Autistic identity limiting?

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It's almost exactly a year since I was official diagnosed with ASD. I'm in my early twenties and in a way I'm still adjusting to the diagnosis. The biggest thing I've noticed is that my confidence has kind of dropped, a lot.

Until I was assessed I honestly had no idea that I had social difficulties. I was always weird, I always missed jokes and had weird interests and people would sometimes look a bit dazed when I spoke, but my family always just went 'it's because she's clever' or 'she's in a world of her own'. Then when I got assessed I realised that actually, there is some stuff I am really bad at.

Learning more about ASD has helped me, undeniably so. It's explained so much about me and finally given me an answer for all the stuff that I used to think was my fault, or because I wasn't trying hard enough. But I have noticed that it has also made me almost wary about showing my ability in somethings.

To a lot of people I don't come across as autistic. I got very good at 'passing' because it was a natural defense mechanism. It left me exhausted and with a load of issues but it means that often when I tell people I'm on the spectrum they look at me with surprise or use that term (that I kind of hate) 'mild autism'.

The thing is, I'm not 'mildly' autistic. I'm autistic. But I also am bright and so growing up taught myself a lot of the things that people on the spectrum need extra help with. I studied people, researched behaviour, language, vocabulary, sarcasm etc. I developed a fantastic ability to read people in context from a distance and apply that learning. That doesn't mean I am not autistic in the same way someone who struggles more with that is. I still don't have the 'instinct'. I still have to watch a new shop every day for a week, what people do when they enter, who you talk to, how the queue works, when they give change etc. before I feel able to go in that shop and buy something. I still find vague language infuriating. I just have coping methods. And when I had my assessment it proved I am, thoroughly, autistic, in all catagories.

But I think as a reaction to this perception I have almost been wary of appearing too capable.

For the first time in my life people are willing to help me. I'm getting understanding instead of chastisement at stuff I always felt was my fault growing up. I'm discovering I am allowed to complain about things because I need routine and it's reasonable to expect others to keep this in mind in daily life when they know. I don't have to feel guilty about being 'picky' sometimes because I am very sensory hypersensitive. And yet I have this irrational fear that if I show how I can be extremely good at diplomacy, at group work, at communication in a professional environment (because there are rules I have learnt inside out) people will say 'well you're not really autistic', or, 'it doesn't effect you much' and withdraw their help.

I know to a certain extent this is doing a disservice to people. It comes from a place of insecurity and fear and people may not react this way, and if they do I can correct them.

But I have noticed I am getting so anxious about this stuff I am performing worse than usual. In situations where I could perform brilliantly I'm suddenly stumbling and self conscious and awkward. I find myself telling people I'm bad at social stuff when in fact I am good at it, not small talk etc., but I am good because I worked at it, yet I feel almost ashamed to admit this.

For so long I have been the 'clever' 'normal' sibling (my brother has SLD) and felt exhausted ad bad because I kept getting stuff wrong, I feel I'm clinging too tightly to the I Am Autistic identity just because it allows me the room to repair my sense of self worth, except now it's become such a security thing that I almost want to appear more autistic to outside people so they don't automatically judge me by NT standards whilst feeling guilty about performing to an NT standard in some things because it's like I'm 'not really autistic'.

Has anyone else with a late diagnosis had this? If so, how did you manage to reconcile the identity issue?

I often struggle to explain this to people, because the blunt explanation sounds arrogant, and I do not mean that at all, but the fact is, I'm smart. I'm intelligent so it means when I've had difficulties I've worked exhaustively to find ways around them, cover them etc.. It means I treat social situations like a foreign language class where body language, intonation, vocabulary are all pieces of a puzzle to be put together and connotations read and multiple analyses produced narrowed down with other contextual details. I analyse and asses everything, theorise about why, how, when for multiple things. I kind of write instruction manuals in my head. This means I can pass as NT, or better than NT. This also means I have to then explain I am still autistic. And I guess since the identity is so new to me, I am still irrationally scared of someone trying to take it away or invalidate it.

Autism should not be the entirety of your identify.

It does not have to define you.

Your identity is what you think, what you feel, and what you do.

It really seems like you've been able to adjust well, despite your autism.

(or maybe, to some extent, because of it?)

You could do great things despite your autism

(or maybe because of your autism?)

Wow, this is definitely the most relatable depiction of my own ASD in someone else I've read here or anywhere else. Which makes sense considering I've identified more with the descriptions of females on the spectrum, in their ability to adapt and blend to social situations to a greater degree than most males. (I've always had friends, girlfriends, (was) pretty outgoing in my younger years-- but,under the surface.....

I too was diagnosed later in life, and I think what you're describing is pretty normal for those of us picked off a couple of decades+ later than the kids these days. It's the answer to what you were probably asking yourself your entire life,so, it's only natural that you'd want to lean on it as a crutch of comfort/explanation.

But as Kraftie beautifully stated--"Autism should not be the entirety of your identify.

It does not have to define you.

Your identity is what you think, what you feel, and what you do."

Anyway, I'd love to talk with you more somehow someway if at all possible (that goes for the lot of you as well, as I've never knowingly had a real conversation with anyone else with ASD)

I got my diagnosis last year too, so I am still in the "getting used to it" phase (diagnosed at the grand old age of 49!!). KraftieKortie is right, the autistic identity is only one facet of who we are. I think it feels like a very big part right now because it is so new. I spent the first six months going around re-examining every part of my personality and childhood, thinking, "is this an autistic thing? Is this?" endlessly and obsessively. Now i am going around trying to figure out better ways to cope with my deficits and accommodate them where possible.

I've gotten the message of "you're too normal-acting/too competent to be autistic" as well, particularly from people who might be able to help, like psychiatrists and therapists. I don't think you should act in any way different from what you are (that is, don't pretend to be less competent just to get help). You need help, no matter how you act on the surface. Female autistics tend to be pretty good at passing--the pressure to fit in socially is greater for teen girls, and you can get away with a lot by being quiet. That doesn't mean that there isn't ways you can live better.

You may get your naysayers, especially if their experience with ASD is limited. It really hurt when a psychiatrist told me I couldn't be ASD because I had a job, a spouse, was too articulate, and not weird enough. I guess the best advice i can give is to ask people to be patient and get to know you better.

If I were you, I would not limit myself through an autistic identity.
Instead, I would make use of and improve my abilities to do what I want to do in life.