Some of your experiences on meltdowns. Advice, please :)

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Hi everyone,

I would like some of your experience on meltdowns. I say this because I was in a relationship with a girl who is Aspergers. We didn't know she was Aspergers until after we broke up. At the time I didn't understand why suddenly she would go silent on me and then other times she would be there and loving.

It was 8 months ago we broke up. We had a very strong and good connection. Recently, we've expressed to each other that we miss each other and the good times we had and that we may meet up soon. We've got no solid plans but to see where things go, given that we both now know she is Aspergers and that I have read up extensively on it and looked at what I did wrong.

I've noticed and learnt that she gets meltdowns easily and I've realized that the best way to help her is to inform her that I'm there for her whilst giving her all the space she needs.

The one thing I might struggle with is that sometimes when she is in meltdown mode, she wants me to be there for her but at the same time she needs space and can get resentful/hostile if I impose my help on her. I figure that space is exceedingly important to her and I respect that.

I'd like to know, so that I can learn, about meltdowns and what goes through ones mind and how you cope and what approaches really help you by good friends, partners etc.

This is not really a question, per se. I'm NT so I'd like some of your experiences. I'd like to learn more because I do love her and there's a spark between us that brings us back together and it's a lovely spark that I don't want to sabotage.

Thank you

These aren't my experiences, but I made this thread a while back: Link

Alternative thread: Link

Nadakan - meltdowns can take many forms. It has taken many years for me to understand that my meltdowns are an escape mechanism. Relationships impose unbearable demands, and I usually respond with some kind of rage attack, but when the red mist evaporates, I am filled with regret. But it is not reasonable for somebody like me to expect somebody else to 'be there' whenever I need them.

Your girlfriend is lucky to have found you. Life with an Aspie will always be a challenge, and it will take you to unexpected places. Enjoy!

Thanks, Norny. That's really useful.

MrGrumpy: Thankyou for your anwer. Yes, the biggest issue we faced was that I felt I was expected to be a mindreader when she felt low and also we were long distant, so I obviously could not catch onto her meltdowns. Her mindblindedness didn't allow her to fully see that and she would sometimes get angry that I could not catch onto the changes.

Were not together but we always feel pulled toward one another. I think she is amazing and I would give the world for her. So, it's taking a while for me to understand how she feels and also how I feel as well.

One thing she cannot take at all is any form of emotional intensity directed toward her. We've fallen out as friends a few times because I got frustrated at her which caused her to meltdown and get angry at me and cut off.

It's a learning curve. We don't know what will happen. But I will do the best I can to be there.

Thanks again

This is a good explanation of meltdowns vs. temper tantrums. One of the WP members had previously posted it on a thread a while back.

http://www.autismems.net/57801/82012.html

Not all of the info in that aritcle is accurate for me. Like I won't damage or throw things usually. I can control that. I also understand the consequences of doing that sort of thing. Sometimes I will have a meltdown where I bang my head on the wall or with my hands really hard. When I have those I lose sight of the consequences like the article says and it just becomes a desperate attempt to alleviate the pain of the overload. Those are usually anger or frustration based and usually happen when I feel like I am being attacked or bulldozed in a conversation and I can't get out. It feels like you are literally being physically beaten and you are in a corner and they don't stop beating you until you smash your head to move the pain of the beating out of it. I have even given myself a concussion that way before about 15 years ago when I banged my head on a glass block wall at my school job. Fortunately headbanging meltdowns happen much less often now than they used to. There was a time where they came almost every few days. Now I might only have a small handful of headbangers in a year.

I also respond to physical contact in a meltdown but only to very specific contact from a very specific person, not from everyone. Like I would calm down if that one specific person in my life held me but not if just anyone did. If someone else tried to hold me it would cause me more stress. I don't think I would lash out if someone else tried to hold me in a meltdown, I might, but I would definitely tense up more and even be more scared and riled up depending on who it was. But when the specific person has held me at times when I have had shut down types of melt downs I always respond really well to her and when I am in full cry and scream little girl/toddler meltdown mode I imagine sometimes imagine her holding me and it helps me calm down a lot.

