Keeping conversations moving

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So, I'm doing some more online tests, as eventual evidence to support my case when I ask my parents to help me be evaluated. I have some questions about one of the questions, though.

The prompt "I often find I don't know how to keep conversations moving" gives me problems.

See, usually when someone else offers a comment to the conversation, I have utterly no response. I either just don't care enough or am not inspire to say something about what they said, even if I do care. There just aren't words in my mind to say in response. Like, I blank. So, my tactic is to just ask another question that is vaguely related to what they said, or change the subject with a new question. It's what other people seem to do, except I can't always keep branching of the other person's response the way other people can. Also, I believe other people usually care about the conversations they have? I do it more to keep people from thinking/knowing I'm disinterested.

For example, "We went to Florida." "Oh. (oh I don't give a damn). Where in Florida (as if I care or am even familiar with what region of Florida you visited)." I mean, I can only thinks of so many questions related to Florida, so soon after the questions becomes "Did you do anything else?"

So, I can move conversations (or at least, keep them from stopping altogether) but I recognize that it isn't a natural thing for me. In fact, I know I started doing the questions thing some time in late middle school or early high, I remember first recognizing that that's how you stop conversations form ending. SO....is this how every other typical person does it, or do they not have to think about it so much haha?

As far as I can tell NT's can do this without trying, it just comes naturally.

unlike you I really care about getting friends - I have been alone too many times in my life and I hate it. So I do make the attempts and I am interested in peoples lives in order to get to know them better as friends, however the banter does not come naturally to me as it seems to them (especially when in groups) - I have learned a little bit about what to ask but I do have to think about each question and I am pretty sure I come out somewhat stilted.

I don't know how NT's do it, though I would imagine it varies greatly by individual.

As a bit of a test, I just went to Amazon and queried for books on conversation. The first 4 pages of search results included over 30 books devoted to how to improve one's conversation skills. This plentiful supply of study materials suggests to me that many people do consciously seek (and presumably apply) tools and techniques for improving their conversation skills. If NT"s are actively seeking to improve their performance in the Art of Conversation, then I might think it would behoove me to be open to doing that also.

That said, whether I choose to go to that effort is another matter.

okay I guess I wasn't entirely clear on this bit- I am interested in some people's lives and I wouldn't mind a friend/friends/signif other if it worked out somehow, it's just in the context of conversations (when I do care) I'm still blank. And if I don't care about the person, then I don't care about their life much. Even so, I would have a similar conversation with someone I am interested in.

"We went to Florida." "Oh. (there are no words for me to use? I don't have much of an opinion about Florida. I have no words in my mind to use. Ask a nonspecific question!) Where in Florida? (as if I am even familiar with regions of Florida, and as if it matters where in Florida you went, who cares. You went to Florida. Done.)"

see that's the thing, we must be different (I have heard men and womyn aspergers are) I have an in-satiable curiosity, so I want to know all bout Florida, so "where in Florida" is the next question. I may not have the slightest idea if they name a city other than Miami or the area of the everglades (where I have a cousin - yup I am related to hicks) but at least I can find out where and then ask, so what is it like there & what do you do there - sure if Disney world happens to be in the city they name and it is an idiotic question I look like a fool, but I don't care, it continues the conversation.

Conversations seems to go something this.

Oh well how are you?, what is you're name, where are you from, what do you like. Then comes stuff like what do you do, what do you work with, how much do you earn, what is your ambitions for the future. What is your world about x.

But surely you must have on opinion on this world view, or this something bla bla. No i dont, but i like to spend time in peace and quiet in the forrest.

Then at some point if i havent stopped responding, i already got labeled as a wierdo and they moved on or

Then i am bored after responding to so many bored questions. honestly dont get with people talk about, if its crap like that, i would be even more miserable.

Yep, I know this feeling. Unfortunately I feel like I absolutely have to take part in these trivial interactions with people or else I'm the frigid b***h in the room.

Actually, it's funny because I went to my dorm's basement last night to take advantage of the quiet and get ahead on this really confusing reading I have, and of course this group of friendly people decided to come and talk to me. It was almost sort of nice, they were very sweet, but when I thought to myself "Hey! Look you've been in conversation with these people for a whole hour! Asperger's my ass." I quickly realized I had only contributed about four answers to questions about myself, and the rest of the time had been the other people interacting with one another and talking about themselves, with me just sitting in their circle, more or less observing. I think I just became their friend by the default of being near them? Ok.

I think I know what you mean.

