Am I or am I not Autistic? Opinions?

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Hi, all.

First of all, I know that it's best I go see a Doctor about all this. And that I shall be. But what casts doubt in my mind is the fact that I am very uncertain as to whether it is really worth trying a diagnosis. I would really appreciate some opinions on what I'll cover here and whether you think that it is worth going for a diagnosis. I think it may be, just in case. But uncertain;

To start off with, my childhood was a very rocky one which will be a contribution onto how I manage things today. Home life was always very rocky and depressive and I remember my earliest memories were filled with shouting matches between my father and stepmother. In addition to this, I did not learn proper attachment because I had numerous caregivers between 1-5 which is the period where children learn the art of attaching. I was also very left alone with things and never really allowed to do what I wanted to do (I was 'not allowed' was my main mantra). This in consideration, here's how I was in childhood;

Significant speech delay; didn't speak a word until past aged 3. (coincidently this was when I visited my grandparents for an extended time, where atmosphere was much more peaceful)
Day-wetting up until the age of 10 or so; whether this was due to not being potty trained correctly, I don't know. But I did have a pretty bad urinary tract infection for most my childhood too)
Was not very interested in socializing and didn't like being touched as a child; to the point where a school teacher noticed and had a healthcare worker investigate.
Very hyperactive; even now I can be like this (I'm 28 now). In childhood it was very extreme hyperactivity.
Academically excellent; ahead of myself by a few years in English and Math and generally an 'a' graded student up to the age of 14.
Repetition; watching same movie over and over again. Thats all I know on that.

Today:
Life has been very difficult the past 5 years. I've had meltdowns due to intensive overthinking, general confusion and too much worry.
These days I am extremely hypervigilant and this vigilance does not stop. I seem to overthink everything.
I get on very well with other Autistics. To me, it is far easier to communicate because there's no reading between the lines or trying to understand what the other person is thinking. NT's can often put me on edge. But also, I just simply don't know how to behave in a setting I am not familiar with. I feel very alien and end up wanting to get away. In other words, the way I behave feels very unnatural/or I cannot feel I can be naturally myself.
I was diagnosed Borderline personality disorder because of changes of career, ups and downs, almot homeless 3 times because I could not cope with the limitations my mind was giving me as well as what was happening on the outer. I've always felt somehow different to people and I still do...I can sometimes manage to relax but that relaxation does never happen 100%. I'm always on the alert. It is how I function. To be 'me', well, I have no idea how to do that and how to relax in most company...of course, in some company I'm fine, company that I am used to..that I've known for ages or I intuitively sense is okay..

In terms of things like needing routines, well thats a bit confusing but as a general rule for me, if I'm not doing anything, I feel VERY lost in the world. I feel as if I am gone and I cannot pick myself up. I've been at university for a year and having a weekly timetable has really helped me mentally because there's a purpose to follow and I can create my identity around that and that identity is as permanent as the timetable will be. I don't know if that makes sense..but basically waking up and knowing what I have to do throughout the day is helpful..

at the same time, I've not always been like this. That's the weird thing. I could cope with being a lot freer in mind but for some reason, over the past 5 years, my mind has wound itself up with so many fears and worries that functioning is a difficult thing to do. I get frustrated easily and self-harm by hitting myself and scratching myself if I cannot do something. I end up feeling like I need to scream. And that happens often enough that I don't easily get work done..this frustration stops me from concentrating at all..to a point where I just can't do anything and would rather hide under my bedcovers and pretend the world does not exist for those moments.

In terms of independence, its hard for me. I was almost homeless 3 times due to the inability to pick myself up from the stress I was going through. I am very childish for 28 years old. I could not imagine myself with children, mortgage, let alone a relationship very easily. I still feel like a 15 year old teenager and its been like that for years. However much I want to feel like an adult and try to let go in order to be my age, my fears an thoughts take over. My fears and worries made me panic and quit jobs. My fears of failure made me quit work and my lack of identity made me quit courses. This is the 3rd uni course I'm doing and I'm SO happy Im at my 1st year now.

Emotions, well, I don't know how they come about and where they come from. I don't understand emotions. As I don't understand the world and have been for the majority of my life from teens very confused about the world, so am I confused about my emotions. I often wonder how I should feel about events that are of magnitude. For instance when I look back on my past which was not great, I dont know how to feel. Only how to think and theorize. Of course I feel, but trauma related stuff I have no idea. I dont know how I really feel about anything. Even the things I enjoy.

I try very hard to let go...which should not be effort but letting go is impossible it seems. my mind does not want to stop winding up. my negative cycles take over.

now in terms of ability, yes I have it. Artistically. But I cannot do anything when things feel stressful and little amounts of stress get to me. I have exams in a week and because of my frustration on it, I feel I cannot do anything. I feel almost immobolized and all I think about is wanting to escape the stress by breaking away and running away physically which is what I used to do.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Did you have speech therapy?