I don't know if two Autistic people will ever melt down exactly the same but there are many commonalities. Melting down like a toddler and headbanging are two extremely common ones. But the parts that are always 100% true and the same for every Autistic person are the differences between the motivation and causes of meltdowns vs. tantrums. The meltdown is never an attempt to manipulate or to attract attention. It is always due to a system overload and the absolute inability to process it and it should NEVER be a cause for disciplinary action. Disciplinary actions for meltdowns can cause serious issues later on. It's like disciplining someone for a having coughing fit while she is choking on a piece of food. And it really is involuntary. I can hold one off from coming for a little while like if I am in public but eventually it will come once I am in a safe and private setting. Nobody enjoys being in a meltdown and it can be very frightening and embarrassing. And often times when you are done you are completely exhausted and drained and then you need to recover from that.

Sometimes for me it is very difficult to stop once it starts if it is a full on meltdown. But rocking and holding some of my toys and stimming and imaging the person holding me and talking to me gently really helps because when she holds me or when I imagine her holding me I feel completely safe like a very little child. And since my meltdowns are often from an overload stemming from fear or anxiety from not being able to process certain emotions, that safety factor really calms me down. I often imagine hearing her saying, "You're okay" or "I'm right here" or "I've got you" or "It's okay". These are all things she has said to me while hugging me when I have been scared or confused and in little girl mode and they make me feel like she is really right here and that helps me a lot. The difference between why I respond to her and not to other people is that I have a very deep and unique trust for her that I don't have on that level for other people. But if she is not around, I usually find a very private space where I can have meltdowns completely alone. The stress of someone else seeing it who does not completely understand what is happening can be too much.

Once I am in a meltdown, I like it to play itself through. I try not to stop or hinder it. I know that my brain needs to reset and that is why it is happening and I want to give it the opportunity to reset itself completely. I feel that this is important for me. And since I am not destructive I can just let it play out. A headbang meltdown is usually short and consists of about 3 to five solid bangs so I know that it won't last long for me. I might also have a quick really good blood curdling scream but I try to not have too many of those to not hurt my vocal chords. But I have had toddler like crying and screaming meltdowns that have lasted a couple of hours. Those can really be draining. Those just have to play out until they are done. I just usually lay on the couch and let it happen.

I know that we are all different but I hope this can help you understand more.

Hi Skibum,

Thank you so much for your experience. This really does help.

An update on the contact with my ex-girlfriend: she e-mailed me today saying that she can't be friends because of what happened in the relationship. I think she is yo-yoing between wanting to be close to me and wanting to break free because she distrusts me after my being emotional during the relationship, due to unforeseen circumstances.

When we were together, I had no idea and neither did she that she was Aspergers. I assumed that she was very selfish when going quiet on me and when she rebuked my attempts to help her and then didn't talk to me for a little while, I got angry and felt a myriad of emotion. Sometimes, of course, I would direct it onto her and she couldn't take it. She would meltdown by cutting off and being silent in order to replenish her energy and her mind.

Because of this, she has quite a deep distrust that I won't yo-yo again on her. I have explained that now I know she is Aspergers, I have read up on it and that I understand her sensitivities and that she wasn't out to hurt me, but that was her way of coping.

She has decided to stop being in contact because she is scared and I know that in this instance her feelings take precedence. I guess distrust can be a massive thing for not just people with Aspergers, but anyone who fears getting hurt. What you said about going into toddler mode and having a special someone to be there for you is exactly what she goes through. She has a counsellor whom she adores and feels 100% safe with. With me, she doesn't and with me she is anxious and too cautious to want to see me or know me right now.

I sent her back short e-mail as I know that she can easily get overwhelmed. I reassured her that I understood how she felt and that if she ever wanted to be friends again, of course we would. I won't lie to say that I'm crying at our separation and am sad. So is she. I love that girl and would do anything for her, but I also understand how distrust for some can have such an adverse and damaging and confusing affect that maybe they need to let go. Maybe it will be permanent or maybe not. I've resigned to understanding that she may never trust me again or maybe she will. Maybe, given enough time and proof that I won't throw my emotions at her she will learn to trust me and we may be friends, lovers, who knows.

I am sad and someone regretful that I did what I did, but I also know that because I didn't know of Aspergers, I was confused and it was triggering to me. Half the time I thought her silences were being done on purpose and that made me so angry, sad, completely anxious and worried. So we were becoming polarized, because her reaction toward me was to pull back even more. My reaction toward her was one of confusion and anxiety.

Last night she told me she was anxious over the prospect of meeting me. I told her I understood and I reassured her that I was okay with that and that should she want to be friends in the future, that it is fine.

Thank you again for your very informative post.

