Feeling Different

Post Reply New Topic

I'm interested in hearing your experiences of when you first realised you were different and what it was that made you aware of it.

Ever since I can remember, I've always known I was different. When I was a kid, I used to think I came from space (I still feel like this).

For me, there was no 'incident' that suddenly made me realise I was different (although there have been plenty in my life). I've just always known. I enjoy being different. My sister has always thought I'm an alien.

I felt like I was different all my life & never knew why till I graduated high-school & my mom told me how she thought I had Aspergers & I looked it up.

The first time I knew I was different was when I was age 3, in preschool, and I didn't want to make my picture like everyone else. I remember we were "sponge painting" - I believe it was of a tree with colored leaves (or maybe they weren't colored, but I wanted them to be - or maybe I mixed the green with the colors because the tree was not completely changed over - something like that.)

That oddness became increasingly confirmed when I got upset when a boy took my jellybeans during the Easter egg hunt, when I was teased mercilessly (more than any others) in the neighborhood, and when I was the only one in my kindergarten class that made a green reindeer and still sucked my thumb. That was all before the age of 5, at which point I went to public school and it only became more obvious that I was different.

As far back as I can remember, even before I ever started school. I remember at around 9 or 10 years of age I used to sit and watch out the window waiting for the spaceship to come and take me home where, I believed, everyone would be like me.

I'm a little unusual because I first realized I was different when I was about 21 when I started work because it's the first time I actually had to interact with people. I never realized I was different before because I never knew what people were before that. I lived my life and didn't bother with anyone else even neglecting to talk to my parents for years at a time even when we lived together.

I think I've always felt different although I never asked myself why until I reached my early 20's. When I was around 8 I used to wonder if maybe people on earth were actually robots and I was the only person alive and I was in some kind of experiment.

I have always felt different but when I was really little it was not defined... it was more like, I realized that the stuff I said out loud didn't always come off the right way and people seemed to misunderstand me a lot. So I became more introverted to avoid that feeling.

I remember very clearly an incident in junior high that definitely had me wondering "what is wrong with me?" Not in a self-judgmental way, but more like "hmmm I am green while everyone else is clearly blue... why is that??" I was sitting on the school bus and a group of girls were all sharing and passing around a teen magazine with rock stars in it and they were all "oohing" and "aaaahing" over one of the stars and then they noticed that I was not interested and they asked me if I liked the guy, and I was like, "who?" and they were shocked that I'd never even heard of the guy. They showed me the picture, expecting some response, and I remember feeling no response whatsoever, and could not understand their behavior at ALL. I remember knowing that I was "supposed" to be interested and CARE and I just so totally did NOT that I knew it meant something. It was definitely an "I must be a different species" moment.

From then on pretty much every interaction I had with people outside my family or my few friends was like a confirmation of the "different species" theory. For a long time I beat myself up about it, and felt like I was somehow "broken" and unfixable. A lot of my comorbids made this worse, especially in college when I was under a lot of stress and having to be a lot more social than I was comfortable with. Now that I'm grown up and can control a lot more of my daily life I'm more comfortable with being different. I recognize that I'm a "different species" and I'm okay with that. I also know my limits and what to avoid, which helps a lot.

I got stuff like this everyday in 3rd/4th/5th grade. I was quizzed at snack time and lunch time about whether or not I had ever heard of such-and-such famous singer and band. Most of the time I had heard of the singer/band, but that wasn't good enough. I had to be able to name their songs, and that's when I failed.

I tell people I grew up "parallel" to popular culture, and they don't get it. Even now, I only know what's going on "out there" because my family keeps me informed - that's part of their familial duty.

It took me a while to realize I am different. I always knew OTHER PEOPLE are different but I was always "the normal one" in my opinion. I was asking "Why they do it?", "Are they ret*d?", "Why do they have to make so much noise?", "Why can't they just leave me alone?". Everyone was weird and I was totally OK. Everyone does something wrong, I was always being rational.

I realized I am the one different when I was like 12 years old. It hit me a lot, I was trying to commit suicide because "there is no place in the world for people like me". But eventually I started to think it doesn't really matter. I knew I am different but I still liked myself so I stopped to care what others think about me.

i felt different, a lot slower and unnatural compared to other kids,

I think, it must have hit home about age 4-5, when I wasn´t invited to the neighbour kids birthday.
I wasn´t good at being with others, - too inflexible, often snearing at comrades, who just wanted to be social, misunderstanding and in defence mode. Not easy, I think.
The others were allways better somehow.
My parents called me their little loner. I resented that, because it made me stand out even more.

Last edited by Jensen on 14 Oct 2014, 6:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

THIS! I hate this!! ! I've got a similar thing with football (rugby league). Here in Australia, footy is a common subject that males (and now females) use to start small talk -> conversation. I HATE FOOTBALL!! ! (and small talk and conversing with people). I always have.
When I was younger, people would ask me which team I barracked for. I used to get very embarrased. I used to say St. George (because that's my Mum's team) but I wasn't happy doing that for 2 reasons:

1) It was false, fake and made me feel bad
2) The conversation never stopped with, "What team do you go for?" As the conversation progressed, it became blatantly obvious that I knew NOTHING about footy and I would just come off looking all weird (as you do)!

Now I'm older, I feel comfortable with just saying "I'm not interested in football!". Being your true Aspie self can feel very liberating.

Same with fashion. I never could give a lick about it. Never interested me. I dress for comfort. No scratchy labels. No scratchy woolen clothing etc. I couldn't give a damn about what people think about how I dress.

Music, however, I have always loved but my taste in music is extremely unusual. More like alien/space music.

Last edited by ImAnAspie on 13 Oct 2014, 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't remember exactly when did I start feeling different and all but it gotten so much worse now that I'm growing older every year I feel more aliented and isolated than the year before it, as a child I didn't pay much attention to my surrounding I was very self centered. I mostly feel different and isolated when I see people being normal having normal lives and intrests and having conversations with eachother and interacting with eachother

At about 7 or 8. I would devour books and magazines - nothing especially different in that. Then my teacher said I should read more. More? What on earth was that about? More! No, seriously, I was actually reading them, not eating them. Was I no good at reading? No. Was my teacher really that bad? Probably. Was I different? Certainly different from my teacher.

As long as I can remember. I knew my priorities, the way I thougth was somehow very different

I always felt different. Can't remember when I didn't feel different. Having said that, the sense of being different went through distinct phases (some running concurrently) that can be described as:
1) being different but not knowing it: in my case that would be pre-school.
2) being different and not understanding why: from about the time I started school till diagnosis acceptance in late 40s
3) being different and being in denial about it: my teens, including the original diagnosis which I denied (for many years) ever happening
4) being different, forced to accept it but hating myself: late teens till early 40s
5) being different, totally accepting the fact but not knowing why I'm different:partial acceptance occurred for short periods of time in my adult life but relapsing into (4) on each occasion. Total acceptance came about in my mid 40s and was followed rapidly by diagnosis leading to (6)
6) being different, knowing why and celebrating it: mid 40s till the present (I'm 46 years old)

For me, knowing that I'm different and accepting that I'm different are inter-related. As I grew to accept my difference, the knowing that I'm different deepened. As long as I refused to accept that I was different the slower the process of knowing the extent and nature of my difference.

In essence, there are different levels of 'knowing' you are different.