NT Empathy, Say What?

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately and come to the conclussion that a higher rate of empathy among NTs' is only a myth.

When my first husband passed away, everyone, NTs' included, were incredibly kind. They sent flowers, gave money, brought casseroles. I was pregnant at the time with youngest son and I was given FIVE cribs. People caring made such a huge difference. Only one thing bothered me. That is when people [so many of them] would say "I know exactly how you feel." I know that their intentions were good but I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from angrily saying "How the hell could you possibly know how I feel?' looking back, it was generally the most confident of NT's who said that.

When my son became ill, there were a number of people who were supportive [actually, much less support than I would have liked] and once again I heard things like 'I know exactly how you feel. My son has migraines ." {WHAT?] once again, it was the NTs' at the top of the pecking order, who truly cared[maybe] who "Knew exactly how we felt."

Diagnosed with cancer. By then I had a pretty good idea who all the group leaders were and knew who in advance would tell me that they knew "Exactly " how I felt. Oh yeah, until they decided [if the leaders say it's true, by golly it must be] that I was FAKING breast cancer.[ this was at a nudist resort folks, and I was walking around there with my maimed, scarred, sunken chest only days after my double mastectomy]

Many autists, or people I suspect are autists, would come up to me, eyes downcast, and quietly say something like. "I don't know what to say, but I'm really sorry. Here's the banana bread i made you." or something like that. What they were saying was perfect. They didn't know what to say or how I was feeling? Hell, my raw emotions were running in a gazillion directions a millisecond.

So, I truly think that NT's do not tend to posses as much empathy as they do presumption, and the two words are not even remotely synonymous.

Thank you for this post. Very well said!

I believe that from the aspies I have known over the years...their empathy runs deep and true. It is indeed very kind and comforting for someone to say to me "I can only imagine what you must be going through" rather than "I know exactly how you feel." Being able to relate due to a similar experience (for example: also losing one's mom as a teenager) is not the same as knowing exactly what a person's emotions, memories, and outside hardships, or circumstances are. Everyone is different.

I need to add that I did appreciate the support that anyone, NT or autist has given during tough times. my point is only that times like that remind me that the presumption of more empathy in NT's is a myth.

Also, starting Wednesday am getting a series of tests to see how I am doing [cancerwise] I would really appreciate your prayers and good thoughts being sent my way, and I would also appreciate it greatly if you would TELL ME that you are praying or sending good thoughts.

Thank you

Vicky

I obviously don't have any idea what you are going through but I wish you all the best. I know when I was feeling down your message on another thread helped raise my spirits when I was feeling negatively about myself and how no "normal" person wants me. Allow me to return the cyberhug you gave me

All I can say in based on my bullying experiences, I would say Aspies have MORE empathy than NTs on average. I find that around 35 years is the mark where where I find people are generally empathic: before that it is quite rare. I try not to be too hard on people though: if a 6'6" alpha looking male came up to me and told me how girls used to psychologically torture him and boys used to beat him regularly I would probably assume it was a joke without my own experiences. Sadly in my case that's exactly what happened. I even told a counselor recently "I do think you care but you do NOT understand" and that applies to nearly everyone under 35. I met a diagnosed Autistic girl recently and it was obviously she cared very deeply and yes, she also told of tales of bullying and exclusion and did not know about my almost-certainly-Aspergers that I will try to get formally diagnosed next year. All I can say is I feel so fortunate to be a WP member and I have never had anything more than minor negative experiences here in the past 18 months. In real life, I wish I could say the same.

I understand exactly what you mean about the intentions are good but that doesn't mean my tounge is not black from bruising. Sorry, you being teased in 8th grade does not compare to fearing for your life because kids have told you they would love to see you dead and if they could get away with it they would..... just because you have Aspergers and have a kind heart. I suppose it is better than "yeah, I wish they did kill you" but it doesn't mean it less aggravating, especially when you are told you are the one who lacks empathy.

Here is my prayer for you. It's it is not typical a bit rude and not socially conventional and a little humorous I hope

Dear God,

Can you give the nice lady vickygleitz a f*****g break already?????

Thank You

I'm praying for you/sending out good thoughts, for what it's worth.

I also hate the "I know exactly how you feel" type comments.

I noticed that some show empathy, others do not appear to have it.

OMG That is the BEST prayer EVER. It made me laugh. Thank you.

You are very welcome.

I also think NTs having Empathy is a myth I know one who is supposed to have empathy as she takes people with disabilities away on tours but she bullies the ones she doesn't like. and says things about them behind their backs

Vickygleitz I'm sending my best wishes to you.
Hope things work out for you.

Vicky - I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you have a blessed week.

I don't know exactly how I feel. So how could anyone else know? And even if they did, how would I know they were right?

I've never noticed people say 'I know how you feel.' Now I will keep my ear out for it and then glare at people when they do say it.

Best of luck on your treatment. I like to keep my prayers private and only said before I go to bed but I promise you I will say something.

i believe autistics lacking empathy is a myth too. and it makes some of us feel like we're coldhearted and mean, and nts are not.

not saying nts dont have empathy, but empathy is not exactly something one party has and the other doesnt. sometimes its your personality as well.

I still don't exactly understand what empathy actually is, as I've seen people feel or show it in some situations but not in others. Having empathy can be subjective, not everyone feels or shows it in every single appropriate situation. Often I've been criticised because I prefer to do something one way and another person thinks I should do it their way, just because they like to do it their way. I remember when I was being bullied, and quite a tough person at my volunteer job said I should punch them in the face. Then another NT said to this tough person, ''I know you mean well, but it's not in everyone to just punch people in the face.'' I agreed with her, although the tough one did mean well and was only sticking up for me. I don't know if that is anything to do with empathy or not, but I have been told that empathy isn't just being thoughtful to everyone, but also means keeping in mind that other people have different views and ways.

I don't know if this is to do with empathy either, but often when I'm writing on internet forums like this one, I come across a word what I have a feeling isn't used in America or means the same in America and is does in the UK, like ''strop'' meaning ''hostile temper'' or ''I fancy him/her'' meaning ''I'm sexually attracted to him/her''. So I have to think of a different word what I know Americans use, or put in brackets what the British meaning to it is, because there are a lot of Americans on here. Usually most people (NTs as well) just write the words they know of and would only translate it into another nationality if somebody asks in another post. Otherwise they don't really think. I find myself putting myself in other people's shoes more than the average person does. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally sensitive perhaps?

I've seen NTs express sympathy, maybe not empathy--they know the right thing to say in a situation, even if they themselves don't feel it. I do think that people on the spectrum feel empathy, much more so than they do sympathy. In your case, with the suspected autistics, expression of emotion might be difficult--so that when they do express it, it's more genuine.

I hope your tests turn out OK!