I am glad that my response could help you. I am so sorry that you and your girlfriend went through what you did. It made me cry to read your post because it reminded me so much of myself and some of the troubles that I have with relationships.
I really hope that in time you will be able to be friends again. You are a really good person and I know that you would be a good friend to her.

It did. I am crying too, but that's love. I would give the world for everything she is. She's one of the most beautiful and amazing people I've met. Hopefully in the future she can trust and we'll be friends.

I know for me that trust can be complicated. There are different types of trust with me so it's never simple. Because I have a dual personality, a more adult and mature and wise side and a little tiny child side which are almost polar opposites of each other in ways but somehow work beautifully side by side with each other, trust for me can come in layers. That might be the same for her. It takes a lot of time and an incredible amount of patience to get there sometimes. But once it's there it is hard to break. Don't ever give up on your friendship. It may take years to come around but if you really believe it will I know it can.

Thankyou. Yes, I can see that in her as well. I think she only truly trusts one person and that is her therapist. She feels incredibly safe with her therapist and keeps her in her heart in order to be able to keep going. I am worried how she will cope when therapy must stop because this is a University counsellor. It is also why I would like her to know that she will always have me if ever she needs to talk, need hugs, needs respite and needs safety. I know I did not example that kind of care before but I am confident I can do it now, given all I have learnt. I've spent most of the day reading extensively on Aspergers. I think I'm a walking encyclopedia now. It does help that I have an innate interest in psychology, too.

She, too, has this duality. She is in her last year of her PhD. She is an incredibly intelligent person and is a distinction level Academic. She also has two jobs. At the same time she has suicidal tendencies, depression and anxiety. She needs to be able to know that there she can confide in someone in order to deal with the emotional pressures of every day. When we were together and she felt overwhelmed and needed closeness, she curl up into me and suck her thumb and hold her teddy bear. I felt sad to see her suffer like that but also happy that she knew that at those times, she could do that with me and that I would accept those regressions that she needed to express.

I am confident that we will be friends. I told her that I knew trust was hard for her and that I hope that she will allow me to prove that I am there for her with my actions, rather than just words. I think it takes her years to trust as well. Not only this but she does have gender related confusions and a lot of confusion over what love means to her in relationships. So, of course, I understand how hard that is to manage. When she e-mailed me with a very long e-mail that was somewhat contradictory when it came to her explaining her emotions, I now know that it's hard for her to pinpoint how she feels and that her e-mails on this subject may be long in an attempt to explain these things. Instead of taking everything word for word and getting confused myself, I now can see that her contradictory feelings is to do with confusion and I can therefore tailor my responses so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed by me. x

That sounds kind of like me, but it's not the emotional intensity per se, rather it's the unexpectedness of it and the confusion of trying to figure out what it means that can make me shut down. I basically just want things to cool down and go back to something normal and predictable.

The best thing a person could do is to show me, even though they are getting emotional, that there is still some sort of routine in place and things will still go on the same way. If emotionality becomes routine or predictable, and I can understand what it means and what it is leading to, I can handle it better.

I also know it is unreasonable and unfair if I can't handle someone being very emotional towards me, yet I have a meltdown over it and become very emotional towards them. So that is where I might withdraw, because I don't want to impose my own emotional outburst on the other person. And I need to process that on my own to really understand what I'm feeling, which could take weeks or months, or even years before I really get it. Talking things out while I'm feeling emotional generally does not help, it just confuses things, and then I may end up resenting the person for getting whatever misconceptions they got from my poor attempts at explaining.

And in the meantime I just need things to go on like normal. I mean for instance if I need to be sitting down to eat a meal, or going to bed by a certain time, or getting mentally prepared to do my job the next day, I need to focus on THAT as a priority. And it actually takes a lot of mental energy just to stay focused on the most basic things. So I can't be having something going around and around in my head all the time about why someone got upset at me, or why I got upset, and what the hell it all means, because that is very disruptive to my life.

I think that is true for everyone, it is mentally taxing for any person to be worried about an emotional melodrama while they are trying to work or go to school or do whatever else they have to do. But it is a thousand times more stressful for a person with a neurological disorder, or for that matter, any kind of disability that makes daily life functions harder, because you are already putting a monumental effort into the basics of surviving. And like it or not, life has to go on whether the other person is going to be there with you or not. So if it is very stressful to be with someone, it is easy to think I might be better off alone, no matter how much I would miss them, because I have to survive.