**Academic excellence is irrelevant, a lot of people on the spectrum have learning difficulties and struggle in education.

I can't say, but if you haven't always been like this, are your mental health issues causing your problems?

I don't recall.

Yes, admittedly, I based that on a stereotype which is not necessarily true. Sorry.

one of the possible diagnoses it coud be if its clinicaly diagnoseable,coud be RAD [reactive attachment disorder],which is caused by lack of/unstable parental attachment as a baby/young toddler.
RAD usualy presents like autism but its often comorbid with borderline PD in late teen/ adulthood, am diagnosed with lifelong severe RAD ontop of severe and lf autism but dont have any PDs.

worth getting it checked out,its possible it coud be RAD, or RAD with some form of autism, or neither; a pysch assessment will help the journey with healing past.

it's really hard to say without observing you directly, but my guess would be a combination of complex PTSD and ASD (the language delay is the biggest indicator of autism so far, but it's not definitive by itself and could be explained by other factors like persistent stress/abuse and neglect). but as you said, seeing a professional yourself and being evaluated is your best bet to find out for sure.

As others have said, your past makes it difficult to identify which characteristics could be a result of having an ASD, and which could be due to a traumatic history. The caregivers you had between age 1 and 5, do you have any recollection of how warm and responsive they were? Children often experience a language delay when they are not spoken to and interacted with enough.

The metldowns and need for routines are definitely autistic traits, however, they could also be indicative of an insecurity over the acceptability of expressing emotions, and a reflection of the need you had for structural stability that you didn't receive as a child.

Disinterest in others and an aversion to being touched are also symptomatic of RAD; you didn't receive enough physical contact when young, so you developed an aversion to it as you got older. When you find other people threatening due to bad experiences with them, coupled with poor to absent teaching of normal social interactions when you were young, it is only logical that the idea of interacting with other children was aversive.

It has also been shown that alexithymia, or your inability to recognise your own internal emotional state, was also linked to children with clinically identified insecure attachments, though no studies that I'm aware of have tested to see if the alexithymia remained in adulthood.

All of this is not to say that you don't have autism; you certainly could: given your symptom list, however, as a third year psychology major, I'm cognizant of the fact that there are links between the traits you describe and insecure attachment disorders, as well as ASDs. If you can afford it, or if your university will do it for you (mine did) I would strongly recommend you get tested, and be sure to mention your unique history to whomever performs the assessment on you. Good luck, we hope to hear how things progress for you, and welcome to WP

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

To my way of thinking, if you're Spectrum-lite or Spectrum-friendly, you still have a whole lot to contribute to our group, as well as learn from. It's a positive interaction on both sides.

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And . . . I'm not all that impressed with mental health professionals. For example, DSM way under-emphasizes sensory issues. And much like the movement for LGBT acceptance, inclusion, and appreciation, I think our well-being and rights will need a lot of self-advocacy, as slow as that will be at times.

Hi, as far as your upcoming exams, here are some things which sometimes work for me.

Even though I wake up relatively late around 9:00, I'm a morning lark in that I have most energy when I first wake up.

I have combined studying with exercise, practicing basketball, studying, practicing basketball, studying, etc.

I remind myself that doctors often skim journals, meaning I can experiment with skimming methods in addition to my dive deep methods.

I sometimes use my 0, 1, 2, or 3 method of writing. When stressed, I will keep a blank piece of paper to the side as I study something technical. And I will write single sentences or very short paragraphs. And I will keep myself to a maximum of three issues, thoughts, parameters, potential improvements. For example, maybe two issues and one potential improvement and that's it. In this way I make a conscious decision to underdo it. And it's okay to write 0. I can always have future writing sessions. This does sometimes help to take the edge off it.

And then I like to explore semi-public places to study. quiet enough but also enough other people around to feel safe.

Thank you for your inputs! Greatly appreciated.

As some of you have mentioned, yes, it may well be RAD.

I don't recall being hugged and coddled over very much, only when I visited my family abroad. It is quite possible that I have RAD. I've thought of that one as well.

I did a facial and voice recognition test online on a well-known Aspergers/Autism test site and scored above a NT on both tests. I did not find it difficult to understand facial or voice tones at all and knew exactly what was being expressed which casts the most doubt on me being autustic. Instead, I've thought about the idea that, actually, the reason I find it hard to read people in situations is because of paranoia, which I have had intensely due to years of emotional manipulation and confusion in early years. (gas lighting and so on).