I can be a caring person, I will stop and help anyone and if I am in love with someone or share a bond with them I will often sit and listen to them rattling on about anything and everything. In some cases I may just like the sound of their voice (if it is a love interest) and would be willing to sit and listen to them rattle on about the mating life of snails when I have no interest in the mating life of such creatures (although I might do now as how do snails mate exactly?...I just realised I don't actually know) just because I care about them and I like listening to them. Provided I don't need or want to get up and go do something else.

At the same time, if it is a complete stranger, as much as I might stop to help them if they need assistance I really don't want a 3 hour conversation about the mundane minutia of their life and how their hemorrhoid cream is not working and they are heading home to have tot of brandy in their tea as its cold etc. In this instance I want them to go away and stop wittering at me (after 5 or so minutes anyway, before that I don't mind so much, it depends on what I am trying to do at the time if anything at all).

Calculate into that that I don't like my routines pushed out and that I don;t like being distracted when I was on my way to go do something else...

Also if it is someone I know and care about, as much as I will sit and listen to them I won't contribute much to the conversation. If they say to me "I bought a new dress on Friday" I don't really get any response in my head..there is just...silence up there. Its like one of ghosts towns on old cowboy films, nothing but the odd door swinging open and closed in the wind and the odd bit of rubbish or plant material blowing by. I try to be fascinated by the fact that they bought a new dress as I feel as though I am supposed to be but alas....nothing. I simply don't care that they bought a new dress. I am happy to sit and listen sometimes as stated above and if I am not trying to get away to go do something else, but I still can't muster up any interest in the new dress...

It goes like this:

Them: "I went clubbing last saturday"
Me: ..............................
Them: "I am going again this Saturday"
Me ....................
Them "are you going to say anything"
Me: .................................?

To add: it is not so much them I am not interested in but the subject matter they have chosen to talk about. I care about them as a person, I just don't give a s**t about the dress.

Also start a discussion on paleo nutrition, parapsychology (an old interest I used read a lot about and I still have the books for), the true nature of reality, shark movies and/or cross stitching and you will never shut me the hell up.

The point is you had to circumvent your lack of natural ability with an ersatz compensator. A sloppy second. An inferior replacement. Now I'm not saying that to trash your actually worthy accomplishment, but just to recognize it as not being the real thing. The typical person simply hones their natural ability at chitchat. And chitchat really ain't worth chit. Once you have mastered it (so to speak) eventually it won't really be worth the effort. I go to a roundtable meeting twice a month with about 12 guys. 8 out of those 12 don't say much. At least 3 out of the 12 basically say nothing. And those 3 are typicals. You see there are plenty of typicals who don't talk a whole lot or engage in chitchat. But the problem is, we ignore them and focus on the smooth talking social butterflies as who we think we want to be like.

I can kind of relate to what you are saying, if I am understanding you correctly. I have a hard time keeping conversations going and knowing what to say. For the most part, if someone says something to me, I say one of my few "stock answers" I use. Mine are usually "cool" or nodding and smiling or laughing. My mind literally goes blank a lot (especially if someone says something to me and I am not expecting it) and can't even muster anything to say, so I use one of these to get myself through. If the conversation continues, I can sometimes think of different things to say. If not, I continue to use these answers and the conversation usually ends quickly.

When I am discussing things I care about or have a purpose (like work stuff), I can usually do better and form actually response. Sometimes not.

I have a hard time asking people questions about things because I don't like people asking me questions about things, unless its a special interest or I need to tell them something but don't know how.


I don't think most people are that aware or need to think about it, they just do it naturally and effortlessly.

I have a hard time starting conversations with men. Typical scenario: At the store looking at videos and spot a cute guy near by so I try to wrack up the courage to say something about the video I am thinking about buying. If I manage to do so I don't always get a response. And if I do it'll be some monosyllabic answer I can't really build on.

I'm an attractive woman but none of the guys I talk to will help with the conversation. Am I expected to do all the work just because I have boobs? I really want to talk to men but the response I get is never, ever worth the effort. Well once the guy started talking my ear off. About his girlfriend.

All that effort and they won't talk back.

I am constantly amazed how people can go to events where “socialization” or “mingling” occurs (be it parties, networking events, etc.) and survive beyond 5 or 10 minutes.

I am adequate at work events, because I can “talk shop”. Though, when the topic changes to something that is not work related, I freeze up.

Generally, I feel that I have nothing interesting to talk about with others. As I have little in common with most people. I have realized over the years that no one really cares what occupies my mind 24x7.

I have actually had people ( usually my mom) tell me to 'say something'. I'll think for a moment then ask "What should I talk about?". I honestly don't know. Why can't people understand sometime you really don't have anything to talk about?