Grief

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Two days ago, my grandfather died.
I am closer to him than anyone else with the exception of my mother. I'm not sure if I loved him, but I didn't want him gone.
I don't seem to miss him yet. My family has been taking me all sorts of places and that is stressful.
Is it ok that I am more concerned about the stress this is causing me than his death at the moment?
I do feel something that I can't explain. I feel disturbed, but in a weird way. I don't understand what I'm feeling. Am I grieving? Can I even grieve?
I keep having recurring thoughts about how he would criticize me for not being proper and doing proper funeral-type things, but he isn't around anymore. But then I intellectualize that away and I can hardly imagine what's going to happen to me now.
When I was told, all I did was rollover and go back to sleep. Am I a bad person for not caring?

There's no right or wrong with grief - it's a very personal thing. I know when my dad died it didn't hit me until a certain amount of time had passed. At the moment your stress is probably more real to you than your grandfather's passing.
You are certainly capable of grieving - in your own way.

Problem is, be careful expressing your grief to a GP or a psychiatrist, as you may end up being diagnosed with a major depression disorder. The DSM 5 has done away with the 2 week grief exemption when diagnosing major depression. That will get you an antidepressant you may not need.

From anything I've gathered, each person can experience grief in a different way, and go through a different timeline with the grieving process. I would imagine this applies to everyone human, not just NT or on the autism spectrum or anything else. Even NTs show widely varying reactions to the loss of a loved one.

Some people immediately feel numb and non-reactive -- that's the one that almost seems like "not caring." Some people immediately feel deeply sad and emotional, find that they cry, etc. Inbetween these two very opposite reactions is a whole spectrum of variations.

People also move in and out of the different variations, stages, and expressions of grief. Some people may find themselves emotional for a while and then getting numb and quieter. Then something triggers a more emotional wave of grief again.

There are no set rules or behavioral patterns with grieving a death; it hits different people different ways, and even the same person in different ways as time goes by.

Try not to worry too much about how or why your grief is the way it is; just take it easy on yourself and let whatever you're feeling be what it is. You may well find it changing and becoming different things at different times.

You've probably heard of the "Five stages of grief" -- link here.

Again, even these aren't rigid "rules" but just different stages that have been figured out as something many people go through when faced with loss.

Also, depression and sadness is "normal" as a response to the death of something or someone we loved and that was important in our lives. Don't let any mental health professional try to medicate you or treat you as if you have developed a depression disorder just because you may start to feel the natural depression the mourning sends many people into. Even my therapist told me some phases of "depression" are in fact a totally normal response to and event in life that IS depressing and sad to us as human beings with feelings.

But even if you don't feel depressed remember that that's okay too. Mourning is very subjective and you must let yourself process the loss in the way that's already coming naturally to you.

Lost both my parents during my twenties, really went through the ringer with the grief stuff, so some of this info is stuff I picked up in that whole process. Hope any of it can help.

You'll grieve in your own way and in your own time.

You shouldn't be hard on yourself.

The funeral was today. I didn't go. My biological parents wouldn't let me go.
We spent the last few days getting ready, including buying a suit to wear to the funeral.
This morning we got a call saying I wasn't allowed to go.

I appreciate all your encouragements and advice, but don't know.

so, not only are you an orphan, your also a minor and a refugee
and the system disowns you!



-That was the only emoticon on WP that expressed how I feel

also this-