Perhaps it is simply something like RAD. Either way, I think I'll see if I can go for a test because it would help clear things up for me. It is a very confusing one and what makes matters a lot more complex is that I've been extremely hypervigilant for a long time which means that I end up modifying my behaviour based on fear and fear of loosing control. I've done this for so long that it is almost impossible to know how I really function. I need to let go a lot more in order to know myself better.

Thanks again for your inputs!

Oh, and thank you for your warm welcomes!

You could very well be on the autism spectrum - certainly I think you're in the neighborhood anyhow but that's just my opinion.

What really caught my attention was your use of the verb "shall" in sentence two - as a kid I alwys used a conjugation of shall instead of will (I shan't do that today as I don't want to) because I had felt the verb will was far too strong and overpowering. I still use the verb shall a fair bit and avoid the verb will. Odd? Yes, I know - by the way "odd" is the diagnosis you get if you're not quite on the spectrum. More than one psychologist has told me: "you're not mentally ill, you're just odd...".

Anyhow, I recommend you follow up with a professional to help you to better understand yourself - a label may or may not apply. Good luck

That's very interesting about the use of 'shall'. Yes, I prefer myself to use that rather than 'will'. I think maybe it's to do with uncertainty as well as it being a strong verb. I can be quite superstitious as well. If I use strong verbs with regard to future ideas or plans, I end up thinking that I'll fail somehow. Strange but true.

My Mother used to tell me that I was odd. I didn't know what to make of it.

I'll see how I fare when I learn to let go more, which is happening much more. The problem with mechanizing my behaviour so much is that I have no idea how things are. For instance, I took the AS on Wired and there were many questions that were far too generalized for me to answer or I just didn't know how to answer them because I started thinking of so many particularities where the answer was not so much a 'yes' or 'no'.

Remains to be seen how 'different' I will feel once I can relax and learn some more self confidence. I think also the reason why I'm so interested in getting a diagnosis is that I've had a few friends with Autism and find it so easy and much more relaxed to communicate with them. Also, my ex partner was High Functioning Autistic and we were so incredibly similar. Questions about life, how we saw the world, how we behaved in our worlds was very similar. We actually never knew she was until after the break up and she had a assessment.

When I first started reading about the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum about ten years ago, if someone had asked me if I had sensory issues, I probably would have said no.

But . . . 

A moving screen saver in the peripheral of my vision bothers me more than most people.

If there's something like a smoke detector with a low battery which 'chirps' every couple of minutes, how can I dive into any concentrated work when this stupid thing might yank me out of it at any moment?!

And the same thing to a lesser extent for a fluorescent light which 'buzzes.'

Strong chemical smells can bother me.

And very importantly, to maintain concentration in the face of some or all of this takes a lot of effort, and then my energy can slump.

It's like I have an A game and a C game, and not too much of a B game.  And I seem to have a lot less of a filter than the average person.

I think a lot of the stuff you're dealing with right now is fallout from the way you were treated as a kid. Your home environment doesn't sound like it was very nurturing, and you seem to have learned some habits there that are still causing trouble for you now.

Whether you have autism, I'm not sure, but please do get a sensible counselor to help you unlearn those things, learn how to cope with the craziness of life a little better. Your question about having an ASD may be easier to answer once you've dealt with some of those issues; you'll be better able to tell the difference between neurological quirks and psychological problems.

But do continue hanging out with Aspies. If you see eye to eye with them, you probably have a lot in common with them, whatever the source of those traits may be. Friends are good, wherever you find them.

Aardvark, sensory issues are an interesting one. I have certain touch issues. I absolutely cannot stand the feel of paper or sand or baking flour rubbing against my skin such as my arms where I have small hairs. It is almost painful. I shudder when I think about it sometimes. Also, the whole not being able to concentrate on a conversation with other sounds around. I have a big problem with that. Sometimes if I really focus on the content of the conversation, I can do it but all too often I find it so frustrating because my mind ends up being distracted by other noise. The same goes for when I'm concentrating on things. My thoughts are the worse distraction. They are useless, worry thoughts and hyper-vigilant thoughts so when they start up, I simply cannot concentrate on anything but worrying about the fact that I'm thinking!

Callista, thank you. . Yes, sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud when I come onto an Aspie site. I requested to join a Facebook group for Adults with Aspergers and really enjoyed being there and talking with people but I took myself off of it because I felt guilty because I wasn't diagnosed and therefore made myself feel like too much of an outsider. But, yes, I do love talking to Aspie's and friends are indeed good.

My grandmother, who when she was living was a worrier just like I am, once gave me the advice to kind of set a time to worry and not worry during other times. This did not really help me much. What has helped me much more is studying zen philosophy and zen approaches in thoroughly half-assed fashion, which is really the only way to do it! For example, I sometimes struggle with OCD issues, and if I can wind to a place where it's both okay to do a certain health precaution and also okay not to, that's actually a pretty good place to be.