Eye contact:Love it or hate it?

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I HATE eye contact, and I don't understand why it's so important. I know the arguments. "It's important for people to know you're sincere" "If you don't people think you're lying" "It's open and friendly so if you don't you're an antisocial screw up". What are you supposed to think when you talk on the phone or text? That no one is sincere because you can't see their face? Hmm? INVALID!! I don't look you in the face when I tell the truth either, so I guess no one will ever know if I'm a friggin' liar!
I've gone most of my life without having to do or think about it. It was only up until about a year or two ago that it "became important" because of starting a job and my boyfriend suddenly finding it a problem when I don't use it. For example, when I'm upset I talk with my head down and my eyes away from him because it helps me think of why I'm upset so I can tell him, instead of focusing on him and if what I'm saying is wrong or stupid. He doesn't agree, saying it's important for human interaction, blah blah blah... I tried to tell him that I've never needed it nor thought it was important, and him being the NT couldn't fathom why I wouldn't think it's the most amazing thing in the world
I want to know why it's important - if it is or not - or what i should say to him to prove my point or if i should get over it and assimilate to human social crap.

Direct eye contact seems unnatural and awkward to me, though I'm usually fine with looking in the general direction of a person, depending on who I'm talking to. Of course, some people put me off enough with their mere appearance and the attitude they appear to portray that I can't look at them straight when I try to talk to them.

Doesn't bother me if I'm speaking to someone in depth, I rarely think about it at all. But often, if it's a brief encounter, I will realize later that I just forgot to even look at the person (Which is kind of awful). That happens if somebody approaches my desk when I'm working on something or if I'm ordering food in a restaurant. I really need to work on that.

I hate eye contact. I'll avoid it as much as I can; of course there are times you can't. I hate these moments. I also hate how people think its so important. If I have to I get away with it by looking at the FACE instead of the eyes. The eyes can be so distracting and so horrifying.

It's the giveaway that there's something wrong with you if you don't do it and when you are in a tense situation you lose if there is "something wrong" with you. I struggle with it at work especially when I'm getting constructive (argh!) criticism (double argh!!). I stare right at the bridge of my boss' nose until the helpful conversation is over.
With your boyfriend you could do what I do with my wife, when I know I am supposed to be doing it I say "Asperger's" and get a pass, and a smile usually an mercifully I can stare at the floor or the corner of the window.

conchscooter I'm so using that next time, It'll drive him nuts (Not that that's my goal, but it'd be funny for him to finally be frustrated instead of me. I love him, but he is the most infuriating, frustrating man on the planet) I think that by mentioning it like that, it could help him understand that Aspergers is kind of a constant thing, even when it's just the two of us. I do the bridge of the nose thing too, it's just tedious all together. I've explained my Aspergers to my bosses, and they DO understand that things are.... different(?) with me, if that's the correct word.

JuliaBoon Thank you! Someone who feels exactly how I do. It's too personal a thing with normal interactions.

wozeree I feel bad when that happens too IT's like it's sending the message "You're not important enough, gtfo". I'll even make eye contact fleetingly in ongoing conversations, but it's too strange for me personally

mr_bigmouth_502 "Of course, some people put me off enough with their mere appearance and the attitude they appear to portray that I can't look at them straight when I try to talk to them." YES! Absolutely! It's nothing against them, but It's... Mehhh! That's so hard to put into words, I'm glad you said that.

Nah, I don't like eye contact, pal. Concentrating on those deep, powerful eyes of some people really tire/stun me sometimes so I prefer not to look at them. I just bring my eyes to meet theirs momentarily and that's it. I don't mind eye contact if I'm familiar with that person, though.

The strange thing about the arguments for it is that they don't explain why it's necessary at all, they just explain that people expect it and they draw different assumptions when you have trouble reciprocating it. And the most interesting thing is, which I'm sure some others would report, that when I refrain from eye contact that can actually mean I'm making an effort to pay attention, making an effort to process everything. To ASD people it's like "hello, I know you have eyes and I know what they look like" so why is this required at all?

I can suggest two things here, and they're just my two cents, one for your bf in particular and another cent for people in general.

As for your bf, I don't think it should be out of the question at all for you to explain to him how that refraining from eye contact actually helps you concentrate and express yourself with him, and that you're just as human and are interacting with him, you're just wired a little different. It shouldn't be a big deal for him to want you to be comfortable, and regardless of however much you improve with this I can say from personal experience that it never feels natural and it will always be distracting and inexplicably disconcerting.

