This is like asking a Christian who likes to wear cross jewelry to please not wear a cross necklace in public, or asking a Latino or Hispanic from an hispanohablante country to please not speak Spanish while in public. It's very offensive, and for some people, could be very triggering (psychologically and emotionally traumatic).

12. "You mean you are a person with autism. You are a person first, not a disability or a disorder label."
Some people on the autism spectrum do prefer to be called people with autism, and if talking to someone who does, you should call him or her a person with autism. Many of us, however, prefer to be called Autistic or Autistic people, and if you are talking to someone who prefers to be called Autistic, you should also respect his or her preferences in referring to him or herself, and call that person Autistic. Everyone has the right to decide how they would like to be described, and you should respect that right.

13. "What's it like to be Autistic?"
Just as it would be improper, rude, and demeaning for someone to ask me what it is like to be Asian, it is improper, rude, and demeaning to ask people belonging to any marginalized group what it is like to be the way that they are. You shouldn't ask someone whom you don't know well what it's like to be Autistic outside the context of a conference or panel presentation about that person's experiences--in which case, more specific questions might actually be better and more effective--and if the person is someone whom you know well, you still should refrain from any variation on this question if the person has made it clear that the topic is an uncomfortable or off-limits one. Besides, every Autistic person's experiences vary so much that it'd be an injustice to all of us for you to ask a question that implies that there's one way to experience being Autistic. While we share certain characteristics and experiences of the world, our life stories and our experiences with people and ableism are vastly different.

14. "Have you ever heard of Temple Grandin? Her books are really amazing!"
The answer is almost always yes. But it gets very tiresome for Autistic people to constantly hear about Temple Grandin day in and day out. There are many prominent Autistic people in diverse fields and known for a variety of accomplishments, and it's very annoying to be constantly compared to the one same person all the time.

15. (Asking a question about the Autistic person to a parent, support person, aide, sibling, or friend who is standing or sitting beside the Autistic person )
Please don't talk about us as if we're not in the room when we're sitting or standing right here. Just don't. The message that that communicates to us is that we don't matter and can't possibly have anything meaningful to communicate.

Actually, the only thing that offends me is a bad attitude. If an NT were to ask me these questions while not exhibiting a bad attitude, I'm not going to be offended. The last thing I want is for NT's to think they have to walk on eggshells around me; that will only lead to further estrangement. I have enough problems getting along with others as it is. The last thing I want to do is to make myself harder to deal with for NT's intentionally.

Do you mean like it would come down to the intentions of the NT or whoever is asking?
If someone is being mean and has bad intentions?

Some of the questions are very insulting and rude so i can understand it would be hurtful.
I would have been offended before by some questions on the list or things (people asking about me as if i am not there when i am, yet they ask my partner as if i dont exist).

Then again everyone is different and opinions may vary..

Exactly. If somebody obviously has bad intent, I don't want anything to do with them no matter what questions they may ask.

I agree that the questions aren't very nice. But some people just aren't going to be aware of that; they have problems of their own, such as low intelligence or minimal education. The way I look at this situation is that I can't very well expect people to tolerate my idiosyncrasies if I'm not willing to tolerate theirs.

I would add that the best way to refute these questions is with personal behavior that makes obvious the ignorance of these questions. People are a lot more likely to take notice of our actions than our indignation.

That is a good list. The "have you heard of Temple Grandin" one made me laugh. A few people have asked me that.

Daydreamer, I have been asked the same thing, and it never even occurred to me to be offended by it. In fact, I learned who Grandin was from such a question from an NT.

Some people are trying to understand and learn. Like Thelibrarian wrote about bad attitude, wanting to understand is a good attitude.

That reminds me of this video.

Oh, I wasn't offended either. I found it a bit annoying to keep hearing about her and how successful she is but not offensive at all. It was just funny to read it in the list.

I agree that people shouldn't be blamed for saying the things in the list when they have good intentions. However, we can vent about how annoying it is to hear such things and maybe laugh about it too. All of the statements in the list are things I can imagine someone saying with good intentions and similar things have been said to me with good intentions behind them like, "I didn't know those kids could go to university" and "....but you seem so normal". Maybe there should be an addendum to the list saying that it isn't meant to be cruel to people who have said such things and that we understand that people usually do not intend to offend with these comments. On the other hand people who say these things should know that they can offend some people and annoy or frustrate others, even if it's unintentional.

Daydreamer, I agree. Laughter is the best medicine. It sure beats crying or getting angry.

Related to the "Temple Grandin" one: some of the new people I work with (in a bookshop) don't know that I am autistic. One keeps recommending "The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time" to me, because it "really opens your eyes to how some people live" (the main character is HFA).

1- I've never been asked that
2- never been told that
3- never been told that
4- never been told that
5- never been told that
6- never been asked that
7- I've been asked that. I was annoyed because I don't like stereotypes
8- never been told that
9- I've been asked that. I take a med but it is for attention deficit disorder. It seems to have a good effect on my AS too, though
I didn't consider it a rude thing. I just didn't care
10- never been told that, because I don't speak on other people's behalf and I don't think I have any right to do so, since I don't know what they think
11- I've been told that, but just ignored it and didn't care
12- no one has ever told me that. However, I don't like labels myself, and I don't care if I'll be called "autistic", or in any other way. It won't change who I am
13- never been asked that
14- this didn't happen to me with Temple Grandin, but with Einstein, Newton and other famous people. It is annoying because it's neither certain if those people were really autistic or not, and since they died no one will ever know
15- never happened to me

As far as I know, Temple is alive.
I don't let others know, but I'm sure some people have an inkling. Even so, I've not been told anything.

I really like this one better. It's cool, kinda amusing and seems very to the point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WDWX196PLY

Some more things an Aspie doesn't wanna hear.

"Your wallet or your life!"...
"Please fasten your seat belts we're about to crash"...
"Here! Eat this Apple!"
"Size doesn't matter, honey."
"We need to talk"...
"Can I sit by you? It's ok! Its a Service Tiger."
"Oh, wow, there's an irony; I was just about to pick up that dog poop!"

In regards to number 1 that R word was used not in a very nice way while talking to me and it was very offensive to hear it used in the way it was used.