I am the same way about this. I often need a lot of immediate reassurance after an emotional outburst as well. Emotional outbursts can be very confusing and difficult to sort through and sometimes I need lots of explaining, almost like you would explain it to a little kid. But it can also take me weeks or years to sort through it if it has not been completely dealt with. And do deal with it completely takes a huge amount of patience on both sides.

I've never had meltdowns exactly. I had normal toddler tantrums when I was a toddler, although not much because I was quite a happy toddler. But I still had those tantrums when I got older, if I didn't get what I wanted. I would cry and whine until I got what I wanted, and sometimes laid on the floor and kicked. I grew out of them when I got to about 11 or 12, then my emotional reactions turned into ''outbursts''.

With me, outbursts were triggered off by an overload of negative emotions like depression, anxiety, panic, anger and jealousy. An outburst would involve crying, hitting myself in the face or head, swearing, yelling out insults I don't really mean, slamming or kicking doors, threatening to commit suicide, and shouting. My outbursts are very verbal, and I sound more like somebody having a breakdown, and if people didn't know I had an ASD they would immediately assume I'm suffering from depression, loss and/or poor anger management.

But I don't have these rage outbursts any more because I am now on Sertraline, what keeps me in more control of my emotions and I can only feel those negative emotions mildly, which is wonderful.

Dianthus: Thank you for your experience. It was like you were writing what my ex partner was going through.

I feel annoyed with myself that it's sort of too late to make amends because I've come at her with my emotions without understanding Aspergers. It's taken a while to digest everything to the point where I can now see exactly what she is going through and what I have done to frustrate everything.

I can only hope that she can one day trust me. But I know and learnt that life takes precedence. Ah, well, the lessons life gives. I know she is very nervous about me so I'll keep to myself until she is ready. She doesn't trust that I won't get emotional on her but in my last e-mail I did explain that I am clarified now. Because of events repeating themselves, I understand her cautiousness and desires to keep a large distance. My last part of my email just said that I hope that in time I can prove by my actions, not just my words, that I'm not going to pile so much emotional stuff on her.

My lengthy replies do not help, either. She gets overwhelmed by that I think, even if it is not emotional like my last ones were. Probably because she now needs respite and relaxation.

Many thanks again. x

I sometimes get overwhelmed by what my husband thinks too. It's usually that I just can't handle the amounts of actual words. And he has a naturally louder voice as well so that can really overwhelm me.

Nadakan, your friend is lucky to have you. Even if you two are distant now, she will still feel the love and loyalty you have towards her and that is priceless. Time is a good friend too. It can heal.

Last edited by skibum on 16 Jun 2014, 6:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've been going through meltdowns a lot lately, myself. There is this major life change occurring right now, and even though it's a good life change, all the little bits and pieces leading up to it are sending me into overdrive. I noticed that sometimes female and male aspies can be different, so maybe it helps to know what helps me since I am female as your GF is.

Usually I feel, during a meltdown, like I am electric. It feels like a buzzing. And my immediate thought is that I have to leave, and be alone, as soon as possible. In most circumstances, as an adult, this is just not possible. So it escalates until I'm starting to swear, get short with people, and start shutting down. I want nothing to do with anyone or anything. I feel like I'm about to start shaking, I can ball my hands into fists. I try to close my eyes and cover my ears but it's already too late now. At this point one further stimulation in the environment can send me into screaming and crying.

During meltdowns I tend to sob helplessly like a child. I even do that hyperventilation thing. It feels like my throat is closing in on itself. I don't know what the name of the emotion is. It's like the color white. Everything at once, trapped inside, bursting and too bright. I have an urge to hurt myself. I don't want to hurt others. I want to feel it in myself. Punching a pillow does nothing. I'm not exactly angry. I'm just 'done'.

After I eventually wear myself out I fall into a state of temporary depression. It's a pretty severe sensation of depression, but it only lasts for an hour to a few hours. At worst it can last two or three days, in my case. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but I wouldn't suggest leaving me alone with a loaded gun, either.

The way that has helped me get out of this is by a 'safe person' - someone who understands and accepts me, to distract me with something I am currently interested in or, better yet, obsessed with. Today I was rescued by my boyfriend getting me talking about the new video games I just purchased. This seems trivial, but this distraction really helps almost every time for me. I think it's not just the distraction alone. It's being with someone who is still saying, "I love you, I still care about you even though you were just sobbing like a child for two hours, and let's talk about something you really like that reminds you of possible fun scenarios in the future."

So if this helps you in any way, I'd be glad.