Now as for everyone else, you of course can't have that type of an understanding with them. It is pretty much unavoidable that you start actually practicing this and learning how much is too much, how much is too little. Otherwise you won't be able to help that for whatever reason this can often set people on edge. There are actually key moments in a conversation where people check to see if you are making eye contact with them, as for the rest of the time you want to keep eye contact anywhere from 30-40% of the time ideally. You can get by with less than 30% but if you don't reciprocate in those key moments than they will think you are being distant or assume something else. It's hard to define what "key moments" really are, but if I were to take a stab at it I'd say it's when there is a bit of important information or novel idea, a pause, a laugh, a facial expression towards one extreme of the plethora like a smile or smirk as opposed to a slightly "happy looking countenance"?

God, it seems so complicated and inane to me. Sometimes I wish people were more like books, able to express themselves well just using words. Some of the most "human" emotions I've had, when I've been able to feel the most empathy, was during a good book reading session. I try to read someone's face and I think "well, I guess I caught some of that but who the hell knows, it's all so random and it can mean so many different things". Yet when I read a great book it's like the author is laying him/her self bare, it can be just so utterly clear.

It seems to me like this is why it's horrifying: Every other feature of the face and body is kind of "impersonal", if you understand what I mean. But when you look into someone's eyes you are looking right at their sensory equipment, they're are thinking and assessing and you have to completely register that this is another human. That's okay for most people because it's not scary at all that this is another person with a mind and thoughts, they can relate to them much more easily. But we don't understand, we have no idea what kind of appraisal is being made and remade every few seconds, the vast number of impressions that they easily sort through while we're stuck on just the few impressions and assumptions we can handle at once. For an NT to really experience quite what it's like, how unnerving and revealing it can feel, they would have to sit there while a stranger walked up, grabbed his/her arm and took a real good sniff. They'd be thinking "what the hell?" At the same time in this thought experiment we're thinking "well what's the difference?"

@OP: Why don't you explain the whole arm sniffing thing to him and ask him how he would react? Ask him if he feels like that would be invasive?

It makes me feel mightily uncomfortable.
I know why scientifically but it still seems a bit of a mystery.
Also, there are so many other things to look at, even in ordinary situations,
why would I want to waste my time in a conversation staring at two boring spherical objects?
As I wrote this I realised it was an innuendo, I thoroughly apologise. But I don't know how to rephrase it.

I just hate it.

The worst thing I could ever have done was read an article on the importance of bloody eye contact. After that, I found myself staring (unnaturally I think) at others and we'd sort of get caught in this eye-lock thing and I never knew if they were thinking "Wow, This guy's really interested in what I'm saying!" or "What's that weirdo looking at?"

Now I find myself naturally staring away like I used to but occasionally, while they're talking to me, the staring article will pop back in mind and I start the staring thing again. The whole issue just freaks me out. Especially when I catch myself looking elsewhere and think, "I should be looking at them!"

That pretty much sums it up for me, too.

ever since going on anti pyschotics a few years ago,am unable to see eyes,its like they arent even there.
am on halperidol which seems to have worked better than respiridone did for this specific issue.
had never done any eye contact in the slightest until going on respiridone,people think am giving staring eye contact when am not seeing any eyes.

Hate it. I can make it with close friends and family with ease but it's really annoying when meeting strangers because I do struggle with it and it just puts off a bad vibe. I've tried working on it and I have gotten better but I still hate it because I either blush when I make eye contact, find my face's temperature rising, or don't know what is enough.

Eye contact is not an issue, unless I think about it too much. I know I make natural eye contact when talking to people that I know, because I have been told by honest people (who I asked), and as a child I was told that I made normal eye contact too. I know I did anyway, because I can still remember most, if not, all the kid's and teacher's faces (the ones who I remember). And that is not just from photos, but also from memory.

Generally I have no trouble making eye contact with people that I have to make eye contact with for a person, and it does not feel difficult or unnatural to me either. People at work, even those I don't really talk to that much, I still make eye contact and I don't feel afraid to. I have to make eye contact when talking to people because I like to see their facial expressions and stuff whilst their talking. I can make eye contact with strangers, like the cashier in a shop, or the bus-driver when showing my bus pass, and so on.

The only time I feel it's difficult to make eye contact is when passing strangers in the street. If a stranger stops and asks me something (like directions or something), I can make eye contact then. But when just passing a stranger, it find it so difficult to make eye contact for some reason. It just feels awkward and unnatural, and feels like a really big effort to do so. I then get all these self-conscious thoughts, like if I don't make eye contact with a stranger they might think ''what's wrong with that girl? Or what's wrong with me? Most people naturally look at each other when passing, so why hasn't she?'' And then if I do force myself to make eye contact, I keep worrying that they might think, ''what's she looking at? Do I look funny or something? She didn't have to look at me, I didn't know her!'' I know these are mostly irrational thoughts, but I still can't help believing them. I just want to go back to the days where meeting a stranger's eye was subconscious.

I voted for 'couldn't care less'. I don't understand why it matters, and I refuse to get upset over something that seems so pointless to me. If other people have a problem with my level of eye contact, it's their problem.