I hope others can relate

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This past month has been one mental breakthrough after another, and I really just need some help sorting through all these thoughts. I've been "going through the motions" in life for far too long and it's time to figure out why.

A few weeks ago, while on a mission to get to the root of the bizarre mental state I've been stuck in my entire life, I stumbled across the aspie page on tvtropes. That's when the light turned on. Everything I've been struggling with in what seemed like my mental prison for so many years was in plain text, right there in front of me. Common knowledge. Standard neurological issue. Take a number.

Now, while this was difficult to deal with at first, I came to terms with the fact that I'm on a spectrum, along with thousands of others, but I am still an individual. Butttttttttt here's where it gets complicated for me. I started to realize that while ASD explained a lot about my life, thoughts, and actions, it didn't explain everything. I am still constantly having bizarre thoughts that even other aspies don't deal with or relate to.

Fast forward three weeks, and again, while researching and trying to better understand myself, I ended up in the "personal fable" wiki. If you aren't familiar with this concept, check out the wiki. Reading through this was an eye-opening experience for me. All of my life's problems, that I've been struggling with alone for years to overcome, are pretty much just general knowledge posted on a free online encyclopedia.

After 20 long years, I'm only now beginning to fully understand and utilize concepts like theory of mind. Is this something that all people just have? Why did it take me so long to figure it out? So many of the "everyday" happenings and problems that normal people routinely deal with without giving them a second thought could potentially keep me up for days.

It almost feels like I'm playing life on hard mode. I waste so much of my time and effort thinking about ideas and concepts that I know are completely asinine, yet so far have been powerless to stop them. I know that things like what song is playing in my car while I'm pulling up to a gas station don't matter, yet I always make sure something "critically acclaimed" is on so I make the right impression. Who am I trying to impress you ask? No f*****g clue. Yet these thoughts have, until now, controlled my life. That's why I bought a $50,000 sports car even though I knew how terrible of a decision it was. That's why socializing feels like a chore to me. That's why I constantly obsess over meaningless physical details while getting ready to go out. That's why I spent nearly $200,000 buying a business for my parents before securing my own financial future. I constantly need to portray a "successful" image to everyone in my life, even to people who are for the most part completely irrelevant (to me). These types of thoughts combined with a lot of my aspie traits make quickly adapting to new social situations extremely difficult and sometimes induce severe anxiety. In my mind, the two things NTs value the most among their peers seem to be appearance and financial status, so I intentionally channel my ASD towards makings those two areas my life's focus.

I'm gonna go ahead and end this rant here before I make too much of a fool out of myself but if anyone else can relate at all, please speak up. I've dealt with this stuff on my own for way too long.

Last edited by hubertCumberdale on 14 Oct 2013, 7:56 pm, edited 3 times in total.

This song I think sums up you life.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwOLao800gI[/youtube]

wow lol feels like the beginning of that song is straight out of the 17 year old me's mouth.

I'm not able to link it but the song Admit It by Say Anything is the best glimpse of the way my mind works.

*edit - link

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6AShxoqK9Q[/youtube]

Last edited by hubertCumberdale on 14 Oct 2013, 7:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Well, hundreds of hours of self-analysis have led me to what I believe is the next step. I'm pretty much a textbook case of neurotic aspie/NLD.

here's some stuff to look into if you are relating to what i'm saying:
nonverbal learning disability
neurosis, specifically, horney's theory
personal fable
egocentrism
thought disorder

What I'm trying to figure out now is what's next. In the last few months, I've basically spent all my time intensely observing my own thoughts, behaviors, values, and struggles, and I've managed to discover the reasons behind most if not all of them. But now what? How do other people deal with this new knowledge? What do I do with it? How do I improve my life based on this new information? (in other words, how do I manage the self-actualization process? Google Maslow's characteristics of self-actualizers if you aren't familiar with the term)

Last edited by hubertCumberdale on 14 Oct 2013, 5:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Well what car did you buy? That kind of financial leverage invokes questions about your tastes. As an aspie about your age, I really must say, sports cars are actually pretty practical in our case, they keep us punctual and entertained in the process. That's surely not as impulsive as half of anything one could buy. My hooliganism behind the wheel keeps me sane enough for getting all kinds of work done, when I find some time to rewrite my resume I can't even be sure what I'll be qualified for next, I'd be a wreck if I never invested in thrills.

I cannot relate to being able to afford a 50K sports car and I am more than twice your age and have completed graduate school.

I am not sure I understand what is "bizarre" about your mental state. It sounds along the lines of many people your age.

The reason I can afford these things is because I've devoted a huge portion of my life to figuring out how to exploit NT tendencies, and have used those concepts to help me make money through playing poker. Society has invented it's own tool to even the playing field between all humans, money. As long as you have enough money, you are, generally speaking, much better equipped to deal with these neurological conditions as they effect your day to day life. That is precisely why making money and becoming financially secure are among my top priorities, along with finding other people that think like me to connect with.

You realize I still have to laugh...even if you devoted your entire life, from the day you were born, you would have not yet devoted half of my life! It reminds me of when my 8 year old daughter declares something was true when she was "little," but not true anymore.

What about your thoughts do you find "bizarre"? Many people your age are very concerned about appearances and what other people think.

Well obviously we are all different people that deal with their own situations in their own ways but luckily the path I chose, through hard work and persistence, has put me in an above average financial situation for my age. Not sure what else I can say about that.

The second part of our misunderstanding is most likely a mistake on my end, I don't think I did a good enough job illustrating the severity and intrusiveness of my obsessions in my original post. I'll go back and try and think of a more effective way to get what I'm trying to say across.

Interesting? I always wonder of aspies could be good at poker. One of the things that my psychiatrist had told me is that unlike NT's. Aspie's don't have a direct link between there emotions and there facial/body expressions. Since poker is mostly about reading other peoples facial expression. As an aspie. You could project any face you like regardless of you emotional state and that alone cam give you the edge in the game. Of course. there is the reading of facial expression that you have to learn to do because of the emotional disconnect.

In my experience, aspies definitely do have the potential to succeed in poker but it takes us much longer than NTs to develop the skills you mentioned. It has taken me three years of playing and studying the game regularly but I have finally reached a point where I am extremely confident in my ability to continue making money playing poker. I've learned to portray an indifferent facial expression at all times during a poker session, ignoring my actual emotions. Adjustments like these, along with identifying "false tells", took a lot of trial and error and persistence to develop however, when compared to how easily most NTs develop them. I was not particularly successful in my poker career until well after two years of consistently losing all the money I earned making minimum wage week after week.

Last edited by hubertCumberdale on 14 Oct 2013, 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXL65Nd_O1o[/youtube]